Crush vs Squish

[Mattsun]

What exactly is the difference between a crush and a squish? I'm asking that because a good friend of mine recently admitted that he had a crush on me; that was shortly after I broke up with a girl because I figured I wasn't actually in love with her and might be possibly aromantic. I told my friend that immediately because I didn't want it to end up the same way it did with the girl (as mentioned in some other threads, I felt absolutely horrible after having broke up with her. On a more positive note though, we're actually friends with each other again!), but ever since he "confessed", I can't help but think about being in a relationship with him. And I'm not repulsed by it or something like that, but it's not like I "crave" it either, I'd be totally fine with staying friends with him (and I actually like this option better, because again, I don't want to break up with him after a month after having realized I don't love him the same way he loves me). I do like spending time with him, he's one of my favorite persons to talk to, but I still feel like my feelings towards him are more platonic than romantic. On the other hand I remember this situation where he was "flirting" with another person and I got, like, really jealous xD but then again, I get easily jealous in general and I got often jealous on other people hanging out with friends of mine in school. 
Long story short, while I do feel that I have more of a squish than a crush on said friend, I'd like to hear a few opinions on what exactly the difference between those two is. I really can't figure it out, maybe it's because I'm actually aromantic and just can't feel what a crush is like, which is actually pretty frustrating for me, especially in situations like this one where close friends tell me they're in love with me and ask me about my feelings, and I just can't give them a proper answer (this was exactly what happened with my ex as well). I'm just... confused.

[Gldlynch]

Hey Mattsun

 

I guess the main difference is... do you want this person to be your boyfriend? Or is it still all goods if you were to be just friends and nothing more?

 

[Orianaro]

It certainly sounds like a squish, and if that feels more right, then it probably is. The issue is, I totally understand how it feels really easy to confuse with a crush, as if being okay with or maybe even excited by the idea of a relationship with that person isn't allowed with a squish. I think people underestimate squishes and platonic attraction though. Also, the jealousy thing I get: I'm in a QPR with a romantic person (they don't like me romantically, its platonic both ways) and I always feel weird when they flirt/are flirted with, and I call it platonic jealousy. I get jealous when people take up too much of their attention, basically... of course, my QPP finds this more amusing than anything else. I try not to feel unreasonably weird about it, because its not actually threatening anything, but sometimes I just want to hang out with them. We've started kind of letting people assume we're in a romantic relationship at this point, mostly because it's simpler. Then we can chat and walk around on our own and people will kind of give us space. So I understand the thinking about a relationship, because it feels nice to have platonic squishes validated by some sort of label. If a QPR kind of label feels nicer, then its very likely a squish.

 

The difference between squishes and crushes is infuriating. It took me forever to try and sort it out. In the end, a couple of things helped me sort it out: before we were in a QPR, I talked to my not-yet-QPP about their crushes and I realized how different the feeling was, and a couple of internet sources  The most useful of them were these: its most likely a crush if you want to kiss them (but not necessarily: I'm indifferent, some people are repulsed, some people like it), if you get jealous of them in a romantic situation that can't be explained by things like losing time with that person (like me), and wanting to be a in an expressly romantic relationship. Its probably more of a squish if you can't tell the difference (seriously, one of the most notable indicators of an aromantic is simply not being able to see the difference), and a QPR sounds more appealing. Also if romantic expectations make you uneasy: you might have a a weird conflict of liking the idea of a romantic relationship, but then feeling guilty because you feel like you don't really fit there doing those kinds of romantic things. 

 

A relationship could still work, as long as you communicate what you want and that you don't (if it is a squish, I don't know) like them romantically but that doesn't mean that you can't love them. That's the other thing: never underestimate platonic love. It takes longer, it requires a lot more work, trust, communication and understanding, but I would consider it one of the most amazing and stable things I've ever experienced. It's a very passive form of love. There is no such thing as platonic love at first sight. Or second sight. More like hundredth conversation, if even that. So if you're considering that you might be somewhere arospec, you might feel like it doesn't fit because a lot of people's first impressions of aro is kind of cold or loveless. That's not true, we can love just as strongly as anyone else. It might not be fast and passionate, but I prefer it that way  

 

Anyways, good luck sorting this out! It's infuriating, but worth knowing in my opinion 

[SHOOOKOH]

Hi there!

