I’m tired of talk and no action. Asexuality should be a complete devoted lifestyle

[Georgetown]

I’m so tired of living a life utterly deprived of the warm platonic affection that haunts my dreams.

 

I’m so tired of theoretical discussions about the nuance and diversity within asexuality, while in practice most asexuals have few options in a allosexual world to find relationships that matter, that sweet spot that is utterly platonic but greater than traditional friendship, whether romantic or not.

 

There is so much talk, but action is rare, existing only in bits here and there. From now on, I’m going to think of asexuality not in terms of just an idea or identity but a true lifestyle.

[Alejandrogynous]

So... go on and live your "asexual lifestyle" then? I don't know what AVEN has to do with that, or how its conversations are stopping you.

[Curi]

You do you 

[Zatarra]

32 minutes ago, Alejandrogynous said:

So... go on and live your "asexual lifestyle" then? I don't know what AVEN has to do with that, or how its conversations are stopping you.

He makes a good point. There is a lot of theoretical discussion or general complaints of the issues aces face out there but no real solutions to problems. 

Compare this with the LGBT groups what they have done for their community. They had problems and major hurdles to overcome they took it on and addressed those concerns that affected their community. Not the case for us Aces...Sure we will complain and share 'tea and sympathy' or the customary cake emoji...but beyond that nothing...

The apathy amazes me.

 

There are issues out that I see affected aces especially aro-aces. Some of them are more acute (i.e. workplace discrimination) others wont manifest till later in life (isolation/lack of support system). Its all fine and well while you have your high school or college friends - what happens when they start to partner up and move on to raise families of their own. Hopefully there is close/extended family to count on... for those not fortunate enough to have that option then what?

Working in the hospital I see first hand how difficult and treacherous it is for patients to navigate trauma/illness/disability without a spouse/kids/ext family/friends.

 

[Georgetown]

58 minutes ago, Alejandrogynous said:

So... go on and live your "asexual lifestyle" then? I don't know what AVEN has to do with that, or how its conversations are stopping you.

I will 🙂. It’s time for asexuals to find real platonic hope and love in their physical lives.

[Zatarra]

7 minutes ago, Georgetown said:

I will 🙂. It’s time for asexuals to find real platonic hope

So will I...although its starting to dawn on me that I will have to do so without relying on any asexual "community"

I suppose the local Tibetan Buddhist sangha or LGBT groups will have to do.

its getting to a point where this old wolf thinks its best to leave this pack. 

[Galactic Turtle]

While I am leading a life absent of romantic and sexual relations, because of the way things are I think it's incorrect to call it an "asexual lifestyle" just by virtue of the majority of ace people most likely not wanting to live that way. It's definitely a lifestyle though, a celibate one without any spiritual connotation. I guess it would be nice if there were a word or community for that but I'm ok that there isn't. Sure you could take the phrase "asexual lifestyle" and make it mean that but there's already so many debates surrounding wording I'm fine doing my own thing.  

[Georgetown]

11 minutes ago, Galactic Turtle said:

While I am leading a life absent of romantic and sexual relations, because of the way things are I think it's incorrect to call it an "asexual lifestyle" just by virtue of the majority of ace people most likely not wanting to live that way. It's definitely a lifestyle though, a celibate one without any spiritual connotation. I guess it would be nice if there were a word or community for that but I'm ok that there isn't. Sure you could take the phrase "asexual lifestyle" and make it mean that but there's already so many debates surrounding wording I'm fine doing my own thing.  

I think we can have our cake and also eat it too, however. We can be celibate but still connected. It just will take the determination to build it... and a geographic co-location of asexuals in a certain area.

[Guest]

Many asexuals have gone ahead and found asexual partners (even if that sometimes mean distance relationships). The weird thing that I keep seeing happening though is aces falling for each other and then starting to want sex for the first time ever, lol. Gotta be careful of that one

[ReyGraves]

Isn’t part of it that you can’t really force a connection like that with someone? It sort of...happens? I don’t understand how living an “asexual lifestyle” will help change that?

[Sally]

Is there a heterosexual lifestyle?  Nope -- they're all individuals; they're only alike in that they want sex.

 

There's no asexual lifestyle, either -- similarly, we're only alike in that we don't want sex.  Some asexuals are romantic, some are aromantic, some have sex with their partners, some don't have partners.  We're individuals.  Your lifestyle as an asexual may have no relation to my lifestyle as an asexual.  

[Euna]

Your post intrigues me, and I'm curious what action you are planning to take, if you don't mind sharing?   

