Jump to content

Are we as 'important'?


Recommended Posts

Zookeeper13

Hello all. I have a question for the group.

 

I came out to my family as Ace just over a year ago. Everyone was cool with it, and really supportive, which was nice. But I've been told that I didn't really "come out" since no one is gonna be mad at you for being Ace, that it's not a big deal. I've also been told that I don't know what it's like for people who are trans, or bi, or gay (which they're right, I don't) because being asexual isn't as ground shaking and upsetting.

 

I'm not saying I want applause, or congratulations, or special recognition, I just want my family to take this as seriously of a fact about me as I do, and not to be trivialized

 

To be honest, those things are really hurtful to hear, make me feel trivialized, and genuinely upset me. Am I overreacting? IS this as 'big of a deal' as I seem to think it is, or is everyone right and I'm just being dramatic?

 

Sorry for the rant, but I figured if anyone could help me understand it's y'all.

 

Thanks!

.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Telling friends and family you're something they may not expect is scary in general, and shouldn't be trivialized in any case. This isn't a competition; we're not in the olympics... everyone's got big landmarks in their lives and people ought to respect that. 

 

I'm sorry you felt trivialized. For what it's worth, coming at as any identity can be very scary, and doing it is pretty courageous, imo. 

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
Quote

I came out to my family as Ace just over a year ago. Everyone was cool with it, and really supportive, which was nice. But I've been told that I didn't really "come out" since no one is gonna be mad at you for being Ace, that it's not a big deal.

Well, that isn't really true.  Asexuality can be a contributor toward relationship strife (just look at the subforum here for sexuals and their relationships with us), and a number of people will label us as freaks for not being "into" anyone, even if they can still understand, for instance, gay people (because at least they're still "into" someone)

 

That being said, you can't really force anyone to take something seriously if it just isn't a big deal to them.  All you can really do is assert yourself and say "well, to me, this is a big deal" and people will either learn to respect that, or they won't.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
E Wildflower

In telling your family that you're asexual, you had to explain to them that what you are is not exactly what society has taught them to expect from you. That's a coming out. It may be a slightly different experience from coming out as gay, bisexual, or transgender, but even among people who identify with the same label, every coming out story is unique because no two people have the exact same life situation. Perhaps you've had it easier than some folks, but I wouldn't say that coming out as asexual is inherently easier than coming out as gay, bi, or trans. Even then, just because your coming out story has been a fairly pleasant one doesn't make it any less valid.

 

I wish I could come up with a more coherent way to word that, but I hope it helps anyways.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

A lot of people think that being Ace isn't "important" because we won't get "persecuted" because we can "blend in" with society. But what they don't really consider is romantic orientations (homosexual or bisexual aces).

 

Also it makes sense for someone to say, "Oh, there's no way [insert group here] would be persecuted against. Because I wouldn't persecute against them." I see a lot of people with the mindset, "Racism doesn't exist today because I can't fathom people being racist because I'm not racist." And I think that a lot of people have that mindset with other minority groups as well (I use racism as an example because I live in the south.)

 

But also asexuals do face real persecution. Either from religious nuts (not saying all religious people are nuts. I'm talking about people that are nuts and use their religion as an excuse to be nuts.) that for some reason think being asexual is a sin (Try to figure that one out.) Or from sexuals that just don't see someone being asexual and say things like, "I can fix that." or threaten to sexually assault someone to "change their minds". Some people are just legit crazy.

 

Also I have come out to some people that either responded with, "OMG YOU'RE CRAZY! YOU DON'T LIKE SEX?" and some people that were like, "You're not asexual, your'e just a late bloomer!" So it's easy for them to think you'll be accepted without question because they don't see an issue with it, but that's why we need to educate people and be vigilant about telling our stories.

  • Like 8
Link to post
Share on other sites

Coming out as ace is scary and hard. So is coming out as gay. I wouldn't say it's the same, it's scary in different ways. I wasn't scared of being attacked or anything when I came out as ace (as opposed to how I now feel facing coming out as gay), but I still never told certain people for various reasons. Your identity is important no matter what it is and should be respected. I don't see the point in saying one is more important than another, because even if that were true, it doesn't matter. It's like saying you can't be happy because there are other people in the world more happy than you, so your happiness doesn't matter.

6 hours ago, Zookeeper13 said:

I don't know what it's like for people who are trans, or bi, or gay (which they're right, I don't) because being asexual isn't as ground shaking and upsetting.

