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How to get over being mad at my ACE husband?


Mary Lambert

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Mary Lambert

Last night after visiting this site, (and again thanks for all the helpful comments), I wrote down how mad I am at him. I was alone so I did not take it out on him in anyway. When I write about him, I really feel like saying how much I hate him. But in real life, I really love him. He is my rock. But I let the pen explode. Part of me wants him to hurt like he has hurt me. I want to tell him I am sleeping with someone, just to see his pain. I remember a couple of years ago when I confronted him about how we never slept together, he laughed at me like I was this nymph. I will never forget it. He thought this was a joke. After we went into counselling he said he had no idea how he had hurt me through the years. He would always, say your vagina is too big. your breath stink, your armpits stink. I would wash all the time and constantly brush my teeth. He wanted me to believe it was me who was making it impossible to be sexually intimate. I just can never forgive him for that. No matter how hard I try or pray. Not until I hurt him so bad that he feels the pain I felt. We no longer sleep together. I told him I would never sleep with him again. After counseling, it was never, "hey babe, you're hot" it was always like I will give you sex for being a good wife. F@!$ that -who wants it. A woman wants to feel desired. So if you ACE men don't get why I am determine to sleep with someone else (and yes I am a Christian and love the Lord and my kids and my husband) then you will never understand, you can't. Comments appreciated. 

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If you're that unhappy I don't understand why you'd torture both of you and stay. Leave. You'll be happier. He'll be happier. The kids will be happier. 

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30 minutes ago, Mary Lambert said:

He would always, say your vagina is too big. your breath stink, your armpits stink. I would wash all the time and constantly brush my teeth. He wanted me to believe it was me who was making it impossible to be sexually intimate.

That makes him an arsehole. But he's not a arsehole because he's asexual. If you feel like you can't forgive him, that's perfectly understandable. But you don't need to take it out on all asexual men. I agree with Lia, it sounds as if you'll be happier if you split up if you can't forgive him. You don't have to force it to work, it'll just make everyone involved miserable, surely? Also, getting revenge never ends well, it very rarely results in feeling better.

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He is my rock. But I let the pen explode. Part of me wants him to hurt like he has hurt me. I want to tell him I am sleeping with someone, just to see his pain. I remember a couple of years ago when I confronted him about how we never slept together, he laughed at me like I was this nymph. I will never forget it. He thought this was a joke. After we went into counselling he said he had no idea how he had hurt me through the years. He would always, say your vagina is too big. your breath stink, your armpits stink. I would wash all the time and constantly brush my teeth. He wanted me to believe it was me who was making it impossible to be sexually intimate. I just can never forgive him for that. 

Honey your subconscious has spoken for itself here. You are looking for a way out of this relationship because you are miserable. Not all ace X allo relationships can work, AND THIS IS FINE. It honestly sounds like you need at least a trial separation from each other because both of you have honestly gone about this in an immature way (I'm not speaking with anger or anything like this, I'm just a 3rd party observer here).

 

A relationship is supposed to make you happy most of the time. A relationship is not meant for you to be rolling your eyes, grumbling under your breath, or feeling like you have to "anonymous spill your guts about how you ACTUALLY feel about your relationship online". 

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Mary Lambert

This is about causing pain to someone who caused you pain. Yes, I'm sure we will part someday. But I want him to feel emotional pain so raw that he never forgets it, just like he did to me. It's only fair. 

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22 minutes ago, Mary Lambert said:

It's only fair. 

No. It's not. That's vengeance, not justice.

You know better than to deliberately choose to cause someone pain, but you're letting your emotions take over. I don't blame you for that, and I get why you are upset. But that doesn't excuse doing bad things yourself.

Be the better person and walk away.

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Telecaster68

He said all the those things, mocked you when you expressed your needs and he's your 'rock'? Really? 

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I know the feeling and you have more reason than I to feel that way. 

 

Sometimes I want my wife to know how much she is hurting me - or maybe for her to understand what I have given up to be with her.  If I say nothing, she thinks our marriage is wonderful - we are the best couple ever.  Sure she knows that I'd like sex, but to her, that is like my saying that I wish there was a Thai restaurant nearby - sure it would be nice but it doesn't really matter.

