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ashpenaz

Arousal vs. attraction--again

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ashpenaz

I realize that a lot has been written about arousal vs. attraction. Being asexual doesn't mean not experiencing sexual feelings, at least for me. I sometimes feel sexual--but they aren't feelings I would ever want to share with another person. I hope this comparison isn't offensive, but it's like having to take a poop. Every now and then, I get that feeling, "Oh, it's time to take a poop again." So I do what I need to do to take a poop. It's not something I want to do with another person! :)  It's not like I need to go to a bar a find someone to take a poop with. it's not like it's something I find romantic--"Oh, honey, I love you, let's poop together." When I watch people having sex on TV or in movies, it's like watching two people taking a poop together--I simply can't understand why they would find that enjoyable.

 

Attraction means you have sexual feelings and you want to share them with another person. Arousal is just the feelings with no desire to share them with anyone. Arousal is just some feelings that I have every now and then that I have to get rid of. Like a poop.

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MaeveTheRaven

Amen to that! :)

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ashpenaz

When I'm attracted to someone, I want to make them dinner, watch a movie with them, talk over coffee, take a walk--but I don't want to take a poop with them or have sex with them! :huh:

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Claire1983

Interesting metaphor, but very clear!

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Guest Jetsun Milarepa

Good analogies!:cake:

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SilentRose

I agree with everyone, fantastic analogy! I definitely relate to this, I experience strong aesthetic attraction and do get aroused from sexual things, but I'd never want to join in myself! :D

 

Agreed that just because you're feeling sexual doesn't mean you want to go find a sexual partner. Sometimes it's just something for you only. 

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Ms. Carolynne

Precisely how I feel about my libido lol.

 

Oh, and don't forget to clean up :o

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Telecaster68

Actually, and this revolting but needed to make the analogy more accurate, it would be like having a single joint poop, rather than parallel pooping. 

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SkyenAutowegCaptain
2 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

Actually, and this revolting but needed to make the analogy more accurate, it would be like having a single joint poop, rather than parallel pooping. 

Mutual botty wiping :huh:

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Telecaster68

A shared feeling of relief at the evacuation.

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SkyenAutowegCaptain

69 is well and truly off the menu (I hope) 

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Telecaster68

Wouldn't that be jointly puking and vomiting?

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SkyenAutowegCaptain

Quite probably 

 

*oops another thread gone down the pan *:P:P

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Telecaster68

It's good to keep the standard of debate up.

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Guest Jetsun Milarepa

The analogies didn't really need to be made more accurate!

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Telecaster68

Slightly less scatologically, my point was really that two people having a poo together is two people doing something separately, with separate experiences, just in the same space. They could do apart from each other without the experience being any different. Sex isn't like that.

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rach123

I dont understand how people like pooping together. I cant poop with someone. Its too personal to share that moment 

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SkyenAutowegCaptain

@Telecaster68, if that was intentional, big respect for that pun :P:P:cake::cake:

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Telecaster68

It must've been unintentional as that last post was a rare example of one of mine being pun-free, as far as I was concerned.

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ashpenaz

"Separate experiences in the same space"

 

That's what sex means to me, if it means anything at all. Attraction means you anticipate having a shared experience, a connection. I don't associate sex with connection. That's what makes it difficult for me, as an asexual, to explain what I mean by arousal. Yes, my equipment works. And it would probably work in the presence of another person. But there wouldn't be a connection. It would be like two people in separate stalls pooping at the same time. Sexual arousal doesn't mean I want to have sex with another person--it's just one more bodily function I have to deal with.

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Zoaea

Ackt! Mine eyes. 

 

As a nurse I found it easy to describe arousal as it's a biological process. It involves blood flow changes and chemical build ups. Even sextuals experience arousals unconnected with sextual desire. Same with orgasim, it's just nerve bundle stimulation. Were as sextual attraction seems to be all in the brain space (the brain then triggering arousal as a response to the attraction I think is what muddies the waters).

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Lonemathsytoothbrushthief

I experience arousal separately, but it's mostly a weird thing because it seems to be initiated by intrusive thoughts. So I just kind of wish it wasn't there lol.

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Shuichi

haha, even if this is a little odd, i can't think of a better way of describing it. i find the whole process of arousal to be incredibly gross and something i'd rather avoid, but as a hormonal teenager, it's sort of inevitable. i can't describe it to people without them being like, "wait aren't you asexual?" yes, i am, but i'm also trapped inside a flesh prison that's overflowing with hormones that i have no control over. i don't see sex as having anything to do with love or connection, and the idea that it's "necessary" to a relationship is just plain nasty to me. if other people feel differently, that's fine - i just wish the idea of sex being incidental to love wasn't shoved in my face every single day.

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Kaalogii

@Lonemathsytoothbrushthief That... is exactly how it is for me. I've never been able to explain why I can get aroused but not feel sexual attraction at all.  It mostly only happens with intrusive thoughts for me as well, and then I just have to deal with it, but it feels like a chore. I'm glad I read this thread and its analogies lol It might help me explain it better to my allosexual friends.

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Ayra Star

If I were to get feelings of arousal when looking at someone I find attractive, even though I don't want to have sex with them at all and feel no urge to, is that sexual attraction because it's people-based arousal? (sorry don't know if that made sense)

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kiaroskuro

Good question, Ayra Star.

And what if someone feels sexually aroused when being with someone they find attractive and longs to be close to them (sensual attraction or more) and frequently fantasizes about them, all the while knowing that actual intercourse would be out of the question because of being sex repulsed in some way or other?

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ashpenaz

My first experience of arousal had nothing to do with people. I read about people going through puberty and feeling suddenly attracted to people in a way they hadn't been before. I've heard from allosexuals that they suddenly started noticing body parts, for instance. They felt a sudden strange feeling about someone they might have just been hanging out with before. Their sexual awakening comes with a goal for their arousal.

 

My sexual feelings felt like a rush of undifferentiated  energy coming from nowhere and directed at nothing. It was like I was hooked up to some kind of electricity which had no outlet. My first orgasms were just releases of energy. The first thing I was attracted to--and I will say this without embarrassment--was being paddled by my junior high science teacher.  (Yes, they used to use paddles in my school. If you did something wrong, the teacher would take you out in the hall and hit your bottom with a paddle.) I was a pretty good kid, so I had to ask one of my teachers to paddle me! 🙄

 

The point is not to expose my Young Adult 50 Shades of Grey fantasies, it's to say my sexuality was energy without a goal. It would latch onto things, and then kind of move into a limbo. Even now, when I feel aroused, I have to figure out something to fantasize about. I have a set of standard fantasies I use, but they're not anything I'm interested in once I have my "release." I have the same capacity to be aroused as allosexuals, but I just don't have any direction or goal to my sexual energy.

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