 

Reading this got me thinking about my own personal experiences with love--or well what I thought was love. I thought I was having crushes on people at least once a school year back when I was still in middle school and high school. It turned out after years of doing it I was just aesthetically obsessed with one person a year to get my mind off of my boring and sad life at the time. It took me quite a while to figure this out and even now I'm like "hmmmm" but regardless I came to a sort of conclusion. I feel you will do the same in the sense of this being a very subjective matter and please know it's okay to be confused! 

 

To me it'd be best to figure out what romance means to you and what it doesn't mean to you--to the best of your ability, of course. To me in QPRs it's okay to kiss at times but for some others it's not okay--even a little bit. The whole theme of this is to find out what's comfortable for you and of course your friend. You come first though since either platonic or something more this is your relationship with them. Luckily grey areas exist and sometimes no matter how hard you think about something you're just in the grey area. Not to say that's where you are per-say but you hopefully get what I mean. 

 

3 hours ago, Orianaro said:

 

A relationship could still work, as long as you communicate what you want and that you don't (if it is a squish, I don't know) like them romantically but that doesn't mean that you can't love them. That's the other thing: never underestimate platonic love. It takes longer, it requires a lot more work, trust, communication and understanding, but I would consider it one of the most amazing and stable things I've ever experienced. It's a very passive form of love. There is no such thing as platonic love at first sight. Or second sight. More like hundredth conversation, if even that. So if you're considering that you might be somewhere arospec, you might feel like it doesn't fit because a lot of people's first impressions of aro is kind of cold or loveless. That's not true, we can love just as strongly as anyone else. It might not be fast and passionate, but I prefer it that way  

 

I agree with this quote above. Whether this turns romantic or not it's all about doing what's comfortable. Platonic love is a force to be reckoned with because at the end of the day you still care about someone--not that I think you don't know that. Take it slow just like you would in a romantic relationship. With these kind of things the divide of romantic/platonic shows itself with time. Don't be afraid to make mistakes either--I know easier said than done but mistakes help us humans learn whether we like it or not. I'm not saying go out there and fuck everything up, but I'm more saying if a mistake is made, a mistake has been made. It happens. 

 

Since you feel like you have more of a squish on this person I'm gonna assume you have a squish on them. This is all about how you feel, after all. If you never figure it out fully that's okay too! When it comes to subjectivity there's no wrong answer unless there's no consent then that's different. Obvious thing is obvious. 

 

To conclude I recommend just letting it flow and just stay friends for now. Play it safe but think about your next shot, so to speak.

 

Good luck and I hope it all works out for you! 

[Mattsun]

Thank you guys so much! It helped me a lot to hear about your experiences! <3

It's just so frustrating for me to apparently not have felt romantic attraction towards anyone before, and probably never will. It makes me a bit scared of having to die alone or something like that, although I always kind of wished for having a family and children and so on, which already became a bit harder as soon as I found out I'm ace, but if I'm actually aro too it seems almost impossible... I think that's probably why I'm hoping to eventually crush on someone, or why I feel the need to get into a relationship with people who have a crush on me although I'm not even sure if I love them, and the one time I did actually agree it turned out really bad. I really need to stop forcing myself into those things and accept that I'll probably never find someone I'm romantically attracted too. Well, maybe I just haven't found the right one yet... that's what everyone likes to tell me and actually I also hope this proves to be true someday  Thinking about it though it could be that I did have a small crush once in my life - the problem was that it was on an allosexual friend who I knew wouldn't be fine with a relationship without sex, so I didn't think about doing romantic stuff with him a lot because I knew it wouldn't work out anyway... even though I liked the idea. But that was a few years ago and maybe it could also have been a strong squish. I really don't know. I often read things like "if you experience romantic/sexual attraction you just know it" and I already had a hard time figuring out what sexual attraction was because I had literally never felt it before in my life, and it's even harder with romantic attraction which for me seems to be kind of similar to platonically liking someone very much, just with the... usual romantic stuff? I really don't know. Welp. It was a long journey for me to find out my sexual orientation (...it went from hetero to lesbian to bi to ace lmao) but at least I'm very confident in it by now, guess I'll have to take the same amount of time to figure out my romantic orientation :')