 

She has tried to blame it on me - but has been FAR nicer about it that the OPs husband. Still she tries to make me feel like s selfish perv for wanting anything other than intercourse, but she finds intercourse too uncomfortable (which she sort of blames on me as well).   

 

In her near-asexual world, sex isn't something "normal" people really do - except for maybe occasionally.  All the sex in movies is just made up.  Sex has nothing to do with love. etc. 

 

 

Sorry, now I'm ranting.   OP - I understand your anger and frustration. All I can say is that your husband is simply not wired to react the way  you want - he can't do it.  You need to either accept him as he is, or leave.    I would not fault you for leaving - it is what I would tell my younger self to do. 

 

 

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It seems like a miserable marriage, which is sad to hear. From what you’ve said he didn’t handle it in the right way at all. I agree that you should walk away and find happiness elsewhere because it’s not worth staying. There will never be a compromise that makes either of you happy.

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Mary Lambert
23 minutes ago, uhtred said:

I know the feeling and you have more reason than I to feel that way. 

 

Sometimes I want my wife to know how much she is hurting me - or maybe for her to understand what I have given up to be with her.  If I say nothing, she thinks our marriage is wonderful - we are the best couple ever.  Sure she knows that I'd like sex, but to her, that is like my saying that I wish there was a Thai restaurant nearby - sure it would be nice but it doesn't really matter.

 

She has tried to blame it on me - but has been FAR nicer about it that the OPs husband. Still she tries to make me feel like s selfish perv for wanting anything other than intercourse, but she finds intercourse too uncomfortable (which she sort of blames on me as well).   

 

In her near-asexual world, sex isn't something "normal" people really do - except for maybe occasionally.  All the sex in movies is just made up.  Sex has nothing to do with love. etc. 

 

 

Sorry, now I'm ranting.   OP - I understand your anger and frustration. All I can say is that your husband is simply not wired to react the way  you want - he can't do it.  You need to either accept him as he is, or leave.    I would not fault you for leaving - it is what I would tell my younger self to do. 

 

 

Sorry, not sure how to post reply with out hitting quote, yet. Thank you. I am with you. I am older too. So leaving is so easy to say, isn't it? We have kids and a life. He is awesome. I just wish he would have been honest and spared us all the pain when I was younger. I had a chance with someone else, many others. I was not hurting for a boyfriend. I had a lot of options, now I do not. Plus leaving hurts so much, he is part of me. I just want to bitch and gain insight and feel like I am not alone. I also want to cause him pain from time to time, but that is my prerogative. :)

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Ace can be dealt with. Immature can be dealt with. Ace, immature and cruel is hard. I understand the need to hurt him back. Frankly, my ace isn't half as bad, but when I'm frustrated and he sleeps peacefully in bed night after night while I pace the room... I want to yank him awake and simply keep him awake while I can't sleep either. Because he sure seems to find sleep deprivation for himself worse than sex deprivation for me. And so on....

 

It is anger. And why not. We hurt. It is unfair. It is like being childish on an adult issue. What the heck are you doing at all promising a sexual relationship to another adult if you are not interested in sex? And so on. I often feel cheated. I wrote away my hard won independence to stay awake in my room while someone sleeps peacefully in it. And I'm awake because they chose to pursue the right to sleep peacefully there outright stating that he wanted a sexual relationship. Who wouldn't be angry? Forget sex deprivation, the sleep deprivation from the sex deprivation is wrecking my health and happiness at times.

 

But what is the use? Will he learn from it? I doubt. He simply does not see sex as necessary, and all the best intentions evaporate till he can see me miserable and jolts awake to offer sex like you'd offer a meal to a whining dog to get it to shut up. Do I deserve this? I am an attractive woman who is widely loved and appreciated. Do I have to take this?

 

It makes me angry. The problem is, retaliation is no solution to anyone, and me appearing to be a spiteful and cruel person will not go well with the beautiful person I have made myself. Someone cares about people, supports them in their hard time, lends her voice to their problems... It takes, effort. It takes hard choices in the face of the easy way or the temptation to do harm in anger. I've learned to become someone who is bigger than petty things, who seeks constructive ways for all concerned. Will I sacrifice that too to this sleeping lout?

