Jump to content

I don’t seem to be able to make friends


OhDearyMe!

Recommended Posts

Hello everyone! 

 

I’m an awkward introvert teenager and I’ve realised that I have a lot of trouble making friends and keeping them.

 

When I have the chance to make some friends I try my best. For example there was this huge group of new kids at my school and I was always helping them with the rooms, school organisation, homework and anything I could help with. They all made really close friends with each other. They’re still friends with me but just not really close at all. 

I’ve also realised that when other people talk to each other they seem to talk and laugh effortlessly. Whereas people seem to be self-conscious when talking to me, and so am I. 

 

On another side there are the friends I’ve built up so far. We’re a group and out of everyone I’m the least liked. And I don’t blame them. I’m the kind of person that needs to be alone sometimes. And they often make these social events that I don’t have the time to join in. I have other stuff to do. So I don’t come, but then I regret it because I realise that they all have these inside jokes and that they don’t really know me. I sometimes feel like they have more fun without me because if I’m around at a sleepover nothing happens and no one talks about it after. And if they do it has nothing to do with me. 

 

 

I wonder if this is all linked to how I have different interests? 

 

- Don’t like boys/girls 

- Don’t like their kind of music (I’m much more of a vintage person) 

- Don’t know any modern pop culture 

- Don’t watch series that much 

 

Should I try to interest myself in these things in order to not be forever alone? Because I am feeling very lonely at the moment. Even my best friend doesn’t laugh with me anymore. I know that in the day I’m not the person she looks forward to see. She’s clearly bored of me. 

 

Sorry for the long message XD 

Please help me, I’m feeling so alone and I don’t know how I can get some friends and keep them on the long run. Thanks to all! 

Have some cake! :cake:

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
Pamalla-Shay

find people that have things in common with you.. I don't have many friends and struggled to make friends. (because I am weird). I don't care what people think anymore the right people will like me as I am.. same goes for you.. go out and talk to people (i am introverted and have social anxiety so I know how hard that can be) 

Link to post
Share on other sites

People like me because of how unique I am, I don’t understand these things, but people like that about me because it brings them a unique perspective, although I don’t have the same interests, we still enjoy each other by having conversations about literally anything.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I totally understand the feeling...felt like that all through high school. Got to college this fall, and maybe because in college you tend to be grouped with people who share more of your interests, but all of a sudden I found people who I really want to be friends with. I think that is a pretty common experience, too. Sadly there isn't much you can do to make friends beyond what you are already doing. It's up to them to see that you are there and deserving of their friendship!

 

Don't change yourself to make friends. Trust me, don't go down that road--it doesn't get you friends and it is seriously draining. Maybe seek out a club that focuses on something you are interested in? 

Link to post
Share on other sites
5 minutes ago, Pamalla-Shay said:

find people that have things in common with you.. I don't have many friends and struggled to make friends. (because I am weird). I don't care what people think anymore the right people will like me as I am.. same goes for you.. go out and talk to people (i am introverted and have social anxiety so I know how hard that can be) 

Yeah.. I mean I also have a bit of a stammer. I used to have it way worse, it’s getting better although I still have random moments when I stammer. Mostly comes when I talk to new people. I feel like that scares them away. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
3 minutes ago, Zenzencat104 said:

People like me because of how unique I am, I don’t understand these things, but people like that about me because it brings them a unique perspective, although I don’t have the same interests, we still enjoy each other by having conversations about literally anything.

Well you’re lucky to have these people in your life because personally I just feel like I’m a flaw in the group. I don’t have anything to bring in, nothing that interests them. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
Just now, Mayayaya said:

Yeah.. I mean I also have a bit of a stammer. I used to have it way worse, it’s gdttibg better although I still have random moments when I stammer. Mostly comes when I talk to new people. I feel like that scares them away. 

My problem is that I talk “too much” when I have a conversation, so for some people that scares them away, yet in order to provide sufficient details and information, along with a full conversation, I need to say a lot.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Pamalla-Shay
2 minutes ago, Mayayaya said:

Yeah.. I mean I also have a bit of a stammer. I used to have it way worse, it’s getting better although I still have random moments when I stammer. Mostly comes when I talk to new people. I feel like that scares them away. 

even if you just pretend to have confidence, that stuff wont bother you as much

Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, Mayayaya said:

Well you’re lucky to have these people in your life because personally I just feel like I’m a flaw in the group. I don’t have anything to bring in, nothing that interests them. 

