LovingWolf Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 Hello everyone. I never come on forums to ask for advice but i am out of my loop here. I am a strait sexual guy and have been dating an asexual girl for 8 months now and she just told me that's what she was today. I don't want to cross lines with her or boundaries but i just need more information on dating an asexual. i have read through the Asexual Relationships and Questions about Asexuality threads and I'm not getting what I'm looking for. Breaking up is out of the question. I have never felt this way about anyone ever in my life so I want her to be comfortable as we date. Can anyone help explain what I can do to make her happy with being with me and or anything to make her and or my life easier as well (I'm not overly concerned about me, I just want her to be comfortable). She is OK with kissing/making out hugs hand holding and cuddling and she told me if I ever make her uncomfortable shed tell me to stop and i would in a heart beat. I guess what im asking is for any information on dating an asexual being a sexual or information on how to make them feel like they aren't "ruining my life". Thanks in advance Link to post Share on other sites
Claire1983 Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 It's great that you're so committed to making the relationship work! Really I think the best thing to do is to talk to her and negotiate where the boundaries are. The fact that you're so conscious of her comfort is fantastic and I think as long as you keep the lines of communication open, you'll do fine! Everyone is different with how far they're willing to take things so there's no easy answer. Just be honest with her and let her know that it's ok for her to be honest in return so you can find something that works for both of you. Editing to second the below. Be sure that you tell her what you need from a relationship too. Your needs are important too, and it's important that you're both getting what you need out of a relationship. Being willing to compromise is great, but be sure you won't end up resenting her later if your needs aren't getting met. Link to post Share on other sites
caffeine Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 Eh, as the (grey) ace in a mixed relationship - that part is actually on her. If she believes she's hindering you or your happiness in any way, the only sure way to change that is for her to work on it for herself. It's not something that can come from the outside. Of course, there are things you can offer to help her with that - you've already discussed boundaries and you seem ready to respect them, which is good. However, I'm a little concerned about the "not overly concerned about me, just want her to be comfortable" part. I know it's coming from a place of love, and you feel like this now, but dismissing yourself and your needs completely in favour of another person is not a good long-term strategy. I think it'll be better if you openly and honestly discuss your individual needs and how you can achieve some balance. What if she doesn't want to have sex ever, are you okay with that? Will she be okay with that for you? Basically - talk, a lot, be open and honest. It seems like you're up to a good start. Link to post Share on other sites
Curi Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 Relationships are a two way street so communication is extremely important. You two just need to be open and honest with each other. And try to learn as much as possible on the topic of asexuality Link to post Share on other sites
LovingWolf Posted March 22, 2018 Author Share Posted March 22, 2018 9 minutes ago, Curi said: Relationships are a two way street so communication is extremely important. You two just need to be open and honest with each other. And try to learn as much as possible on the topic of asexuality Not gonna lie I am in a state of denial just cause this isn't something you can "fix". I have been up since yesterday morning and all last night i was looking up asexuality articles and information I will work on communicating what this whole thing entails. For the other responses and the quoted one. its just gonna take some team work which i know but i can't go to any of my friends for help cause she doesn't want people knowing, she wants to seem "normal" in societies eyes so asking for help wasn't an option in real life. Is there something i can do or say to make it easier on the both of us in the long run? Link to post Share on other sites
uhtred Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 1 hour ago, LovingWolf said: Hello everyone. I never come on forums to ask for advice but i am out of my loop here. I am a strait sexual guy and have been dating an asexual girl for 8 months now and she just told me that's what she was today. I don't want to cross lines with her or boundaries but i just need more information on dating an asexual. i have read through the Asexual Relationships and Questions about Asexuality threads and I'm not getting what I'm looking for. Breaking up is out of the question. I have never felt this way about anyone ever in my life so I want her to be comfortable as we date. Can anyone help explain what I can do to make her happy with being with me and or anything to make her and or my life easier as well (I'm not overly concerned about me, I just want her to be comfortable). She is OK with kissing/making out hugs hand holding and cuddling and she told me if I ever make her uncomfortable shed tell me to stop and i would in a heart beat. I guess what im asking is for any information on dating