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In First Ever Relationship, Questioning Self


liverbaliver

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liverbaliver

this is my first ever post here, so I’m a little nervous, but I couldn’t find an good answer on google. Please excuse me if it’s long.

so, I’ve been very comfortable in my asexuality for a while. I think it’s relevant to say that I am also very comfortable w the fact I have a (healthy, normal level) sex drive, that I am also aware of its changes and ups and downs in my cycle. I’ve always been comfortable taking care of that sort of thing myself.

 

but now I’m in my first ever relationship, with a guy I absolutely adore and have liked for quite a while. He’s NEVER been pushy about sexual stuff, always asks and double checks before, during, and after we fool around, and I even mentioned after the first time we fooled around that I was ace, and he seemed okay with that, tho I don’t think he fully understands it. 

 

But now I’m starting to get really confused again, because while I’ve always been able to differentiate between aesthetic attraction and such, I still truly have now grasp on what sexual attraction is or feels like. So now that I’m in an actively sexual romantic relationship with someone I’m very much in love with and trust, I’m starting to wonder if the arousal feelings, pleasure from our activities (which come from the physical and emotional aspects of it), and how I do find his body attractive aesthetically (he’s physically my type, his build and face and such are what I’ve always found visually appealing) are actually what sexual attraction is.

 

i always has a very neutral stance on sex and sexual acts before this relationship, since it didn’t disgust me, I knew certain things felt good due to my own experimenting, and I had no experience w other people. Even now, when we do things is almost entirely based on when I want it, and that’s highly effected by my cycle. If we never did anything again I would neither be upset or happy. But I am now very confused, and still unsure of what sexual attraction really is, what it looks and feels like, and would like some advice. (Sorry this got long)

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binary suns

it's very subjective and you could only give us enough info to tell you what is true if you posted way too many posts picking it all apart. it ain't worth it ;) trust your own judgement. 

 

The most important thing is - do what you are comfortable doing and don't hurt yourself. 

 

 

 

It's possible you are simply a sex-indifferent or sex-favorable asexual or greysexual. I wouldn't know though. By a indiffernt ace is someone who is neither repulsed nor favorable towards sex, they can take it or leave it, no big deal. and sex-favourable is someone who actually enjoys sex, despite no to little desire for it. 

 

 

Generally speaking - if your aesthetic attraction to him seems to be linked to sexual experiences, I'd then call it sexual attraction. But I am sure it can be a little confusing when you're attracted to him aesthetically and your body is responding to sex. I never really know what to really say to help out that situation - because unfortunately there is a lot of controversy there. Generally speaking if you feel desire for his body because of sex, that's probably responsive sexual desire. If you just feel "turned on" in the same way you feel turned on for masturbation - completely devoid of association or need for a partner let alone him - then it's just a confusing juxtaposition of attraction with libido. 

 

From the sounds of it, if you do feel sexual attraction, it is possible you are greysexual or demisexual - but either way it puts your orientation into question and I totally empathize with that. hope if so, that you have strength going forward to find new clarity. 

 

 

 

PS.  generally I like to refer to "sex drive" to be libido that involves some level of need for sexual contact (or connection) with a partner, while "libido" refers to a drive to masturbate, get aroused, or orgasm, without any need for a partner.

 

 

 

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liverbaliver

Yeah, demisexual was definitely something I’ve been looking into, thank you for the response! I’ll just wait a little bit, see if anything else crops up. maybe talk to him about it, since he does feel sexual attraction, and see what he thinks. 

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The way I see it, if you feel attracted to him and don't mind sex, it is garden variety attraction - the sort we feel for anyone as a person, but since you find sex pleasurable, you don't mind enjoying it with him. My ace goes to the extent of saying I'm better at getting him off than he is at masturbating himself, so he prefers sex with me when he is horny. But it is still generally about liking me and not having a problem with sex. If I refused, he'd move on with life without a second thought (other than perhaps wondering why I was refusing, given that I'm almost guaranteed horny around him). It wouldn't be a big deal. He'd focus just fine on whatever happens next and sex would be out of his mind altogether.

 

If you feel attracted to him and would like to have sex and would be disappointed if the sex did not happen, it is sexual attraction. If it didn't happen, you'd be wishing it did, wondering when it can happen next, and generally not being able to let the subject go easily.

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I'm a gray asexual indifferent to sex. I feel that sexual attraction for me is when I'm more open to having sex with that person because it doesn't gross me out if they touch me sexually or I'm more curious to have sex with them. Still never feel desire though. Sometimes I even get a few tinglies in my chest when I kiss them. This has only happened like three times ever in my life.

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