 

Also, the sleeping lout is a very nice guy other than sex.

 

I am really sorry yours gaslighted you and caused insecurity in such hideous ways.

 

Will it make you happier to be someone spiteful? Probably not. Much better to seek solutions that work or end the relationship if I can't make it work.

 

That said, if you feel that strongly, go for it. There is no harm in offering a life lesson on being cruel to a loved one either. But whatever you choose, do it in a way that empowers you as a person. Don't give him power over you become. That isn't justice or vengeance, that is just letting him taint more and more of your being. If it is that bad, move on. 

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Mary Lambert
50 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

He said all the those things, mocked you when you expressed your needs and he's your 'rock'? Really? 

Yes, he is a very good friend and I love him very much. I am sorry people feel the need to hide their inner secrets before they get married. I am 50 years old. I was a 34 year old virgin when I married him. I was very religious and very ambitious. I had a lot of boyfriends before him and could have married someone else for sure. I wanted to be done with a doctorate before I married and I had spent a lot of time as an athlete before I went back to school. So I waited to get married. He looked like the greatest thing I ever could find. The Bible says that the two are one. And really it's true, leaving him would be a ripping away of a big part of me. Not ready to do that. He is a great person other than the sex. 

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It's not about hiding inner secrets. You say you're older. Asexuality wasn't talked about, and there wasn't even a label for it, until close to 10 or so years ago (maybe a little more). For someone to have those feelings of not desiring sex, it was seen as their problem. It was seen as them having something wrong with them and many people went through the "normal" motions because that's what they were expected to do. Many people didn't have a way to express how they were feeling. It's not fair of you to put that on your husband when he wasn't equipped with the tools to express his thoughts and feelings to you about those things. Nothing excuses nasty words being thrown at you, but neither does anything excuse being cruel in return just to be cruel. Be the bigger person and walk away. He will stand in judgment of himself one day, and he will have to judge himself on the words he spoke to you. That is not your place to do.

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Just because someone is asexual, it does not mean they went into a relationship or marriage on false pretences. They may not know what they are. They may overestimate what they can actually do in a relationship. Things may change as they get older.  Sometimes nobody is to blame. 

 

Hurting him helps noone. It won't help you. It will hurt him and it will hurt your kids. Also isn't an eye for an eye quoted in the bible a few times? Hurting someone does not help anyone. 

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banana monkey
2 hours ago, Mary Lambert said:

 a couple of years ago when I confronted him about how we never slept together, he laughed at me like I was this nymph. I will never forget it. He thought this was a joke. After we went into counselling he said he had no idea how he had hurt me through the years. He would always, say your vagina is too big. your breath stink, your armpits stink.

Even though, asexuals cannot comprehend this sort of stuff, (which may have caused the laughing because he really cannot understand how someone would think that) This is really unacceptable, especially all the personal insults when that really was not the problem. 

. After counseling, it was never, "hey babe, you're hot" it was always like I will give you sex for being a good wife. F@!$ that -who wants it. 

That's exactly the thing with asexuality we don't think people are "hot" so you cant really expect him to say that. He doesnt desire sex at all, but wants to /is willing to have it because he loves you and wants to do that for you. I think thats what he means. Like you say, to asexuals sex tends not to equal love and if it does it is in a different way to sexuals. Its just he way asexuals were born, they cannot help it and therefore you cant expect them to be someone they are not. 

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Mary Lambert
7 minutes ago, .Lia said:

It's not about hiding inner secrets. You say you're older. Asexuality wasn't talked about, and there wasn't even a label for it, until close to 10 or so years ago (maybe a little more). For someone to have those feelings of not desiring sex, it was seen as their problem. It was seen as them having something wrong with them and many people went through the "normal" motions because that's what they were expected to do. Many people didn't have a way to express how they were feeling. It's not fair of you to put that on your husband when he wasn't equipped with the tools to express his thoughts and feelings to you about those things. Nothing excuses nasty words being thrown at you, but neither does anything excuse being cruel in return just to be cruel. Be the bigger person and walk away. He will stand in judgment of himself one day, and he will have to judge himself on the words he spoke to you. That is not your place to do.

