paradoc Posted March 19, 2018 Share Posted March 19, 2018 ... the idea has been on my mind since learning about asexuality. I've never had an interest in sex or dating before, but the scientist part of my brain keeps saying: "Well, you've never tried - you have no data - how can you draw a conclusion?" Has anyone given a hookup a shot before? How did it go? What did you communicate to your partner? Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted March 19, 2018 Share Posted March 19, 2018 Being asexual is not about whether you could enjoy sex or not (some aces actually can), it's more about whether you feel inclined to do it in the first place. I don't have to eat and drink out of a toilet to know I'm not interested in it. Also, hookups are an entirely different experience from an actual relationship and aren't likely to give you the same sort of experience anyway, so even then, your "data" on whether you could enjoy sex in that fashion may not necessarily tell you anything about whether you could enjoy sex with someone that you cared about (and who cares back) In other words, no, I haven't. Wouldn't do much good anyway, I'd be the entire time Link to post Share on other sites
Diamondace Posted March 19, 2018 Share Posted March 19, 2018 No, I have never been interested in a hookup. I don't even understand why some people want that. Even just the thought of it makes me cringe. Link to post Share on other sites
Masterman Posted March 19, 2018 Share Posted March 19, 2018 No, I would never try sex to "know if I like it". I know I don't. There are many things you know on an instinctual level. Like people who can tell they aren't interested in eating cockroaches before actually tasting them. Anyway, I understand that some can feel curiosity from time to time. I don't, though I admit I am curious about the notion of companionship. Link to post Share on other sites
Claire1983 Posted March 19, 2018 Share Posted March 19, 2018 I’ve done that several times before I knew what asexual was. In all instances I was drunk or I don’t think it ever would’ve happened. There was little to no communication with my partner. My experience was kind of awkward and clunky. It didn’t come naturally and I spent the entire time trying to think what I should be doing and it was kind of boring. If you don’t have an interest in sex and dating I don’t think you really need to try it out just to be sure. Sounds like you have a pretty good idea of your feelings Link to post Share on other sites
butterflydreams Posted March 19, 2018 Share Posted March 19, 2018 As someone who considered this not that long ago, I have to say I wouldn’t ultimately recommend it. I wanted to just hookup with someone and get it out of the way, but after discussing it here a bit, I realized that I was trying to self-destruct by doing it. The kind of loving caring that I really wanted wouldn’t be there. And what @Philip027 said is right. It wouldn’t be the right data point you’re looking for. Sex in a hookup context is very different from sex with someone that actually gives a shit about you as a person. But I do really understand wanting to have sex before you pass judgement on it. There’s thing wrong with that I don’t think. I want the same thing. In the end, I think I might be a sex tolerant asexual. I’ll allow it, and probably even enjoy the physical and emotional aspects of it, but I most likely won’t ever seek it out. You might be the same way, in which case, just waiting won’t do any harm. If you wait you’re more likely to end up with a good and accurate data point. I’m with someone right now who, while we haven’t had sex, I know they are supremely respectful of how I feel and my hesitation about being intimate with someone. I can’t imagine being with someone who wasn’t like that for my first time. It’s a great feeling being respected and cared about like that. Link to post Share on other sites
paradoc Posted March 20, 2018 Author Share Posted March 20, 2018 Thanks, everyone :-) @butterflydreams - thanks for sharing about your relationship. I've had a couple lousy dating experiences over the past month and have grown doubtful of whether such a relationship exists / how difficult it is to find. It sounds like you have something pretty special going for you :-) I haven't heard the term sex-tolerant asexual before ... I'll plead newbie ignorance, but will look it up. (So many terms! So little time!) @Claire1983 - oh man, I'm so glad you used "awkward and clunky" ... I'm 100% certain that that would be me. Link to post Share on other sites
butterflydreams Posted March 20, 2018 Share Posted March 20, 2018 14 hours ago, paradoc said: I haven't heard the term sex-tolerant asexual before ... I'll plead newbie ignorance, but will look it up. (So many terms! So little time!) I mean, I just made it up to describe how I feel. I don’t know if it’s a thing, or if it’s even still asexual. For all I know, what I’m calling sex-tolerant asexual could just be a sexual person. I can say I seem to be willing to engage in sex, though I’m not sure how much I personally enjoy it yet. It’s a nice thing to do for a partner in my mind. Link to post Share on other sites