Sometimes I have this problem too, either I have too much to say or too little, sometimes just doing something with the other person gives you something to talk about.

Link to post
Share on other sites
4 minutes ago, girlwonder said:

I totally understand the feeling...felt like that all through high school. Got to college this fall, and maybe because in college you tend to be grouped with people who share more of your interests, but all of a sudden I found people who I really want to be friends with. I think that is a pretty common experience, too. Sadly there isn't much you can do to make friends beyond what you are already doing. It's up to them to see that you are there and deserving of their friendship!

 

Don't change yourself to make friends. Trust me, don't go down that road--it doesn't get you friends and it is seriously draining. Maybe seek out a club that focuses on something you are interested in? 

Yeah I’m very hopeful about my future college years, I’ve heard many times that things get better. 

 

And well I was (and am) in a rock band but my friends just joined it and I feel like that limits me in a way. They always laugh with each other and I end up being left out. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
4 minutes ago, Zenzencat104 said:

Sometimes I have this problem too, either I have too much to say or too little, sometimes just doing something with the other person gives you something to talk about.

True. I often see people (yes I observe other people’s interactions XD Seems way easier when they do it) bring up games to play or whatever in order to communicate. But I don’t know how to do that. I’ve tried and it’s often followed by a sarcastic answer. 

 

I always feel like I’m the “Mom” figure. I always get the sarcastic responses . I’m fine with sarcasm but when the only communication I get is me trying the be sociable and people being sarcastic, it gets me down. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
9 minutes ago, Pamalla-Shay said:

even if you just pretend to have confidence, that stuff wont bother you as much

“Confidence” has always been an awkward concept for me. I don’t know how to be or pretend to be confident

Link to post
Share on other sites

I went through the same sort of thing for a long time. It sometimes takes a while for particularly introverted teenagers to find their people, but if you continue with your own interests, you will eventually find them. Look for online groups or local clubs that cater to your interests, and start talking to people there. It took me twenty years to find a friend I connected with enough to call my best friend, so you're not alone. There is time.

Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, Sergeant_Turtle said:

I went through the same sort of thing for a long time. It sometimes takes a while for particularly introverted teenagers to find their people, but if you continue with your own interests, you will eventually find them. Look for online groups or local clubs that cater to your interests, and start talking to people there. It took me twenty years to find a friend I connected with enough to call my best friend, so you're not alone. There is time.

But what do you do during the time that you haven’t found that person? When you’re feeling lonely and kind of depressed what happens then? 

Link to post
Share on other sites
2 minutes ago, Mayayaya said:

But what do you do during the time that you haven’t found that person? When you’re feeling lonely and kind of depressed what happens then? 

Well, this is where forums like this come in. Though online friends might not be as close as ones in real life, they're still there to talk to. I found several online friends during my late teens, which was when the worst of my loneliness occurred, and they were incredibly sympathetic and helpful, just talking to me about whatever I needed to distract myself or make myself laugh. I'm still very close with some of them today, and there's a few I'm really hoping to meet in person at some point. ^_^

Link to post
Share on other sites
3 minutes ago, Sergeant_Turtle said:

Well, this is where forums like this come in. Though online friends might not be as close as ones in real life, they're still there to talk to. I found several online friends during my late teens, which was when the worst of my loneliness occurred, and they were incredibly sympathetic and helpful, just talking to me about whatever I needed to distract myself or make myself laugh. I'm still very close with some of them today, and there's a few I'm really hoping to meet in person at some point. ^_^

Aww my god that’s really sweet

Link to post
Share on other sites

Older people might not think so, but online friends are real friends too, and as an introvert they're much easier to make. :D

Link to post
Share on other sites
Platonic Underdog

I was actually the same way in school, so I get how scary and lonely it can be. I went through the same thing with my group of friends in high school. 

 

First of all, please don't force yourself to do anything you don't want to do. Are you interested in these topics at all? If not, you shouldn't have to force yourself into these interests and pretend to be someone you're not. You are awesome, just the way you are. Sometimes, other people just can't see that until they've grown up a little. Things get easier after high school, as someone who went through the same thing, I can tell you that. People grow up and realise that our differences, quirks and interests are something to be valued, not mocked. Keep being yourself. People will come along who will love you for you and you won't have to change for them😊 join groups and clubs that align with your interests.

