Jump to content

Is she ....


Roanch

Recommended Posts

5 hours ago, FictoVore. said:

I have vestibulodynia (it sounds like she has something similar) and have two kids, so yeah.

It is possible, but it does not explain the rest of the behavior. Lack of emotional connect, lack of seeing partner's need for intimacy as important at all, to the point of calling it "sex maniac" for what does not at all sound to be frequent sex. It does not explain toying like "be good for a week and you'll have sex on the weekend" only to never consider the "good" to have happened. It doesn't explain lack of basic kindness or consideration for partner. For example, vestibulodynia would not prevent most of the aces here from lovingly offering to touch their partner in whatever way they could to ease their frustration. And it going undiagnosed for over 20 years in itself says that either the sex was not frequent or the pain was not a constant/persistent feature. Because even if the wife were disinterested/clueless, contact with a specific area predictably causing pain would definitely cause a sexual to try to bypass it to find alternative pleasure. Sexuals don't tend to leave identifiable impediments to sex unresolved.

 

There is an endless supply of aces who can't cope with partner's sexual demands here. It is not at all common to hear of someone talking of their partner in a derogatory manner - "sex maniac" is not a common descriptor for a partner on a site discussing sex mismatches on a routine basis, including relationships struggling to accommodate common demands. We still hear things like "oversexed" or "hypersexual". Even if you hear something of the sort of "sex maniac" it is more likely an occasional descriptor in frustration, rather than a label applied to a sexual partner on a permanent basis as their "condition", while the ace is normal. You have described your ex wanting very frequent sex in ways that make this frequency look like a convent. You have actually described being in pain to accommodate it. How many times have you called your partner an abnormal person with a sexual label?

 

Though frankly, if days of hinting can get her to initiate sex, she doesn't sound very ace (in the sense of sexuall oblivious or unable to feel desire), more like sexually disinterested in him but preferring the status quo at his cost. From what I see, sexual hints don't pile up on an ace's mind (particularly one who seems otherwise not registering or caring about the sexual desire to begin with). Either they see the hints and respond or they are oblivious.

 

These actions, to me come across more as those of someone imposing their rules unilaterally on a relationship and misusing a dominant position to disregard a partner's rights in it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
6 minutes ago, anamikanon said:

It is possible, but it does not explain the rest of the behavior.

Oh no, I wasn't arguing about whether she is asexual or not (regarding the rest of the behavior).. I just wanted to respond to Tele that just because she experiences pain during sex doesn't mean she suddenly stopped experiencing that pain when she wanted to have kids. I mean, think about the women who do IVF.. I've heard that's super painful and really demanding on the body (and involves many absolutely massive needles being stabbed into sensitive places apparently, argh) yet a woman's desire to have kids can make her want to put up with the pain for the sake of those bubbies. I wasn't even looking at the rest of the wife's behavior with that comment though.

 

9 minutes ago, anamikanon said:

Though frankly, if days of hinting can get her to initiate sex, she doesn't sound very ace (in the sense of sexuall oblivious or unable to feel desire), more like sexually disinterested in him but preferring the status quo at his cost. From what I see, sexual hints don't pile up on an ace's mind (particularly one who seems otherwise not registering or caring about the sexual desire to begin with). Either they see the hints and respond or they are oblivious.

I read it more as her eventually giving in? Many asexuals do pick up on those hints (being asexual doesn't automatically mean that one is naive!) and become guiltier and guiltier the longer they pretend not to notice those hints, or just become more unhappy the longer they have to keep turning their partner down. The pressure just keeps building. Living with that guilt and frustration can sometimes be harder than just giving in and letting the partner have sex with you. I mean, it's like if my kids know I have candy in the cupboard, they hint and hint and bug me about it until I give in and give the whole bloody lot to them just to stop them hounding me (I no longer buy them candy, lol). I know it sounds like a weird comparison, but I can imagine feeling just as hounded by hints from someone who wants sex as the constant hints from the kids about the candy. I'm not saying the OP's partner DID feel this way (I don't know enough about the situation) but there are many asexuals who are not oblivious to their partners hints and do eventually give in (though that's often easier nearer the start of the relationship and peters off as the years go by).

