Mixed, Open Relationships: First steps?

[East]

Hi all! This is my first post, so apologies if I'm off-base or not phrasing things well. I did a search of the forums, but wasn't finding quite what I'm looking for, so here goes:

 

My wife (ace, female) and I (pansexual, female) are very happy together. I am interested in having sex, and she is generally uninterested in having any sex. That's ok! We don't really argue about it, and our mismatched sex drives were something we knew about before we got together. I'm never going to pressure her, and she's very good about doing physically reassuring things like snuggling when I feel "unwanted" or need physical affection. I do miss sex, though, and sometimes we both get sad because I feel like I'm needy and she feels like she's not meeting my needs in an otherwise totally flawless relationship.

 

We've talked about it a bunch, and decided that an open relationship where I see other partner(s) might take some of the pressure of both of us. My ideal situation would be seeing a play partner (not a romantic partner - I have zero interest in romance here!) once or twice a week purely for sexytimes. I'm just beginning to think practically about what this would mean, and have a bunch of questions. I'm hoping other folks here might have some experience to share about arrangements that have worked (or not worked) for them!

 

Beyond just sharing your stories of success or failure (please do that too!), I have some specific questions:

• How do we figure out ground rules for what's okay and what's not WITHOUT messing up first? She can always say "last time you met up with someone, X happened and I didn't like that you did that" and then go from there, but I'd rather never get into that situation in the first place. But it seems like there are too many possible outcomes to make comprehensive rules, and common sense only gets you so far. Help?
• How much do you decide to tell your partner? I don't want to get into gory details and gross her out, but I want her to at least know who I'm seeing/where I'm going for safety reasons.
• Is there something beside OkCupid I should be using here? Is there, like, some sort of etiquette for no strings attached hookups these days? I plan to just put in my profile "hey I'm in an open relationship looking for X, don't contact me if you want Y" so no one is misled or hurt, but I'm always concerned about safety of internet-originated real world meet-ups.
• I'm looking for some pretty specific things in a sexual partner. Should I just... list what I'm into on my profile? That seems really weirdly forward, but I don't want to waste people's time just to find out they're into different kinds of sex than what I want. Again, dating etiquette is so weird!

 

Thank you all in advance for reading. I'm trying to crowd-source the smoothest possible path into open-relationship-ness possible, and I'd love your help.

[anamikanon]

You should probably check out the polyamory.com forum. There is a lot of good advice there for this kind of a thing. Offhand, things I can think of:

• Don't make an agreement to not get feelings involved. This is dangerous terrain, and sex is an intimate experience, and it usually gets filed under "famous last words" before you end up with a mess of relationships and your heart in two places, but your word given to exclude one of them. Don't give this unrealistic expectation to your partner, that there will be a guarantee of you never loving anyone else. She could feel betrayed down the road. Don't do this to yourself, and set up heartbreak. If you don't fall in love, not giving such promises isn't going to make you fall in love. But predicting the future of a relationship usually spells trouble. It doesn't take a lot for an intimate partner to start meaning more to you than you planned on.
• Talk a lot with your partner. Discuss what their areas are that matter to them and what don't. What they want to know and what they don't. Personally I think a huge pitfall here is DADT (Don't Ask, Don't Tell) where you don't discuss your relationships with your partner. It is observed to be a recipe for them suddenly tumbling out of the closet of silence in a mess. A level of discussion that addresses basics at the very least is a good idea. What you describe sounds reasonable - that she doesn't know too much detail, but the who/where basics of it.
• Decide boundaries. What is ok, what is not. Do your partners meet each other socially or not, and so on. Calling/texting while with other partner - what is ok, what is not, etc
• Safer sex - testing, practices, etc
• Above all, go SLOW, SLOW, SLOW. Check for everyone's comfort, reassure as needed, slow down as needed. It is common for the partner to feel jealous or neglected while you are high on NRE (New Relationship Energy). Be sure to pay loving attention and not take the routine relationship for granted, etc.

[Arctangent]

2 hours ago, East said:

How do we figure out ground rules for what's okay and what's not WITHOUT messing up first? She can always say "last time you met up with someone, X happened and I didn't like that you did that" and then go from there, but I'd rather never get into that situation in the first place. But it seems like there are too many possible outcomes to make comprehensive rules, and common sense only gets you so far. Help?
 

I don't think you can necessarily predict if/when something is going to go wrong. I think if you try to make rules to account for everything that could possibly go wrong, it's easy for the agreement to get bogged down with stipulations intended to avoid certain situations... and even with all the rules in the world, a situation may still arise that you don't know how to handle. Going open/poly naturally can lead to unexpected situations (not all of which are negative!). Personally, I prefer a flexible approach where you move slowly and communicate with your partner(s) to find what works and what doesn't.

