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Looking For Ace Advice on This!


LittleLump

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Hello everyone! I have posted on here before, but it's been a while!

 

So I kinda just wanted to talk this out with other aces and get some thoughts...

 

I moved out of an emotionally abusive situation and into a place with a roommate a couple years back, one of my favorite friends from high school. My roommate is an aromantic sex-repulsed ace, who doesn't want a relationship. But she also had a very very close friendship with a mutual buddy of ours, another girl. They would hold hands and snuggle sometimes. They joked and talked about being lesbians and soul-mates.  

 

They would cuddle and then they would invite me to join in on their cuddles and it was really very nice to just lay there and scratch each others arms. And then we all moved in together and my roommate and her buddy fell out badly. I was kind of stuck in the middle. My roommate stood by me and supported me, and her buddy sort of just ignored me when they had fights.

 

It was a rough year. But one day I was just looking at my roommate and I was overcome with this intense feeling of attraction. Just like "I would die for this human, she's just so awesome." And for the first time I even thought of her as physically attractive.

 

For myself, I never really thought I was ace until this moment. I just was never in a position to think about my wants and needs. Working, finishing college, and getting out of my abusive home were all I had in mind. I didn't have time for relationships. I have had crushes, but everyone I've ever confessed to in school had rejected me (I don't find myself physically attractive, which probably shows outwardly; though I'm working on it with therapy!) And when I thought about those people I never thought about them sexually. I kind of thought kissing was gross too if it wasn't fictional.

 

Anyway, So after my roommate and I got out of that situation last year, my roommate started putting up boundaries. She didn't want to be touched, she didn't want to snuggle, she didn't want another relationship like the one with her buddy. She likened it to breaking up, a divorce. She said she "filled the boyfriend void" for her buddy, and she didn't want that to happen again.

 

By the time we moved into our new place, I had come to the conclusion that I was panromantic demisexual and attracted to her.  I'd talked to her about being demi, and then I told her that I could date her. She told me very firmly that she could never be with a girl, that it was fine but everything had to be strictly platonic. She just wasn't wired that way.

 

After that she would avoid touching me, act like I was torturing her when I would hug her before bed. I used to hug my parents every night before bed and it was something we'd done from the day I moved in with her. She used to be playful about it, but not anymore. Also, every time someone suggested that we were more than just roommates she would hasten to add on "but yeah like then I'd tell her to get out of my room." so they wouldn't think we were anything more. She even tried for a little while to stop hugging me all together. I didn't really want that, so I got a little petulant because I have very few close people in my life and I rarely get hugs in general. I was a little jealous of her relationship with her family; her mom adores her and she gets smothered with love when she goes to visit. I'm lucky if one of my parents will stand up from their chair when I visit.

 

It really hurt, because she had so much fun pretending with her buddy, and she was totally fine before she learned these things about me. And I didn't really know how to talk about it, because I just don't have any urge to put myself before anyone else. And what am I complaining about, really? If she doesn't want to give me something then I would find it elsewhere, I suppose. Unfortunately I just didn't have a lot of elswhere's.

 

Things changed a bit recently. I started putting together a synopsis for an autobio story about learning to love yourself (kind of as a therapy tool). I asked her to look it over. At the end I wanted to write about how her kindness changed my life, and I wrote that I loved her. She started to hug me like she used to after that.

 

Anyway. I'm told I act old for my age due to the things I've had to deal with, and she does seem younger to me sometimes even though we're the same age. She told me that I should think of her as a sister, because she can reciprocate that feeling. I'm content living with her like we do now (we cook dinner together and buy groceries together and take care of mutual pets), but I feel like if she ever gets a boyfriend I would be pretty devastated. She's my best friend and I don't want to experience being made the secondary person again.

 

If she ever decides to move on I feel I would need to move on as well. Maybe even leave the state and start a new life somewhere. As it stands now, she says the only reason she would ever want to leave is if she got married. She told me that she planned to marry her buddy if they weren't able to find husbands by a certain age. I want to tell her that I would marry her too if we don't find anyone by a certain age... but I don't think she would be amenable and I don't really want to be rejected (again...).

 

I've thought about dating but I've never done it nor really been interested in it, especially since everyone wants to have sex. I thought sex was something I had to do and just put up with if I wanted a significant other. At least until my roommate came out to me as ace, and I realized wait... do I have a choice?? Maybe I do!