Link to post
Share on other sites

That didn’t go too well. I asked if she would ever want to have sex ever again.  She said yes but not if we’re arguing. Yes if it was part of a loving relationship. And then she told me to stop making her into some sort of frigid freak. ( her words not mine). We had previously  talked about maslows hierarchy of needs where basic human needs like food, water, sex are on level 1 and have to be met before  you need a job or a relationship. This came up again along with lots of previous arguments. She says sex is only an essential human need for procreation purposes only.  Once we have procreated it is no longer an essential need and it is then a level 3 thing.  

I just don’t know. And we’re not talking now.   She has previously slowly reluctantly opened up and admitted her libido is low, (and mine is far too high) to the doctor (hence no longer on the pill) and also to the counselor but blames it on having had kids, being tired, just normal busy family life. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

This is actually a very positive conversation you are describing!!!

 

1 hour ago, Roanch said:

I asked if she would ever want to have sex ever again.  She said yes but not if we’re arguing. Yes if it was part of a loving relationship. And then she told me to stop making her into some sort of frigid freak. ( her words not mine)[.... ]She has previously slowly reluctantly opened up and admitted her libido is low, (and mine is far too high) to the doctor (hence no longer on the pill) and also to the counselor but blames it on having had kids, being tired, just normal busy family life. 

It may be worth taking your wife at her word. She sounds more sex averse than ace to me and if she is outright saying she'd like sex, but under specific conditions, it may be worthwhile to ensure that those conditions are met. Kids can be enormously taxing on energy, as can the stresses of daily life. Even if she is a sex-neutral ace (and don't use that label with her, if she has rejected it), stresses can make her sex averse. My partner does not like to be touched at all when he is stressed - even if it is work stress or he's been traveling too much or there is something else making demands on his time (he volunteers for causes he believes in, etc).

 

Getting rid of the pill is a good idea. Use alternative contraception. The pill can really torpedo the libido in bizarre ways. I never do well on it and I am sexual! It isn't just losing the libido, for which I'd happily take them for to reduce pressure on my ace, but they make the body feel.... off. The desire is still there, but there doesn't seem the energy to pull it off, or like there is a fog around the whole thing, so climax doesn't happen well, which scrambles the pelasure aspect.... I feel bloated and lethargic and sort of disconnected with my desire and drive (this doesn't even make sense, but it is just an "off" feeling for me). Long story short, getting rid of the pill is a good first step to try in eliminating sexual problems.

 

Other things you may want to address is asking her more how she visualizes a loving relationship. What sort of actions appear loving to her? Don't assume it is candles. You know they don't work anyway. If she finds it hard to articulate, ask her to describe a day or time or moment when she thinks the loving part off the relationship was going well and pay attention to what she valued about it.

 

It may also help to reduce stresses dramatically. See if you can send kids on some camping trip or to visit friends or grandparents for a while (Not just overnight, make it a couple of days). Take a few days off work for no reason and be together. Let the first day be just to feel rested before you even start talking. Try to create a stress free space to TALK and take it from there. If that works, or seems to show potential, it may be worth it to consider changes in your lifestyle. Hiring help with the children, switching to a less demanding job, or converting it to more limited time, and so on.

 

It is also extremely important that you share in childcare efforts. Aim for equally or more than her. Both of you have jobs, she has low energy. That right there is a major demand on her love and energy. You want some of that, help her get done with it with enough to spare.

 

My relationship with my ex-husband really died totally when I had the child. Then, the stresses of adapting to the changes as well as juggling so many things left very little time in my life for desire. His still pushing me for sex (among other serious problems - he was alcoholic) ended the relationship. But if he had responded differently? Helped with the childcare, so it was something we did together and also got free sooner or had more energy to spare? Who knows? Perhaps I'd have at least not been at a level of hopping mad to the point of "stay away from me".

Link to post
Share on other sites

This may seem very tangential, but if you understand the essence of it, it might help you.

