Advice needed for difficult situation..

[BluePanda]

Hey so, I'm feeling the need to talk about my asexual/ sexual relationship with people who have been through/ are coping with similar situations!

 

I've been dating my partner for 3 years, who for the past 2 has realised they are asexual (sex- neutral but body image issues= possibly no sex ever). So I have largely been able to cope with the lack of any sexual activity, as my partner is a perfect match in all other ways. Recently, she semi- broke up with me (not fully as we live together and are still affectionate) as my mental health problems drove her to pursue emotional intimacy with others and we fought over this and our compatibility. However, she has stated now that she wants to be in a relationship again, but says she cannot guarantee she won't be emotionally intimate with others (she's poly in this respect despite our agreement to be monogamous). When I suggested the possibility of me having sexual partners, she was definitely not down with this as she would feel left out. Whilst I respect this, it feels a bit hypocritical that she cannot guarantee emotional monogamy but expects sexual monogamy from me? Don't get me wrong here though, I do not particularly enjoy the prospect of polyamory (a personal preference), but the situation feels a little unbalanced? Or i may be overreacting.

 

In terms of compromise, we have discussed the possibility of exploring her personal (TMI warning) BDSM kinks, whereby my partner is dominant and instructs masturbation without any touching, or position power play with no contact, but again, she is unsure whether this could ever happen due to her body image problems. Also, I also have a strange relationship with sex (mild past trauma and self esteem), so I genuinely wonder if I could actually be triggered by any dominant play where I am vulnerable

 

Whilst I absolutely adore my partner, and a lot of the time I am content with the prospect of celibacy, I tend to experience low points where I wonder if we are compatible long term. I really don't want to end up resenting her for something she really can't control, but she is just perfect for me in all other areas and I really love her so at the same time I want to try./. Does anyone else have a similar situation/ can offer any advice going forward?

[NickyTannock]

I wish I could give you experience-based advice, but I've never been in a relationship.

I also don't know if emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy are equivalent since I haven't experienced either.

 

With that in mind, I'd set compromises aside for a moment to discuss with her the kind of relationship you both want.

Because you both seem like you want a relationship, but evidently aren't enough for each other.

And you're both looking for a way to fill that void without hurting the other person, with great difficulty.

 

My advice then is to look for a way to close that void instead of filling it with compromise.

To find the issues for yourselves that you need to overcome to become closer, and help each other to overcome them.

[anamikanon]

If you are currently semi-separated with the possibility of being back in a heavily unequal non-sexual relationship, I'd advise refusing. She seems to be setting the rules unilaterally and in a manner that guarantee your sexual frustration, while she is able to seek whatever relationship she chooses outside. This is not fair. It is, in fact the sign of a partner who believes you want them more than they want you, so see no need to offer fairness or undergo any discomfort to accommodate your needs.

 

I would recommend going ahead with a proper separation and seeking a relationship of your preference - mono/poly that is mutually respectful. Alternatively, you could continue your semi-separation - sharing a home without sharing a relationship - and pursue your relationships, as she had pursued hers. If you are not in a relationship currently, there is no reason why you have to ask her whether you may, just as she pursues her own relationships. It is not common practice to ask a flat mate whether you can date people.

[Guest]

1 hour ago, BluePanda said:

she has stated now that she wants to be in a relationship again, but says she cannot guarantee she won't be emotionally intimate with others (she's poly in this respect despite our agreement to be monogamous). When I suggested the possibility of me having sexual partners, she was definitely not down with this as she would feel left out. Whilst I respect this, it feels a bit hypocritical that she cannot guarantee emotional monogamy but expects sexual monogamy from me?

Heck no! I can't stand this kind of double standard regardless of the orientations of the people in the relationship. She shouldn't get the intimacy she desires with other people (emotional intimacy, which can be just as important as sexual intimacy for a sexual person) while not allowing you to get the intimacy that you may desire with others. That, to me, is no different than someone saying 'I can screw whoever I want but you have to remain monogamous to me'.. totally not cool. I think regardless of how compatible you are in other areas, it's very selfish of her to want something for herself to make her happy, yet place restrictions on you having something that is in effect, the same thing (intimacy with other people, just in a different from).

 

1 hour ago, BluePanda said:

I tend to experience low points where I wonder if we are compatible long term. I really don't want to end up resenting her for something she really can't control,

I don't think it's the asexuality you may end up resenting her for, but the lack of ability to empathize with your position and her clearly extremely hypocritical standards on who can have what kind of intimacy with whom. That's so far from okay that she's said she'll seek emotional intimacy with others but won't allow you to seek out sexual intimacy (whether or not you COULD bring yourself to do that is a different thing, but she should be able to say ''I'll let you try it so we can see if it helps you feel happy''.

 

14 minutes ago, anamikanon said:

I would recommend going ahead with a proper separation and seeking a relationship of your preference - mono/poly that is mutually respectful. Alternatively, you could continue your semi-separation - sharing a home without sharing a relationship - and pursue your relationships, as she had pursued hers. If you are not in a relationship currently, there is no reason why you have to ask her whether you may, just as she pursues her own relationships.

I agree with this comment @BluePanda. I normally wouldn't recommend separation based SOLELY on asexuality/sexual compatibility issues, but it's her total inability to take your needs into consideration while actively saying she'll go out and get her own needs met that is setting off flags for me. You need to be free to pursue a relationship with someone who will show you respect, love, caring, and kindness, and who won't be a hypocrite about who can and who can not get their emotional needs met elsewhere!