 

I'm fine being alone, but it would be very nice to have someone around to cuddle. I'm not really at the point where I want that so much I need to find someone. For me, being able to talk to someone honestly and openly is much more fulfilling. And also being able to talk with a creative mind, someone who thinks outside the box. I don't have a desire to sleep with other people at all; so I was surprised when I realized my roommate was the only person I ever thought about that with. I generally don't like to be touched and it takes a long time for me to be interested in someone.

 

So I guess I'm just looking for advice and thoughts, and maybe a sympathetic ear, haha. I know it's a lot to ask for, but I really appreciate anyone who takes the time to read this.

 

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EngineeRaven

Hi, welcome to AVEN! Here, have some cake! ^^ :cake:

 

As for your situation, I kinda understand it.  I have a friend like that, a cuddle buddy that is very close to me. She is seven years older than me, but I always thought of her as a twin sister. Some time ago I came out to her as an ace, because she has some relationship experience, I thought maybe she could give me some insight about how things work, so I could be a little more sure. Turns out she identifies somewhere on the edge of the spectrum too. Well, that wasn't much of a surprise, given all the things we share. When in public, people often mistake us for lesbians, but honestly, I like the weird looks we get. I like to put them outside their ill-placed comfort zones. It's not like we've ever considered ourselves more than friends/sisters. She has a boyfriend, and I couldn't think of her as a love interest. So our situation is not entirely the same, but I understand your "she's important to me and I don't wanna lose her" feelings.

Dating as an ace is hard, but possible. If you feel you need a partner, you could definitely give it a try. If you're lucky, you can even find another ace, and that solves a few problems, but there are sexual people who respect your boundaries. My former boyfriend was totally okay with my weird  dislike of touching and everything. So don't be afraid, there is a chance you'll find someone. :) Rejection is always hard to take, but that's something that comes with the package. Sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn't, but as long as there is a chance of acceptance, it is always worth a try. So head up high! ^^

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52 minutes ago, MaeveTheRaven said:

Hi, welcome to AVEN! Here, have some cake! ^^ :cake:

 

As for your situation, I kinda understand it.  I have a friend like that, a cuddle buddy that is very close to me. She is seven years older than me, but I always thought of her as a twin sister. Some time ago I came out to her as an ace, because she has some relationship experience, I thought maybe she could give me some insight about how things work, so I could be a little more sure. Turns out she identifies somewhere on the edge of the spectrum too. Well, that wasn't much of a surprise, given all the things we share. When in public, people often mistake us for lesbians, but honestly, I like the weird looks we get. I like to put them outside their ill-placed comfort zones. It's not like we've ever considered ourselves more than friends/sisters. She has a boyfriend, and I couldn't think of her as a love interest. So our situation is not entirely the same, but I understand your "she's important to me and I don't wanna lose her" feelings.

Dating as an ace is hard, but possible. If you feel you need a partner, you could definitely give it a try. If you're lucky, you can even find another ace, and that solves a few problems, but there are sexual people who respect your boundaries. My former boyfriend was totally okay with my weird  dislike of touching and everything. So don't be afraid, there is a chance you'll find someone. :) Rejection is always hard to take, but that's something that comes with the package. Sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn't, but as long as there is a chance of acceptance, it is always worth a try. So head up high! ^^

Having a friend like that is so awesome! Before my roommate I hadn't had close friends that were cool with me snuggling. I was like... "you're okay with touching me...?" Because more often than not, my friends would put me in the front seat in cars because "they would have more room" since I am a larger person and tend to touch everyone who sits next to me :'D

 

I was so surprised when I was hit with this attraction to her. It sort of hit like a train. And at the worst time too! I also have friends who I don't think of at all as love interests. I was wondering if maybe it was because of the hard situation we went through together, but it's been a while now and I still feel attracted to her sometimes.

 

I am really sad sometimes about her falling out with her buddy. She said that was a "once in a lifetime relationship" for her. I sometimes feel like I'm a lesser replacement for her old friend. I wouldn't mind holding hands and sitting really close, but she doesn't want to do that anymore. I kind of wish she did, because I've never had that sort of closeness with someone besides her. It makes me feel a little like I'm just not as good. Kind of always as a second choice. She admitted to me that she sees things and thinks of texting her old buddy first, and then I come up as a secondary. That hurts too...

 

Even thinking about dating makes me want to bang my head on the wall... I don't think I'm really ready for that haha. I still have a lot of work to do on me before I feel comfortable even considering it for the long term, I think!