Lia, you seem extremely cool and kind. You write well.  I appreciate your thoughts, I really do. Yes kindness is in order. But sometimes as the other spouse you really need to get mad. It is only fair. They took something away (I know they did not try to) that they had no right taking. They need to suffer. And no I will not harm him in anyway. I really love him so much. But it is cathartic to get mad and say he needs to suffer. My guess is you are young, with no children. Leaving a good home is not an option. But thanks for your input. You are a blessed soul. :) 

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1 hour ago, Mary Lambert said:

This is about causing pain to someone who caused you pain. Yes, I'm sure we will part someday. But I want him to feel emotional pain so raw that he never forgets it, just like he did to me. It's only fair. 

Absolutely NOT, the ends do not justify the means, just because you have been treated badly does not mean that you yourself should cause more pain to other people, it makes you just as bad as the one who has done this to you.

I didn’t seek revenge towards the person who sexually assaulted me, I wanted to make sure that they would never do that to anyone else and to become a better person, because being stuck in prison for many years, and then not being able to get a job, no one thinking of you well, and eventually living on the streets begging for help is what could happen to them; even if they learned their lesson.

I did not want that for anyone.

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2 minutes ago, Mary Lambert said:

Lia, you seem extremely cool and kind. You write well.  I appreciate your thoughts, I really do. Yes kindness is in order. But sometimes as the other spouse you really need to get mad. It is only fair. They took something away (I know they did not try to) that they had no right taking. They need to suffer. And no I will not harm him in anyway. I really love him so much. But it is cathartic to get mad and say he needs to suffer. My guess is you are young, with no children. Leaving a good home is not an option. But thanks for your input. You are a blessed soul. :) 

Being mad is fair. Taking vengeance is not for you to decide. Christianity teaches us that it is not for us to judge others, even despite the cruel things they do to us. We are to treat others as we wish to be treated, and we are to allow others to stand in judgment of their own actions and words. 

 

I think that if you're here (or anywhere) looking for someone to say "yeah, right on, man! stick it to him!" you're not going to find that. This site is mainly asexual people, and whether we agree with your husband's words or methods, we still have a great amount of empathy for him, because many of us have been in his shoes.

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Mary Lambert
18 minutes ago, Dj91 said:

Just because someone is asexual, it does not mean they went into a relationship or marriage on false pretences. They may not know what they are. They may overestimate what they can actually do in a relationship. Things may change as they get older.  Sometimes nobody is to blame. 

 

Hurting him helps noone. It won't help you. It will hurt him and it will hurt your kids. Also isn't an eye for an eye quoted in the bible a few times? Hurting someone does not help anyone. 

Yes,  you are very right. Two wrongs don't make a right, however he was 34 when we got married. He thought he could fake his way through it. Bad move. But yes, my ranting is just that. I love him sooooo much. He is adorable and sweet and super funny. He is the best dad and a great provider. He helps me with everything. I really don't think I would have it so good without him. I love his family (his family does not know) (my family thinks he's gay) and the kids just think he is the greatest parent ever, but I appreciate your sweet response. Thank you

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Mary Lambert
6 minutes ago, .Lia said:

Being mad is fair. Taking vengeance is not for you to decide. Christianity teaches us that it is not for us to judge others, even despite the cruel things they do to us. We are to treat others as we wish to be treated, and we are to allow others to stand in judgment of their own actions and words. 

 

I think that if you're here (or anywhere) looking for someone to say "yeah, right on, man! stick it to him!" you're not going to find that. This site is mainly asexual people, and whether we agree with your husband's words or methods, we still have a great amount of empathy for him, because many of us have been in his shoes.

Yes, and I would not want it another way :)

 

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Mary Lambert
12 minutes ago, Zenzencat104 said:

Absolutely NOT, the ends do not justify the means, just because you have been treated badly does not mean that you yourself should cause more pain to other people, it makes you just as bad as the one who has done this to you.

I didn’t seek revenge towards the person who sexually assaulted me, I wanted to make sure that they would never do that to anyone else and to become a better person, because being stuck in prison for many years, and then not being able to get a job, no one thinking of you well, and eventually living on the streets begging for help is what could happen to them; even if they learned their lesson.

