does sexual attraction lead to romantic attraction?

[seall]

A friend (I'm assuming he's allosexual) said something along these lines once, that people who are in love often have their romantic feelings driven by sexual desire, although they may not want to admit that sexual desire drives their romantic feelings. My experience has been the opposite but I don't think I'm allosexual. I was wondering what allosexual people thought about his theory.

[Guest]

His theory is true for SOME sexual people, but certainly not all. For some sexual people (ie myself) I have absolutely no desire to have sex with anyone but once I've developed a romantic/emotional bond, a desire for sexual intimacy begins to develop only for that specific person. It's not super strong or anything, but when I'm close enough to them emotionally I can begin to enjoy the idea of certain sexual acts enough to actively want to do them with that person. I've met plenty of sexual people like myself (who only desire sexual intimacy as an aspect of romantic love) and plenty on the opposite end of the scale where they might become sexually infatuated with someone and through shared sexual pleasure (which may just be causal sex to start with) they slowly develop romantic attraction for that person. And of course there are lots of people in between who experience a mixture of those two extremes to a lesser degree. 

 

Then there are all the asexuals out there who experience romantic attraction just as intensely as any sexual person, yet have no desire to connect sexually with anyone no matter how in love they are. Those people kind of immediately prove your friend's theory wrong

 

 

 

[anamikanon]

4 hours ago, seall said:

A friend (I'm assuming he's allosexual) said something along these lines once, that people who are in love often have their romantic feelings driven by sexual desire, although they may not want to admit that sexual desire drives their romantic feelings. My experience has been the opposite but I don't think I'm allosexual. I was wondering what allosexual people thought about his theory.

I generally don't feel attracted to people for sex off the bat. There usually is some emotional and/or intellectual attraction/admiration that goes on first which results in a mutually enjoyable interaction and I feel liked and respected by them, I may feel something more (which is quite rare compared with all the interactions I have). I don't really identify as allosexual, but I think this is a grey area. Many people who identify as allosexual also describe something similar, except they can also directly feel sexual attraction as the initial pull in addition to how it happens with me.

 

Regardless, even if I am in a sexual relationship with someone for other reasons - say a high intellectual compatibility and extreme "like" for their company even if not heavily emotionally involved, sexual intimacy will result in emotional feelings for me. At least if it is repeated. At least for as long as it continues.

[Guest]

17 minutes ago, anamikanon said:

I generally don't feel attracted to people for sex off the bat. There usually is some emotional and/or intellectual attraction/admiration that goes on first which results in a mutually enjoyable interaction and I feel liked and respected by them, I may feel something more (which is quite rare compared with all the interactions I have). I don't really identify as allosexual, but I think this is a grey area. Many people who identify as allosexual also describe something similar, except they can also directly feel sexual attraction as the initial pull in addition to how it happens with me.

 

Regardless, even if I am in a sexual relationship with someone for other reasons - say a high intellectual compatibility and extreme "like" for their company even if not heavily emotionally involved, sexual intimacy will result in emotional feelings for me. At least if it is repeated. At least for as long as it continues.

Over the years on AVEN I've heard many 'allo'sexual people describe feelings exactly what you're outlining here (like without the initial sexual 'pull' I mean). I wonder if some people just get this perception that the vast majority of people feel an initial sexual 'pull' (or whatever) towards the appearance of others because the people who do experience that are generally the most vocal, and that's most often the type of sexuality portrayed in books and movies etc? Yet when you talk to people online in a forum like this (or any more in-depth discussion forum) you'll often hear of a lot more experience where it often needs to begin as something more emotional (or at least personality-based) before moving to a state where more actual sexual desire is involved. Most recently, I heard Tele saying he at least needs to know someone a bit better (like their personality etc) before he can actually want to have sex with them, but that's just the most recent example I've seen of someone considered 'allo'sexual saying that though.. there have been many over the years.

 

(a lot of people expressed issues with the term 'allo'sexual a few years back, which is why we cut it down to just saying sexual. I've noticed the term making a bit of a come-back over the last few days though!)

[anamikanon]

54 minutes ago, FictoVore. said:

Over the years on AVEN I've heard many 'allo'sexual people describe feelings exactly what you're outlining here (like without the initial sexual 'pull' I mean). I wonder if some people just get this perception that the vast majority of people feel an initial sexual 'pull' (or whatever) towards the appearance of others because the people who do experience that are generally the most vocal, and that's most often the type of sexuality portrayed in books and movies etc? Yet when you talk to people online in a forum like this (or any more in-depth discussion forum) you'll often hear of a lot more experience where it often needs to begin as something more emotional (or at least personality-based) before moving to a state where more actual sexual desire is involved. Most recently, I heard Tele saying he at least needs to know someone a bit better (like their personality etc) before he can actually want to have sex with them, but that's just the most recent example I've seen of someone considered 'allo'sexual saying that though.. there have been many over the years.

 

(a lot of people expressed issues with the term 'allo'sexual a few years back, which is why we cut it down to just saying sexual. I've noticed the term making a bit of a come-back over the last few days though!)