 

Thank you so much for sharing your story and kind words and your encouragement! I so appreciate it. I hope you have tons of wonderful times with your bestie and always have a beautiful life <3

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EngineeRaven

Yes, I know that. When we first met, both of us stated they hated touching. Six years, and here we are. :D As for myself, I like to have the front seat, better views and all.  I have two sisters, so summer car rides on the back seat, tightly pressed together, sweating and all... I know it too well.

 

Oh yes, that's totally possible. When you have someone to trust and lean on in an otherwise extremely hard situation, bonds like this tend to form. Sometimes it stops at the "best friends in need" and sometimes it doesn't. That's how it works, I guess. It doesn't make feelings less valid.

 

Yes, I know that one. Cuddle Buddy and I had a third friend, with whom she was very close at that time, but they had some not-so-minor arguments, and they've not talked ever since. For a few years I also felt like a replacement since she actually tried to do all the stuff they used to be doing together, with me. Of course it didn't quite work out, since I'm not Friend Three. But with time it changed. I guess we realized we hadn't really known each other for years, and we found new common points.  Every friendship is unique, and none should be used as a substitute for another. You just have to find your own points. :)
 

Yeah, I totally know that. To think about having another person to look after, ugh... Slight panic and nausea. No need to rush it, though, I don't think anyone needs another person to be valuable. You have your own life, and if a time comes when you feel you could use another person, well, that's okay too.

 

Aww, it's okay, I think that's what this forum is for. <3 I really loved to hear your story, and I'm glad if I was able to help. ^^

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You should maybe consider something like a QPR... honestly, if your roommate knows that you like her romantically (that's what I thought from your post), she's likely worried that you'll expect or want reciprocation. If you're okay with never being romantically loved by her, then you should sit down and tell that to her, that you're okay being in a weird kind of relationship and she doesn't need to reciprocate and you can negotiate romantic things. (Do know that she might get uncomfortable even if you're doing a normal thing but you're acting... romantic about it? I dunno, I absolutely get that. Talking to a person in the most normal, friend-like setting but just knowing that they like me romantically makes me really antsy and frankly anxious.) 

 

Try talking to her about everything, but make sure that you're prepared for everything. For a lack of change in your relationship, to be able to listen to any of her needs, to be ready to respect whatever boundaries. And whatever you say, make sure that she knows that there's no rush and that she has a valid say in your conversation and anything can be negotiated. Love is a very interesting thing. It really might work even if she loves you platonically and you love her romantically. Never underestimate platonic love... I'm in a QPR and it has been... the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. If it's something that would make you happy to have an answer, then prepare for every outcome and remember that communication and honesty are key. Also if it seems relevant, make sure she knows its not a replacement of her old buddy or anything else and that you love your relationship and that it is unique. 

 

Good luck with whatever you do :) I sympathize a lot with your roommate since I am also aro/ace, so be ready to give her some space. The idea of someone liking you romantically and being in some form of relationship can be stressful and make you self-conscious that they might accidentally expect that of you and get annoyed/unfulfilled by the lack of reciprocation, even if they say they're okay with that. So... make sure you understand that if you do want to talk to her :) 

 

I hope that was helpful... aros (or at least me) get kind of scared of romantic feelings because most everyone else we've ever come into contact with can't wrap their head around it. They'll say they get it, without really treating us that way. But yeah... good luck with everything!

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 3/23/2018 at 3:38 PM, MaeveTheRaven said:

Yes, I know that. When we first met, both of us stated they hated touching. Six years, and here we are. :D As for myself, I like to have the front seat, better views and all.  I have two sisters, so summer car rides on the back seat, tightly pressed together, sweating and all... I know it too well.

 

Oh yes, that's totally possible. When you have someone to trust and lean on in an otherwise extremely hard situation, bonds like this tend to form. Sometimes it stops at the "best friends in need" and sometimes it doesn't. That's how it works, I guess. It doesn't make feelings less valid.

 

Yes, I know that one. Cuddle Buddy and I had a third friend, with whom she was very close at that time, but they had some not-so-minor arguments, and they've not talked ever since. For a few years I also felt like a replacement since she actually tried to do all the stuff they used to be doing together, with me. Of course it didn't quite work out, since I'm not Friend Three. But with time it changed. I guess we realized we hadn't really known each other for years, and we found new common points.  Every friendship is unique, and none should be used as a substitute for another. You just have to find your own points. :)
 

Yeah, I totally know that. To think about having another person to look after, ugh... Slight panic and nausea. No need to rush it, though, I don't think anyone needs another person to be valuable. You have your own life, and if a time comes when you feel you could use another person, well, that's okay too.

