How demisexual am I?

[FallenAngel9799]

I started ID'ing as demisexual (and much later as demiromantic) since the day that someone told me they were an asexual. I read about asexuality and I stumbled upon gray-asexuality and then demisexuality. The "hallmarks" for gray-asexuality in the AVENwiki page for gray-asexuality applied to me to some extent that made me question myself if I was either a demisexual or a gray-asexual. I've asked once in r/demisexuality if I was either a demi or a gray, and a demi in the said subreddit said that they relate to my responses to the "hallmarks" - and, seeing the resemblance between the reddit user and I, I started to identify as a demisexual.

 

I then stumbled upon this page, and I posted in the demisexuality forum about how they somewhat applied to me. The forum post hasn't been replied to, and seeing that this is a more active community, I might as well copy the post wholesale, and add some needed modifications, from the demisexuality forum to this forum.

 

1) You have mixed feelings towards sex

Two thirds of demisexuals are repulsed by or indifferent towards sex. Maybe sex is something you’re okay never having (even for the rest of your life), or maybe it even grosses you out. When the conversation turns to sex, you tune out, are confused about how to respond or participate, or just feel uncomfortable or awkward. Maybe you would like to have sex, but feel anxious about actually doing it.

Maybe you don’t masturbate often, if at all. Alternately, you are happy to please yourself through masturbation whenever it suits you, but you don’t understand why orgasms have to involve another person. Maybe when you think about sex, it makes more sense as an expression of love and intimacy than as a satiation of a craving, and you need an emotional connection to enjoy sex at all.

I am OK with never having sex for the rest of my life. However, sex never grosses me out if done in an appropriate context. When the convo turns to sex, either I tune out, or I simply go flawlessly with the flow - that depends on whether or not they are a trusted confidante or a casual friend. For me, bringing up the sex convo, even with a (hypothetical) partner, is awkward, but at the end of the day, how this convo will turn out depends on how much trust I have in them, and how skillfully I tackle the topic itself.

I have also found myself masturbating less and less often. I understand why orgasms may need to involve another person, and I am happy to please myself through masturbation as I see fit. Sex, for me, makes more sense as an expression of love and intimacy than simply as sating a carnal desire (even then, the physical pleasure that it brings CANNOT be overlooked if you want a good sex life, but I digress), and I have learned the hard way that I need a romantic emotional connection, coupled with preliminary discussion about how and where does sex fit in our relationship, and our fantasies, preferences, thoughts, feelings, fears, and boundaries, in order to enjoy sex at all.

 

Even then, I somehow feel that modern society is sex-saturated and highly sexually-charged, as if sex was the pinnacle of human pleasure. Sure, sex is pleasing both physically and emotionally, but I somehow feel that society has pretty much thrown out the emotional intimacy part.

2) The way you think about attractiveness seems to be different from how other people think about it.

This happens to a lot of school-age demisexuals: peers start talking about sex and crushes, and the demisexual senses a disconnect. Perhaps you can find people good-looking, or there’s a celebrity you admire. When asked about crushes, you deflect the question or give a made up answer. Or maybe you do have a crush, but are more interested in getting to know them and spending time with them than having sex with them. The word “hot” doesn’t mean much to you, especially when applied to real people.

Maybe you don’t have sexual urges, or you don’t get what the big deal is about watching porn or going to a strip club or putting up posters of half-naked, muscular people. Perhaps you find people much more attractive when dressed sharply, than when naked.

Yep. I do get disconnected all of a sudden when peers start doing the sex talk - but that depends on whether or not I have enough trust on them. Of course, I do find people good-looking, and when there's a celeb that I admire, it's more about their skill rather than their looks. I act pretty much awkward when asked about crushes, and I am more interested on getting to know my crushes and spending time with them than having sex with them.

I do have sexual urges, but I don't get why people go to strip clubs or put up posters of half-naked people. I find people as attractive when they are dressed as when they are naked.

3) You like the idea of sex or want to have it, but can’t think of anyone you’d do it with.

This experience is particularly common for demisexuals. You might be fine discussing sex with other people, or maybe you also watch porn and masturbate. Maybe you do get excited by sex scenes in movies, and maybe you’re excited by things like sex toys and lingerie. You don’t really feel like you think about sex differently than other people.

However, there’s just one problem. When you think about who you’d have sex with, you draw a blank. It’s like when you’re hungry and you open the fridge only to find nothing appealing. Maybe you go to parties and people watch, expecting one person to stand out as Sexually Attractive, but no one does, no matter how much you look.

By all counts, I am OK with talking about sex with people I trust a lot. I do get excited by sex scenes in movies. I get why people want to get sex toys, but lingerie doesn't make sense to me. However, if I don't have a serious romantic interest, I can't think of people I want to have sex with.

4) You view sex as an obligation, or have other reasons for doing it.

Perhaps you found yourself having sex with a past partner because you felt obligated, because sex was just “what you do” in a relationship, or because you thought you’d like it if you tried it. Maybe you focused on doing the right thing to please your partner, rather than really getting into it physically. Or maybe you found the sensations pleasurable, but just couldn’t connect with your partner.

I don't think of sex as a chore. My first sexual experience, however, was an eye-opening experience; I was ashamed why am I doing this to a person who I am not romantically interested/connected to, that my parents or anyone could catch me having sex or at least know that I am having sex with her...I wanted to keep my sex life with her a secret, and a painfully shameful one at that. Sure, the physical sensation was pleasurable, but the lack of emotional connection to my partner back then made sex shameful for me to do.

5) Flirting doesn't make sense to you.