SilentRose Posted March 21, 2018 Share Posted March 21, 2018 I did consider a hookup, and I went through with it. I knew it was stupid since I only had one date with him and no feelings, but I was so curious and I felt like such a weirdo for not knowing the first thing about sex. In the end...I both do and don't regret it. I'm happy in some ways because it led me down the path of discovering my asexuality and clearing up a lot about myself that I didn't understand. But at the same time, I knew it was stupid. He ended up being not abusive per se but a bit violent, and if you're a bit timid like me you have to be careful...a hookup is effectively a stranger, and with a stranger there is always risk. This person doesn't have feelings for you or care about you, and they may not care to tell you something important such as having an STD, being into dangerous things, etc. At the end of the day...if you have to do it, do it carefully. Don't forget to look out for yourself Link to post Share on other sites
Cinian Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 I have had two hookups. Both were in social situations where I felt extremely out of place and anxious, except for a guy who seemed to notice and give me a little attention and I really just needed the reassurance. I don't regret either time. One time didn't lead completely to sex, and the other time did. I guess I am "sex tolerant", as someone above coined the term. I honestly probably enjoyed it both times more than sex in my long-term relationships, maybe because I didn't feel obligated to have sex to maintain an important relationship but more solely for my self-centered reason (wanting comfort). I also lucked out both times that the guys I hooked up with actually were decent people who respected boundaries, and were probably pretty experienced in bed (hanging out with poly people has fringe benefits). Link to post Share on other sites
hward Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 On 19/03/2018 at 11:01 AM, Claire1983 said: I’ve done that several times before I knew what asexual was. In all instances I was drunk or I don’t think it ever would’ve happened. There was little to no communication with my partner. My experience was kind of awkward and clunky. It didn’t come naturally and I spent the entire time trying to think what I should be doing and it was kind of boring. If you don’t have an interest in sex and dating I don’t think you really need to try it out just to be sure. Sounds like you have a pretty good idea of your feelings That is the perfect way to describe my experience too! Regarding the original post, I was in the same situation of being curious about what sex was like because I'd never done it, or even come close, not even to kissing anyone before. I ended up having a hookup turned, well fling I suppose as it lasted a bit longer, but I felt nothing for him. Cue very awkward experiences as I tried to go through the motions. Since then I've literally been repulsed by even the thought of doing it again. It's only since I've done it that I've began to truly think I may be asexual, hence being a newbie here, but to be honest I really, really truly do regret doing it. It was so awkward it's embarrassing to even think of it, and I feel cheap and dirty and hate myself for doing it now. It doesn't help that he was a bit obsessed with wanting to have sex, consequence of hookup I suppose, and he had his own ahem, issue, that left me feeling unattractive and rubbish. Link to post Share on other sites
Claire1983 Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 4 minutes ago, hward said: t was so awkward it's embarrassing to even think of it, and I feel cheap and dirty and hate myself for doing it now. I understand that feeling! I sort of felt that too, but I think I talked myself into the "I'm a strong independent woman who should be embracing my sexuality" mind set and out the negative reactions down to my mother being a prude instead of my own disinterest. I'm a relative newbie here too. (don't let the post count fool you, I'm just a nervous talker) I still don't regret doing it, but I do regret that I was unable to learn about asexuality until I was in my mid 30's and that I wasted so much of my life feeling like a failure with emotional issues. But once I do figure this out (assuming I am asexual) this experience makes me want to be as vocal and visible as I can so that maybe some poor 20 something will be spared a decade of the doubt and self loathing that I went through. Link to post Share on other sites
hward Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 @Claire1983 Oh god, don't even get me started on the mother issues, just another reason I ended up feeling so crap afterwards. Link to post Share on other sites
FallenAngel9799 Posted March 25, 2018 Share Posted March 25, 2018 Ever since my first sexual experience, I had a disgust for any sex that didn't have any strings attached - that is, free of emotional connection. That includes - you guessed it - hook-ups. Even then, it's hard, if not impossible, for me to be drawn/attracted to women sexually, despite me desiring sex every now and then, so I'm thinking if I could identify as a gray demisexual instead of just demisexual. If you want to have enjoyable sex with me, you better discuss with me first how and where sex will fit in our relationship - and that's assuming we are in an intimate romantic relationship. Affirmative consent (which majority of the time I would be the one asking) is a must if I were to enjoy sex and the after-sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Lovemate Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 Well, I think that if such a thought appeared in your mind, that could be just a sign of a subconscious desire. In any case, you won’t know until you try. So, if you'll ever make up your mind, I can suggest you websites like Benaughty. It allows you to register for free, browse users accounts and chat with someone you like. Btw, this site the most visited one relying on the data from Dating Top10 (https://datingtop10.net/hookup/). Also, there you can find other resources which are not worse than that. So, I'll leave it here in case if you’d like to try. Link to post Share on other sites