 

You will also have to understand that to someone not used to affectionate behavior, a lot of affection can also seem like overstimulation. I am asocial, for example. I don't really like hugs and such or even extensive talking with people - even people who like me lots and I like them too. On a daily basis, I've created a life for me where I am mostly left alone except for necessary interactions. And I very heavily choose who meets me and in what conditions. I live away from the city and already rule 0 is that I am more willing to meet people visiting me than going anywhere to meet them. The disruption in my life is then minimal.

 

But this is not always possible. I am actually a very nice people and network extensively on the internet, and there are tons of people who like me, see me as a sort of role model, there are groups I lead. Interaction is not always avoidable. If I go to say... even a party of such a group, everyone wants to meet me, because they admire me, and because it is a rare opportunity. I can't exactly refuse. So I do it. I may even enjoy it - who doesn't like a lot of people wanting to pay attention and say nice things and collaborate on things that matter to you, but it leaves me completely exhausted.

 

My partner really supports me in this. We plan such gatherings strictly as overnight meetings (which automatically staggers at least some people in and out instead of say - a dinner, where everyone is there and talking at once) in the home of friends I get along with very well, feel physically comfortable in, and where my child is familiar, so disruptions because of him are minimal. My partner is a complete ace in all senses of the word then. He doesn't smoke or drink himself, he will take complete care of the child to the point I can forget about both of them unless I need something from him. No worrying about feeding him on time, his bed time, caring for his needs, nothing. That is one thing taken totally out of my responsibilities. If I seem overwhelmed at some point, he'll get me to a quiet corner for a quick hug and affection that completely distracts me from the party and it is just him and me in that moment, so I get that space free of clutter briefly and can return. He will ensure the travel there and back is comfortable and not unnecessarily cluttered with people, crowds and other things that stress me - he prefers public transport. If I am there, we will rent a car. Go straight from our home to the residence of the friend if possible. Or simply have an arm around me so that people who'd normally hug while leaving usually just nod and leave... And so on.

 

The point here is that the contact is pleasant, but it is too much for me, since I am not used to it. I can do it if I have to, but his support helps me breeze through it.

 

If your wife is not used to demonstrative affection, you may need to dial it down quite a bit, and offer it in ways she enjoys, rather than what you are used to doing as affection. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68

It's certainly worth proceeding as if all the things @anamikanonmentions are the case, and see where you get.

 

You might both find it helpful to read Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. It centres on the idea of responsive desire, which means rather than waiting for horniness to strike randomly, you can find ways together of creating situations where she's more able to respond positively if you initiate. It's relatively Proper Science rather than proposing candles and relaxing baths. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Most importantly, tell her she matters and that you really want this to work and want her to tell you what she needs, so you can try to make it happen.

Link to post
Share on other sites
8 hours ago, Roanch said:

... hierarchy of needs where basic human needs like food, water, sex are on level 1 and have to be met before  you need a job or a relationship ...

:lol: Surely you are having a laugh. IMHO. Without food and water you die very soon, so that’s level 1.  You need a job to get food and water, so that’s also level 1. Even a hypersexual will still live out the full life span without any sex, so that’s  level 10 (on my scale of 1 to 10). And where do you get sex without relating to another human???

Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68

Maslow includes elements for a good, satisfying life as well as just staying alive... 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Sadly, only one of those are actually *needs*, otherwise a 3 year old kid's favorite toy should be considered a need too

Link to post
Share on other sites
6 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

Sadly, only one of those are actually *needs*, otherwise a 3 year old kid's favorite toy should be considered a need too

There are different kinds and qualities of needs. Some of those might not be basic anymore ("basic" as in "absolutely necessary for survival"), but they're still needs - just like I "need" a pair of new shoes or you "need" a new phone or laptop.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Guess what, those things aren't needs either, not in a general sense (and a "hierarchy" of needs that isn't generalized is honestly fucking useless, because obviously, many people on this website can attest to sex not being a need for them)

 

Unless it is something that absolutely everybody really does *need* to stay alive (hence the name), you shouldn't be dictating it as a "need" to everyone else, because from there you are delving away from "need" territory and into "want" territory.  Wants are not necessarily something that everyone shares.