I did not want that for anyone.

Yes, I agree. Sorry that happened to you. It happened to my mom and sister both. Many blessings. you are a sweet person, I can tell. 

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BessTheLandlordsDaughter

Mary,

 

I understand that the two of you went to some sort of marriage counseling. Have you considered going to any personal counseling sessions to help you with your feelings of hurt, grief, and anger? You seem like a nice person in a lot of pain who doesn't know how to get out of the circle you keep running in. I really suggest you be kind to yourself and consider the guidance of a professional who can offer more coping mechanisms and communication options. You should not have to feel like your only options are resentment and hurt.

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Mary Lambert
19 minutes ago, BessTheLandlordsDaughter said:

Mary,

 

I understand that the two of you went to some sort of marriage counseling. Have you considered going to any personal counseling sessions to help you with your feelings of hurt, grief, and anger? You seem like a nice person in a lot of pain who doesn't know how to get out of the circle you keep running in. I really suggest you be kind to yourself and consider the guidance of a professional who can offer more coping mechanisms and communication options. You should not have to feel like your only options are resentment and hurt.

Bess, yes, I have recently gone through personal anger management counseling. It is good. My counselor is on speed dial and I set up appointments when necessary, but thank you for your suggestion. I just recently realized my husband is not gay but Asexual as few days ago. He told be he was Asexual/bisexual last year after many years of trying to figure it out, but I just assumed he was gay, just trying to hide it. He does engage in porn at times. I have never seen it, he told me. A while back about 10 years ago he was caught on a gay chat site with his picture up (he was in his boxer shorts). He has chatted with gay men in chat rooms before. So I had reason to believe he was gay, but now I really think he is what he says he is. 

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1 hour ago, Mary Lambert said:

Sorry, not sure how to post reply with out hitting quote, yet. Thank you. I am with you. I am older too. So leaving is so easy to say, isn't it? We have kids and a life. He is awesome. I just wish he would have been honest and spared us all the pain when I was younger. I had a chance with someone else, many others. I was not hurting for a boyfriend. I had a lot of options, now I do not. Plus leaving hurts so much, he is part of me. I just want to bitch and gain insight and feel like I am not alone. I also want to cause him pain from time to time, but that is my prerogative. :)

This is really bad for older people in long term relationships.  I honestly didn't know that asexual people existed until fairly recently - it was just not something I was aware of.  I saw people as somewhere on the gay / straight scale, with various levels of kinky interest, but I just didn't know that people who didn't want sex existed.

 

In a similar way I think my wife doesn't know that many women *do* want sex.  She grew up believing that sex was something that women did *for* men, and that a man who loved her wouldn't expect her to do that sort of favor for her very often.  Since she personally didn't want sex, she just assumed and still assumes that women in general don't want it - and working from that mindset she can't really be convinced otherwise.  Nor would it matter - what matters is that *she* doesn't want sex. 

 

I also had options when I was younger.  Even had options fairly recently.  Even now a good female friend of mine is getting divorced. I like her, and I can tell that she is attracted to me. It would be so easy - say goodby to my wife, and have a happy passionate sex life with this other woman - who I quite like. 

 

But I can't hurt my wife like that - she just wouldn't understand, would see it as a horrible betrayal.  I can't stand to hurt her.  Also, in real life, I would be giving up all that is good in my marriage (and there is a lot of good!), in return for sex a few times a week. Is that really sensible?

 

But the rejection still hurts.  Its is impossible not to feel resentment for being denied an important part of my life - by someone who doesn't, and never will understand how she has hurt me. 

 

So I stay, and I don't let her know how I feel - because it can do no good. She can't be what I want her to be. 

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Mary Lambert

Do you have kids? Would you feel like your kids would not understand and you would be the bad guy?

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How old are your kids, Mary?

 

A close friend of mine, a father of two young boys (less than five years old) recently divorced from his wife. The details and the drama behind that story aren't mine to tell, but I remember him saying that it was important to both him and his ex that their kids learn about love and happiness through their example - while they loved each other, they couldn't stay together and chose to be apart for their own happiness. I think it's a wonderful way to turn a potentially dramatic and negative experience into a positive lesson for the children. 