Dreamsexual Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 . Link to post Share on other sites
SorryNotSorry Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 Nope. Never understood why depositing my sperm in someone else should be so thrilling. Link to post Share on other sites
LonesomeCrow Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 The thought of some random person even touching me disgusts me. Link to post Share on other sites
lanxi Posted January 26, 2019 Share Posted January 26, 2019 i thought about it a few times, just like some of you here - to see what it's like and then finally decide how i feel about my sexuality. but i also know myself and i know that i wouldn't be able to do it... just thinking about doing it with a stranger disgusts me (wouldn't be able to stop thinking - has he made out with anyone else tonight? how many hookups has he had? STDs? what if he's not clean? EHHH). So personally i may think about it occasionally but I know that I won't be able to do it. on another note, has anyone thought how many times have 2 asexuals met for a hookup after which they decided sex wasn't their thing 😂 Link to post Share on other sites
Joe the Stoic Posted January 26, 2019 Share Posted January 26, 2019 3 hours ago, Ceebs. said: Non-ace. Link to post Share on other sites
QueenOfTheRats Posted January 26, 2019 Share Posted January 26, 2019 On 3/18/2018 at 11:01 PM, paradoc said: I've never had an interest in sex or dating before, but the scientist part of my brain keeps saying: "Well, you've never tried - you have no data - how can you draw a conclusion?" No, that's sex possitivity and the way were are socialized in modern society. The left brain will rationalize it though! As for you thread topic: yep I have. Wish I had not. None of it was fun, and some of it was downright horrible. Link to post Share on other sites
Squirrel Combat Posted January 27, 2019 Share Posted January 27, 2019 Yes, but not for sex alone. In fact a couple days ago I was nearly scammed and had to cancel my credit card out of precaution. Link to post Share on other sites
greynonomous Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 Did it, a couple times and for most Im regretful, though figuring myself out was worth it I suppose. If I had found a special type of person that ‘did it’ I would have been 100% not regretful though. Now, that was with me going in with a lot of baggage and expecting to find some magic ‘aha’ moment, and never thinking of ace as an option on the menu. Link to post Share on other sites
Xstatic Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 I don't think I could ever do it. Any time I've ever been to a bar or club and some random dude hits on me I get a panic attack and run for the hills screaming "nope nope nope nope nope!". Ironically if I know you I'll probably dry hump your leg while doing shots from your cleavage. It's like I go from 0 to 100. No in-between. 🤷 Link to post Share on other sites
batsy8 Posted February 5, 2019 Share Posted February 5, 2019 I did a few times and that's time I am never gonna get back in my life, so there's that... Link to post Share on other sites
Joe the Stoic Posted February 6, 2019 Share Posted February 6, 2019 Thought about it, but then who would hook up with me? I suspect this is only a pertinent question for the beautiful aces out there, haha. Link to post Share on other sites
Hermit Advocate Posted February 7, 2019 Share Posted February 7, 2019 I've thought about it and quickly decided that no, I don't want that. I am fully committed to my crazy cat lady future. I don't have time for hook ups. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Jetsun Milarepa Posted February 8, 2019 Share Posted February 8, 2019 Hookup? I haven't considered a date since 1988... Link to post Share on other sites
Noyzz Posted March 8, 2019 Share Posted March 8, 2019 I recently tried a hookup because I was questioning. I found them on tinder. The whole thing was just meh. I should have enjoyed it, the guy was conventionally attractive but it was just sort of a waste of time imo. If you really want to try having sex to see if you enjoy it try doing it with someone you know you'd be comfortable with. I have had sex and found it pleasurable in the past but for me it was more of a way of expressing affection than anything. Link to post Share on other sites
aaa123 Posted March 13, 2019 Share Posted March 13, 2019 Always thought about it and wanted to do it just to see what it would be like.. But I know that it'd be a waste of time. And I value my time. Link to post Share on other sites
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