I don't even agree with this personally. It's different for everyone. It really depends on your unique situation. For my circumstances, I don't think being gay is any more ground-shaking and/or upsetting than being asexual was. They both probably affected me to the same extent. Well, more and less in different ways. For some people, sure, being gay would affect you a hell of a lot more and put you in mortal danger. But then there's a minority lucky enough to be in a situation where they would be treated the same as straight people.

 

You're not overreacting, it's perfectly understandable to be upset for not being taken seriously.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

 You’re right that aces have a different set of struggles from gay or trans people  but that doesn’t mean our experiences aren’t important .  I’m 34 and I never heard about this until a year ago,  so while nobody is going to beat me up for being asexual,  I have suffered considerable mental distress because I sucked at being straight and didn’t know why. Being ace  is still a key part of your identity that sets you apart from the mainstream and it is a big deal. Sorry your family reacted that way but you have every right to be upset

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
snufflebottoms

So what if that's true that being asexual is less 'important'? I know that may feel invalidating but that's how people end up in oppression Olympics arguments - it starts with a desire to feel understood and a response that quantifies suffering. Once you've engaged, you've already lost that battle - even if you 'win.'

You can still have a valid experience and emotions even if being ace isn't personally detrimental to your safety and well being. Even if your family was super supportive. Even if you never suffer anything other than your own anxiety. Your friends are shitting on your experience out of (perhaps understandable) frustration. But that's crappy no matter what.  

I personally find that the label itself invites discrimination where it is unnecessary and invites discussion over semantics that's hurtful because you're living a life, not an abstract theory.

Link to post
Share on other sites
12 hours ago, Zookeeper13 said:

Everyone was cool with it, and really supportive, which was nice. But I've been told that I didn't really "come out" since no one is gonna be mad at you for being Ace, that it's not a big deal. I've also been told that I don't know what it's like for people who are trans, or bi, or gay (which they're right, I don't) because being asexual isn't as ground shaking and upsetting.

 

I'm not saying I want applause, or congratulations, or special recognition, I just want my family to take this as seriously of a fact about me as I do, and not to be trivialized

If any of my children "came out" to *me*, my reaction might be similar to your own family's.  It's not that I would be "trivializing" as much as normalizing.  And the last thing I'd want to do is to cause any of my children distress because I didn't see them as normal.  

 

It may not be that they're not taking you seriously, but that you could be taking yourself a little too seriously...?

 

After all, if we want other people to see asexuals as 'normal', maybe we should start seeing ourselves as 'normal' first.

 

Just some food for thought...

Link to post
Share on other sites
48 minutes ago, vega57 said:

It's not that I would be "trivializing" as much as normalizing.

I have to disagree with this assessment.  While I do agree with your point that normalizing asexuality is the end goal, and as a parent you don't want your child to think you don't consider them normal. I think the particular response described here isn't doing that.  Comparing it to other orientations and saying that they have it tougher is trivializing and dismissive, and ignores the fact that we are still outside of what mainstream society considers normal. All of this just sort of feeds into the problem of invisibility.  

Link to post
Share on other sites
Conspiracy_Web
On 3/22/2018 at 11:23 PM, Zookeeper13 said:

I came out to my family as Ace just over a year ago. Everyone was cool with it, and really supportive, which was nice. But I've been told that I didn't really "come out" since no one is gonna be mad at you for being Ace, that it's not a big deal. I've also been told that I don't know what it's like for people who are trans, or bi, or gay (which they're right, I don't) because being asexual isn't as ground shaking and upsetting.

You're not being dramatic, coming out as Ace is hard to do because it can be dramatic. I've told my mom that I'm not interested in sex, she yelled at me saying I'd die alone. She wants me to go to therapy so I can figure out my issues because sex is important.

Being asexual can also be a disadvantage in our highly sexual world, the media is highly based on sex. It can also be harder for an ace person to find a date then someone who is gay or bi.

 

Maybe you should have a talk with your family about how you feel trivialized. Explain to them that things could have gone badly. Explain to them that being ace is an important part of  who you are and that you feel like they don't appreciate that. 

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
EggplantWitch

As everyone else has pointed out, you only need to take a brief jaunt across the forums to find dozens of stories of asexuals who have been shouted at, harassed and abused for their orientation. And while it is true that, say, a heteroromantic ace woman like myself doesn't have the experiences of someone who is gay, bi, or trans... someone who is gay doesn't have the same experiences as someone who is bi or trans. And someone who is trans and gay doesn't have the same experiences as someone who is cis and gay. And someone who is gay and has an accepting family doesn't have the same experiences as someone who is gay and has a hateful one. The only thing anyone has in common under the LGBTQ umbrella is that we are seen as wrong or defective or alien because of our identities, and just because someone else has additional problems relating to their identity than another doesn't mean no one else has problems at all. iTo suggest as much, like your family did, is extremely hurtful and often used as an excuse not to take positive action.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
On 23.3.2018 at 6:27 AM, E Wildflower said:

In telling your family that you're asexual, you had to explain to them that what you are is not exactly what society has taught them to expect from you.