 

I guess I'm one of the "talkers" here, but life is complicated.  I always wanted a deep platonic or gray-romantic relationship, but I haven't yet reached the point where I feel a need to pursue it actively, and I'm not sure I'll ever get there.  Maybe I'm too romantic to try; I just want it to "happen," like ReyGraves said.  I don't know if I speak for other romantics, but true romance for me requires an element of spontaneity. 

[Georgetown]

3 hours ago, Sally said:

Is there a heterosexual lifestyle?  Nope -- they're all individuals; they're only alike in that they want sex.

 

There's no asexual lifestyle, either -- similarly, we're only alike in that we don't want sex.  Some asexuals are romantic, some are aromantic, some have sex with their partners, some don't have partners.  We're individuals.  Your lifestyle as an asexual may have no relation to my lifestyle as an asexual.  

What you’re saying is true in terms of viewing human beings at their core, but culturally / economically / socially in the West, heterosexuality on average is a lifestyle, based around normative gender roles and a path towards marriage and family.

[Georgetown]

3 hours ago, Euna said:

Your post intrigues me, and I'm curious what action you are planning to take, if you don't mind sharing?   

 

I guess I'm one of the "talkers" here, but life is complicated.  I always wanted a deep platonic or gray-romantic relationship, but I haven't yet reached the point where I feel a need to pursue it actively, and I'm not sure I'll ever get there.  Maybe I'm too romantic to try; I just want it to "happen," like ReyGraves said.  I don't know if I speak for other romantics, but true romance for me requires an element of spontaneity. 

I’m no longer going to care about being “philosophically right”. I’m going to care about what actions I take bring me closer to that awesome better-than-friends platonic warmth and joy. Asexuality’s validity does not need to be justified to anyone because it’s valid simply because people want it.

 

In practice, I want to put the strongest emphasis possible on meeting other asexuals, consider that something worth relocating for. And I want to make it clear upfront to allosexuals that I’m not interested in sex, no matter what they say about that, basically wear asexuality on my sleeve in the hopes a closet asexual notices. And if I meet someone who is unsure about their prefences and leaning towards considering themselves asexual, I will argue in favor of asexuality the same way allosexuals always argue for their side. I’ve met too many amazing people, generally hetero-romantic women, who have leaned in the asexual direction or expressed they were asexual in some way, but they nonetheless got turned straight by super-confident guys. I’ll be that super confident asexual who turns borderline people the other way! And I don’t care one bit about “the great psychological truth of a person” because I think it’s a myth.

[Cobie]

@Georgetown The title of your thread really annoyes me, "... Asexuality should be a complete devoted lifestyle".

 

"Should", why? By which authority are you telling me what I should do? I really, really hate it when people tell me I "should" do/be something.  Asexual = no desire for sex, full stop. There really is nothing more to it   I for one am not going to have a "devoted" asexual lifestyle, whatever that would be anyway.

 

There's far more to life than being an asexual. Being asexual is only one facet of my life. 

 

Most of my life is the same as everybody elses: I eat and poop (hopefully, see the poop thread ), walk around a bit, sleep at night; I look after my finances, pay tax  ; I try to make some connections with people (not going well that one at the moment IRL ), I have my hobbies; my house and clothes unfortunately are not self cleaning etc etc. 

 

And I hate this creating of an opposing stand to all sexuals. They are a varied bunch, and they also can have problems with 'being myself' whilst being born into an existing culture.

[Zatarra]

16 minutes ago, Thea2 said:

@Georgetown The title of your thread really annoyes me, "... Asexuality should be a complete devoted lifestyle". "Should", why? By which authority are you telling me what I should do? I really, really hate it when people tell me I "should" do/be something.  Asexual = no desire for sex, full stop. There really is nothing more to it  

 

I for one am not going to have a "devoted" asexual lifestyle, whatever that would be anyway. There's far more to life than being an asexual. Being asexual is only a tiny facet of my life. Most of my life is the same as everybody elses, I eat and poop (hopefully, see the poop thread ), I walk around a bit, sleep at night, look after my finances, try to make some connections with people IRL (not going well that one at the moment ), I have my hobbies, my house and clothes unfortunately are not self cleaning etc etc. 

 

And I hate this creating of a opposing stand to all sexuals, they are a varied bunch and also have problems being themselves in an existing culture.

 

 

 

One of the definitions of the word "should": used to indicate what is probable

In no way did @Georgetown say that its is obligatory or mandatory for an individual who identifies as asexual to devote to a an asexual lifestyle

nor did he Identify himself as any authority  on this matter

 

Did you perhaps consider that there may be some individuals with whom this message may resonate with?

