Ace vs. demi: How do you figure this out when it's so hard to get into a relationship in the first place!

[wolf1992]

Hey guys, I've known for some time (before I even knew the words/labels) that I was at least gray-sexual. I've been leaning more toward full blown ace recently, but I always wonder if I might be demi-sexual and just never given the proper chance to realize it. I've never been in love and every "relationship" I've had (meaning a date or two...) has fizzled out largely due to my physical barriers (ex: one guy was all over me in the movie theater, another expected a kiss at the end of every date and I HATE kissing but tried it anyway to confirm that I HATED it). Otherwise I've kissed several men while drunk to try to flesh it out and it always felt like a chore or something to do while my friends where clearly enjoying it beside me at the frat parties. I've never gone past that so strictly speaking I am a virgin.

 

As far as relationships go, I go back and forth as to whether I'm happy single or whether I would like a life partner to travel the world with and move with the military with. Cohabitation is questionable to me but I figure if I REALLY love someone I can probably deal with my stuff being moved around if we communicate well (I'm a bit territorial lol...) I would love to have someone to share my hopes and dreams with and them return the sentiment likewise. But sometimes it just feels like so much pointless work in this day and age where everything is so damn sexual. 

 

I've also contemplated that I may just not be that into men. Masturbating and porn really aren't my thing (I've watched porn out of curiousity maybe once a month or so) and I picture men and women pretty equally at this point and have celebrity crushes of each gender. I do read some smut/fan fiction and enjoy it but largely from the buildup before the sex scenes than the sex scenes themselves. The idea of boning a stranger is simultaneously terrifying and mortifying to me, but I wonder if I'd feel the same if I were madly in love with that person. The only problem is, I cannot get that far into a relationship b/c I hate kissing so much and I'm worried that men will reject me outright if I admit that... And I have ZERO idea how to date women, even though I am very curious about it (of course, alot of women would reject me outright with my hangups as well). I think I would have to be pursued for that ever to happen. So how do you figure out if you ace or demi guys? Or hetero or homoromantic for that matter   (Just for label's sake, even if they don't really matter I'm curious!)

[Gldlynch]

Hey wolf1992

 

I guess the main thing that is always emphasised about demisexuality is the "experiences sexual attraction after an emotional connect is formed" bit. This 'emotional connection' doesn't necessarily mean that is has to always be kissing and such.

 

Dating someone is more than just the physical intimacy, it's about getting to know somebody on a much deeper level than any friendship. I'm not demisexual, so I cannot speak from experience but I assume the sexual attraction and desire grows from the intimate comfort which is experienced as the relationship is building. If people are demisexual, I'm sure they all discovered it differently, as every relationship is different, people's bonds develop at various paces.

 

I think patience is key. If you aren't comfortable kissing, communicate that and open yourself up to other forms of sensual intimacy perhaps. Then, as the emotional connection and comfort grows between you and your significant other, you may start feeling a sexual attraction. If it never develops, it may mean you are all ace, but if it grows or comes and goes, it must mean you are demi or grey-ace! Don't feel like you have to hasten through the process, go with the flow and your gut feeling.

 

Best of luck!

[njosnavelin]

You have a solid question.

 

I have the phrase, “how do you relationship?” Because I don’t know how it is done. It seems like magic and mysterious to me how people end up in them. I like the idea of everything a relationship offers, but I don’t have the interest to initiate anything beyond friends. 

 

I honestly do feel like there is someone out there who is strange, weird, slightly eccentric, a cast away, chill, level headed, exotic, I can bound with. If someone expects you to kiss or want to be kissed that is really on them not you.  I might not put myself in the best situations to find that person because I don’t date nor do I have an interest in that. 

[wolf1992]

njosnavelin, that's pretty much where I'm at. The few times I have branched out have ended up being super awkward and undesired and have made me realized I'd rather play videogames alone than date usually

Gldlynch such an insightful comment! Thank you for your input. I may just have to get better at communication for this upfront. 

[smallnsparky]

I cannot add much other than I know exactly how you feel. I've identified as ace for years, but occasionally I do wonder if I could have a demi leaning. 

 

Way back in my late teens, I did have a boyfriend and we messed around a little, but some parts I liked a bit (because I guess brains are wired to respond to stimuli) but I also felt so bored of kissing or touching after a little bit, and I was just 'hey can we eat pizza/watch a film/watch cartoons now?? Please???'

 

I think I could go for some level of intimacy, maybe, but I guess the trick is finding someone to balance that with, because while I do get the 'well if they like you they won't mind' thing, but I don't want to disappoint anyone I guess. There have now and then been people who catch my eye but I always feel so 'well...they're probably not on my weird little wavelength' and let it go, and then sit and write or read or play games with my friends. But then, I'll get that moment where I sort of do want someone around to co-parents a bunch of cats or dogs with and the cycle goes on.