 

Aww, it's okay, I think that's what this forum is for. <3 I really loved to hear your story, and I'm glad if I was able to help. ^^

Ah, so sorry for my late reply! I just started a new job and got a little frazzled ahhh. But all is good now!

 

Listening to your story really sets my mind at ease. I've spent my life so far kind of rushing through, so I'm trying to take time to settle down and smell the roses. Friendships growing and changing like yours is awesome--slow and steady but always there. It's so nice  <3 <3 

 

My biggest fear is that she'll move on. I had that happen with another very close friend. When we hang out she invites the BF (always...), so I never see her just by herself anymore. And when I do, she's always on the phone texting him. Makes one feel pretty lonely sometimes! But then, my roomie is a very different person. Then again, people do move on... ah, there's the little anxiety bird in me! Time to pet it into quiet.

 

Thank you again for your kind words! I love your username by the way!

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On 3/23/2018 at 7:30 PM, Orianaro said:

You should maybe consider something like a QPR... honestly, if your roommate knows that you like her romantically (that's what I thought from your post), she's likely worried that you'll expect or want reciprocation. If you're okay with never being romantically loved by her, then you should sit down and tell that to her, that you're okay being in a weird kind of relationship and she doesn't need to reciprocate and you can negotiate romantic things. (Do know that she might get uncomfortable even if you're doing a normal thing but you're acting... romantic about it? I dunno, I absolutely get that. Talking to a person in the most normal, friend-like setting but just knowing that they like me romantically makes me really antsy and frankly anxious.) 

 

Try talking to her about everything, but make sure that you're prepared for everything. For a lack of change in your relationship, to be able to listen to any of her needs, to be ready to respect whatever boundaries. And whatever you say, make sure that she knows that there's no rush and that she has a valid say in your conversation and anything can be negotiated. Love is a very interesting thing. It really might work even if she loves you platonically and you love her romantically. Never underestimate platonic love... I'm in a QPR and it has been... the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. If it's something that would make you happy to have an answer, then prepare for every outcome and remember that communication and honesty are key. Also if it seems relevant, make sure she knows its not a replacement of her old buddy or anything else and that you love your relationship and that it is unique. 

 

Good luck with whatever you do :) I sympathize a lot with your roommate since I am also aro/ace, so be ready to give her some space. The idea of someone liking you romantically and being in some form of relationship can be stressful and make you self-conscious that they might accidentally expect that of you and get annoyed/unfulfilled by the lack of reciprocation, even if they say they're okay with that. So... make sure you understand that if you do want to talk to her :) 

 

I hope that was helpful... aros (or at least me) get kind of scared of romantic feelings because most everyone else we've ever come into contact with can't wrap their head around it. They'll say they get it, without really treating us that way. But yeah... good luck with everything!

Thank you so much for you reply!! (And so sorry for my late one!). 

 

Your perspective is so helpful!! I recognized everything you mentioned when I did confess to liking her. She seemed very anxious and for a while she was wary of giving me any affection. I didn't really know how to talk to her about it (we'd already had a few talks about touching before, so I didn't want to beat that horse again) so I just acted like I always did and gave her time to work through things. I wanted to reassure her with my actions that no matter what she wanted from me, I was fine with whatever made her comfortable. I feel like words aren't as strong as actions so I didn't think talking about it more at the time would help. 

 

She seems much more at ease now. I have thought about talking to her about a QPR, but I'm a little nervous that it may not be the right time. I think she needs more distance from last year and I need to make sure I can take it if she decides to move on. Right now I'm building up an emotional support system, since I came out of a situation with one that got severely broken. So I think I need some support myself in the case she decides to put up heavy boundaries.

 

I dunno though! I like how things are now, and I'm afraid that by bringing it up again, things will fall apart! 

 

She said she'd prefer if I loved her like a sister, because she can reciprocate that. I guess I'm just trying to convince my brain to do that and get rid of the other attraction I feel. Its hard for me to feel attracted to anyone, so I'm very confused myself! I've not felt like this before...