an asexual being a sexual or information on how to make them feel like they aren't "ruining my life". Thanks in advance You are a sexual guy. She is asexual. I know you don't want to hear this, but I *strongly* advise you to end this. I'm speaking as someone who has been in a 30 year marriage to a nearly asexual woman. The gap in sexual interests is poison to what would otherwise be a wonderful relationship. I am frequently frustrated and resentful at losing an important part of my life. She is constantly aware that I want something she can't provide - even if I don't actually ask. It sucks. You have not been dating long - you have made no life-long commitment. Each of you should find someone who is compatible. There is no fault here, but you are not doing either of you a favor by staying in a relationship that is likely to be miserable for both of you in the long term. She *is* ruining your life, and you will likely ruin hers. Link to post Share on other sites
Claire1983 Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 Feel free to hang out here and ask specific questions as they come up! As far as the long run goes, you can't always anticipate ever scenario that's going to arise so really just establishing a level of trust will allow you two to communicate if problems arise is the best way to make thing easier. Don't be afraid to tell her if you're not satisfied with something. If you hide your feelings that might just make her worry that you're suffering in silence for her sake. If you're honest you can reach a compromise and she'll be more secure knowing that you're happy too. Link to post Share on other sites
LovingWolf Posted March 22, 2018 Author Share Posted March 22, 2018 7 minutes ago, uhtred said: You are a sexual guy. She is asexual. I know you don't want to hear this, but I *strongly* advise you to end this. I'm speaking as someone who has been in a 30 year marriage to a nearly asexual woman. The gap in sexual interests is poison to what would otherwise be a wonderful relationship. I am frequently frustrated and resentful at losing an important part of my life. She is constantly aware that I want something she can't provide - even if I don't actually ask. It sucks. You have not been dating long - you have made no life-long commitment. Each of you should find someone who is compatible. There is no fault here, but you are not doing either of you a favor by staying in a relationship that is likely to be miserable for both of you in the long term. She *is* ruining your life, and you will likely ruin hers. She is honestly the best thing that has ever happened to me the whole asexual thing (which i don't even know if she knows 100%) is just a road bump. She isn't ruining my life but I'm hoping that if i am ruining hers she would tell me. 6 minutes ago, Claire1983 said: Feel free to hang out here and ask specific questions as they come up! As far as the long run goes, you can't always anticipate ever scenario that's going to arise so really just establishing a level of trust will allow you two to communicate if problems arise is the best way to make thing easier. Don't be afraid to tell her if you're not satisfied with something. If you hide your feelings that might just make her worry that you're suffering in silence for her sake. If you're honest you can reach a compromise and she'll be more secure knowing that you're happy too. Questions and communication seems to be huge in these relationships. How would I ask these questions, like I feel really awkward asking about sexual oriented topics to begin with but now I'm worried about upsetting or offending her as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Claire1983 Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 3 minutes ago, LovingWolf said: Questions and communication seems to be huge in these relationships. How would I ask these questions, like I feel really awkward asking about sexual oriented topics to begin with but now I'm worried about upsetting or offending her as well. Honestly it's just going to be a little awkward until you get used to it. If she's as invested in this as you seem to be, then I think she'll understand that any offense is unintended and simply part of you learning about this. You can start out by asking her to explain in more detail how she feels about your physical relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
LovingWolf Posted March 22, 2018 Author Share Posted March 22, 2018 I will try that next time I see her and see how it goes. I am so glad this site exists. I honestly have no idea what I'd do if I didn't have some kind of support. I will respond back to this thread when i need help with something else. Are there videos or Articles people recommend reading/watching to help me understand this situation? Link to post Share on other sites
