My boyfriend thinks I don’t love him.

[Jayfeather22]

My boyfriend and I of five years have almost never had major problems, we don’t really fight in much, we have a lot in common and we’ve been through a lot with each other. We haven’t had sex yet, and I know he wants to, but I don’t know how to explain to him that I don’t want that to be a part of my relationships without making it sound like a cheap excuse to avoid having sex with him. He already has low self esteem and I don’t want to make it worse by rejecting him almost every night. I know that I love him and I want to show him that in a way he’ll understand but I still don’t feel comfortable going all the way, even after five years a with him. I have never really felt sexual attraction, and almost every encounter had been initiated by someone leselbut I also grew up in a fairly close minded house where all the labels and new identities were considered extraneous and and little ridiculous. 

 

So what I guess I’m asking for, is advice on how to tell my boyfriend that I don’t want sex to be a part of any of my relationships, and that it’s not because I think he’s ugly? I know he gets frustrated a lot and I want to help but I don’t know what to do to. 

[banoffeepie]

Hey hi and welcome 

That's a really, really important conversation that could devastate his visualisation of your future together.

 

There aren't very many sexuals who will accept 'no sex ever'... their idea of loving includes sex. It's a terrible shame, but, I guess your question is how to tell him.

 

I think first you have to make sure he believes asexuality is real and credible. So get him to the site and let him read about it and people's experiences. (there's a friends and partners section) 

He will wonder why he's reading about this and it should occur to him. That way it's going to be easier for you to say 'I really feel I associate with this.'

He'll be very insecure and confused.. even denying. That's when you have to reassure him loads.

 

There are compromises that can work .. not that often though.

 

It would have been ideal to have let him know at the beginning, but of course you didn't know...   I hope it goes well.

[Gatsogee]

I would also recommend to tell as soon as possible but it's kinda too late for you I guess?

 

I had this same thing with my previous relationship and although we were together only 4 months, it became a problem that I didn't want him "that way" and when I finally told him why I'm like this he didn't take it so well but was interested in asexuality and looked into it more. But he just couldn't accept it or believe it.. 

 

I would say to take enough time to tell about your sexuality and explain it first with your own words and what you are feeling since we aren't the same although we are ace. Then it would be good to show him these pages (like that friend's and partner's section mentioned^) so he'll believe everything you say. I think the most important thing is to tell him that it's not his fault and your feelings haven't changed and then you can discuss future more openly!! 

 

It can be super hard to talk about these things but it's better for both of you to talk it out and it'll get easier I promise! :*

[Jayfeather22]

4 hours ago, banoffeepie said:

 

I think first you have to make sure he believes asexuality is real and credible. So get him to the site and let him read about it and people's experiences. (there's a friends and partners section) 

 

I think this is the most helpful advice I’ve ever been given about what to do in my situation. Then again it’s some of the only advice since I haven’t really reached out before lol. I think it might also be the hardest since he’s a little like me in his perception of identity and sexuality. He feels like since I have no experience that I can’t have an opinion on whether or not I would want it and I don’t know how much of that he actually believes and how much is excuse to get me to have sex with him. Either way, I understand where he’s coming from, but since I started learning about asexuality I started to realize that he’s probably wrong. *sigh* this is tough

[Jayfeather22]

2 hours ago, Gatsogee said:

I would also recommend to tell as soon as possible but it's kinda too late for you I guess?

 

It can be super hard to talk about these things but it's better for both of you to talk it out and it'll get easier I promise! :*

Since we started dating so young (14 and 15) and we’re still together now, I feel like even though it’s been five years, it hasn’t really been through the life struggles of more mature relationships. 

 

I forgot to mention, but I’ve had the conversation with him before where I told him I don’t think I want sex to be a part of our relationship but I still wanted to make it work, and he basically pulled the argument that since I have no experience, “how would you know if you don’t like sex?” to which I had no response. I was also not doing super well in college at that moment and having some self-care problems so he said that maybe I’m just depressed and making major decisions without thinking and that I should wait until I’m in a more stable mindset to consider what I want. But what he didn’t understand was that it’s something I had wanted for a while and I still want today. (We talked about it a few moths ago).

 

I know I need to talk to him more seriously about it again, but I worry that it could be a deal breaker and I’m almost positive it is. I know he loves me, since he hasn’t left yet, but I hate to feel like I’m leading him on. ugh this is hard.

[Conspiracy_Web]

Honestly? I'd show him this website and explain how asexuality is real and credible. If he still doesn't believe you then I suggest asking how he thinks straight people know they're straight if they've never had sex with someone of the same gender. You don't need to have sex with someone to know you don't want it.

 

I know it's hard but I'd look him straight in the eyes and tell him that you don't want to have sex, ever. And that you'll give him some time to decide if he can live with that. Let him make a choice between you and sex. That way it's him making the choice of what he's comfortable with. You know your needs he needs time to explore his. And they may change over time, he may say he's okay with it and later decide that he isn't. But that means he'd technicality be leading you on,  not the other way around.

 

I know it's hard and could likely mean breaking up, but better to breakup now then get stuck in a relationship that'll make one of you unhappy.

[Hermit Advocate]

On 3/22/2018 at 8:20 AM, Jayfeather22 said:

I forgot to mention, but I’ve had the conversation with him before where I told him I don’t think I want sex to be a part of our relationship but I still wanted to make it work, and he basically pulled the argument that since I have no experience, “how would you know if you don’t like sex?” to which I had no response.

My favorite response to this argument is "do you want to hug a cactus?" and when they answer in the negative I say "well how do you know, you've never tried it." But that might come off as a bit too antagonistic in your situation.

On 3/22/2018 at 8:20 AM, Jayfeather22 said:

I know I need to talk to him more seriously about it again, but I worry that it could be a deal breaker and I’m almost positive it is. I know he loves me, since he hasn’t left yet, but I hate to feel like I’m leading him on. ugh this is hard.

You have explained to him that you don't want sex. You are in no way leading him on. I agree that you need to have a serious discussion with him, but do not let him dictate your feelings for you. 

[Nylocke]

You gotta be honest with him about that. Its surprising that you've been able to put it off for 5 years but if you don't be honest about it then things will get worse.