 

I just really love living with her, and hate the idea of giving that up. I've had a rough living situation so I feel like this is one of the best things I've had in such a long time. She told me the only reason she would want to move away is to be closer to her family (if I didn't want to go with her) and if she got married, so I'm just annoyingly hyper sensitive to that too!

 

But I think the problem is exacerbated by my anxiety too. All of which are my problems... I just have to figure out how to deal with them! 

 

Thank you so much again for your understanding response. I so appreciate it!

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EngineeRaven
5 hours ago, LittleLump said:

Ah, so sorry for my late reply! I just started a new job and got a little frazzled ahhh. But all is good now!

 

Listening to your story really sets my mind at ease. I've spent my life so far kind of rushing through, so I'm trying to take time to settle down and smell the roses. Friendships growing and changing like yours is awesome--slow and steady but always there. It's so nice  <3 <3 

 

My biggest fear is that she'll move on. I had that happen with another very close friend. When we hang out she invites the BF (always...), so I never see her just by herself anymore. And when I do, she's always on the phone texting him. Makes one feel pretty lonely sometimes! But then, my roomie is a very different person. Then again, people do move on... ah, there's the little anxiety bird in me! Time to pet it into quiet.

 

Thank you again for your kind words! I love your username by the way!

Oh, it's okay, university is on my neck too, don't worry. We can't always have time to reply to random forum topics. ^^
Oh yes, that happens time to time. Some people move on, and when they do, we can do nothing but move on too. It's hard, but it's possible. Even if with time she decides to choose another path, it doesn't mean you failed.

Again, you're very welcome! And thanks a lot!  I usually use a different nickname online, but I wanted this account separated from the others, so I chose this one. ^^

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@LittleLump I can totally understand wanting to give it time. And who knows, that might be the nicest thing for both of you right now. I do find it funny that she wished you guys could love each other like siblings, because my QP and I have described ourselves that way (most people assume we're dating or we're twins. We're fine with both assumptions.) If you explained the QPR to her in the right way, though frankly every QPR is vastly different and entirely defined by the people inside it, it could be what she was looking for too. But there's no rush, and giving things time is often nice. You don't have to label your relationship in any special way, as long as you guys hopefully have some sort of understanding when she's ready.

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This sounds like a stressful, unpleasant situation. Relationships tend to change quite dramatically when someone expresses feelings that are more than friendship towards another person (which is why it's so scary to confess). If it's mutual, it brings the two people closer together. If it's not reciprocated, it makes things awkward between those two people. I suspect that your friend still really values you as a friend, but she doesn't want to hurt your feelings while, at the same time, doesn't want to lead you on because she's not romantically interested in you (which is just her personal preference and says nothing about what a great person you are, so don't take it personally, even if it feels that way.) This leads to the object of affection constantly overexerting herself and overthinking every interaction you share so she can make sure she's not giving off misleading signals. As you can imagine, this is exhausting and stressful for her as well. She probably doesn't know what to do either. 

I'm not sure what you can do besides try to reassure her, as you have, that you really appreciate your friendship and respect it's boundaries. Try not to pressure her into any situation that makes her uncomfortable, such as hugging, at least until you establish that you both view the relationship platonically. The only reason she became uncomfortable with hugging you is because she doesn't want to lead you on and give you false hope that she might change her mind.

You're right that if she does find a long-term partner, she will probably become more distant from you. This happens with most people. All my married friends became distant from me, especially when they started having kids. At first, I felt really hurt. Then, (after bawling my eyes out for several years) I accepted it and moved on. We're still friends, but distant ones. I try to be grateful for the new friends I have, who have lives that are more similar to my own (no kids, career focused). I think all you can do is keep searching for your soulmate, that person who loves you as much as you love them. And you'll find them, but it may take some time. Having just one person you can count on really helps, and that's how I get by. :) 

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maybe it would be constructive for both of you to ask your friend for dating advice. there are plenty of people out there in the world to meet, you just have to find them, and that's really hard...but it's not impossible!

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  • 4 weeks later...
LittleLump
On 4/6/2018 at 10:02 PM, Xayah said:

This sounds like a stressful, unpleasant situation. Relationships tend to change quite dramatically when someone expresses feelings that are more than friendship towards another person (which is why it's so scary to confess). If it's mutual, it brings the two people closer together. If it's not reciprocated, it makes things awkward between those two people. I suspect that your friend still really values you as a friend, but she doesn't want to hurt your feelings while, at the same time, doesn't want to lead you on because she's not romantically interested in you (which is just her personal preference and says nothing about what a great person you are, so don't take it personally, even if it feels that way.) This leads to the object of affection constantly overexerting herself and overthinking every interaction you share so she can make sure she's not giving off misleading signals. As you can imagine, this is exhausting and stressful for her as well. She probably doesn't know what to do either. 

