Telling your ACE husband that Sex with him is awful

[Mary Lambert]

So how does an ACE man feel when someone says that to him? Is he hurt in anyway? I have told my husband (before I knew he was an ACE) that he was awful in bed. But I never knew if this bothered him in anyway. Just wondering. 

[Mermaidy]

I could imagine that he would feel bad/offended/embarrassed because 1-he is having sex with you because he cares about that aspect of your happiness yet (I'm assuming) you aren't revealing what he should be doing for you and 2-you would be wording your feelings awfully/rudely. Whether a person's partner is asexual/straight/gay/etc., just saying that "the sex is awful" isn't helpful. It is important in any relationship that involves sex to express your feelings in a helpful way. This isn't limited to sex either. I think this is more of a constructive criticism issue.

[Purple Wanderer]

He'd probably take that pretty damn hard to be truthful. 

That said if he's ace he's probably not enjoyed it too much either so it may not be a surprise to him

 

[Jarle]

If my (hypothetical) partner said that to me, I'd be pretty hurt and devastated. I'd like to think I could use it to start up a frank and honest conversation about what we'd both want out of that part of our relationship, but more likely I think I'd hide and get mad. I'd ruminate on it either way, and I think it'd shake my faith in our relationship. 

 

Having said that though, I enjoy having sex and making sure that my partners are enjoying it. It's something that I want and expect in an intimate relationship, and someone who doesn't enjoy sex or prioritise it will probably react in a different way. 

[Yeast]

1 hour ago, Mermaidy said:

1-he is having sex with you because he cares about that aspect of your happiness yet (I'm assuming) you aren't revealing what he should be doing for you

Good point. From what I've read about sexual/asexual relationships it appears tact is usually the best approach. 

[Alejandrogynous]

Are those the actual words you used? "Awful in bed"? Yeah, I would feel pretty hurt. It's like saying, 'You know this thing you do exclusively for me because you love me even though you don't really like doing it? Well you suck at it.' It's not the prowess in bed part that would upset me but knowing that the sacrifices I made out of love weren't appreciated. And being asexual doesn't mean we're immune to hurt feelings if you're cruel.

[Sally]

Good heavens, you actually WONDER if that would hurt someone?  

[Sweet Potato]

instant confidence killer, Ego demolisher, and give a damn annihilator.

I didnt know I was ace, but I did know that no sex was fine by me when my (now ex) husband informed me that I suck in bed. yes it hurt. yes it helped kill our relationship. I brought it up every time he complained we werent having enough sex, "well you dont want to screw me, and Im not picking up a hooker for you. not my problem," I think we had sex once or twice in the two years after he said that.

 

so YES its hurtful!

[ripley]

I’m not an ace man but reading this and your second thread I can say ... yeah that would be horrible. Especially when you’ve mentioned in your about me that you begged him to sleep with you before now so you could have a second edition to your family. If someone treated me that way I’d feel pretty terrible; he’s supposed to be your partner, not someone to push into sleeping with you and then later tell them ‘well you suck at it’. He’s probably not feeling too confident about it anyway so it just adds more anxiety to the mix.

 

Relationships are difficult in general, but relationships where two people have different needs are even harder. And they don’t always work regardless what is put into it. You need to both be mindful of how you interact and what you say affects each other, and neither of you should be hurting the other simply because you’re not getting what you want / are feeling pressured to deliver or provide something you’re not comfortable or interested in. You need to really evaluate your happiness and think ‘is sex the only thing for us? Can we be happy even if that’s not on the table?’ and if the answer is no then ... you need to think about what might be best for both of your happiness. 

 

Love him, accept him. Try to understand maybe what his side of the picture looks and feels like. Try and offer how you feel from your side and why it hurts you, why it feels the way it does, but deal with the situation delicately. Hurtful words only help to dig resentment deeper, rather than trying to compassionately understand each other on a bit of a better level.

[daveb]

I'm going to go against the grain here.

Before I knew I was ace it probably would have stung a bit. But then I would've asked if there were things I could do better. I had no experience, so I wouldn't be surprised if I were awful in bed. Once I learned about asexuality I wouldn't put myself in a position for the question to arise, but if it did somehow come up I think I would have to agree. In either case I don't see why I would have any reason to get upset. But maybe I'm weird (or just full of it).  

 

p.s. If I was interested I would also ask for my partner to help me learn how to do better.