 

Do you have anyone to talk to about this? A sibling, your parents or even a counsellor? During my experience with this, I found that talking to people helped. Additionally, you can come on forums like Aven and chat to people. Use the tea and sympathy section to vent and talk about what you're feeling. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey! Idk how much of what you're feeling is true and how much is you being too hard on yourself. I hope things get better and think that eventually they will. For now, though, just know you're the most awesome person I've met thriugh AVEN or really at all recently! You're so kind and fun and caring and interesting and your taste in music is the best so don't change it!!!! I'm so glad I met you! 

Link to post
Share on other sites

I know exactly how you're feeling. No matter what you do to try to conform, you'll still be different. It's best to embrace who you are because that is the only way you'll make really close friends, but I know how difficult it is and it could take you a while to find them.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I was very shy early in life - and had difficulty making friends. My college roommate was amazingly outgoing and I watched him.  At first it seemed astonishing / terrifying that he would just strike up conversations with random people standing in line, on buses etc.  Eventually I realized that very few people react badly to someone politely initiating contact.  Of course you never want to  push if someone in any way indicates that they don't want to talk, but many people are very happy to talk to strangers once the ice is broken.  Once I got used to it, I found it works very well.

 

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
Quality_Penguins

I get where you're coming from too, loneliness is the worst. I know this isn't exactly what everyone else is saying, but I think you should try to step out of your comfort zone a little. I don't mean you should change who you are at all, but try to broaden your horizons a little. Maybe try to watch a TV show that your friends like. If you don't like it you can stop, but if you do that will give you something to talk about. Another thought is to try to go to whatever social things your friends are planning. It might be scary, but you could end up having a really good time and making fun memories. If you don't like it then at least you ruled it out so you're not left wondering what it would be like. 

 

You're still a unique person, and sometimes friends just aren't a good fit. I know it's tough to find your people, especially since they're most likely other introverts. And you should definitely still pursue things that interest you, because that's a great way to find the people you have more things in common with. In the meantime, all of us will be here for you, so remember you're not really alone.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I might have grown up in a far different environment than the one you did. Back in the age of the dinosaurs (the 1960's in the suburban Midwest) one was either a part of the system or a "dropout". I suppose I was the only dropout in the neighborhood. All the kids around me were boorish little bastards but it was really their status symbol seeking parents who were to blame. "Nice guys finish last". I was a nice guy, not a bastard. "He who dies with the most toys wins." Wins what? The biggest tombstone in the cemetery? So I grew up surrounded by packs of little predators who all went on to become supervisors and assistant managers.  Now half a dozen decades later I may as well be 100 feet long and weigh 80 tons, so predators aren't quite the nuisance they used to be. Even when they were I grew thick skinned enough to just ignore them. I've never considered myself antisocial. I was simply surrounded by people who weren't worth being friends with. Fake friends aren't friends at all. I spent more than half my life completely alone and the friends I had were rather casual affairs. I guess I'm getting old and lonely and wish I could find a herd to be part of.  My advice is to try and not be so critical of yourself. If you tell yourself you don't make a good friend you risk believing it. Anybody can be a good friend if they have the capacity to put other's needs ahead of their own if necessary. Fake friends don't do this. Count your blessings. At least you have people to be around. I never did, but if I keep looking I hope to find a herd eventually. This old dinosaur hopes you find the peace and security you seek, too.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I have social anxiety, so I was lucky that people would just gravitate towards me for some reason. I guess I’m smart, honest, and straightforward so that’s what appealed to people. Unfortunately, I’m not very good at actively befriending people. All my friends are mainly people who started hanging out with me. And, I’ve lost a bunch of friends just due to the passage of time (and potentially due to my likely aro-ness but I’ll never know for sure). There’s unfortunately no surefire way to make friends, and friends may come and go. The best advice I can give is find people with similar interests. Talk about what you like, and people will find you. I was (and still am) a big nerd with an inclination towards being cynical, and people still talk(ed) to me, so don’t give up 🙂.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Quote

I’ve also realised that when other people talk to each other they seem to talk and laugh effortlessly. Whereas people seem to be self-conscious when talking to me, and so am I.

For a lot of people, that comes naturally. For others like me and you, its a skill that needs to be learned. I relate to a lot of what you posted. Growing up, I noticed how, even when I was actively trying to make friends, my efforts were usually in vain because these people never truly felt comfortable enough with me to consider me a friend. Or, and this happened alot, I became friends with a group, only for a couple of months later, I ended up losing my spot as a friend in the group. They consider me an acquaintance now more than anything.