Maybe it goes right over your head, or it makes you uncomfortable. The idea of flirting seems pointless—why do that when you can have a proper, deep conversation and get to the know the person instead? Maybe when someone gets flirty, you just have no idea how to respond and would prefer to run in the other direction. You feel frustrated that you can’t just talk to someone normally—why do they have to hit on you? Your friends point out that people were flirting with you or checking out out later, or you realize only belatedly. You tend to avoid situations, like parties or clubs, where you can expect lots of flirting, and if you do, you’re either on high alert or happily oblivious.

I am so fucking clueless about flirting. I just hate small, flirty talk - I want emotionally and intellectually stimulating, rich, and deep conversations. When somebody gets flirty to me, I am as dumb as a rock about how to respond. I am as oblivious as a rock about people flirting with me!

6) You’re nervous about dating and would prefer to date your friends.

Maybe you’d like to be in a relationship, but the whole casual dating thing doesn’t appeal to you. How can people have sex with someone after only a few dates? How can they have sex with someone they just met? Do people really expect sex on the first date? Yikes!

You can only do long term relationships, because you seek great emotional intimacy before getting physical, if at all. You find the whole idea of dating different people daunting or too much effort. The idea of dating your friends may make more sense to you because you only develop sexual feelings towards people you know well. Maybe you find yourself developing sexual attraction after becoming close friends with someone.

I do want a relationship, but I just have a distaste for casual dating. I can only do serious, long-term relationships, one where emotional intimacy and physical intimacy go hand in hand. I can't fathom dating multiple women at the same time! I find myself developing serious romantic and sexual attraction after being close acquaintances with someone - this happened a few times in the past: the first time being when I was 8, the second when I was 12, the third was I was 14, the fourth and fifth when I was 16; in fact, the vast majority my crushes were simply aesthetic squishes that quickly fizzled out!

7) When you do feel sexual attraction, it’s confusing and/or exclusive.

Because of their low frequency of sexual attraction, demisexuals may be confused when they do feel it. They may not recognize it for what it is. That warm fuzzy feeling when snuggling with a friend? Strange, but probably just the warm fuzzies… Right? For a demisexual, maybe the idea of having sex with the friend doesn’t seem totally terrible. In fact, it might be quite good. But with anyone else, it would definitely be terrible.

For some demisexuals, when they have sexual feelings for one person (like when they’re in a relationship), it’s impossible to imagine being attracted to someone else. They can’t imagine physically cheating on a partner, simply because they don’t find anyone else sexually attractive.

I don't get confused about why I feel sexual attraction. Though, for one thing, I can fathom myself having sex with my girlfriend or wife, but with strangers I met with a bar? NOPE! When it comes to having sexual feelings for a person, I can't ever fathom myself being sexually attracted to another aside from that person. I can't fathom myself sexually cheating on a partner at all! These days, I can't enjoy sex if we didn't discuss prior to having sex how and where will sex fit in our relationship, and our fantasies, preferences, thoughts, feelings, fears, and boundaries.

You tell me, AVEN, am I as demisexual as demisexuality goes?

[roland.o]

Hello @FrostByte, we're not allowed to assign labels to others. It's against the terms of service

 

 

Consider this: How long does it take you to build the level of trust that would let you feel sexual attraction towards someone? How deep does that trust have to be? How often did it happen that you reached that level of trust?

 

If it takes you so long that people that show an interest in you generally get tired of waiting and move on, then demisexuality is a very suitable label. If it's just a matter of dating the right person for a few weeks, you could also consider yourself a sexual who prefers to take things slowly and who isn't interested in casual sex. Or you could identify as demisexual, to let others know that you feel different. But beware the pitfall: not every sexual is into casual sex or wants to rush to bed. Are you sure that you're comparing yourself against a representative peer group?

 

You certainly experience aspects of demisexuality. But it's up to you to decide whether these are strong enough to let you fall out of the (allo)sexual category, or if you are just at the cautions side of that category. It's not our place to make that decision for you. If you consider yourself demisexual, you are welcome here. If you don't, you are just as welcome here. When I joined the demisexuality forum last year, and later here, I was also questioning myself. It's not uncommon, and you can always adjust labels as you learn more about yourself.

 

As for gray vs. demi, I consider demisexuality a subcategory of graysexuality. You can identify as both without confusing people by that

 

Cheers, and all the best!

[FallenAngel9799]

Hello @roland.o! Thanks for the tips, and the warning that we're not allowed to assign labels to others!

 

11 hours ago, roland.o said:

Consider this: How long does it take you to build the level of trust that would let you feel sexual attraction towards someone? How deep does that trust have to be? How often did it happen that you reached that level of trust?

 

If it takes you so long that people that show an interest in you generally get tired of waiting and move on, then demisexuality is a very suitable label.

See response #5:
 

"I am so fucking clueless about flirting. I just hate small, flirty talk - I want emotionally and intellectually stimulating, rich, and deep conversations. When somebody gets flirty to me, I am as dumb as a rock about how to respond. I am as oblivious as a rock about people flirting with me!"

 

I'd not even know if they are interested in me! However, it was only now that I realized, some people had an interest on me, one way or another,but I never picked up on it! In cases where there was mutual interest, I never acted up. So far, most of my crushes were squishes, and of my crushes, I only had 5 serious sexual/romantic interests, and all of them were formed only after I knew them after a little bit of time as acquaintances or friends.

 

12 hours ago, roland.o said:

As for gray vs. demi, I consider demisexuality a subcategory of graysexuality. You can identify as both without confusing people by that

Hmm...makes sense in my regard. I'll think of that.

 

Thanks, @roland.o