[iff]

4 hours ago, BluePanda said:

However, she has stated now that she wants to be in a relationship again, but says she cannot guarantee she won't be emotionally intimate with others (she's poly in this respect despite our agreement to be monogamous). When I suggested the possibility of me having sexual partners, she was definitely not down with this as she would feel left out. Whilst I respect this, it feels a bit hypocritical that she cannot guarantee emotional monogamy but expects sexual monogamy from me? Don't get me wrong here though, I do not particularly enjoy the prospect of polyamory (a personal preference), but the situation feels a little unbalanced? Or i may be overreacting.

I don't think you are overreacting in this regard. I think if she can pursue open intimate relationships, in fairness you should be too

[vega57]

11 hours ago, BluePanda said:

Recently, she semi- broke up with me (not fully as we live together and are still affectionate) as my mental health problems drove her to pursue emotional intimacy with others and we fought over this and our compatibility.

DO NOT BUY THIS NONSENSE.  You did not "drive" your partner to do anything.  Your partner always had other choices other than what she did.  The fact that you may have 'mental health issues' doesn't cause anyone to become emotionally intimate with someone else.  Their lack of character is what causes them to do this.  

 

Quote

...but says she cannot guarantee she won't be emotionally intimate with others (she's poly in this respect despite our agreement to be monogamous).

If that's the case, then there IS no 'agreement'.  

 

Quote

When I suggested the possibility of me having sexual partners, she was definitely not down with this as she would feel left out.

This is your 'red flag'.  It's your signal to get out NOW.  Even if you were able to convince her that she's being hypocritical and she agreed to remain 'monogamous' to you, she won't change her basic 'core'.  Trust me on this.  She is very arrogant in her beliefs.  All for her and none for you.  She 'deserves' faithfulness from you, but refuses to give faithfulness to you.  This is obviously unfair, and she doesn't have enough empathy to see that it's unfair and behave accordingly.  

 

Quote

Whilst I respect this, it feels a bit hypocritical that she cannot guarantee emotional monogamy but expects sexual monogamy from me? Don't get me wrong here though, I do not particularly enjoy the prospect of polyamory (a personal preference), but the situation feels a little unbalanced? Or i may be overreacting.

Overreacting?  No way.  In fact, you're not acting 'appropriately' enough!  Broom her to the curb...

 

Quote

In terms of compromise, we have discussed the possibility of exploring her personal (TMI warning) BDSM kinks, whereby my partner is dominant and instructs masturbation without any touching, or position power play with no contact, but again, she is unsure whether this could ever happen due to her body image problems. Also, I also have a strange relationship with sex (mild past trauma and self esteem), so I genuinely wonder if I could actually be triggered by any dominant play where I am vulnerable

Umm...forget about your sexual 'tastes' right now.  Her character is at play here.  

 

Quote

Whilst I absolutely adore my partner, and a lot of the time I am content with the prospect of celibacy, I tend to experience low points where I wonder if we are compatible long term. I really don't want to end up resenting her for something she really can't control, but she is just perfect for me in all other areas and I really love her so at the same time I want to try./. Does anyone else have a similar situation/ can offer any advice going forward?

You seem to be willing to 'give' a lot more than you'd be 'getting'.  As for you being compatible long-term, the answer is probably 'no'.  You're already having issues with her ability to remain faithful to you.  

 

And by the way, she CAN control herself.  She simply chooses not to.  

 

 

[Philip027]

Quote

However, she has stated now that she wants to be in a relationship again, but says she cannot guarantee she won't be emotionally intimate with others (she's poly in this respect despite our agreement to be monogamous). When I suggested the possibility of me having sexual partners, she was definitely not down with this as she would feel left out. Whilst I respect this, it feels a bit hypocritical that she cannot guarantee emotional monogamy but expects sexual monogamy from me? Don't get me wrong here though, I do not particularly enjoy the prospect of polyamory (a personal preference), but the situation feels a little unbalanced? Or i may be overreacting.

If it looks like a turd and smells like a turd and flashes neon warning lights like a turd, then well...

[bumblebre]

7 hours ago, vega57 said:

This is your 'red flag'.  It's your signal to get out NOW.  Even if you were able to convince her that she's being hypocritical and she agreed to remain 'monogamous' to you, she won't change her basic 'core'.  Trust me on this.  She is very arrogant in her beliefs.  All for her and none for you.  She 'deserves' faithfulness from you, but refuses to give faithfulness to you.  This is obviously unfair, and she doesn't have enough empathy to see that it's unfair and behave accordingly.  

This this this this THIS. Absolutely. I agree with everything vega is saying. Orientations be damned, this is unacceptable in any relationship for any reason. She is being selfish and cruel, and you deserve to be with someone who will take your feelings into consideration. If she feels that she can do whatever she wants with whomever she wants, but expects you to remain completely monogamous, she’s manipulating you, and you need to get out. She’s already been gaslighting you, blaming her actions on your mental health issues, and combined with this total lack of respect for your needs and emotions, it’s too much. This is a situation that, as someone who has been in an abusive relationship in the past, sets off several warning bells in my mind. Please, do yourself a favor, and cut all ties.