Test results say Grey Ace, but feels wrong...

[Silvi]

First off, apologies if I am in the wrong board, this is my first post. It's wonderful to see such a huge vibrant community however. To be honest it is frightening for me to explore this. I come from a very hetero background, went to a quasi-military school, and in a corporate job as a male, you're basically always subject to hearing about the other sex in ways I myself wouldn't talk about normally.

 

I'm in my early 30's and I've been through a half-dozen relationships none of which lasted longer than a year. They have always started very quickly. I've never had a relationship with a friend. This is something I'm trying to change. I have partial physical attraction to women. I have had occasional attraction to men, but never sexual, I did like the kissing however. I love kissing (women mostly). I also love cuddling. I am like a cat, sometimes I am fond of the person, other times I want to be alone...

 

So, I did a few of the online tests and I come out as a grey ace. I find that name super awesome but I have some qualms about it.... because.

 

When I was 12 I was introduced to porn by """friends""" and have been on/off hooked ever since. At first everything is fascinating, then you become pickier, and pickier, and pickier. It was like what Chris Rock said about it eventually turning into a need for a $30 cocktail. When I am in a relationship, I don't watch porn, not until the relationship starts to fade... 

 

I am not sure if it is me, or porn, or both but I feel I always find things I like about someone physically, and things I don't like. Even someone society would consider most "beautiful". And I've been with many types, sizes, heights, etc. But I was always more attracted to their story, their emotions. I also always needed someone, emphasis on need, to be able to share my emotions with. ** This is the confusing part ** As I understand it, demi-sexuals need to form emotional bonds first. Well for me, this wasn't the case, sex was almost always a physical need. And it was good sex in different ways. But as time goes on, I was not able to maintain the emotional attraction. Things I realized that others might call "deal-breakers" were ok for me, as long as I could also have an emotional connection, could have sex here and there. But as a relationship would progress, my sexual drive would lessen, I had to find ways to make it more interesting. Probably, I started off having sex too soon, and too much of it. Part of this also had to do with being on ships full of men, a sort of herd mentality...

I think I am a grey ace because there definitely times I am sexually attracted, but other times I am not. I feel I have to play MIND GAMES with myself sometimes because I am terrified of just saying, no I don't want sex. I've been programmed almost to want sex, which I do, but not like most men I know talk about it like.

 

I think I SHOULD become a demisexual, because I am a (secret) empath. But not an empath that will just be there and agree with everything you have to say. I love to listen, analyze, tell my point of view, or a similar story or experience, and basically make some proposals, a door, if there is one. I am an INFP, bordering on ENFP. I feel if I didn't act like an idiot the past 10 or so years, bragging about have sex with someone from every continent, I would be in a much better state to be able to be a good solid partner...

 

I have met someone who on an emotional and intellectual level, we can speak on the same level, we can attune, WITHOUT one or the other being dependent on the other. However, I feel she is much more of a full circle than I am, and if I don't figure out whether I am grey ace or demisexual, I won't achieve my full circle without hurting her...

 

Does any of this make any sense? Also, therapy is an absolute no for me for reasons I can't say...

 

TLDR

Multiple tests confirm I'm a grey ace, but I feel I ought to be a demisexual, though that might be due to idealism commonly associated with INFPs and being an empath...

 

 

 

[gisiebob]

...there is no test.

 

try putting a couple billion people into 16 different boxes and see how accurate your results are, your going from ten significant figures to two. your life is not four letters long, and your orientation is not determined by some online 20 questioner you found next to "what anime sword represents your aura color"

 

that being said, I am a big fan of flipping coins. I know what anime sword represents my aura's color. I read up on four letters and found things I could describe myself with-

 

wait, hold up. I found things I could describe myself with. huh. fancy.

 

but the thing about a coinflip is that the coin doesn't care. it's a piece of metal. you can pick it up and put it on it's other end, I hear magicians do this often. you can go back to that quiz, and change a variable. you too can be the demisexual you always dreamed of! and see, the thing is, well I already pointed it out

 

(a)sexuality is a description that you can describe yourself to others with. it isn't a perfect system (it is done through language after all) but it is a great way to try and inform others about how you see some of the world. it's finding something you could describe yourself with. the police no longer respond to calls alerting them to people who have sexually mislabeled themselves (still working on the gender, something about public restrooms? I fail to care) you can be the demisexual you've always dreamed of. it's fine. I'll even sponser you if you need it in the secret demisexual club meetings.

 

and! because you had to sit through all that, I assume, I will give you a present: greysexual demiromantic might be an ordering of letters you find useful.

[AceEllis]

Hello! Welcome to AVEN!

 

I agree with @gisiebob, online tests are not a good thing to base your sexual orientation on. What can help is exploring your feelings and learning some terminology. 

 

This link can help you learn more about the asexual spectrum and other questions: https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/123256-asexuality-sexual-orientation-lexicon-read-me/

 

Something you should know is that you can like sex and still be asexual. There is big difference between enjoying sex and sexual attraction. Plenty of aces (short for asexuals) are sex-postive, meaning they are open to sex.

 

Although I of course don't know you personally, from what you've said gray-ace sounds like it could describe you. And like what gisiebob said, demiromantic is another term to look up.

 

[Claire1983]

Online tests can be a good jumping off point but they’re so standardized that they can’t  cover all possible scenarios. I had the same experience but when looking at those tests I found the possible responses weren’t always lined up with my situation.

 

lile you I’m in my mid 30s and thought I was heterosexual for years partly because I didn’t know that asexual was a think and I think in large part due to the “herd mentality” effect you mentioned. I’m still trying to figure out exactly where I land on the spectrum, but it’s a much more complex thing that you can determine from a test. Again that’s a good jumping off point but I’ve found it more helpful to read people’s personal stories and compare them to my own. Good luck and welcome to AVEN. I’m still a newbie here myself but feel free to PM me if you need to talk!

[skepa]

 

On 3/18/2018 at 4:08 AM, Silvi said:

Multiple tests confirm I'm a grey ace, but I feel I ought to be a demisexual, though that might be due to idealism commonly associated with INFPs and being an empath...

Hey there, well I'm pretty sure many demisexuals, and grey aces are different but still use the same label, so you might just use a label that makes you feel most content and happy at the current moment.