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Joanimals

Support for nontraditional living arrangements

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Joanimals

Hi everyone. I'm new to this forum. My husband and I have been married for 9 years and have two daughters, one adopted and one through birth. We have had a lot of problems in our marriage but most of them stem from lack of intimacy, including sex. My husband has never been interested and he has recently told me he feels he's asexual. This year, I developed a relationship with someone else and we have all had to go through a painful awakening and transition around this whole situation. My husband and I love each other as friends and want to coparent together so we are going to try to live together with the man with whom I am now involved. My husband was the one to decide that he didn't want to give the marriage any more effort and moved into the guest room months ago. We all seem to be doing ok with the emotional issues which are rather daunting in themselves. But I am concerned about how we are going to explain this to friends and family and would feel so much better if we could talk to others who have decided to remain cohabitating in a nontraditional arrangement like ours. There must be some people out there who care about keeping their kids under one roof with both parents but also being able to model a loving relationship for the kids. I'm sure it's possible to model this in an asexual relationship but it was not in ours. Anyway, if anyone knows of a group that can help us get support for this, I'd appreciate the help and advice. Thanks, Jo

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Fayetje

Hmmm....

I'd just like to say that I think it's great that you all are trying to keep the family together. I think it would be better for the kids in the long run (speaking from experience: divorce sucks!): it'll give them a better sense of family, I think, if they live with both parents, even if the mother is involved with someone other than the father.

As for what friends and family think...I'm not sure what to tell you, but if it's successful, I don't really see why it should matter how other people see it. Sure, it's nontraditional, strange, etc., but it's a lot better than some situations which are more traditional. I don't think you should feel that there's anything to be ashamed of if friends/family ask: tell them the truth about the matter, and if they're worth your trouble they ought to be accepting. :)

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sonofzeal

Wow, uh, good for you guys for working it out! I'd have thought there'd be a lot of jealousy issues that would come out of an arrangement like that. But if it works, then yay!

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MaraKarina
Wow, uh, good for you guys for working it out! I'd have thought there'd be a lot of jealousy issues that would come out of an arrangement like that. But if it works, then yay!

Why would the husband be jealous if sex doesn't matter to him? The jealousy part is something my (asexual) husband never understands.

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ghosts
Why would the husband be jealous if sex doesn't matter to him? The jealousy part is something my (asexual) husband never understands.

Just taking a guess here, but although an asexual might not desire sex, if they are in a relationship with a sexual and the sexual wants to go somewhere else for sex, I think it's entirely possible that the asexual could feel jealous over this. Possibly fear that they won't be as important in their partner's life anymore.

There are some asexuals here that wouldn't mind their sexual partner to go elsewhere for sex, but I do know that there are some that would mind.

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zyralm

edit

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M51

Your situation seems pretty unique so I don't know that you will find something specific to it, but some of the tips here looked like they might apply:

http://www.xeromag.com/fvpolyguide.html

Here's just one:

"Do understand that your needs have nothing directly to do with your partner's other partner. It's usually more helpful to ask 'Am I getting what I need?' rather than 'Am I getting the same things as my partner's other partner?' "

Here's another site:

http://www.polyamorysociety.org/polyfamad.html

This one addresses all kinds of issues that might be pertinent: the effect of an alternative living arrangement on your kids, legal issues, housing, taxes....

Good luck. I am so glad that you are trying to do what is best for EVERYONE (especially the kids). I think too often kids get in the middle of things and we just end up screwing up the next generation. I suspect that as long as you and your husband and your new partner love the children and try to do what's best for them and are honest with yourselves and with them, everything will turn out all right.

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