I disagree with the whole "it's society's fault" approach. One, nowhere in the opening post does it say that OP was expected to do something or other. Two, even if it were "expected" (which I'm not ruling out, btw), it might just as well what they'd like their family member to experience at some point. Portraying sexual folks as "brainwashed" by "society" isn't only inaccurate to say the least, it is dangerous to the cause of asexuality being taken seriously.

 

Furthermore, I think that whether something is important or not is entirely personal and subjective. Being asexual might be important for some people. To me, sex is just one of 427 things I'm not interested in (and I have yet to face any backlash for it). There are so many other things which determine who I am as a person much more than the absence of interest in sex.

Link to post
Share on other sites
E Wildflower
11 hours ago, Homer said:

I disagree with the whole "it's society's fault" approach. One, nowhere in the opening post does it say that OP was expected to do something or other. Two, even if it were "expected" (which I'm not ruling out, btw), it might just as well what they'd like their family member to experience at some point. Portraying sexual folks as "brainwashed" by "society" isn't only inaccurate to say the least, it is dangerous to the cause of asexuality being taken seriously.

 

Furthermore, I think that whether something is important or not is entirely personal and subjective. Being asexual might be important for some people. To me, sex is just one of 427 things I'm not interested in (and I have yet to face any backlash for it). There are so many other things which determine who I am as a person much more than the absence of interest in sex.

I apologise for the poor wording of my earlier post. I was not trying to say that sexual folks are "brainwashed" in any way, simply that people are generally assumed to be sexual unless they specify otherwise, in the same way that people are generally assumed to be straight and cisgender unless they specify otherwise. That process of explaining to people that you are something other than the heterosexual, heteroromantic, cisgender default is a major part of what defines a coming out in my opinion.

 

The second part is related to what you said about whether or not it's important being subjective and personal. It's a coming out if it's something that you think is important to specify about yourself. Some people may identify as asexual (or any other term), but not feel it necessary to specify that unless it is specifically relevant, so they don't need to come out, while others may feel that tell their family and friends that they are asexual is important to them, so to them, doing that would be a coming out.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Quote

If you are a romantic ace, there probably is little need for any disclosure outside your romantic relationships.

As someone that has run into a whole lot of really awkward conversations and scenarios with people due to being assumed I had a normal sexuality like they did (whether or not it was brought upon by them observing I could still experience things like crushes), I personally have to vehemently deny this one.  Maybe some aces wouldn't care, but for me, socializing is already a difficult process and this was/is just another thing that adds to it when people don't know about (or recognize) my identity.

Link to post
Share on other sites
4 hours ago, E Wildflower said:

simply that people are generally assumed to be sexual unless they specify otherwise, in the same way that people are generally assumed to be straight and cisgender unless they specify otherwise.

...and that's totally understandable.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Going to drop this here: "Intergroup bias toward “Group X”: Evidence of prejudice, dehumanization, avoidance, and discrimination against asexuals".

 

We're the most dehumanized group, that people would intend to interact with the least, of sexual orientations. The only one that is worse is bisexuality as regards renting specifically. Even sapiosexuality is more well liked. People do tend to, even a bit, think of asexual persons as lacking not just sexuality but ability to feel passion. Funny enough, more educated people hold this bias more. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
snufflebottoms
On ‎3‎/‎25‎/‎2018 at 9:31 PM, Philip027 said:

As someone that has run into a whole lot of really awkward conversations and scenarios with people due to being assumed I had a normal sexuality like they did (whether or not it was brought upon by them observing I could still experience things like crushes), I personally have to vehemently deny this one.  Maybe some aces wouldn't care, but for me, socializing is already a difficult process and this was/is just another thing that adds to it when people don't know about (or recognize) my identity.


That's fair. There are certainly reasons to disclose. But one could choose not to, without having to keep a romantic partnership a secret. It's still rude for people to fight you on your identity, even if they don't really get asexuality. It doesn't affect them and as your friend they should respect that. I know people don't but perfect world, I can dream lol.  

Link to post
Share on other sites
andreas1033

It is a load of bull to assume your life cannot be destroyed for being asexual.

