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Am I demisexual, ace or hetero?


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Hi all,

 

I stumbled upon this site a couple weeks ago. I can't remember my thought process for why but I was questioning if I'm ace, found this site and instantly felt relief. All the things I thought were wrong with me we're explained and I finally felt like I understood myself and my sexuality after 24 years of thinking something was wrong.

 

I confided in one of my gay friends a week later about this and he fully understood due to him knowing other aces and helped me answer a few more questions I was still having.

 

Then yesterday I went for lunch with my sister. We've always been close and I can tell her everything and she accepts me for it. This time was different though. She kept trying to dismiss the whole idea saying "some people just have really low sex drives" "Would you go that far to put an actual label on it" "Are you sure because you've dated in the past" "but you've had sex in the past" and was just very dismissive.

 

Since then I've read a few more posts on here and I don't know if I can really be classed as this due to my past but it's how I feel and would like input from others to help me please.

 

Quick recap of my past (sorry if this is too graphic for the site, I'm still new)

 

*Have never been into porn, I still masturbate but it never involves sex 

 

*Have never had a sex dream

 

*I shy away from conversations about sex because they make me uncomfortable (I don't know if this just counts as frigid)

 

*I have dated in the past but all my relationships have started with me being unable to become aroused for the first few weeks at least and then there after there are still problems on and off with this

 

*My 2 long term relationships have always had many arguments due to my lack of wanting sex. They would ask if it was because they'd gained weight or changed hairstyle which I would honestly tell them wasn't the case, I just didn't want it.

 

*I never initiate sex and would often turn it down due to not being in the mood. I would normally only have sex to make my partner happy (mainly at the start of my relationship) or to stop them from arguing with me about a lack of sex and questioning what was wrong with me

 

*We would sometimes go weeks, even months without sex and I wouldn't even notice until it got brought up. Both of my girlfriends said I should seek medical advice over this because it wasn't right.

 

*They would accuse me of cheating or seeing someone else because "I must be getting sex from somewhere" but I never looked at anyone like that besides them.

 

*When I look at girls (and also guys) I can tell if they're attractive but have never saw one and thought how I'd like to sleep with them, the same with any celebrity

 

*I have enjoyed sex but the feeling is very meh, like I don't get the big fuss at all

 

*It seems like I've had sex more than most demi's however. Once I was a couple months into a relationship, I probably averaged out having see every couple of weeks to a month.

 

*I've often faked how much I was enjoying sex because it would upset my partner and they would think I wasn't enjoying it

 

*A couple of months ago I got really drunk and woke up the next morning in bed with a girl I work with and she told me I was unable to get aroused the night before and she seemed disappointed. I blamed this on being drunk but it happens when I'm sober too.

 

*Coupled with the last point, I finally started questioning if I'm asexual due to seeing bojack horseman around that time and discovering that the character Todd was asexual. I'd heard of asexuality before but never understood what it was. However I felt the show explained it very well and I began understanding it more and thinking it might apply to me.

 

 

I'm sorry that this was lengthy but I just need help with all of this. Have I had sex too much to be classed as an asexual, more specifically demisexual.

I still want romantic relationships with people but I feel like I'm not bothered about the sexual side of it. 

 

Any help would be greatly appreciated. I just want to know more about myself and why I am the way I am.

 

Thanks

 

(Oh, here's some 🍰 as well because you've all been so helpful already from your own posts and stories of discovering yourself)

 

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It sounds to me like you may be asexual. Having had sex doesn't disqualify you, if you never felt any actual desire for it.

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It sounds to me like you're asexual ! If you don't ever feel like having sex, even after months of relationship (assuming you were happy in them) then I doubt you're demi, and you certainly don't sound plain hetero.

Next step for you is acceptance, you might be confused for a few weeks but once you're fully comfortable with the idea you should be much happier :)

There is no amount of sex that will turn you from asexual to sexual, that's not how it works (it would be like saying X amount of sex would turn someone from homosexuality to heterosexuality).

Best of luck in your self discovery !

 

(BTW Bojack Horseman is a great show I'm glad you've watched it)

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It's about attraction, not what you do or have done.  I'm in a similar boat having never heard of asexuality before a year ago (I'm 34) it never even occurred to me that not being into sex was an option.  I've had a few sexual encounters, all drunk, and being a woman, performance issues were a little harder to pin point.  It was awkward and kind of boring.  It didn't come naturally to me and felt very repetitive.  I thought I just needed more practice or maybe I just wasn't good at sex.  I'm still trying to sort out where exactly I might fall on the spectrum since I spent so long being absolutely certain that I was just straight.  So your past experience has no bearing on your sexuality, it's just part of the process you went through to discover yourself.

