I’m tired of talk and no action. Asexuality should be a complete devoted lifestyle

[Homer]

Sexual orientations aren't some kind of "lifestyle". The sexual and/or romantic orientations of people aren't as significant in how people spend their lives as people on here tend to think. Those are just average people - they eat, they sleep, they go to work, they watch TV, they get stuck in traffic jams, they take dumps, they run errands.

 

I'm still not convinced about how a "devoted asexual lifestyle" is different than a, say, hetero- or homosexual one. What kind of "action" is it that you're looking for?

[Guest Jetsun Milarepa]

Yes @Zatarra, there seem to be a little element of posts that are very aggressive. I've had nasty PMs recently, and I'm thinking of leaving too. It must be awful for newbies, who are just carving out life as an Ace!

The thing is.....people's experiences are valid. If you think it, then it's your truth. I thought AVEN was here as a safe space for Aces to thrive and personally, I accept all ace viewpoints as valid. It seems to be newbies who are being affected  and at least one has gone for good with nothing positive to say about AVEN. 

 

Makes me sad, as I didn't have a place to call my own and coming here used to be a breath of fresh air. Having branched out into a few more threads/forums, I find , otherwise.

@Georgetown keep on keeping on! I'd love to know more about your vision! It goes without saying that you are perfectly entitled to your opinion and not to be attacked. More like , people could learn more by listening to the vast array of Ace ideas.

[Zatarra]

@chandrakirti Yes I am also aware of another member that  left as well; similar complaints. Seeing how things are here I am sending out a few PMs with my contact and I have decided that I will be leaving AVEN for good. It is rather interesting how people's experiences or ideas to improve the quality of lives for aces are shot down and met with apathy.

Again I do NOT begrudge those asexuals that are fortunate enough to where their asexuality is not a big deal and they feel that they can go about their daily life and their orientation have no negative effect. 

What I and the OP were trying to say is that is not the case for others. And if something more dedicated can be done to improve matters why not look into ideas? 

not so, that whole concept was shouted down with a healthy serving of criticism, apathy and borderline hostility

 

If there is such apathy for those aces that do suffer (discrimination/abuse/isolation/fear/ridicule at home-work-etc/erasure/malpractice in psychology-therapist settings) as a consequence of their environment/life situation/setting then I can no longer continue to be part of a group that is blind to this suffering. 

 

Interestingly enough you dont see this type of apathy and indifference from the LGBT community. If there is something wrong they face it head on and come up with solutions - look at the strides they have made today. That is what I admire about them a strong sense of community and their grit

 

[Sage Raven Domino]

On 21.03.2018 at 6:36 AM, Zatarra said:

So will I...although its starting to dawn on me that I will have to do so without relying on any asexual "community"

I suppose the local Tibetan Buddhist sangha or LGBT groups will have to do.

The pursuit of the Buddhist enlightenment actually sounds like a good remedy  You'll have a good chance of finding a soulmate who's conditioned themself not to crave sex and romance all that much.

[.diva plavalaguna.]

I am a bit perplexed by the wording, but I think I understand and feel the sentiment.

 

I am only getting more isolated as I get older. Can't hold a job, so I have no money to go out and do things in the "real world." If not for the internet, I'd only have my family to talk to and while I love them, I don't want to hang out with them 24/7. I always see aces talking about their friends and stuff, or the stories that are supposed to inspire me to be hopeful (of the "I found my ace life partner" variety), but it kind of has the opposite effect on me. I want something more than platonic, and I also want to have actual friends that I could have a coffee with.

 

I've always been really pessimistic, so it's difficult to shake that, but the action I'm taking is trying to be more social. It's damn hard. I didn't even realized I'd kind of cut myself off from the few social connections I had for months. I've only just come back. I don't really know what I'm doing (still have demons telling me to just shut up and leave people alone, nobody wants to talk to me really, etc, etc). And I don't know if that will somehow benefit other aces.

[Zatarra]

7 hours ago, EMPrise said:

The pursuit of the Buddhist enlightenment actually sounds like a good remedy  You'll have a good chance of finding a soulmate who's conditioned themself not crave sex and romance all that much.

Seeing how things are here on AVEN it may be the only remedy.

However the thing is I am not looking for a soulmate- I am not really soulmate material. I guess being aro-ace/non-libidoist I am looking for a community of friends that goes beyond online venues. One that you can count on in the real world. A group that understands you and doesnt go around make you feel like you are broken or a 'special project' that needs to be 'setup/fixed' or worse start to make you feel unwanted as some 3rd wheel when they pair up. And the latter years down the road where the isolation and depression can really set it for those that dont have support networks add in curveballs like illness/disability (how many here have bad family genetics of diabetes/stroke/heart disease?) and you are in for a rough 'golden years' ride.

 

this is where community can make a huge difference. And this is not even theoretical or dissecting a online journal about asexuality - I have seen this first hand in my line of work at the hospital. Just read the persons post above me @.diva plavalaguna.

there is a real need for a sense of 'community' of platonic friends (this may be more pronounced among aro-aces). 

her post resonates with what I am trying to say - as bad as her being 'cut off /isolated" is right now...image that at 65 or 70 and add in other health complications + no support system. Its a sobering eyeopener my first few weeks in acute care... 