 

Mine was.

 

So op, when your not one of the majority, there will always be risked. Of course today with net, people may understand a little more, but that does not mean, that being asexual, does not mean risks in your life.

 

The person whom told you op, that it is not a possible danger is wrong, and ignorant to how people are. But by and large, being asexual should not be something that brings trouble, but it definitely can.

 

I will always be glad i was asexual, but it sure did contribute to my life being messed up.

 

Its why years ago, people like us, that assumed we would be asexual when we were young, would go away and live in some sort of monastery, or become a priest or nun, or something.

 

Not being sexual in a sexual world can bring problems into your life, and it can be dangerous. So op, that person that told you otherwise is wrong, but by and large, it should not bring you problems, but do not assume, that it cannot.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Bronztrooper

With me, I only came out to specific people in my life about being asexual, primarily because I was close to them and felt that they would understand why I felt the way I did.  Those individuals were my younger sister (who had several friends at school who fit into at least one section each of the LGBTQA+ community), 5 very close friends of mine that I had met online (1 being a bi woman, 1 being a gay man, 2 straight women, and a straight man), and my father- my mother is not in that list because I've never felt particularly close to her, but that's unrelated.  My friends and my sister were very understanding and were happy for me.

 

My father, though, didn't believe me and his response was along the lines of "You'll change your mind when you get laid."  The man I had grown up with and respected more deeply than I respected anyone, the man whose only reason for sticking around was to take care of me and my sister despite being in a relationship with someone else (and before you ask, no, my mother didn't care about it because they had stopped dating each other when I was young and both moved to other people), who did whatever he felt he had to do to make sure me and my sister had a roof over our heads, and he didn't believe me when I told him I was asexual.  It hurt.  It still does.  But I realize that while my story is relatively devoid of any real negative reactions to coming out, I cannot speak for the experiences of anyone else.  And honestly, this stems from my acknowledgement that despite every negative outcome in the lives of both me and my family, I am still luckier than many others and cannot speak for their experiences with my own.

 

It's part of the reason that I get frustrated and angry when the problems that people who have it worse than I do get trivialized and put down.  Because I realize that while I am not in their situation, I cannot, under any circumstances, claim that I know about how to deal with it better than they do.  Everyone has their own difficulties and obstacles in life, be they cultural, societal, financial, religious, etc.  People who cannot understand that it isn't a competition of who has it worse are just as bad as those who are deliberately keeping people from being able to pull themselves out of their own metaphorical hole.

 

The best thing you can do is learn about other people's experiences with coming out.  Learn about how they were treated afterwards.  Regardless of their orientation, people may receive overwhelming positive reactions, some may receive very negative reactions,  while others may receive a mix of both or neither.  If more people thought this way, I think the world would be a better place.  But they don't.

 

Most of the reason why I am picky about who I tell about my being asexual is because I have no idea how they'd respond, so either I avoid talking to them, or talk to them to the point where I can get an idea of whether or not they'd be understanding (so far, I haven't really misjudged anyone aside from my father, which I guess is good).  You were relatively lucky, OP.  While your family has been on the supportive side, they also don't seem to realize what it means to you, which, imo, is more important than trying to not make it into a big thing.

 

All I can suggest on that front is to let them know how important it is to you that you identify as being asexual.  Hopefully they'll understand.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think, most sexuals, does not really get the concept of ‘asexuality’, but just thinks you dont like all that fuzz and stress about sex. Perhaps that you are just feeling awkward about it or If you are somehow molested, then it will be understood as the reason why.

To a partner, your parents or whoever you want to come out to, it can be important to know what to expect.

 

 

The label doesnt help much, as it contains a variety of versions. But perhaps to say out loud how YOU feel different  about things which are otherwise considered ‘normal’. Here is a selection, add and change to make them fit:

 

“I find sex disgusting. It makes me sick to think about it.”

 

”I do not dream of holding hands with a partner”

 

”when you kiss my on my cheek, I feel it like a violent slap. I hate it and it is the direct reason why I dont come to visit you, because I fear for it”

 

”I would rather live alone forever, than have a partner who expected intimacy. Even though I loved him”

 

”there are forms of sex, which you do not want. Like homosexual sex! I have it that way with any type of sex”

 

”I can be okay with some sex, but could easily do without forever”

 

”no, you are never going to get grandchildren”

 

”I just dont show/receive love that way”

 

”Is there any more cake”

 

”please, dont touch me there. It makes me cringe in a not nice way. I know you dont mean it like that, but stop.”

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...