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In a celibate relationship and suddenly questioning my ace identity. Insights?


bluemoonrising

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bluemoonrising

My partner and I have been together just over a year now, and we both identify as asexual. I broke things off with my last relationship as my ex was very much a sexual guy and although we had a sex life I couldn't provide him with that emotional closeness/intimacy he craved from the sex act and it was really hard on both of us so I ended things.  My current partner, on the other hand, is a virgin and 20 years older than I am, in his mid fifties. Before he met me he had never been married or in a relationship. He had not dated apart from very briefly with a woman when he was younger, which eventually culminated in her initiating sex when they stayed in a hotel, and him being unable to go through with the sex act. 

 

It is clear that my partner is possibly sex repulsed and has no libido as such. To be fair on my partner he was completely upfront and honest from the start of our relationship that he couldn't give me a sexual relationship and, given how I feel about sex, and my having been in a previous sexual relationship, I was fine with this. My partner was not aware asexuality existed and had difficulties accepting his sexual identity- he just ignored his lack of interest in it. Naturally he was worried about telling me he wasn't interested in sex as he felt I wouldn't see it as a 'complete' relationship, which I did understand but I reassured him sex was not important to me and that I understood it was part of his identity and not a personal rejection of me. 

 

I. on the other hand, identify with the asexual identity for all the reasons people consider themselves ace, but I am not sex repulsed and feel positive towards sex as a loving expression. Although I don't 'crave' sexual encounters as such, I am very open minded and would be happy to experience sexual contact within the context of a romantic relationship. I can't handle a standard 'allosexual' relationship with sex being a focus of the relationship, but nonetheless I feel I am one of those asexuals who do want and enjoy the sexual act despite not having a big libido or compelling drive to have it. 

 

Which brings me onto my relationship with my partner. He is a wonderful guy who clearly adores me (feeling is mutual) and we are both very affectionate with each other. We do express intimacy, in the sense that we spoon naked and french kiss. Our relationship is completely celibate and partner feels he is happy with the way things are (in terms of celibacy) and for the most part, I have been happy too. Recently though, my partner has been discussing the prospect of marriage, and for some reason, I have found myself questioning and thinking over our celibate relationship and wondering if it's something I'm okay with if we stay together long term and get married. I do accept my partner's asexual identity and realise his feelings aren't likely to change, but I find myself thinking that sometimes I wish I had the option of having sexual contact with him. I'm only 32, and without children, which I'm perfectly okay with, but I worry as I get older I might change my mind and I'm pretty sure that option wouldn't be there for me. Also, I feel I may wish to experience that with my partner one day, sexual intimacy. 

Just to be clear, I don't feel sexually frustrated or resentful towards my partner that we don't have a sexual component in the relationship, but I do wonder if I'm okay deep down with the prospect of never having any sexual contact with my partner if we get married and stay together. I think it's more the lack of an option being there if i wanted to have sex or experiment sexually with someone. I have never made any sexual advances as I am respectful of his feelings towards sex and would not want to cross the line. He is old fashioned and believes in monogamy so I know an 'open relationship' would not be okay with him at all and I respect that.

 

If I'm honest, I feel confused that I'm suddenly started feeling this way, wondering if this somehow invalidates my 'aceness', as if I'm not a true asexual, and I especially feel guilty/a horrible person for questioning whether I want to stay with him long term especially given how honest and soul baring he was right from the start about his feelings- which he didn't have to do. He didn't fake an interest on the premise of keeping me around. 

 

Any insights would be appreciated! 

 

 

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Right off the bat, you're a valid ace for as long as you want to identify as such :) Having or wanting sex doesn't invalidate that, the word 'asexual' is simply a tool we can use to describe our experiences in the world for the most part. 

 

Marriage is something big and scary, just like anything that we're told is for the rest of our lives. It's intimidating to be faced with the prospect of something that's unchanging, but the fact of the matter is that relationships evolve and change all the time, even after a wedding. The best thing you can do is to make decisions that will best lead to your happiness, with all the information that you have on hand right now. I'd suggest communicating with your partner, letting him know that you're worried that you might want something sexual in the future, and discuss how you're going to approach that challenge. 

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Purple Wanderer

Natural to have doubts. Also natural to want what you can't have. You mentioned briefly kids... did you mention it as a far out possibility or something you think about... if he's damned opposed there'd be friction down to the line - something to bring up in conversation 

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I say this as a COMPLETE hypocrite, but don’t get so caught up in making sure that the box you put yourself in is labeled accurately that you get in the way of your own happiness. It does not invalidate your identity to want to leave open the possibility of sex with your partner. It doesn’t invalidate your identity to desire sex with your partner. As far as I know, there’s no Ace Police Force that’s going to break down your door and demand that you revoke your asexual identity. So let go of that train of thought. You are who you are and you’re exactly who you’re meant to be. 

 

It’s okay if you don’t think that you can stay happily celibate forever. It’s okay if permanent celibacy is a deal breaker. Your feelings are valid and your wants are valid.

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I do accept my partner's asexual identity and realise his feelings aren't likely to change, but I find myself thinking that sometimes I wish I had the option of having sexual contact with him. I'm only 32, and without children, which I'm perfectly okay with, but I worry as I get older I might change my mind and I'm pretty sure that option wouldn't be there for me. Also, I feel I may wish to experience that with my partner one day, sexual intimacy. 

