Seeking advice on my sexual orientation

[nameofthewind]

Hi all,

I am really struggling with how to define my sexual orientation and hoping I can come to this forum for advice.

 

I am a cisgender female. I was in a long term relationship with a cismale which ended over a year ago. We met when I was 18. He was the first/only man I'd been in love with and had a crush on and my first everything (kiss, sexual activity etc.) I really enjoyed our sexual activity and always had a healthy libido. We had a strong intellectual as well as sexual connection. I have what I think is a very high sex drive and masturbate frequently, usually about twice a day (and generally to multiple orgasms).

 

Since the break up I've had a one night stand with a man who was conventionally attractive and enjoyed the sexual activity on a physical level but didn't feel any strong connection or attraction to him. After that experience I pretty much decided that I didn't want to have sexual intercourse with another person without first feeling an emotional connection. This decision was not based on the experience not being enjoyable (it was, though not earth shattering) but on feeling like sex with an emotional connection is just better, and not wanting to hold out for anything less.

 

I am kinky and recently got involved in the BDSM community. Through this I was involved in an orgy where I predominantly played with women. This involved sexual play but no kissing or penetration (those activities feel 'special' to me in some way, like I wouldn't want to do them with someone I don't have an emotional connection with). Since the breakup I have developed a strong crush/limerence/in love feelings for a cisgender female also involved in the kink community. This involves feelings of both an emotional/intellectual connection and sexual attraction. I notice and find attractive people of all genders, including non-binary people, but usually only if they are placed in a sexual context first, i.e. if I saw someone on the bus I probably wouldn't notice their attractiveness or think of them in a sexual way, but if I saw them in a kink context I would be much more likely to notice them.

 

I am wondering if I am demisexual or perhaps the opposite of demisexual (whatever that is). In other words, I rarely or never develop crushes or form emotional attachments to people, I do feel sexual attraction to a wide range of people, especially if they are kinky, but I rarely or never act on that attraction. What does that make me? Also, if I am sexually attracted to people regardless of their genitals, does that make me pan, bi or queer? What is the difference between those three?

 

Please let me know if there is a label or identity that you think fits me!

[roland.o]

Hello and welcome to the AVEN forums, @nameofthewind. Have some cake!

 

We generally don't assign labels to anyone here. Labels should be chosen. Only you know exactly how you feel, so only you can decide which labels fit you. However, we can make some suggestions, so you can focus your research

 

Since you do feel sexual attraction without emotional attachment, I don't expect that demisexual is a good fit. Rarely acting on sexual attraction could be a sign of low libido or high self control, so I wouldn't see that as an indicator for your sexual orientation. The opposite of demisexual is fraysexual, meaning that sexual attraction diminishes once you get closer to someone. That doesn't seem to fit either, or at least you didn't describe something in that direction.

 

22 hours ago, nameofthewind said:

This involved sexual play but no kissing or penetration (those activities feel 'special' to me in some way, like I wouldn't want to do them with someone I don't have an emotional connection with).

You might want to look into the distinction between sensual attraction and sexual attraction. If the attraction you feel without the emotional connection is sensual rather than sexual, then demisexual could be a good fit after all.

http://wiki.asexuality.org/Attraction

 

I haven't done research into pan vs. bi myself, but somebody once mentioned that "bi" means two (or more) specific genders, whereas "pan" means gender doesn't matter at all.

 

22 hours ago, nameofthewind said:

I notice and find attractive people of all genders, including non-binary people, but usually only if they are placed in a sexual context first

Have you heard of "responsive sexual desire"? https://www.uncoveringintimacy.com/responsive-vs-spontaneous-desire/

 

 

I hope that reading up on those terms, and maybe others you find along the way, will help you to figure yourself out. And you're always welcome to share more of your thoughts and feelings, to seek further advice or suggestions Also, keep in mind that labels are not set in stone. You can always change them, if you feel that they don't suit you anymore.