[Telecaster68]

I can really appreciate how horrible it must feel to out yourself out there, make sure yourself vulnerable, do your best to make it your partner feel good, and loved, and then be told it'll be never be good enough. 

 

I know this well. It's the feeling we sexuals get when they're rejected permanently. 

[andreas1033]

It will all come down to whether he cares or not.

 

Surely most males i assume would care, but whether an asexual man would care, as he would know he lacks the drives and instincts needed to perform.

 

Maybe he cares, or maybe he does not.

 

I am glad staying a virgin all my life, i never got to find out whether this mattered or not. My attitude to females was always they would be better of with someone whom is sexual, and panting for you. As most people are sexual, and sexual drives makes females feel wanted from the male drive. Being asexual and lacking that sexual drive, the female will not feel wanted.(essentially what the op is talking about deep down)

 

I am glad i never got to find out. I will always be glad i never showed any interest in what ever most males show interest in.

 

I doubt many males think in a way that females that liked him were better of looking elsewhere. That shows how lacking i was in sexual drive to think like that, when most males are panting for females, or sexual activity. Glad i never was.

[Guest]

7 minutes ago, andreas1033 said:

Surely most males i assume would care, but whether an asexual man would care, as he would know he lacks the drives and instincts needed to perform.

The way I look at it, if he's definitely ace then he would only have been doing the sex for her sake, because he loves her. Take sex out of the equation, imagine if your partner really needed something that you're not that into, lets say.. they wanted you to go dancing with them. You hate dancing and know you're not very good at, but go dancing with them anyway out of love for them. You get home later that night and they turn to you and say: ''I know you don't like dancing and yeah, you really sucked at that, you're an awful dancer''.. I think for many people it would be a bit of a punch in the guts even if they already knew they were a crappy dancer, just because they'd done it out of love and, well, you're meant to love them - so that kind of wording is really harsh! 

[Homer]

That's just scolding one's partner for going out of their way for that someone. Pretty shitty move. Would definitely not encourage me to go out of my way again.

[Philip027]

Yeah, it's pretty shitty, considering that if they are ace, whatever they were doing they were probably just doing for your sake.

[caffeine]

I read your other thread. If what you're saying about him and his attitude towards you is true, I think you're actually searching for a way to hurt him and wonder if that blow's gonna land for an ace. Which imo is low.  

[Telecaster68]

Have you seen what he's said to her? 

[ripley]

4 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

Have you seen what he's said to her? 

Yes, and that’s equally as disgusting.

 

The problem is, however, we just don’t know the relationship itself. Only they do. His words could have been a vicious reaction after being persuaded into sex and then told he sucks in the sack, or the reverse could be that her telling her husband he’s no good at sex could be a vicious reaction to his horrible words to her which could have been said to try and get out of having sex. That’s why they both need to be more mindful and communicate better - because a cycle of hurtful words is an easy pattern to fall into when two people are frustrated and don’t understand what the other is thinking and feeling. But that’s not dealing with or communicating the underlying frustrations, it’s just hurting people’s feelings further.

 

We can only go on what we read from the posters own threads, only their side of the story. The husband isn’t here to give us an image of what he thinks or feels about the situation. So we have to bear that in mind. It’s a tricky situation, but really I think most people are just trying to think about how they would feel or how they would react if they were in either persons shoes.

[Telecaster68]

I agree. I just wanted to point out this wasn't a situation where he was without blame. 

[ripley]

25 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

I agree. I just wanted to point out this wasn't a situation where he was without blame. 

Oh absolutely! I agree with you, and people coming into just this one thread might see it that way. In my opinion, from what we know at the moment they’ve both hurt each other a lot, but it’s born mainly from misunderstanding and lack of communicating properly.

[ladywacko]

13 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

I agree. I just wanted to point out this wasn't a situation where he was without blame. 

I completely understand. But he’s not here. If he WERE here, I’m sure I’d have to get in the queue to tell him that he’s acted like an ass and should be ashamed of the awful things he’s said to his wife. Since he isn’t here, but she is, I’m gonna focus on her. 

 

Mary, I’m sorry you’re hurting. This rage that you’re stewing in is only hurting you more. I don’t know that you’re ever going to cut him as deeply as he’s cut you, much as you want to. Regardless, hurting him won’t heal you. And it’s kinda gross to be on these forums trying to ferret out ways that you can “get to” an asexual man. That’s something I’m really not comfortable being a part of. 