However time and again these matters get overlooked on AVEN or shot down when someone like OP brings them up.

[Zatarra]

5 hours ago, .diva plavalaguna. said:

I am only getting more isolated as I get older. Can't hold a job, so I have no money to go out and do things in the "real world."

this is exactly what I am trying to get others to see around here.

no they think that just because they dont exp any obstacles being ace in society it must be the default experience of the whole.

 

I wish I knew what to say...I dont

and apparently the only thing you will see here on AVEN is 'frustrated rants and complaints'

the moment you try and address real concerns like your comment and OP's comment you get your ideas shot down.

[.diva plavalaguna.]

On 11/15/2017 at 6:27 AM, Jade Cross said:

Actually, with some of the styles of life today, talking has become a rarity of sorts. Many resolve to merely texting now. Not sure how overall happy they are but relationships in general seem finicky without taking sex into account.

 

Im not sure if relationships are happy instances or what constitues happiness in a relationship itself but if it were me, anyone talking more than a minute or so would annoy me.

 

 

 

I meant to quote this yesterday and completely forgot  I'll share my experience. Me and my ex got together because he started messaging me on facebook. I never intended it to happen, but it sort of just did. (ugh) And when I look back, I feel that that's what our relationship mostly was. I'm not immediately the most talkative person when you meet me in person, so I understand the comfort text can bring, and value it. But it was too much. For me, I got really clingy on the conversation via text because that was the only way we had to socialize (I hate being attached to the phone for calls, and neither of us had reliable transportation). Let me just say that it sucked ass. Majorly. We had maybe 4 or 5 dates, if that even, in the 9 months we talked. Can you really call that dating? When we got together we had almost no "chemistry." Not a whole lot to talk about, and I think he was even shyer than me (whoa). It was always awkward, and he often complained about the date after it was over. So for me, if our relationship mostly exists via text (and I am speaking only about people who are in my vicinity/with whom I may be romantically involved), then it's not really a relationship. I have set my standards higher, so all that texting isn't good enough. I don't want to just pass time with someone, I want quality interaction and I felt that a lot of what we had was probably fueled/perpetuated by a fear of being alone. There is no making up for a lack of compatibility.

 

@Zatarra - yes it does feel that way at times. If you trawl through my post history, you'll find plenty of my long-winded vents. In all the time I've been here nothing has changed. I won't exactly blame anyone here, because honestly I don't know what they can do for me if they are not in my city. There's been plenty of suggestions from all sides, like getting a job or reaching out to people more. I keep doing those things and mostly getting the same results. Very fast burnouts and breakdowns at work, and whatever I'm doing when I interact with people IRL is not good enough because I either push them away or they just become more acquaintances. I keep contact with a few people online, which is nice, but definitely not easy to manage, especially if I get into an anti-social state. I still remember the first person I connected with here, how I thought I formed this nice bond with them. And when we met for real they up and disappeared. That's been my life. People just leave. I don't know how I'm supposed to counteract that. 

[Lord Jade Cross]

1 hour ago, .diva plavalaguna. said:

 I felt that a lot of what we had was probably fueled/perpetuated by a fear of being alone.

Never understood this fear/mentality.

 

[Mermaidy]

I feel like others have already said this in a different way, but asexuals can also have platonic relationships with heterosexuals, homosexuals, etc.  Not every asexual wants to have relationships (as the general term) with specifically other asexuals only (if I'm understanding the poly asexual community thing that was mentioned)

[.diva plavalaguna.]

3 hours ago, Jade Cross said:

Never understood this fear/mentality.

 

Be glad if you don't have to deal with it. I got the feeling he had only really started talking to me because he was lonely. Some conversations we had seemed to hint at that. I get it a little bit, as sometimes it's nice to have someone when there would otherwise be no one. I'd personally rather be alone than converse with people just for the sake of conversing. 

[Lord Jade Cross]

11 hours ago, .diva plavalaguna. said:

Be glad if you don't have to deal with it. I got the feeling he had only really started talking to me because he was lonely. Some conversations we had seemed to hint at that. I get it a little bit, as sometimes it's nice to have someone when there would otherwise be no one. I'd personally rather be alone than converse with people just for the sake of conversing. 

I dont think anyone has to deal with it, if they dont want to. Since loneliness is something generated by wanting company, knowing that you dont need anyone else eliminates the need, stopping you from being lonely

 

[WoodwindWhistler]

On 3/20/2018 at 10:21 PM, Georgetown said:

I’m so tired of living a life utterly deprived of the warm platonic affection that haunts my dreams.

 

I’m so tired of theoretical discussions about the nuance and diversity within asexuality, while in practice most asexuals have few options in a allosexual world to find relationships that matter, that sweet spot that is utterly platonic but greater than traditional friendship, whether romantic or not.

 

There is so much talk, but action is rare, existing only in bits here and there. From now on, I’m going to think of asexuality not in terms of just an idea or identity but a true lifestyle.

Look up "Cuddle Party" and request a host for your town or get the training to be a facilitator.