 

For many of us, our attempts at being friendly can come out, to others, as forced and fake, so that awkward energy hangs in the air. People can tell when your doing something out of your comfort zone, and it is hard to develop comfort with someone like that versus people who are at ease with simple conversation. Getting to know new people, for me, was scary, but I wanted to make friends so I forced myself out of my comfort zone to befriend people, and that air that I created as a result of that was off putting for people. My niceness was not received because it didn't appear genuine. It wasnt until I got a job as a cashier and was regularly meeting hundreds of people every week and making small conversation with them, that my ability with people greatly improved. Talking to strangers wasn't scary to me anymore, and my interactions with them started to read as natural rather than forced. It is actually more difficult for me to talk with people I haven't seen in a long time, than strangers. You need to actively participate in stranger interaction, whether that is being a cashier or volunteer somewhere where you have to interact with a lot of people, to get better at this.

 

Part of the reason why you become unfriends with people is because you never really had much in common with them in the first place. What interest us aren't shared by the majority and for that reason most of the people you will meet, you probably wont click with. The groups I tend to fall out of favor with, usually talked about gossip and who dating who 90% of the time, and since I wasn't interested in either, I could never contribute to their conversations. As much as I wanted to be friends with different kinds of people, I know now that I can't be good friends with most people, only acquaintances. For that reason, I keep in eye out for those who I do and actively pursue them, and I achieved a close knit group of friends I wouldn't trade for anything in the world. Being popular matters little to me. The friends I made I know I have their back as much as they have my back. We truly care about one another. Keep an eye out for those people and be active in trying to be good friends with them.

Link to post
Share on other sites
17 hours ago, SpACEd Out said:

Hey! Idk how much of what you're feeling is true and how much is you being too hard on yourself. I hope things get better and think that eventually they will. For now, though, just know you're the most awesome person I've met thriugh AVEN or really at all recently! You're so kind and fun and caring and interesting and your taste in music is the best so don't change it!!!! I'm so glad I met you! 

Awwww my goddddd you so sweeeeetttt ♥️♥️♥️  And you are so on point about me maybe being too hard on myself.. I do tend to do that but then I’m never sure if what I’m thinking is true or me being hard on myself. 

 

I am so glad I met you too xxxxxx  Thank you for being a human being I know the existence of XD xx

Link to post
Share on other sites
17 hours ago, Yeast said:

the 1960's

Oh my god I love the 1960s! It’s my favourite decade of all time. The hair/ style/music... love it. 

 

17 hours ago, Yeast said:

My advice is to try and not be so critical of yourself. If you tell yourself you don't make a good friend you risk believing it. Anybody can be a good friend if they have the capacity to put other's needs ahead of their own if necessary. Fake friends don't do this. Count your blessings. At least you have people to be around. I never did, but if I keep looking I hope to find a herd eventually. This old dinosaur hopes you find the peace and security you seek, too.

Thank you for everything you said, honestly 

Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Kai99 said:

For many of us, our attempts at being friendly can come out, to others, as forced and fake, so that awkward energy hangs in the air. People can tell when your doing something out of your comfort zone, and it is hard to develop comfort with someone like that versus people who are at ease with simple conversation.

Omg that makes so much sense 

 

1 hour ago, Kai99 said:

You need to actively participate in stranger interaction, whether that is being a cashier or volunteer somewhere where you have to interact with a lot of people, to get better at this.

I’m actually okay with talking to strangers that I know I’ll never meet again. It’s when I have to talk to classmates with whom I know I’ll be spending my entire high school years with that it gets harder. 

But yeah, I guess practice makes perfect 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Okay I just wanted to say a quick thank you to everyone cuz you all soooo sweet and adorable. I mean, the fact that you all bothered going on my thread and write something means a lot to me xxxx 

Thank you @Pamalla-Shay @Kai99 @Laplace @Yeast @Platonic Underdog @SpACEd Out @Quality_Penguins @uhtred @Wish Bear 🌠 @Sergeant_Turtle @Zenzencat104 (Really hope I didn’t forget anyone.. ya’ll so many XD) 

Link to post
Share on other sites
Neutral nerd

I myself am kind of awkward, but I find that I can use that as an advantage sometimes. I'm a little sad how society is stratified into genders, but there are a bunch of people there who don't confirm to the norm. I have a bunch of people as acquaintances, and I may never be total bffs for life, but when I manage stop worrying people are actually really ok with my specialness :D When i do feel alone and crappy, online friends can be helpful because i choose them based on commonalities and my social incompetence doesn't matter quite so much. 

 

...Although I do tend to ramble some. Hope I'm not butting in! <_<

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...