 

Also, it's important to remember that any new partners have their own wishes and feelings. If you and your current partner have any rules that could potentially limit your relationship with new people (e.g. it has to remain a casual sexual relationship), it's good to explain this to any potential partners so they know what they're agreeing to. It's also good practice to keep open lines of communication with new partners so that they aren't blindsided by changes to your relationship agreements. Ideally, IMO, they should have a voice in decisions that affect them - but if this is not something they can expect, then at least they should know.

Quote

• How much do you decide to tell your partner? I don't want to get into gory details and gross her out, but I want her to at least know who I'm seeing/where I'm going for safety reasons.

This is something you will have to discuss with your partner to know where their boundaries lie. Some people have "don't ask, don't tell" arrangements where they don't share anything about their other relationships. Other people can find it exciting to go into very intimate sexual details. Both of these approaches have a lot of potential pitfalls. I think for most people, the happy medium lies somewhere in the middle. In my case, I like to know the general status of a partner's important relationships and whether they're sexually active. I like to get updates on what's going on as new connections develop, but I also want to respect that a partner's partner is their own person who can reasonably expect some privacy about their relationships.

Quote

• Is there something beside OkCupid I should be using here? Is there, like, some sort of etiquette for no strings attached hookups these days? I plan to just put in my profile "hey I'm in an open relationship looking for X, don't contact me if you want Y" so no one is misled or hurt, but I'm always concerned about safety of internet-originated real world meet-ups.

You can certainly try online dating, and I know some open/poly people who have had success with OK Cupid in particular, but keep in mind that not everyone reads profiles carefully, so you may get a lot of messages from people who aren't compatible. Also, I've heard of some openly poly people getting messages from people who are trying to cheat - they may say things like "I'm poly but my wife doesn't know yet." So be wary of that!

 

You could also try seeing if there are any poly meet up groups in your area. This is another way to meet people who are open to non mono relationships in a low pressure setting.

 

Quote

• I'm looking for some pretty specific things in a sexual partner. Should I just... list what I'm into on my profile? That seems really weirdly forward, but I don't want to waste people's time just to find out they're into different kinds of sex than what I want. Again, dating etiquette is so weird!

I'm not sure and I don't have experience with this, but I think if you know you're looking for a purely sexual relationship, it almost makes sense for you to be upfront about your preferences. I'm not sure what the norm is, though... Maybe someone with more online dating experience can chime in!

 

I think it's great that you're considering this so carefully. I hope you and your partner can figure out something that works for you.

[roland.o]

17 hours ago, East said:

Is there something beside OkCupid I should be using here?

There are dozens of online dating, matching, or hookup sites. Some of them have their focus on finding medium- or long-term partners, others are totally into short-term hookups. Also, sites may focus on different age groups. I suggest you read a few online reviews that compare different dating sites, then choose which ones might work best for you. That's what I did about a year ago, before deciding that online dating wasn't for me At least not yet.

 

18 hours ago, East said:

How do we figure out ground rules for what's okay and what's not WITHOUT messing up first?

Maybe agree on a few "this is just for you" things beforehand, which you will never do with a different partner? Even if you have to revise that list later, it's a starting place. Sticking to that kind of agreement might reassure your partner that you're not forgetting about her while you're spending time with someone else.

[caffeine]

As someone who's right now going through the opening up phase (though we started the discussion as opening up for casual dating and stumbled right into poly because you can never just plan these things) - accept that boundaries and agreements will have to stay pretty felxible, and moving them will be easier or harder, depending on how well you two communicate. As you said, there are way too many unknowns and options so going into it with rigid frame of rules won't be easy (and tbh is restrictive). I suggest discussing your hard limits first - what are the things she absolutely can't imagine compromising on, what are the things you can't imagine compromising on - and go from that. 

 

Also, good thing to accept now is that both of you will probably mess up a little at some point - and I'm not being catastrophic here. Especially if you're both new to the arrangement (as me and my gf are), there are little things that will sneak up on you. Better to start it all with the mindset that there will be minor messes that you're agreeing to work through together, rather than assume it will all go flawlessly. It takes some of the pressure off when something doesn't work out the way you've imagined it would. 

 

How much to tell - ask your partner how much she wants to know. That's a limit only she can help you with (and one that can also change in time so check in with her now and again). 

[NickJ]

My (ace) wife and I discussed this ourselves last year. I identify as polaymorous, though I’m yet to peruse any other relationships yet, and it really is still very early days.

 

I would suggest as few rules as possible, but communicate constantly (which it sounds like you’re already doing) and be open to the possibility that jealously will likely rear it’s head at some point. And as others have said, it’s very difficult to control your feelings, so it is entirely possible you may develop feelings for someone else. Be prepared for that, but also realise that doesn’t necessarily have to have a negative impact on your primary relationship. As much as I enjoy no strings sex, I find it difficult not to develop an emotional bond with someone I’m physically involved with. And before I began to explore and understand polyamory, that’s an idea that scared the hell out of me and stopped me perusing an open relationship for a long, long time.

 

There is an excellent podcast called Polyamory Weekly that I found really helpful. You might want to check that out, there’s even an excellent episode on asexuality.