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1 hour ago, Claire1983 said:

It's about attraction, not what you do ...

(I have not read the thread yet, only this sentence and :evil: )  I sooooo disagree. An asexual IMHO does not have sex for own pleasure, so it's very much so about what you do.

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1 hour ago, GambinoCM said:

... I still want romantic relationships with people but I feel like I'm not bothered about the sexual side of it. ...

Now that sounds asexual to me  :D  Welcome to Aven @GambinoCM :cake: :cake: :cake:

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30 minutes ago, Thea2 said:

(I have not read the thread yet, only this sentence and :evil: )  I sooooo disagree. An asexual IMHO does not have sex for own pleasure, so it's very much so about what you do.

To my understanding there are many reasons that asexuals might engage in sex besides their own pleasure.  Having had sex in the past doesn't mean you can't be asexual.  Especially if someone wasn't aware of their feelings and was trying to conform to social norms.  That's what I meant by this since the OP was questioning if past activity affects sexuality.  

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Guest Deus Ex Infinity

Just being demisexual as such doesn't exclude any specific or non specific gender attraction like straight, bi or gay. It means that you'd need to build up a deep emotional connection first before experiencing sexual desire towards another person.

 

However, being asexual on the other hand is something different indeed. You can be asexual with demiromantic attraction for example.

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5 hours ago, Claire1983 said:

To my understanding there are many reasons that asexuals might engage in sex besides their own pleasure.  Having had sex in the past doesn't mean you can't be asexual.  Especially if someone wasn't aware of their feelings and was trying to conform to social norms.  That's what I meant by this since the OP was questioning if past activity affects sexuality.  

Ah, now I understand, thanks for explaining 😊. And yes, now I agree with you. 🌸 I thought you meant cupiosexual (one desires a sexual relationship, but feels no sexual attraction):lol: I’m being person B again as in 

https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/168459-understanding-the-members-rebellion-against-repressed-speech/?do=findComment&comment=1062742756

 

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Thank you all so much for your replies and help with this.

 

@TheAP I'm glad you've confirmed this for me. I can't remember a time where I was having sex for my own need or pleasure and would be fine going without.

 

@DryRain I think you're right. I think over the next few weeks I need to figure out whether some of the things I've done and things I think are how I actually feel or if they are just ways I try to fit into social norms. Also, so much respect for bojack for addressing and representing asexuality in media. The only other example I think I've ever seen is Sheldon from big bang which I don't feel explores it in anywhere as much detail.

 

@Thea2 thanks for the warm welcome, this website already seems so welcoming even to people like myself that may be a bit clueless still about all this

 

@Claire1983 it does sound like we've had somewhat similar experiences with all of this. Just out of curiosity, how did you discover, or begin to think, you might be asexual?

 

@Deus Ex Infinity sorry still trying to get my head around all this so sorry if this is wrong. If in my case, I don't want to have sex again and am happy going on without it, then I'm asexual?

 

But if at the same time I would want to eventually be in a romantic relationship with another person I have an emotional connection with, just minus the sex, then that would mean I'm demiromantic?

 

So would I be a demiromantic asexual? I know some people have a problem with labels but having felt broken and basically not normal for years and years, having a name that describes the way I am would make me feel like I'm not as weird and broken as I once believed.

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5 hours ago, GambinoCM said:

 

@Claire1983 it does sound like we've had somewhat similar experiences with all of this. Just out of curiosity, how did you discover, or begin to think, you might be asexual

I met a new friend last year who is asexual and I slowly learned about it through conversation. I think I've been kind of mulling over it in the back of my mind since things but I was kind of resistant to seriously look into it since I have social anxiety and I've always attributed my issues with sex and relationships to that. About 6 months ago, my dr increased my dosage of zoloft and I noticed a drop in my libido (which I know is unrelated to sexuality) and without that, I started to wonder if my anxiety and my libido were causing me to misinterpret romantic or aesthetic attraction as sexual attraction.  Then a few weeks ago, that same friend posted something on tumbler about asexuality that just really resonated with me, which sent me on a hunt to confirm or deny the idea that I could be ace. I stumbled across this site and so far I'm leaning toward confirm.

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5 hours ago, GambinoCM said:

... thanks for the warm welcome,

:)

 

Quote

... people like myself that may be a bit clueless still about all this

It took me a year and a half on Aven, before I settled on my label :D

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8 hours ago, GambinoCM said:

So would I be a demiromantic asexual? I know some people have a problem with labels but having felt broken and basically not normal for years and years, having a name that describes the way I am would make me feel like I'm not as weird and broken as I once believed.