 

I don't know if it's just the ace in me or what, but I'm pretty tired of people attempting to tell me what I "need" in my life just because they'll claim they can't get by without it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
44 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Maslow includes elements for a good, satisfying life as well ... 

Yes, but those are not put on the same level with basic needs like food and water.

 

Hierarchyofneeds.jpg

 

21 minutes ago, Homer said:

There are different kinds and qualities of needs. Some of those might not be basic anymore ("basic" as in "absolutely necessary for survival"), but they're still needs - just like I "need" a pair of new shoes or you "need" a new phone or laptop.

Again, those are not put on the same level. Roanch puts sex on the same level as the most basic need for food and water.

 

8 hours ago, Roanch said:

... We had previously  talked about maslows hierarchy of needs where basic human needs like food, water, sex are on level 1 and have to be met before  you need a job or a relationship. ... 

Hence my comment:

 

1 hour ago, Thea2 said:

... Without food and water you die very soon, so that’s level 1.  ... Even a hypersexual will still live out the full life span without any sex, so that’s  level 10 (on my scale of 1 to 10). 

Sex is only an essential human need for procreation purposes only.  Once we have procreated it is no longer an essential need and it is then a level 3 thing.  

Link to post
Share on other sites
47 minutes ago, Thea2 said:

Again, those are not put on the same level. Roanch puts sex on the same level as the most basic need for food and water.

Never heard of Roanch. I did point out that there are different qualities of needs though, so I'm not entirely sure what your point is.

Link to post
Share on other sites

That's what I get for browsing on mobile :lol: OMG that's embarrassing, I'm so sorry :redface:

Link to post
Share on other sites

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow's_hierarchy_of_needs

 

its interesting that the diagram shown above doesn’t show sexual instinct at level 1. If you google or look at Wikipedia it’s there on level 1. I’m not trying to offend anyone and I accept that I don’t know much about any of this and I accept that this forum is about some delicate matters. I’m just genuinely interested. I hope I haven’t offended anyone. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68

Maybe we can square the circle like this: to asexuals, the only use for sex is reproduction, but for sexuals it's pretty much embedded in all the others too.

Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, Roanch said:

... If you google or look at Wikipedia it’s there on level 1.

Yes, I did see that one with sex on level one, and I carefully ignored that one, and kept Googling till I found a pyramid that suited me :lol:

 

1 minute ago, Roanch said:

... I hope I haven’t offended anyone. 

Not me, not at all 🌸😊

Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68
5 minutes ago, Roanch said:

I hope I haven’t offended anyone.

Not me either. I generally find the Allies section is a little more... robust... than some other areas.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Personally, I see sex as more of a "love/belonging" level than "physiological"

 

Can we survive without air/water/food.... no. Sex? yes. But not happily...

 

Though personally, I think applying Maslow's hierarchy of needs to a relationship mismatch is a bit tricky. Particularly if the two partners don't share similar priorities. What Maslow considered important will matter or not depending on whether he said something you like :D or not

 

I mean, if you interpret it like "safety" being a more crucial need than comfort/pleasure - you could put the ace's need to feel safe from sexual imposition more important than the need for pleasure, then where would us sexuals be..... lol

Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

Maybe ... to asexuals, the only use for sex is reproduction,...

Hmm 🤔 Some aces do get jealous though when it gets outsourced.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68

That's because it's a threat to their relationship because they know it's different fir sexuals, rather than directly about sex. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

Maybe we can square the circle like this: to asexuals, the only use for sex is reproduction, but for sexuals it's pretty much embedded in all the others too.

Frankly, it would be very hard to argue for sex on level 1 or 2. Sex is a need in order to be comfortable and happy, not for survival.