Just to be clear, I don't feel sexually frustrated or resentful towards my partner that we don't have a sexual component in the relationship, but I do wonder if I'm okay deep down with the prospect of never having any sexual contact with my partner if we get married and stay together.

Yeah, uhh, if this is something that is troubling you, that's honestly a big sign that points away from asexuality.  Maybe you're more on the demi side than you may have previously thought you were.

 

This is pretty much the thought process that a sexual person would go through upon really realizing they are about to commit to a partner that won't give them sex, after previously thinking they could be okay with it.

 

Regardless, you need to hash this out with him before you go off and get married.  Don't let him go along thinking everything is perfectly fine when it actually isn't.  There's only one time I've ever really felt *betrayed* when it came to a relationship, and it was precisely for this sort of reason -- unspoken grievances that only became spoken when it was too late.  I implore you not to do the same sort of thing with him.

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10 hours ago, bluemoonrising said:

 I feel I am one of those asexuals who do want and enjoy the sexual act despite not having a big libido or compelling drive to have it. 

 

Asexuals generally don't want or enjoy sex as such.  That's pretty much the definition of asexuality.  And the fact that you're wondering whether you really can envision a long-term relationship/marriage with this definitely asexual guy should make you think seriously about your self definition of asexuality.  

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I wonder if your unease is about how you interpret desire.

 

My ace has, on occasion says he likes to have sex with me even though he is asexual, because he enjoys that I desire him and that he can fulfill it. So even if not as sexuals see it, on some level he does interpret intimacy out of sex, even if it is more of a "need to be needed" kind of thing than directly wanting sex. While he totally understands not desiring someone for sex, he is not as comfortable not being sexually desired (he actually initiates sex if I'm going through a dry spell and it can be one of the rare occasions when he offes sex instead of masturbating me!), since he knows that for most people that is how sex and love are enmeshed, even if not for him, so a partner who didn't desire him sexually would worry him the same as aces worry sexuals. Less about the sex and more about the "not feeling wanted".

 

Just a thought - if his not wanting sex at all somehow feels like his love for you may not be real or as enduring or solid or whatever - some doubts. Most sexuals on this forum will be able to recognize it, and you'll recognize how many times we say IT IS NOT ABOUT THE SEX, but about feeling wanted, desired by the partner. Perhaps it is possible that an ace who holds intimacy in high priority feels skeptical about the lack of desire aces can exhibit even when they are ace themselves. Like even if we don't have sex, surely you could want me... 

 

But then I don't really see sexualities as separate, but more of a spectrum and even in that spectrum, we sort of inhabit a range of how for or against or indiffernet about sex we are, depending on various things. So in my view of the world, an ace who isn't sex averse desiring sex with their partner for the closeness is not out of the realm of possibility AND without implying that they are "into" sex.

 

My partner, for example is a big foodie. I am not. I occasionally will indulge with him, mostly to watch his delight. I'd worry and initiate a visit to a restaurant if a while went by without him showing any interest at all. I'd wonder why he isn't doing something that he gets joy from or whether my disinclination for it is spoiling his enjoyment as well... and want to somehow make it happen for him AND be with him through it - while detesting restaurants for myself anyway. It is like I may not like eating out, but I like that he likes it.

 

This may or may not be your case, but it gave me a mental kick/jolt to think.

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Hmm. It could be just the idea of never having sex with him or anyone else is what freaks you out. You could easily never want sex ever again, but you'd feel like you are somehow limiting yourself even though it isn't something you'd ever even want. I can get that. I was thinking about marriage to my boyfriend for a while and something felt off about it. I came up with enough grounded reasons on why marriage isn't right for me, but there is also this undescribable feeling of just really not being ok with the idea of marriage. I don't have specifics. I don't feel like I'd be trapped or lose any freedoms with my personal relationship and boyfriend. And yet, the idea of marriage and what it means still freaks me out somehow. So I don't know if this makes sense, but maybe it's just the idea of not being able to have sex bothers you more than you will actually be wanting sex at some point. Either way, work on some self discovery and consider getting a kickass therapist who is good at getting you to think in new patterns and ways that can be helpful in pinpointing exactly what is bothering you. Good luck!

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16 hours ago, anamikanon said:

I wonder if your unease is about how you interpret desire.

 

My ace has, on occasion says he likes to have sex with me even though he is asexual, because he enjoys that I desire him and that he can fulfill it. So even if not as sexuals see it, on some level he does interpret intimacy out of sex, even if it is more of a "need to be needed" kind of thing than directly wanting sex. While he totally understands not desiring someone for sex, he is not as comfortable not being sexually desired (he actually initiates sex if I'm going through a dry spell and it can be one of the rare occasions when he offes sex instead of masturbating me!), since he knows that for most people that is how sex and love are enmeshed, even if not for him, so a partner who didn't desire him sexually would worry him the same as aces worry sexuals. Less about the sex and more about the "not feeling wanted".

 

A very good description of why some asexuals may initiate sex even though they don't want sex for sex's sake.  

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