Don't worry about labels too much, the only thing that you should take away from here is that you are not broken, you're different. In your heart you know what you are and what's going on with you, and even though words help they will never be specific enough to describe exactly what you are. In my opinion, labels are to help others around you understand you, but if you can help yourself with them, then good !

Don't think too much about what society wants from you, think about what you want for yourself

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8 hours ago, GambinoCM said:

But if at the same time I would want to eventually be in a romantic relationship with another person I have an emotional connection with, just minus the sex, then that would mean I'm demiromantic?

Possibly. But keep in mind that demiromantic means you only experience romantic attraction when you have a strong emotional connect with someone.

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Guest Deus Ex Infinity
10 hours ago, GambinoCM said:

So would I be a demiromantic asexual?

Yes, pretty much so. At least as far as I can tell from own personal experience. Even apart from which label you may want to choose, you should be aware of the fact that you are neither broken or sick in any way :)

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binary suns

By your description, certainly sounds ace to me. 

 

 

aces can:

  • have sex
  • have sex for their partner's sake - they can sexually compromise
  • masturbate
  • enjoy porn, smut, or other fictional sex depictions or fantasy
  • have libido
  • experience physiologic "pleasure" during sex ... but it's not really exciting or particularly invoking for them
  • "enjoy" sex purely from a libido standpoint, they want their libido resolved, and sex can do it... but they'd rather masturbate. 
  • appreciate someone's looks 
  • be romantic
  • have romantic attraction without any sexuality involved in it
  • enjoy platonic (or romantic) cuddles
  • feel passion and energy out of romantic or platonic interests or desires
  • fake anything they don't truly experience, as humans can certainly be actors
  • like cake

 

 

 

Aces don't however: 

  • desire sex for their own sake
  • need sex
  • have impulses or urges for sexual intimacy with a partner
  • get aroused specifically because of their romantic, aesthetic, or sensual attraction
  • want sex because of their romantic, aesthetic, or sensual attraction - that's when it's sexual attraction
  • desire or need casual sex encounters
  • get sexually excited during sex with a partner leading them to more passion for that partner or for that sexual act
  • get sexually passionate during intimacy 
  • have sexual fantasies that they'd like to act out with a partner

 

 

Keep in mind! Greysexuality and other grey-spectrum orientations are very real! someone grey-spectrum ain't ace ;) 

 

Also! on rare or unusual or conditional situations, some people are an except to these rules of thumb. But when they talk about their exception, it's just kinda obvious why it's an exception... such as a person saying, "I keep trying to have sex to try to get passionate about it, but it never happens!" or "when I cuddle and there's pressure and heat on my d*ck, I get physically aroused, but that's it really" or "Because my partner is sexual and wants me to have sex with them, and I am not repulsed by sex, when my libido is present - before I masturbate to lose it, I check to see if my partner wants to f*ck" or "because I am romantic, I don't mind sex really.. like their passion seems kind of romantically rewarding... not the sex itself tho, that's kinda eh and boring" etc. etc. 

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binary suns
  • A demisexual is someone who feels no sexual attraction nor sexual desire, except for some people who they form a close bond with, they start to feel attraction and/or desire. 
  • a late bloomer is someone who's attraction doesn't come until it comes. once they start feeling attraction, it's normal attraction - they feel it for many people, and it does not require a close bond. Usually late blooming either comes from late changes in puberty, or because something repressing their sexuality is healed. A demisexual can seem to be a late bloomer, but they are demisexual, not allosexual. 
  • a greysexual feels partial, conditional, or infrequent sexual attraction. if you feel infrequent sexual attraction be wary of possible repressed libido. partial attraction could be desire without attraction, or attraction without desire. Most conditional attraction experiences have another label that names the orientation more precisely. 
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Thank you all once again for the great advice. Your replies have made me feel better since the conversation with my sister about this.

@DryRain I think I agree with you about labels. I'm not that bothered about the label anymore, I kind of know what I'd class myself but I don't feel it's as important now. The comforting knowledge that I'm not weird and broken anymore is what's made me feel great recently, not the label itself. I think that I'll probably end up using the labels for other people's sake to explain asexuality.

 

Just as a side note, one of my coworkers who has questioned if I'm gay in the past, started asking about my sexuality again and was convinced I'm bisexual. I didn't give a definitive answer and instead tried to make a joke of it and asked why he seems to obsess over this, why would it matter even if I was etc. I thought the conversation had ended there but a couple other coworkers made passing comments the same day about me potentially being gay. I didn't really acknowledge them but do you think this is the right thing to do? I'm thinking of just ignoring the subject completely if it's brought up again but I was wondering how many of you have dealt with situations like this. Have you told your coworkers or does it not get brought up?

 

 

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