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Roanch

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For those on this forum who don't understand that pain during sex can occur to anyone at anytime, there are a number of condtions which can develope causing pain. Cancer of the vagina, cervix, uterus and ovaries can all cause pain during sex, as can a number of different infections. Smear tests only pick up cervical cancer and don't pick up infections or imbalances in the PH. She may also have developed a problem with latex, which can cause pain during sex. Also, as she's had children, sometimes tearing during childbrith can result in scar tissue which over time tightens the vagina and this doesn't relax with lube. As for not going to the doctor, I have married friends who have several children and even though they've been through childbirth and all kinds of internal checkups, all of them (like myself though I haven't had kids) HATE going to a GP or gynacologist. It is not pleasent, comfortable, can be incredibly intimidating and a lot of women have a fear of going to see someone for this reason. If sex has become painful, then she may have developed a fear of sex, which I think is understandable. The pain during childbirth is not equateable to pain during sex. Post childbirth a womans brain produces a hormone to stop the woman remembering just how painful it was, this does not happen during sex. Instead in just hurts like hell. Take it from me, when you experience pain during sex,it can feel like you're being split in two. If you felt like that during sex then you wouldn't want to do it either. In my case it was caused by latex allegy, which developed suddenly after years of not having a problem with it. I'm not saying that she's not finding excuses or isn't ace, but please don't underestimate pain during sex, it's not just a little bit of discomfort.

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We’re talking a bit more now than for a long time and whilst it’s great to understand the other’s point of view we are still miles apart.  We spoke about how things were before we went to Relate 18 months ago.  She went to a 40th party with an elegant fancy dress theme. Months of effort went into these outfits and yes she looked fantastic, really sexy and I told her. Hair, nails, makeup, figure clinging dress. Although I didn’t need to tell her because certain physical chemical things happen in men’s body which show these feelings.  I texted her later that night to check all going well and also to tell her something like I bet you are the hottest looking girl there. So back to yesterday’s conversation. My recollection: at this point I’m really in a really good place, I have a sexy wife who drives me wild with desire, she’s happy as she’s out with her friends, dressed up which she likes, relaxed (there’s a few bottles of fizz), we’re getting on just fine, and I’m more than happy spending my sat night in looking after the kids and we’re doing daddy stuff. She must be happy I’m being a good dad and a good husband. And yes I can’t help it but My mind and body is thinking about sex later with my beautiful wife. Her recollection: really looking forward to a fun night out with friends, oh bloodyhell he’s turned on again, he’s only saying those nice things because he wants sex, I know we talked about a coming home time but I’m going to be really late hoping that he’ll have fallen asleep because I know he wants sex. 

 

So yes she ignored my text messages, no acknowledgment, no thank you, no mention she’ll be late, as she didn’t want to encourage me, and yes she came in really late, said she was really tired, took of sexy clothes in the bathroom (not in front of me), put on the comfy washed out pyjamas and went to sleep. Next morning (she can’t ever do sex in the morning) I went for a long jog along the beach in the rain (cold shower effect works) and then we’re carrying on our busy lives with the kids a little more distant from each other. 

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I'm sorry to be so blunt but your approach is off - and I'm not even talking as someone on the ace spectrum. You've said it yourself in previous posts - compliments like that are making her uncomfortable. She doesn't get pleasure out of them. They don't make her feel good. She's said so. You know so. So you're texting her something that you know will make her nervous and anxious and expecting to get sex out of it. Have you tried ... I don't know bonding with her on another level that is not sex first? Like when you were both obviously in a good place, have you thought about actually hanging out with her, having a pleasant evening in with a glass of wine or just general conversation, no expectations attached? Try seeing her as a human, not as "your beautiful wife" who owes you striptease and sex because you were a good husband and she wore a pretty dress. Sorry but that kind of attitude would've put me off as well. 

 

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On 3/17/2018 at 1:41 PM, Telecaster68 said:

...(and it's a counsellor, not a therapist)....

Where I live the lay public (and many healthcare workers) use these two terms interchangeably, whether or not the professional is a social worker or has a PhD in psychology.  We also use “therapy” and “counseling” to mean the same thing.

 

What distinction are you drawing between them, so I use the best understood terms on here going forward?

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Telecaster68

Therapist generally have a degree plus post graduate training. Counsellors may have just been on a shorter course to get a certificate, for one thing. 

 

From WebMD

Quote

 

Counseling focuses on specific issues and is designed to help a person address a particular problem, such as addiction or stress management. The focus may be on problem solving or on learning specific techniques for coping with or avoiding problem areas. Counseling is also usually more short-term than therapy.

Psychotherapy is more long-term than counseling and focuses on a broader range of issues. The underlying principle is that a person's patterns of thinking and behavior affect the way that person interacts with the world. 

 

https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/guide-to-psychiatry-and-counseling#3

 

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Thanks!  Just wanted to be sure I was using the same terminology to mean the same things you were, @Telecaster68, as in the area where I live we are sloppy with the terms.

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It the lady experiences pain when you have sex with or without lube, it may have been an idea for her to get herself down the doctors and get checked out. I don’t buy it. It sounds like one of those.........excuses aka lies aka misrepresentations

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