hopeisnotlost Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 30 minutes ago, uhtred said: You are a sexual guy. She is asexual. I know you don't want to hear this, but I *strongly* advise you to end this. I'm speaking as someone who has been in a 30 year marriage to a nearly asexual woman. The gap in sexual interests is poison to what would otherwise be a wonderful relationship. I am frequently frustrated and resentful at losing an important part of my life. She is constantly aware that I want something she can't provide - even if I don't actually ask. It sucks. You have not been dating long - you have made no life-long commitment. Each of you should find someone who is compatible. There is no fault here, but you are not doing either of you a favor by staying in a relationship that is likely to be miserable for both of you in the long term. She *is* ruining your life, and you will likely ruin hers. Are you assuming that their life will be just like yours?Everybody is different and while the gap in sexual interests may be an issue in your relationship it might not be an issue for lovingwolf here. I've heard of a sexual-asexual relationships that work out.I think that they could make it work. Lovingwolf I can't give you any advice as I've only been in one relationship and they are asexual.But I do know in relationships communication tends to be very important. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 1 hour ago, hopeisnotlost said: in relationships communication tends to be very important. So is sex, for most people. Link to post Share on other sites
LovingWolf Posted March 22, 2018 Author Share Posted March 22, 2018 If sex is something that she doesn't want then we can work with that. As i said above she said shes asexual, but through god knows how many hours of research there is a whole spectrum so she could figure out shes something else mistaking some of the common feelings for one. I will wait by her side till she knows. Link to post Share on other sites
taebae Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 2 hours ago, LovingWolf said: I will try that next time I see her and see how it goes. I am so glad this site exists. I honestly have no idea what I'd do if I didn't have some kind of support. I will respond back to this thread when i need help with something else. Are there videos or Articles people recommend reading/watching to help me understand this situation? Here is a video that I think might be helpful: https://youtu.be/FhRs4x9XWZI There are several other videos on youtube about dating asexual people that you may want to search for. And to address some of your earlier questions, I think it will be easiest on you if you make an effort to accept that she may never want to have sex with you. From my experience, sometimes sexual partners tend to stay in denial and hope that, at some point, their partner will change their mind or be willing to compromise by having sex. And when this doesn't happen it puts an incredible strain on the relationship. Also, just to reiterate what some others have said, make sure that you talk to her and tell her exactly what your needs are and vice versa. Making assumptions will only lead to misunderstandings in the future. And when you do this, even if its awkward, be as specific as possible. If she's willing to have sex, ask her how often, etc., so that way you both will know exactly what to expect and she'll feel be able to feel as comfortable as possible. Link to post Share on other sites
caffeine Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 1 hour ago, LovingWolf said: If sex is something that she doesn't want then we can work with that. As i said above she said shes asexual, but through god knows how many hours of research there is a whole spectrum so she could figure out shes something else mistaking some of the common feelings for one. I will wait by her side till she knows. Which is all well and good but I still advise you to imagine the worst case scenario (of a total mismatch) and see if you're ready for that. Yep, she might as well turn out to be demi, grey, something else but she might be 100% ace. Don't dive into this with the hope she'll fit somewhere else on the spectrum in time and you'll just wait her out - work with what you have now. And really, there's no way to avoid any awkwardness when discussing sex but if she's just admitted that to you after 8 months of dating, I think it warrants a big talk or two. Also, feel free not to answer this but how old are you two? Link to post Share on other sites
LovingWolf Posted March 22, 2018 Author Share Posted March 22, 2018 15 minutes ago, caffeine said: Which is all well and good but I still advise you to imagine the worst case scenario (of a total mismatch) and see if you're ready for that. Yep, she might as well turn out to be demi, grey, something else but she might be 100% ace. Don't dive into this with the hope she'll fit somewhere else on the spectrum in time and you'll just wait her out - work with what you have now. And really, there's no way to avoid any awkwardness when discussing sex but if she's just admitted that to you after 8 months of dating, I think it warrants a big talk or two. Also, feel free not to answer this but how old are you two? i need anything i can get right now. i can't eat or sleep I'm so worked up about this at the moment. Also I am mid-twenties. Link to post Share on other sites
gisiebob Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 what are you worked up about? there isn't like some sort of dance you half to do towards ace folk or they start wilting or anything. is just a human. Link to post Share on other sites
Claire1983 Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 24 minutes ago, LovingWolf said: i need anything i can get right now. i can't eat or sleep I'm so worked up about this at the moment. Also I am mid-twenties. You need a nap and a good meal. I know it's kind of overwhelming, but don't try to rush through it. It's normal to want to figure things out quickly, the uncertainty is very unsettling, but you need to give yourself time to process things and approach this with a level head. Link to post Share on other sites
