uhtred Posted March 21, 2018 Share Posted March 21, 2018 13 hours ago, Jeanraffe said: Revenge, and the drive to hurt someone- nah never works out well, and never actually makes you feel better either, no one wins. Trust me on this. And why do we strive to hurt someone else? Because we feel like they owe us their pain since they caused ours? Does it actually make us satisfied to see the stricken look upon their faces? For most cases, the answer is ...no. At least from my experiences and from the ones I've witnessed negative energy meeting negative energy doesn't cancel each other out, it adds on and makes things worse. You will feel worse when the damage is done, and usually by that time there is no way to take the actions back. Does hurting someone else and lashing out at them make us feel like we've regained any power that we may have lost in the relationship? Usually again... no. Lashing out at a partner can drive them to see you in a new light, and then they might be the one that leaves you (not a good feeling). So, my suggestion would be, take up a kick boxing class, or an art class, wherever you think you can best direct this anger and passion building up (and learn something new while at it), then I would suggest to calmly and seriously consider ending this relationship. If it is making you unhappy then you should move on from it. After all you only have one life (unless you believe in reincarnation which I'm assuming you don't since you say you're christian) so live it fully and happily right? And then with your mind fully set and decided, calmly talk to your husband about the best way to end things for your kids. This way you keep your power, your kids aren't always sensing bad tensions between two people that they love dearly (kids are smart they will pick up on this stuff) and you can find someone else who will truly work well with what you need (no it's never too late a family member of mine who is in her 80's just got married to the man she'd been dating for a few years). Good luck. You are absolutely right - but at the same time is is so infuriating to live with someone who refuses to recognize that they are hurting you. To be in a relationship where you are miserable, but where they talk about how wonderful it is - because it is for them. Link to post Share on other sites
Mary Lambert Posted March 21, 2018 Author Share Posted March 21, 2018 Yes, that is why having someone to talk to who understands is so important. It is also so hard not to bother our friends with this, which is what I do all the time. It is also nice to hear from other ACE's points of views. But yes, it is a cold wet washcloth slapped across the face every time, but then I really don't feel bad about having crushes on other man, and it keeps me motivated to stay in shape and look good. So we have to turn this bad situation into a positive. I imagine this is so much harder for the younger person married to an ACE. But I have learned not to feel so guilty about my feelings anymore. I mean anyone besides maybe another ACE would have expectation that you marry someone to have that and if that is not fulfilled within reason then, I cannot feel bad about having a wondering eye or thought. What they don't know can't hurt them. I'm with you. Link to post Share on other sites
MoraDollie Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 But sometimes as the other spouse you really need to get mad. It is only fair. They took something away (I know they did not try to) that they had no right taking. They need to suffer. And no I will not harm him in anyway. I really love him so much. But it is cathartic to get mad and say he needs to suffer. My guess is you are young, with no children. Leaving a good home is not an option. But thanks for your input. You are a blessed sou Except you will. Revenge is a petty man's game. It will NOT make anyone happy or satisfied and only spread misery. This is the completely immature way to go about it. In the end, this is YOUR happiness. No one else's. If you're this miserable and marriage counseling isn't helping matters, take your bags and leave. Kids would rather have parents who get along than parents being passive aggressive against each other, because that leaves bad impressions on them and negatively affects their own personal growth. Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 Quote I think that if you're here (or anywhere) looking for someone to say "yeah, right on, man! stick it to him!" you're not going to find that. This site is mainly asexual people, and whether we agree with your husband's words or methods, we still have a great amount of empathy for him, because many of us have been in his shoes. I'm afraid I don't have any empathy for a guy that tries to pin and blame his disinterest in sex on his partner. It's one thing to not realize that you could be asexual; it's another thing entirely to be flat out dishonest and not have the guts to be able to admit "it's not you; it's me" and instead make up imagined flaws and put-downs for your partner just so you can avoid saying that it's just YOU that's not interested and YOU never have been interested. That's just shitty. If you wanna back him up on that, go right ahead, but I think it's dangerous to suggest that you're speaking for most asexual people here. Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 woooo double Link to post Share on other sites