[anamikanon]

On 21/03/2018 at 4:01 AM, Mary Lambert said:

So how does an ACE man feel when someone says that to him? Is he hurt in anyway? I have told my husband (before I knew he was an ACE) that he was awful in bed. But I never knew if this bothered him in anyway. Just wondering. 

He'd feel about as bad as you'd feel if he said "well, I find sex with you pretty awful too"

 

Technically, it shouldn't bother you that he didn't like sex with you that you already consider awful. Technically, it shouldn't bother him that you think the sex is awful when he doesn't like it much either, but humans are strange creatures. They like to be accepted, appreciated and being explicitly told that their actions come across as unpleasant is.... unpleasant.

 

This is a useless train of thought.

 

If there is a problem with sex, fix it or abandon it. Being cruel about it will not make him a better lover or you a nicer person.

[anamikanon]

That said, there are ways to say it and make it work. For example, my Mr. Clueless had his own idea of masturbating me that was (to his mind) sexy. It did nothing to me other than make me sore. So I told him "dude, this works better in your imagination. I'm sore." But then, I showed him what he could do. I also realized that what he was doing appealed to him because it didn't take a lot of involvement on his part other than a repetitive action. So I made sure that my suggestions were also equally easy for him to pull off without having to make too much effort. He took them almost gratefully and was further gratified when they worked.

 

Because here is the thing, when he tries to have sex with me for my sake, he's actually trying to do something nice for me. If it doesn't work, throwing it back at his face will simply make him not bother about what I want in the future. Helping him make his gift better will make him feel satisfaction over what he did and take more interest in doing more.

 

I think it is also important to realize that when someone does not want to have sex but are having it for our pleasure, while they do take joy in our pleasure, it can become a very tiring effort without the intoxication of pleasure to go with it. And I am not talking of the mental/psychological exhaustion aces talk about when they say sex drains them. But just think of this, if you were to assume the woman on top position and go at it for half an hour - except without the man, just squatting on a bed or riding a pillow - would it tire you out or not, even if you thought nothing of it during sex? To someone not into sex, it can be a lot of physically exhausting exercise. And that can take some of the skill out of things. It can help to find solutions that result in less exhaustion.

[Mary Lambert]

10 hours ago, anamikanon said:

That said, there are ways to say it and make it work. For example, my Mr. Clueless had his own idea of masturbating me that was (to his mind) sexy. It did nothing to me other than make me sore. So I told him "dude, this works better in your imagination. I'm sore." But then, I showed him what he could do. I also realized that what he was doing appealed to him because it didn't take a lot of involvement on his part other than a repetitive action. So I made sure that my suggestions were also equally easy for him to pull off without having to make too much effort. He took them almost gratefully and was further gratified when they worked.

 

Because here is the thing, when he tries to have sex with me for my sake, he's actually trying to do something nice for me. If it doesn't work, throwing it back at his face will simply make him not bother about what I want in the future. Helping him make his gift better will make him feel satisfaction over what he did and take more interest in doing more.

 

I think it is also important to realize that when someone does not want to have sex but are having it for our pleasure, while they do take joy in our pleasure, it can become a very tiring effort without the intoxication of pleasure to go with it. And I am not talking of the mental/psychological exhaustion aces talk about when they say sex drains them. But just think of this, if you were to assume the woman on top position and go at it for half an hour - except without the man, just squatting on a bed or riding a pillow - would it tire you out or not, even if you thought nothing of it during sex? To someone not into sex, it can be a lot of physically exhausting exercise. And that can take some of the skill out of things. It can help to find solutions that result in less exhaustion.

Oh, Yeah, you are singing to the choir, girl. I get it now. You just got to understand what a shock this has been, and I know for you, you must have been shocked also. Yes, my husband has tried to please me by having sex with me, but that's just the point, I don't want sex with him if that is how it is. I want someone who wants me and I thought that is what I married. So I am still trying to get past the shock. I am still trying to figure out how I can sleep with someone else that I am attracted too with out hurting him but at the same time I love him. So my mind is so conflicted. I have two guys who are interested in me in that way. I have only ever been with my husband so it is hard to take the leap. Do I really want to or is the fantasy good enough?  Talking it out is helpful. He seems to want to have sex, since our recent talk when I told him I realized he was not gay. That happened this week.  We have not slept together since our big blow out in February. Not sure I ever want to sleep with him again. I just want us to be happy and I want to show him I love him and appreciate him. Why does he want this with me if its such bullshit? He is making me and himself unhappy by not realizing that he would be happier if I had a boyfriend and so would I. He gets the wife and the kids, I get what I want and everyone wins. I don't want a sexual relationship with him, because its false. I'll let you know how it all turns, out, Blessings, Mary

[Mary Lambert]

On ‎3‎/‎21‎/‎2018 at 10:11 AM, daveb said:

I'm going to go against the grain here.