uhtred Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 4 hours ago, hopeisnotlost said: Are you assuming that their life will be just like yours?Everybody is different and while the gap in sexual interests may be an issue in your relationship it might not be an issue for lovingwolf here. I've heard of a sexual-asexual relationships that work out.I think that they could make it work. Lovingwolf I can't give you any advice as I've only been in one relationship and they are asexual.But I do know in relationships communication tends to be very important. You are right that people all vary. I've just seen a lot of unhappiness in this situation from many posts in other relationship groups. Link to post Share on other sites
anamikanon Posted March 23, 2018 Share Posted March 23, 2018 If you have a healthy libido and enjoy sex, know that this can get VERY VERY HARD. And I'm actually talking as the partner of an ace who doesn't mind sex. Not even someone who refuses. A lot of what we take for granted about sex is out of the window in such a relationship. Even when the partner cooperates on sex, it isn't the same thing. It is more something they do for you than a mutual enjoyment, which is the magic of sex for most of us. Also another area of concern I see is that she does not seem to have come to terms with being asexual herself. From feeling like she is ruining your life to not wanting people to know she is ace and so on - at the cost of having to give up advice from people who care. It isn't like you'd yell in the market that she was ace, but you are talking about speaking with people for advice. If that too is not possible, you are going to end up in a prison of pretense, where you can't be yourself in the home and you can't talk about it to anyone either. The need to "appear normal" has nothing to do with being ace. Asexuals are normal people only. You didn't think she isn't "normal" till she told you. But I would seriously advise thinking this through carefully. If she has concernes about "ruining your life", while we are conditioned to be reassuring and dismiss any potential hurt to us, remember that she knows herself and you are just discovering. When you say that she wouldn't be ruining your life, you are talking out of love and a need to reassure her and not actual knowledge or a well evaluated assessment. This is not to say your life would be ruined, or hers, but this is a good time to take concerns seriously. Instead of not wanting her to feel concerned about the impact of her sexuality on you, you may want to discuss your needs in the relationship and see if the two of you can find middle ground to arrive at a more realistic assessment. I may be someone with a high sexual drive overall. For me, having sex every night unless not in the mood has never sounded excessive or abnormal. In the sense, not having sex every night would need exceptions, my norm would be to reach for my partner at night. So, I may be placing excessive importance on the sexual side, and your libido may vary. Regardless, it would be a good idea of what your comfort zone is and see where it falls with regard to hers. If you have no meeting ground that both can live with, you're signing up for misery for both of you. Would I get into a relationship with my ace? He is my life, the center of my world. I'll do anything to keep him happy. Not just keep him. And this is 4 years down the line, not even in the new emotions of the relationship. But knowing all this, if the choice were to get into a relationship now, would I do it? No. Not a proper "couple" relationship, though I'd happily enter a very serious platonic relationship with him, including him living in my home. But I would not present to the world as a couple or imply a sexual relationship on any level. And I WOULD seek sexual relationships that satisfy me, even if they were secondary to this relationship I had with the person sharing my home. Link to post Share on other sites
anamikanon Posted March 23, 2018 Share Posted March 23, 2018 I'd encourage you to think of it like this. If you end up sacrificing to the point of distress, if she loves you, it will distress her too. If she tries to compromise to make you feel happier, it will distress her, and thus you too. It is a very terrible place to be in to imagine that your need for intimacy or space free of demands for it hurts your partner on a level that they feel that they are not loved or are not good enough. Talk a lot. Keep expectations realistic. Don't promise sacrifices that will bite you down the line. In the sense, if you can imagine going through life without sex and no problem (you yourself may be ace!!!) then obviously there is no problem, but if you can't think of never having sex with someone you love, a lot of discussion will be in order and a good time to start is ASAP. Link to post Share on other sites
hopeisnotlost Posted March 23, 2018 Share Posted March 23, 2018 16 hours ago, uhtred said: You are right that people all vary. I've just seen a lot of unhappiness in this situation from many posts in other relationship groups. So have I.An asexual and a sexual in a relationship can cause a lot of unhappiness and such a relationship is not for everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Mary Lambert Posted April 4, 2018 Share Posted April 4, 2018 On 3/22/2018 at 9:37 AM, LovingWolf said: Not gonna lie I am in a state of denial just cause this isn't something you can "fix". I have been up since yesterday morning and all last night i was looking up asexuality articles and information I will work on communicating what this whole thing entails. Hey, Wolf Are you a teen? If so, this is a great relationship for you. Sounds safe Link to post Share on other sites
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