anamikanon Posted March 23, 2018 Share Posted March 23, 2018 Another thought that occurs to me. While your ace was a complete jerk over how he gaslighted you, he may also simply be voicing things that go on in his head as explanations for why he couldn't have sex. The smallest thing can distract my ace from sex, and god forbid what all he will find seeing me at my most unguarded and imperfect moment, if he needs a reason for why he doesn't want sex with me. He's given reasons like "weather was too hot" at night, when he went for an hour long walk in the day - in full, bright sunlight! It isn't that the weather was too hot only at night, he needed reasons for why he wasn't in a mood to do something he had set out to do only then. Others are "bed is not firm enough", "I am too tired" (he'll be wide awake and fresh as a daisy if the subject changes), "kid could wake up", etc. The list is endless. Thankfully, he's spared my body or me as a person overall. If your partner has psychological issues that make it hard for talking about how they feel, etc - such things can be magnified. It is much easier to focus on physical sensations than emotions, so "I am averse to sex" does not come to mind as easily as "that vagina is looser than my hand which I like to hold in just such a manner while masturbating" - which can then seem to be a reason why he doesn't like it. If only the vagina were tighter, boobs were perkier, the stretch marks didn't look so ugly, she had 10 pounts more or less on her, could stand on her head for sex.... these are distractions that can seem real to someone with a disability of being aware of their emotions. Ever since my ace mentioned he likes the smell of my shampoo, I make sure to use it often, so he can use it to feel nice and comfort himself if something else turns out to be unpleasant. Though thankfully, so far he hasn't said nasty things about my body. I also really make sure to never pressure him for sex when he is feeling averse - this is the biggest reason for him to need excuses for why he doesn't want sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted March 23, 2018 Share Posted March 23, 2018 @anamikanon You could well be right, but even so, the impulse to say something that's clearly horrible should've been stifled before it came out of his mouth. Link to post Share on other sites
anamikanon Posted March 23, 2018 Share Posted March 23, 2018 Sure, @Telecaster68- I'm not defending him here. Just trying to see the sort of confusion that can lead to this kind of behavior. What he did is plain horrible. Link to post Share on other sites
Mary Lambert Posted March 23, 2018 Author Share Posted March 23, 2018 9 hours ago, anamikanon said: Another thought that occurs to me. While your ace was a complete jerk over how he gaslighted you, he may also simply be voicing things that go on in his head as explanations for why he couldn't have sex. The smallest thing can distract my ace from sex, and god forbid what all he will find seeing me at my most unguarded and imperfect moment, if he needs a reason for why he doesn't want sex with me. He's given reasons like "weather was too hot" at night, when he went for an hour long walk in the day - in full, bright sunlight! It isn't that the weather was too hot only at night, he needed reasons for why he wasn't in a mood to do something he had set out to do only then. Others are "bed is not firm enough", "I am too tired" (he'll be wide awake and fresh as a daisy if the subject changes), "kid could wake up", etc. The list is endless. Thankfully, he's spared my body or me as a person overall. If your partner has psychological issues that make it hard for talking about how they feel, etc - such things can be magnified. It is much easier to focus on physical sensations than emotions, so "I am averse to sex" does not come to mind as easily as "that vagina is looser than my hand which I like to hold in just such a manner while masturbating" - which can then seem to be a reason why he doesn't like it. If only the vagina were tighter, boobs were perkier, the stretch marks didn't look so ugly, she had 10 pounts more or less on her, could stand on her head for sex.... these are distractions that can seem real to someone with a disability of being aware of their emotions. Ever since my ace mentioned he likes the smell of my shampoo, I make sure to use it often, so he can use it to feel nice and comfort himself if something else turns out to be unpleasant. Though thankfully, so far he hasn't said nasty things about my body. I also really make sure to never pressure him for sex when he is feeling averse - this is the biggest reason for him to need excuses for why he doesn't want sex. All good stuff. So thankful for you and the time you took out to respond and give your experiences. Helps soooo much. Yes, he really screwed himself and our family over when he started in on me being the reason. I have not been a nice person about it at all. This site sure has helped me be a lot kinder to him and start the forgiving and understanding process. Am I still pissed off? I would say yes. But I feel so much love for him. Do I still want to cause him pain. I mean it took 13 years to pull this out of him, so yes I do want to cause him some discomfort, but I think I am justified. He identifies with Bisexual/ Asexual and all I can imagine that means is that he really doesn't find women or men that sexy, He just says he responds to touch. So I guess a man could, or a woman could touch him the right way. He refuses to go down on me, but appreciates it when I do it for him. So for 1 year I have completely rejected him, but now I want to try to soften things up, but not sure if I will give him the benefit of going down on him. And part of me would love it if he cheated on me so that I could feel fine if I got involved with someone else. Just thoughts. Sounds like you guys have it worked out somewhat, but I know it is hard and wierd. Many Blessings. Mary Link to post Share on other sites
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