 

Sex wouldn't feature on the first two levels. You don't need sex to survive or feel safe. You do need it to be comfortable, happy, achieve sexual objectives, find ideal relationship..... for a sexual. For an ace, sex wouldn't feature on the pyramid at all unless the ace had some ambition to be able to understand and enjoy sex or something. (which is why this is a bad tool for sexual-ace relationships)

 

This does not mean sex is not important. We are striving to self-actualize, not merely stay alive without threat. It is very important to well being. For a sexual, progressing above third level is hard without sexual needs being met in some way. I'd argue "self-actualization" on a sexual front may not happen at all for most sexual-ace relationships. Neither will reach their ideal state/potential without serious alternative hacks - like kink, etc that can bypass the mismatch seamlessly for a few couples.

Link to post
Share on other sites
On 17/3/2018 at 3:03 PM, Roanch said:

Hi, apologies for my ignorance but I only found out about asexuality a couple of weeks ago.

 

My wife and I have been having some difficulties and are seeing a sexual counsellor. We've been together 20+ years and have 3 wonderful children and life is perfect for us except that we have drifted apart very slowly and gradually to the point where we now sleep separately (ok same bed but I'm zipped up in a sleeping bag) and sex has dwindled from a couple of times a month to nothing in several months.

 

My wife never initiated sex. Well when we tried for children she did. And sometimes if I hint hint hint like crazy for a few days she did used to initiate it but only because I had been hinting like crazy for a couple of days and I feel it was maybe more due to sympathy than for wanting it herself.

There was always lots of excuses for not doing it even when we had arranged a date night, head aches, tired, early start, sore tummy, time of the month out of synch

There was often lots of conditions attached like be good all week and you might be lucky at the weekend. But these were often unachievable like maybe I shouted at the kids for doing things that kids need shouting at ... not getting ready for school or breaking the laptop, then that meant no nooky.

The deed always has to be done and finished as quick as possible. Often anything we do is difficult for her or painful even with lube, with or without condoms. I'd love her to take the lead role.

No Kissing allowed on the lips, (tongues are disgusting) no kissing the neck, ears, anywhere else.

No touching, leave the boobs alone etc 

Not very adventurous, don't like different positions, too difficult and too painful.

Lots of conditions lights have to be off or very very dim. It always has to be in the bedroom. Only ever at night time. Most definitely never in the morning. 

Trying to set a nice atmosphere always fails for me, she hates candles, she hates bubble baths, suggesting showering or bathing together was met with incredulous shock. Massages just don't do anything. sometimes after a nice meal at a nice restaurant she'll have eaten too much or be too tired.

After she told me she wasn't really enjoying it I researched and bought her a toy. She died of embarrassment and run out of the room the night I gave it to her. She asked me never to mention this ever again. I also bought me some novelty skimpy funny fireman shorts which did make her laugh but certainly didn't set anything on fire like I had hoped.

I used to shower her with compliments about how she looked and how certain clothes make her look hot (not allowed to use the word sexy). If her hair is messy first thing in the morning it really drives me wild and I tell her, if its straightened to go out it drives me wild and I tell her. If say she curls it then yes you've guessed it, it drives me wild and I tell her. She sees this as proof that I'm just a sex maniac.

She thinks I'm obsessed with sex and only say these things and ask her to wear these things because I want sex. I answer her honestly saying that yes I find her attractive and if I look at her or if I think about her, or if she brushes past me accidently, or bends over to empty the dishwasher (lol) yes it's true I get turned on. 

Sometimes I giver her money to buy nice clothes and hint hint hint at maybe getting nice underwear and she used to but she always resented 'having' to dress up and sees my want for this sort of thing as proof of my sex maniac problem. 

I'm really attracted to curvy female bodies and the clothes that she wears to work or when she goes out with her friends drive me wild. She's slim and attractive and works part time in a clothes shop. So this is hard for me. She would always change out of them as soon as she comes home incase it leads on to something.

We have great holidays. Two big ones and 7 mini breaks last year. But there is never a suitable moment for intimacy in her eyes. Excuses would often be the children and we couldn't possibly send them to kids clubs or anything. And now we often take her sister or her friends on holiday and this means definitely no chance for intimacy.