I dont understand this aggressive apathy around here when someone tries to take action  over passive thoughts/discussions

 

This may be on the minds of some who are concerned about the psychological implications of isolation and lack of support (now or later in life) and there should be a platform to freely discuss that without staunch opposition to shut down the discussion.

This site will go out of its way to accommodate other issues, why cant this be part of the discussion?

 

I am glad to hear that asexuality is not a big deal and you are able to live your life and see no need for a cohesive community/lifestyle...however please understand some people may need this and may not have the luxury of living in the tolerant/progressive Nederlands or Scandanavia. Some of us live in hostile environments where a real support network beyond the confines of online venues can be a real life line.

 

It is this kind of politics that has me considering leaving AVEN all together.

 

[Cobie]

44 minutes ago, Zatarra said:

One of the definitions of the word "should": used to indicate what is probable ...

(Googled) 

should

verb

1.

used to indicate obligation, duty, or correctness, typically when criticizing someone's actions.

"he should have been careful"

2.

used to indicate what is probable.

"£348 m should be enough to buy him out"

 

Clearly the word was used in the first meaning here.

 

[Cobie]

30 minutes ago, Zatarra said:

In no way did @Georgetown say that its is obligatory or mandatory for an individual who identifies as asexual to devote to a an asexual lifestyle ...

I quote from the thread name: "Asexuality should be a complete devoted lifestyle". 'Having' asexuality , my lifestyle is being addressed.  The definition of should is "used to indicate obligation" (see post ^^). 

 

[Cobie]

9 hours ago, Zatarra said:

... nor did he Identify himself as any authority  on this matter ...

Again, I quote from the thread name: "Asexuality should be a complete devoted lifestyle". And (^^earlier post) the definition of should is "used to indicate obligation". 

 

When you think you can tell other people what 'should' be, that is identifying yourself as the authority. A thread title without assuming authority would be e.g. "I myself would like my lifestyle to be a complete devoted asexual lifestyle". 

[Cobie]

1 hour ago, Zatarra said:

... Did you perhaps consider that there may be some individuals with whom this message may resonate with?

I dont understand this aggressive apathy around here when someone tries to take action  over passive thoughts/discussions

 

This may be on the minds of some who are concerned about the psychological implications of isolation and lack of support (now or later in life) and there should be a platform to freely discuss that without staunch opposition to shut down the discussion.

This site will go out of its way to accommodate other issues, why cant this be part of the discussion?

 

I am glad to hear that asexuality is not a big deal and you are able to live your life and see no need for a cohesive community/lifestyle...however please understand some people may need this and may not have the luxury of living in the tolerant/progressive Nederlands or Scandanavia. Some of us live in hostile environments where a real support network beyond the confines of online venues can be a real life line. ...

None of this was suggested by my original post. 

[Zatarra]

15 hours ago, Thea2 said:

Again, I quote from the thread name: "Asexuality should be a complete devoted lifestyle". And (^^earlier post) the definition of should is "used to indicate obligation". 

 

When you think you can tell other people what 'should' be, that is identigying yourself as the authority. A thread title without assuming authority would be e.g. "I myself would like my lifestyle to be a complete devoted asexual lifestyle". 

Seeing that we are both interpreting this different, perhaps the OP can clarify what exactly he meant?

 

Here's the thing:

I wish my orientation was not a big deal and I could carry on as normal. That is not the case...there is acephobia and individuals suffer because of that. Isolation/erasure - that is just the tip of the iceberg

have you read some of the posts or status updates regarding fear/isolation/depression dealing with being ace in society?

I have made it a point to stay in touch with some that have left this site - the pain of navigating daily life being too much. That is something to think about. We are not all sitting nice and content in Amsterdam or Den Haag where its no big deal and being ace is 'only a facet of life'.

Its painful...very painful to hear what some of these individual I talk to are going through in their lives.

what the OP is trying to bring attention could be lifeline to others

OP's call for "real platonic hope in their physical lives" - why try and shut that down? what is wrong with OP's statement even if you personally do not agree with it? what is so sinister or authoritative about that ideal?

 

Just to clarify: Here are direct quotes from OP:
 

"I’m so tired of living a life utterly deprived of the warm platonic affection that haunts my dreams."

 

"I’m so tired of theoretical discussions about the nuance and diversity within asexuality, while in practice most asexuals have few options in a allosexual world to find relationships that matter, that sweet spot that is utterly platonic but greater than traditional friendship, whether romantic or not."

 

"From now on, I’m going to think of asexuality not in terms of just an idea or identity but a true lifestyle."

 

"It’s time for asexuals to find real platonic hope and love in their physical lives"

 

I see your point in the OP's use of the word 'should' as the strict definition of the word "should"...however as evidence by the use of "I'm" it would seem these are the OP's personal feelings and ONLY at the last one does he speak for a collective that may be interested in his idea/view point.