I'm not sure what you can do besides try to reassure her, as you have, that you really appreciate your friendship and respect it's boundaries. Try not to pressure her into any situation that makes her uncomfortable, such as hugging, at least until you establish that you both view the relationship platonically. The only reason she became uncomfortable with hugging you is because she doesn't want to lead you on and give you false hope that she might change her mind.

You're right that if she does find a long-term partner, she will probably become more distant from you. This happens with most people. All my married friends became distant from me, especially when they started having kids. At first, I felt really hurt. Then, (after bawling my eyes out for several years) I accepted it and moved on. We're still friends, but distant ones. I try to be grateful for the new friends I have, who have lives that are more similar to my own (no kids, career focused). I think all you can do is keep searching for your soulmate, that person who loves you as much as you love them. And you'll find them, but it may take some time. Having just one person you can count on really helps, and that's how I get by. :) 

I really think this is how she's feeling. It does make a lot of sense. Sometimes I wish I hadn't said anything, then maybe she wouldn't feel so awkward! I could have been Tomoyo Daidouji from Cardcaptor Sakura XD

 

I do dread her moving on, because I just don't know what the future is going to be. She does have a boy she was dating for a while, and she stopped dating him because she realized she didn't need a relationship. He's totally fine with her being asexual, and he's still very interested in her. She did tell me that if she were ever going to date anyone again, it would be him, but she's iffy because he doesn't take care of himself well.

 

I'm so glad that you are feeling better though. Friends moving on and finding their people is so hard. I know that you will do fine, because you are so strong and understanding! I so appreciate your reply and I'm so sorry I was so late in mine!

 

On 4/7/2018 at 3:54 AM, gisiebob said:

maybe it would be constructive for both of you to ask your friend for dating advice. there are plenty of people out there in the world to meet, you just have to find them, and that's really hard...but it's not impossible!

I was thinking of that too... I decided to creep a little, just to wet the toes. Unfortunately I immediately saw "If you're over this weight you disgust me" and immediately ran away, haha. My poor big heart isn't ready to face that sort of discrimination yet.

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I had kind of almost the opposite situation happen to me. I have a friend that I met in college that sort of became my bestie really fast and then last year right before college finals confessed that he liked me when we were both a little drunk. I couldn't actually picture myself dating him, and he seemed to already know that I didn't feel the same as him, but confessed anyways. After that, he moved in with this girl that we are both friends with and then told me this winter that he wanted to date her, right before I went to a different country, so I kind of don't know where I stand with them. 

 

Point of the matter is, it's awkward to know that someone likes you romantically and then watch them move on after that. Give her some time and space, and let her make some of the decisions about how to move forward with all this stuff. And make sure you let her know that you still care, no matter what form your relationship takes. It might be really awkward and hurt, but even though I haven't seen my friends for a while, whenever I talk to them, if they are happy, it makes me happy too. And if they get sad, I get sad too, even if it is slightly awkward that they've moved into a relationship. Your friend might move on, you might move on, but the important thing in the end I think is maintaining the friendship? relationship? with her if you can. If it hurts too much than its better to move on. That's all the advice I can really give, so sorry if it's not helpful.

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  • 2 weeks later...
ExquisiteMystery
On 5/5/2018 at 7:09 AM, LittleLump said:

 

I was thinking of that too... I decided to creep a little, just to wet the toes. Unfortunately I immediately saw "If you're over this weight you disgust me" and immediately ran away, haha. My poor big heart isn't ready to face that sort of discrimination yet.

It is definitely out there, along with the "you're just saying you're (ace/demi/term of choice) because no one finds fat people attractive" crap.

Please, know that it is a lie. A body with contours and textures is to be admired. Think of all the religous statues of super statuesque women. 

I have no advice for the dating (not my thing). But remember you are your sturdy body, thinking brain, and thoughful emotions, all together. Modern culture is swamped with so many images of artificial/edited people, it's easy to lose sight of humanity's variations. And, I always think, "My body is doing it's job. My fat prepares me for illness, loss of resources and colder temperatures. Good job, body."

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