How to deal with my mom/Should I even come out?

[dimcat]

Hi everyone,

I have a question about my family and asexuality. I'm currently half way through my 18th year of life, I have never experienced romantic or sexual attraction to anyone. I learned about asexuality last year, and now I swing between being relieved and absolutely terrified. Lots of people of my age (I'm Russian, so it might be different in other countries), especially girls, speak about getting married. Hell, some of them are already engaged. My family members have started to mention romantic relationships and whom I might live my life with. The problem is - I swear to God I'm Ace. Moreover, I suspect I can also be aromantic. On top of that, I discovered that I am genderfluid. I can't imagine myself as a part of a classic nuclear family. The idea of pregnancy terrifies and grosses me out. Whenever I try to imagine myself having sex or bearing a child my entire being screams "NO, ITS UNNATURAL, STOP !". Biologically, I am a female, so my mom often talks to me about getting pregnant, being in a relationship, etc. It is creepy, gross, and almost unbearable. I know she wants the best future for me. But I don't want it like this. I came out to my brother as asexual, and he is doing a perfect job as my support. I'm open to my LGBT+ friends, I even met a demisexual person which is really comforting. Soon, I will come out to my brother as genderfluid. He already knows I'm somewhat tricky with gender, so I trust him with this.

But I really want my mom to understand me. I don't want her to be mad at me or pressure me. Once I mentioned that I may have one kid in future, but only through adoption. She was furious.

There is a plenty of awkward moments related to my mom's attempts to teach me heterosexual things. I love her, but God, I feel horrible. Like I'm betraying her or something. I don't want to be a disappointment. But I do want her to know. I'm sure my dad will not be pushy if I tell him. But mom...

What should I do? How to stop feeling guilty? I don't want pregnancy to be my responsibility. I don't want to be told that I will be happy to get a date. That I need to find a "right person".

Help me, please. 

[Sweet Potato]

sounds to me like you know the outcome wont be positive, I dont see a reason to come out to her at all, at least not right now. I dont know at what age things are normal or possible in your country, but could you wait until you have moved out on your own to tell her? Not living under the same roof takes a great deal of influence away from her and gives you your space and independance to assert your own path in life.

as for the here and now, please do not feel guilty! It is not your job to make your parents, or anyone else for that matter, happy. It is not your job to provide grandchildren for your parents, it is not your job to go on dates and get married. it is your job to be true to yourself and to pursue your own happiness. Tell yourself this anytime your mom tries to guilt trip you, or you start guilt tripping yourself.

 

When/If you do tell her try a few of these

• keep the focus on what you want/dont want and away from what she wants
• remind her that you know yourself best
• maybe have a support person like your brother there if you feel it would be helpful
• keep an escape handy. dont be afraid to walk away if your mother refuses to accept who you are

[AceEllis]

1 hour ago, dimcat said:

What should I do? How to stop feeling guilty? I don't want pregnancy to be my responsibility. I don't want to be told that I will be happy to get a date. That I need to find a "right person".

There's not a lot you can do about your mother. Unfortunately it seems to me that she wouldn't respect your asexuality or gender identity if you told her, so I personally wouldn't come out.

 

The main thing you should do is to remember that you don't owe her children or a son in law. It isn't your responsibility. Your life is your own and you choose how to live it. Choosing to live your own life is not betraying her.

 

If she presses you any further, remind her respectfully but firmly that it's your life-not hers. When she tells you need a date to be happy, or you need to find someone, let her know that not everybody is the same and different people have different needs. 

 

Yes, it's hard because you care about your mom and want to tell her what's going on your life and who you are. But if you do, you risk being hurt or disrespected. If you decide to come out, please make sure to have a support group to fall back on in case things go wrong.

 

But I don't know either of you or the whole situation. This is just my advice. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you happiness.

 

 

[RottenInDenmark]

hello  *hugs to you hope you'll figure it out

i think you should try, if you think it's necessary, so she will be less pushy about something you clearly don't want.

You know your mom best and you can might think of the best way to approach her, sit her down and talk calmly about it. 

if you come out to her', It might course her distress, the chance of her not believing you' or denying it on your behalf', because she might not want that life for you. Happens to a lot who comes out. But if you do, try make her see the person you are, and what you want.  Just Arm yourself with answers should you end in an argument with her. 

 

Like you are not a child. it's your life

The desire of a parent is to see their children well settled in their life and thus, having a hard time letting them choose what they consider an unhealthy lifestyle. but you know it's perfect for you' and would make you happy. and that is what should matter.

I'm sure she loves you, and have done her duty as parent. but it does not' involve pretending that the world stands still.  thinking they always know what is best for you. 

You are looking for her approval but you don't need it' or for her permission. Just remind her, You're still the same' even if you change in some ways, and you want something different out of you life, from what she is used to. Your love for her would not change. 

 

[Gldlynch]

Hey dimcat

 

Firstly, welcome to AVEN! Make yourself at home (:

 

To me it's always interesting... there are so many ace and aro people in the world, so we shouldn't necessarily feel "alone," but what makes it tricky are the cultural and social expectations. I'm sorry to hear that you are stuck in this is state of limbo, however it's really great to hear that your brother is supportive of you, I hope this positivity keeps going.

 

The situation with your mother... now it's key that your brother is a support system for you; even though you are the "queer" one, if you mother isn't the type to be easily won over it is important to have someone on your team. It can get tiring constantly sticking up for yourself, so having another family member as a super-ally is an amazing benefit, take advantage of that.

 

One excuse you could use is, being 18 is simply too young to know if you are ready for children (tbh, I don't think anyone is "too young to know" but let's play ball with this anyway). Mentioning the subject of adoption may have come as a shock for your mother, but perhaps softly bringing it up every now and again will ease the blow, she may grow fond of the idea eventually. Personally, I prefer adoption over having my own kids, and I just explain that the world is over-populated etc. People get bored of the subject and move on.

 

At the end of the day, she is your mother and you are her child. Parents want the best for their children, however it is usually more important to them to see their children happy and being themselves. Remember the quote, "there is a family you are born into, and a family you can choose." This is usually used for the LGBTQ+ community because some families cannot accept their own queer family members. We always hope that the family we are born into are also the ones who we would choose. Just emphasise that, living as a cis-het person isn't what is natural to you, we were all created and brought into this world for a purpose. You should not need your mother's approval to be yourself, tell her that you have always been this way and you will always be the same lovely person.

 

Best of luck!