Panic attack after kissing someone

[hitchie]

So i kissed a guy, the mood had been kind of weird but i wanted to try it out for the first time to see what it was like. I'm not sure if i was totally romantically attracted to him, as i think subconsciously i found him slightly immature and annoying. Anyways, it was fine, but i didn't really feel anything in particular, not even excitement of any sort. In fact i felt slightly uncomfortable thinking about him enjoying kissing me.

A minute later, I excused myself to the bathroom as i had began to feel nauseous. I locked myself in the bathroom, and i felt as if i was going to be sick, my hands were sweaty, i felt dizzy and light headed for at least five minutes. The feeling subsided slightly, but afterwards i made up a bullshit excuse and left his house early. He demanded to walk me home, and i knew he was going to ask me to kiss him one last time when i went back into my house. I was dreading it the entire way. i just pulled back quickly and shut the door on him.

I am mildly depressed, and get random swings of depression. After i went back into my house i felt particularly awful, and cried for a while on my bed as i tried to stop thinking about the entire thing. Me kissing him played over and over in my head, and it made feel disgusting and filthy even thinking about it. I entered a depressive period after that for a week.

I don't know if that was just entirely situational? It wasn't like I was particularly disgusted by the guy, in fact I still talk to him regularly (we agreed it wasn't happening again). I don't know, does this ring a bell to anyone? Am I possibly somewhere on the ace/aro spectrum?

 

[Yep, me]

Kissing doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with romance, or sexual stuff.

I too personally think kissing is absolutely disgusting, but it has nothing to do with the person.

[Kyōma32]

I've only kissed one person, and while my response was not as severe as yours, I felt it going that way (panicky thoughts, pins and needles etc.) almost every time I kissed them. Like you, I actually quite liked this person, and was not disgusted or put off by them at all. Aromantics are just far more likely to feel uncomfortable while kissing. If your discomfort was due to kissing and not the specific person, I think it's likely that it won't matter who you're kissing; you'll probably feel that way every time. Regarding your questioning whether you are ace/aro, feeling like this could be a sign that you are one or both as a lack of sexual/romantic attraction may be the cause of the discomfort.

I have quite a bit of experience with panic attacks in general, and I think they depend entirely on the situation. I hate to say it, but in my experience, it's likely that it will happen again, especially if you have spent a lot of time worrying about it happening again. Anticipatory anxiety due to rumination is a huge factor in whether or not a panic attack will be triggered. It has triggered about half of mine. I would suggest accepting what happened and then trying to put it out of your mind and make a decision not to try kissing again for a while. Making this decision consciously may help alleviate some of the rumination. The worst thing you can do when it comes to panic attacks is worry about panic attacks. 

[hitchie]

aaah thank you so much! that really helped clarify things a lot more, i'll take your advice on this. I'll try to concentrate on acknowledging what triggered the panic attack, honestly your reply is so helpful ;-; <3