 

I think this may be an overreaction to assume that the OP had intent to 'speak for all aces' with authoritarian intent.

 

How do ideas and interest clubs/groups from? 

one or more individual(s) have an interest/passion about a subject matter and voice it...if others are interested the movement takes off and as more see the appeal and alignment with their values and join it adds to the momentum. As long as the rights of others are respected and there is free will to opt in/out there is no harm in this.

 

If every time someone had an idea of how things should be done to improve a situation or build upon an idea - and then you have someone jump in and shout/drown their idea out calling it "authoritative" where's the chance for new ideas to form? where is the potential for growth or betterment?

Take this for example:

The new social movements of the sixties inspired many LGBT activists to become more radical and the Gay Liberation movement emerged towards the end of the decade. This new radicalism is often attributed to the Stonewall riots of 1969. Immediately after Stonewall, such groups as the Gay Liberation Front (GLF) and the Gay Activists' Alliance (GAA) were formed.

 

Can you imagine if the LGBT community in its early days of activism had this attitude we have here?

 

Thankfully the LGBT community did not have our sense of apathy and complacency with status quo and actually got things done for the betterment of their community.

[Cobie]

2 hours ago, Zatarra said:

... we are both interpreting this different, ...

It really is not a matter of “interpreting”; it's just the meaning of the English words.

I refer back to my post 

https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/169075-i’m-tired-of-talk-and-no-action-asexuality-should-be-a-complete-devoted-lifestyle/?do=findComment&comment=1062752422

 

[Cobie]

2 hours ago, Zatarra said:

Here's the thing: ...

There's a "thing" alright, but none of it relates to my original post https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/169075-i’m-tired-of-talk-and-no-action-asexuality-should-be-a-complete-devoted-lifestyle/?do=findComment&comment=1062752397 

 

[Zatarra]

1 hour ago, Thea2 said:

There's a "thing" alright, but none of it relates to my original post https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/169075-i’m-tired-of-talk-and-no-action-asexuality-should-be-a-complete-devoted-lifestyle/?do=findComment&comment=1062752397 

 

You seem to be missing the point I am trying to make. I would hope you took the time to understand what I was trying to say.

Seeing that we have reached an impasse, I will say no more

[Cobie]

17 hours ago, ReyGraves said:

... you can’t really force a connection like that with someone? It sort of...happens? ...    

[ReyGraves]

@Thea2 was there a reason you quoted me? Or was it just for emphasis or something?

[Cobie]

13 minutes ago, ReyGraves said:

@Thea2 was there a reason you quoted me? Or was it just for emphasis or something?

😐 Sorry. My intention was to add to it ‘Good point, I agree with that’. But I couldn’t type in any text under the quote, the system would not let me, no idea why. 🌸

[The Dryad]

Well....there are plenty of forums on platonic relationships..soooo? I'm so confused..

[gisiebob]

ah, ya weirdos...

if ya want to say "IMMA DOING SOMETHIN NOW AND I'M TIRED OF PEOPLE JUST TALKIN ABOUTS IT" without doing anything an just talkin abouts it, maybe try tumblr?

[Zoaea]

After college age it is harder for all types of people to find new connections. Over time you lose friends too (apathy, moving away, life diverges). It's actually not just an asexual issue. You may also live in a low population area which will compound the issue of making new connections.

 

The easiest connections to make are reviving old friendships. Say they got married, had kids, got busy. Reach out and keep that connection alive. Ask how thier family is, talk about them, and what matters to them, ect. As a mother to a 4 year old I both crave social time with adults and lack the time to have it. A very common occurrence in Parenthood, I love it when a friend takes time to reach out to me.

 

Another source of new friends is to join in group activities you love. For example a book club, table top gaming, sewing circle... Those follow my hobbies but you get the idea. For me I also practice a religion so I join into some of the orginised activities (not just church), there is a woman's social gathering every wed, and other avenues to socialize. But I have to actually go out, attend and put work into building friendships to accomplish anything.

 

Btw, if you want to specifically connect with Ace friends, try making some online here. If perhaps you are lamenting because you crave platonic physical connection, well I don't have tips on that one, but maybe someone else here does?

 

Allos have to work hard to find and make their sexual/romantic relationships work, many people don't find someone to marry until much later. Being asexual doesn't seem different to me. You still will have many failed relationships (and I mean with fellow asexual) before you find the right fit, most likely. Idk I didn't date much, too much work. But I ended up marrying a friend. Making friends can lead to more later on.

 

Good luck with your journey.