Before I knew I was ace it probably would have stung a bit. But then I would've asked if there were things I could do better. I had no experience, so I wouldn't be surprised if I were awful in bed. Once I learned about asexuality I wouldn't put myself in a position for the question to arise, but if it did somehow come up I think I would have to agree. In either case I don't see why I would have any reason to get upset. But maybe I'm weird (or just full of it).  

 

p.s. If I was interested I would also ask for my partner to help me learn how to do better.

You are a sweetie. I love your responses, because I think they are different and interesting. I learn from you. Blessings, Mary

[Mary Lambert]

On ‎3‎/‎21‎/‎2018 at 3:49 PM, FictoVore. said:

The way I look at it, if he's definitely ace then he would only have been doing the sex for her sake, because he loves her. Take sex out of the equation, imagine if your partner really needed something that you're not that into, lets say.. they wanted you to go dancing with them. You hate dancing and know you're not very good at, but go dancing with them anyway out of love for them. You get home later that night and they turn to you and say: ''I know you don't like dancing and yeah, you really sucked at that, you're an awful dancer''.. I think for many people it would be a bit of a punch in the guts even if they already knew they were a crappy dancer, just because they'd done it out of love and, well, you're meant to love them - so that kind of wording is really harsh! 

Terrific analogy. You are well spoken. Yes, he sucks at dancing too. I never told him that, I just got off the dance floor and signed us up for dance lessons, he hated them.  

[Mary Lambert]

On ‎3‎/‎21‎/‎2018 at 3:20 PM, Telecaster68 said:

I can really appreciate how horrible it must feel to out yourself out there, make sure yourself vulnerable, do your best to make it your partner feel good, and loved, and then be told it'll be never be good enough. 

 

I know this well. It's the feeling we sexuals get when they're rejected permanently. 

So true

[Mary Lambert]

On ‎3‎/‎21‎/‎2018 at 5:25 PM, caffeine said:

I read your other thread. If what you're saying about him and his attitude towards you is true, I think you're actually searching for a way to hurt him and wonder if that blow's gonna land for an ace. Which imo is low.  

You, know it- I am the lowest. But how did I get that way? Oh, hey 13 years of thinking I was fat, stinky and too horrible to have sex with. I could have used a little honesty.  I was a college athlete and my sisters were professional models, ( I looked enough like them to tell you my looks were not bad) So crazy blow to get married to a man who rejected me in the bedroom. Yes, I am tainted.  

[caffeine]

9 hours ago, Mary Lambert said:

You, know it- I am the lowest. But how did I get that way? Oh, hey 13 years of thinking I was fat, stinky and too horrible to have sex with. I could have used a little honesty.  I was a college athlete and my sisters were professional models, ( I looked enough like them to tell you my looks were not bad) So crazy blow to get married to a man who rejected me in the bedroom. Yes, I am tainted.  

I'm not talking about your desire to lash out to him. You and only you have been living with him (though if what you say about the way he's treated you is true, I do have to wonder why), so only you know whether it's appropriate to try to hurt him back. I'm not particularly sold on the whole 'kill rudeness with kindness' idea so hell, if you want to go off at him, you do you - your marriage, your stakes. What I think is low is that you came to a place full of people with one and only one thing in common with your husband, and tried to fish for something around that one common thing that can be hurtful - basically testing the blow on forum folks, who have done nothing to you and have not contributed to your suffering. That's the low part. 

[Telecaster68]

I didn't read the post like that. It was more asking whether people would be hurt because they'd have a similar point of view - trying to understand better - not figuring out tactics. OP said she'd already done it. 

 

Clearly it *is* hurtful, but for a sexual, it's not clear whether an asexual would care much about how good they are at something they don't enjoy - a bit like, I'll go bowling with friends for the social aspect, but I can take or leave bowling itself, and I don't care how good I am at it.