Once in the day time she needed the curtains drawn, even though we're upstairs and secluded by trees. But then we couldn't do it incase the neighbours noticed the curtains drawn (as if they would) and worked out what we were doing! I told her the worst thing was if they found out we weren't having sex because this would be the unnatural and even weirder thing. 

I asked her which celebrities she likes or fancies and what things she finds attractive. She says she's 40 years old and don't be silly, no one of her age looks at celebrities in that way. I pointed out that her friends al have their not so secret crushes and some go for 6 packs and big arms etc and she doesn't believe me. But they told me this. Do middle aged women really never have crushes or desires or fantasies. I have loads of crushes, and loads of fantasies - she's in all of them lol. She says none of her friends has sex more than occasionally now we are in 40s and have kids.

She did seem to accept that her libido was a bit low a while back and mentioned this to her doctor. They changed her pill. Nothing. wait a year to let chemicals leave body. nothing. tried coming off the pill altogether. nothing, wait a year to get chemicals out of body. still nothing. So she's not on pill and not taking any other medication.

 

Me ... ok I'm no brad pitt. I don't smoke and rarely drink alcohol (quite boring really). But I eat well and started going to the gym a few years back to rekindle the fire and although I never put on much muscle my body fat is low and I probably look ok ish. In certain lighting when the sun and the moon are in perfect alignment if you squint there's a bit of a six pack there lol. I've recently run a couple of marathons / triathlons in fairly good times and I have a very physical job. I coach kids football at the weekends and evenings. So that all means that I'm now same the waist size as I was at 17 (47 now). Obviously age is catching up on me though, the hair is greying, and my wrinkles are more wrinkly etc. Luckily they have hair dye and moisturiser for that. I'm no Adonis by any means but I'm also pretty sure that I don't have any obvious turn offs like obesity, bo or bad breath. Sometimes other people comment how well I look for my age. She never says anything complimentary and says that she just doesn't find six packs, muscles or any particular body shape attractive or unattractive.

 

So far our counselling has just focussed on me and the things that I do that prevent her wanting to be intimate.

Main problem is my 'abnormal' sex drive which had to be checked out by the GP.  She doesn't like it that sometimes in my sleep or early in the morning I get aroused. Sometimes in my sleep I try to hold her, hug her squeeze her or just touch her, because she's just not a very touchy feely type of person. GP says I'm all ok and normal. So I now zip myself up in a sleeping bag and were now several months with no intimacy at all. It's hard for me and not bothering her at all. I must say it's not just the physical side that is destroying me, it's the emotional closeness that hurts more.

 

And so I thought what else could it be if it's not me. And that's when Google pointed me here. I'm really looking for some help from anyone and Relate, Sex counselling etc all seem to be failing. 

 

Sorry so long and thanks for reading (if anyone actually got this far)

 

 

If she is asexual, then there is a good chance that sex will only be on the table if you take “sexy” out of the equation. Hints, lingerie, body appreciatinh gestures, kisses... can easily move you further away from your actual goal: having intimate sex with woman you love and who may even love you dispite of your (quite normal) urges. A mind shift away from sexy sex and to “getting a massage” in a way I cant do on my own, has helped me somewhat. Lose the idea about persuading her. Go for businesslike agreements. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
13 hours ago, Roanch said:

That didn’t go too well. I asked if she would ever want to have sex ever again.  She said yes but not if we’re arguing. Yes if it was part of a loving relationship. And then she told me to stop making her into some sort of frigid freak. ( her words not mine). We had previously  talked about maslows hierarchy of needs where basic human needs like food, water, sex are on level 1 and have to be met before  you need a job or a relationship. This came up again along with lots of previous arguments. She says sex is only an essential human need for procreation purposes only.  Once we have procreated it is no longer an essential need and it is then a level 3 thing.  

I just don’t know. And we’re not talking now.   She has previously slowly reluctantly opened up and admitted her libido is low, (and mine is far too high) to the doctor (hence no longer on the pill) and also to the counselor but blames it on having had kids, being tired, just normal busy family life. 