I can't really comment on this, because I am very picky about sexual relationships overall, though ethically, I have absolutely no issues with sex whenever desire hits. For me, it is also complicated by my being asocial - hard to get into bed with someone when you don't meet anyone to begin with. But I have had partners who have admitted to feeling attraction based on how I looked or acted when they first met me - this is also not simple, because I am a fairly compelling person overall, so that attraction could be intellectual/emotional rather than sexual.

 

Though I think you may be right. A lot of media is very fixated on sex appeal, and positive or negative vocalization about sexual attributes of women in particular tends to immediately draw attention. Whether it is an unwelcome catcall or someone who directly speaks or acts on sexual attraction - so it may be disproportionately represented in our perceptions.

 

Maybe someone who feels sexual attraction very quickly would be better qualified to comment on this though.

 

Edit: I just realized that most of my socializing happens with me being in something of a position of authority (because unless my presence is unavoidable, I simply won't go) - to that can also be a factor - I'm already in the spotlight and anticipated of sorts.

[Guest]

1 minute ago, anamikanon said:

I have absolutely no issues with sex whenever desire hits.

I'm really sick and really tired so I'm not reading so well right now, I thought you'd said 'I have absolutely no issues with sex whenever I desire tits' and I was thinking LOL, that's an interesting way to word it  I mean, at least PRETEND to be interested in the woman and not just her boobage, haha. Then I re-read your comment and was like 'ooooh that makes more sense now' heh.

[anamikanon]

ROFL

[Telecaster68]

It's not  that the sexual pull isn't there, it's just more like it's easily over ridden by other things as I get to know them better. I might still see how they were sexually attractive on a purely physical level, but if they had no sense in humour, I'd have no personal attraction to any sexual interaction, though for instance I might still enjoy looking at their arse in a sexual way. But I'd be no more drawn to the than that. Just not my type. On the other hand, a shared sense of humour will increase my physical, sexual attraction to a person. 

 

It can work the other way too - getting to know someone who I'm not initially drawn to sexually, and out of a connection that grows, becoming sexually attracted to them. Physical looks aren't that important, but I do have a kind of threshold. As a crude simplistic way of putting it, on the appalling, awful, 1-10 scale, it would be about a 3-4 - above that and I don't really care whether it's a five or a nine. That connection and making me laugh will always be more important. It's not even a conscious thought. I've just noticed I work like that.  

 

I suspect many men are like that, if you look at who they choose to be in a relationship with rather than who they make lecherous remarks about with their mates. 

[anamikanon]

1 minute ago, Telecaster68 said:

It's not  that the sexual pull isn't there, it's just more like it's easily over ridden by other things as I get to know them better. I might still see how they were sexually attractive on a purely physical level, but if they had no sense in humour, I'd have no personal attraction to any sexual interaction, though for instance I might still enjoy looking at their arse in a sexual way. But I'd be no more drawn to the than that. Just not my type. On the other hand, a shared sense of humour will increase my physical, sexual attraction to a person. 

This is the difference I was trying to say. I have never felt this. Finding someone sexually attractive without the rest of the deal, so to say. While you are able to see it the way I do (the overall thing - you describe as shared humor, etc) as well as on a purely sexual level.

[seall]

13 hours ago, FictoVore. said:

(a lot of people expressed issues with the term 'allo'sexual a few years back, which is why we cut it down to just saying sexual. I've noticed the term making a bit of a come-back over the last few days though!)

Thanks for your input about the terminology. I've heard both "sexual" and "allosexual" used on here and it's good to know how other people think of those terms. I wasn't on here a few years ago, so I missed those conversations.

[Guest]

2 minutes ago, seall said:

Thanks for your input about the terminology. I've heard both "sexual" and "allosexual" used on here and it's good to know how other people think of those terms. I wasn't on here a few years ago, so I missed those conversations.

Yeah it was aaaages ago, like back in 2013/14, someone made a thread saying 'Don't ever call us allosexuals' or something  As far as I know, 'allo' just means 'attracted to people outside of yourself' or something, it's the opposite of autosexual. But some people were interpreting the 'all' to mean like 'I f*ck anything!!' and were getting pissed off about that. It was just a word being used to differentiate sexual people of any orientation from asexual people, but after that thread people stopped using it. Then over about the past week or so I've noticed quite a few threads with the word 'allo' being used, but no one has complained yet so it may not be considered an issue anymore? I never considered it an issue personally, just seems easier to say 'sexual' because you have to type 4 less letters

[uhtred]

I think it varies a lot with the person. 

 

There is a (now ancient) song with the line "love is an angel disguised as lust".  I think sometimes that is true, but also sometimes "lust is a devil disguised as love".   For many sexuals the two are intertwined and very difficult to separate.  They may feel a romantic attraction to someone physically attractive, or a physical attraction to someone that they find romantically interesting. 

 

For me the two go together in a way that makes it impossible to say which came first.   For other people though (even other sexual people) I know that the two can be completely separate.