 

On the other hand, I have another friend who is unable to contemplate divorce because of her beliefs, regardless of how hard her husband makes it for her. She's Christian as well, and despite the urging of her friends she doesn't see divorce or separation to be a way to fix any of the problems in their relationship. They also have a young child, ten months old. 

 

Each relationship and each situation is different, just like yours. It sounds like your husband can say some really nasty stuff without realising how you take it, but it also sounds as if he's generally a pretty great guy and someone you're quite in love with. Going back to the question in the topic though, I'd like to know how he does express his love for you? How does he want to be intimate with you, in what ways?

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Mary Lambert
4 minutes ago, Jarle said:

How old are your kids, Mary?

 

A close friend of mine, a father of two young boys (less than five years old) recently divorced from his wife. The details and the drama behind that story aren't mine to tell, but I remember him saying that it was important to both him and his ex that their kids learn about love and happiness through their example - while they loved each other, they couldn't stay together and chose to be apart for their own happiness. I think it's a wonderful way to turn a potentially dramatic and negative experience into a positive lesson for the children. 

 

On the other hand, I have another friend who is unable to contemplate divorce because of her beliefs, regardless of how hard her husband makes it for her. She's Christian as well, and despite the urging of her friends she doesn't see divorce or separation to be a way to fix any of the problems in their relationship. They also have a young child, ten months old. 

 

Each relationship and each situation is different, just like yours. It sounds like your husband can say some really nasty stuff without realising how you take it, but it also sounds as if he's generally a pretty great guy and someone you're quite in love with. Going back to the question in the topic though, I'd like to know how he does express his love for you? How does he want to be intimate with you, in what ways?

Well thanks for asking, Jarle. My kids are 13 and 10. We are 50. He buys me stuff, like a new car and a wonderful house.  He is always taking care of the kids. I do the majority of the housework. He hugs me a lot and never forgets birthdays and mother's day. Spoils me rotten. But I work super hard for the family too. We are both work-a-holics. But he is nice to me. He can of course never say you look beautiful. He sleeps far away from me and I want separate beds and  that bothers him that I want that. I want to distance myself as much as possible. It's my way of protecting my feelings and at the same time paying back his rejection for rejection. He no longer says hurtful things, that was years ago when I actually wanted to sleep with him. 

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1 hour ago, Mary Lambert said:

Do you have kids? Would you feel like your kids would not understand and you would be the bad guy?

That can be a huge problem in these situations. "mommy is leaving daddy because he won't have sex with her....".   

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Revenge, and the drive to hurt someone- nah never works out well, and never actually makes you feel better either, no one wins.

Trust me on this. 

 

And why do we strive to hurt someone else? Because we feel like they owe us their pain since they caused ours? Does it actually make us satisfied 

to see the stricken look upon their faces? For most cases, the answer is ...no. At least from my experiences and from the ones I've witnessed 

negative energy meeting negative energy doesn't cancel each other out, it adds on and makes things worse. You will feel worse when the damage is done, 

and usually by that time there is no way to take the actions back.

 

Does hurting someone else and lashing out at them make us feel like we've regained any power that we may have lost in the relationship? Usually again... no. 

Lashing out at a partner can drive them to see you in a new light, and then they might be the one that leaves you (not a good feeling). 

 

So, my suggestion would be, take up a kick boxing class, or an art class, wherever you think you can best direct this anger and passion building up (and learn something new while at it), then I would suggest to calmly and seriously consider ending this relationship. If it is making you unhappy then you should move on from it. After all you only have one life (unless you believe in reincarnation which I'm assuming you don't since you say you're christian) so live it fully and happily right? And then with your mind fully set and decided, calmly talk to your husband about the best way to end things for your kids. This way you keep your power, your kids aren't always sensing bad tensions between two people that they love dearly (kids are smart they will pick up on this stuff) and you can find someone else who will truly work well with what you need (no it's never too late a family member of mine who is in her 80's just got married to the man she'd been dating for a few years). 

 

Good luck.

 

 

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Mary Lambert
1 hour ago, uhtred said:

That can be a huge problem in these situations. "mommy is leaving daddy because he won't have sex with her....".   

Yah, they would never understand that one. :)

 

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