An asexual does not put partnered sex in Maslows pyramid as a need. They migth enjoy it or enjoy that their partner enjoys it. Ifshe hasno need for sex ever, then this will never change. ...but she also has to accept that you are wired like most people are. Most sexuals are born with an addiction. We can go far without, but we will still want our drug. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
12 hours ago, anamikanon said:

Then, the stresses of adapting to the changes as well as juggling so many things left very little time in my life for desire. His still pushing me for sex (among other serious problems - he was alcoholic) ended the relationship. But if he had responded differently? Helped with the childcare, so it was something we did together and also got free sooner or had more energy to spare? Who knows? Perhaps I'd have at least not been at a level of hopping mad to the point of "stay away from me".

I read a study about this a while ago, they were studying sexual satisfaction in women after giving birth or something. The ones that experienced the highest rates of sexual pleasure were the relationships where the man actively took part in helping around the house, helping with the kids etc, because it made the woman feel loved and supported and that was far more likely to make her start wanting sex again/enjoying sex more. The guys who didn't help and were looking at the child raising as 'her job' weren't getting much sex at all, or the woman wasn't enjoying the sex they were having.. which I would imagine would lead to sexual frustration for both partners.. which in turn pushes them further apart sexually.

 

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/28942215

 

Quote


''There was a strong association between emotional satisfaction and the degree to which women experienced physical pleasure in their sexual relationship. Women who were happy with their partner's contribution to household tasks were markedly more likely to report high emotional satisfaction (OR 10.31, 95% CI6.7-15.9) and somewhat more likely to report greater physical pleasure in their sexual relationship (OR 2.32, 95% CI 1.5-3.5).

KEY CONCLUSIONS:

women experience profound changes in their sexual and intimate relationships in the first 18 months postpartum. While sex appears to improve over time, emotional satisfaction appears to decline. Partner involvement in household tasks is associated with greater emotional satisfaction.''

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

That's because it's a threat to their relationship because they know it's different fir sexuals, rather than directly about sex. 

well, some asexuals can have the same desire for that deep emotional intimacy that sexual people have, but in different ways (as Serran and I tried to explain a few months ago when talking about having emotional and intimate needs that were going unmet - our examples were quite extreme but many asexuals  can still desire that intimacy just not the extent that we did). Anyway, you're sitting at home without any of your own emotional and intimate needs being met any of the time, knowing your partner is out there getting their emotional and intimate needs met with another person who is enjoying your partner in a way you wish you could, but you know full well it's something different that you need from your partner that they can't give. Also, for a monogamous asexual, you still desire emotional and physical monogamy.. if your romantic partner is screwing someone else then that's still a breach of monogamy as they're sharing something meant only for you with someone else, and that huuurts just as much as it hurts if you're a sexual person being cheated on. I know you disagree with a lot of this (well, you have in the past) but I'm just trying to explain it from the ace perspective - it's a lot more than it just 'being a threat to the relationship', it hurts in the same way a sexual person hurts knowing their partner cheated them. That's not the case for ALL asexuals (some are pretty oblivious) but especially for romantic monogamous asexuals, cheating is just as painful for all the same reasons as it is for a sexual.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks for that study, @FictoVore.Will put it to good use in many places. :D

 

Cheating will distress monogamous people as well as poly people. Consensual polyamory with the existing partner dissatisfied will also distress the existing partner. Consensual polyamory will distress monogamous people.

 

Polyamory only works when BOTH partners are consenting "joyfully" (not helplessly) and on board (even if both aren't poly).

 

Edit: This is also among the reasons I haven't jumped headlong into poly for the sex - apart from my own asocial tendencies. While my ace has always been supportive, indeed has expressed a time or two that the idea is exciting on a conceptual level), his inability to express his emotions means that if he gets distressed, he will neither realize it nor articulate it till it gets too much, and even then it may not get expressed as the actual reason why he is distressed. Essentially, I will have to keep an eye out for his emotional okayness as well as mine, since he is not able to, and I've read enough stories of excited partners losing sight of what happens with the existing partner to be very wary of assuming I'll do it - guaranteed. It is a human failing and while I will do it, a part of me will always hesitate to risk my partner's emotions for my pleasure.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...