nat84 Posted March 16, 2018 Share Posted March 16, 2018 Hi, I've recently discovered the term "aromantic" It was a shift in my entire worldview. I never had crushes. I was always wondering if there's something wrong with me. My family is looking at me to procreate. I am not opposed to the idea of finding someone, getting married. But I can't make the shift from friends to more than friends because I don't have any feelings for the person. I feel stuck and tired. It's been 4 years of trying, going on blind dates, online dating. Now I realise why. I do want to experience love. I do want a life partner. But I just don't know how to do it. I feel obligated to get married and have kids. Though as of now, I think I am only doing all these because it is expected of me. Actually, I know so but filial piety is emphasized in Asia, Singapore is no exception. Then there's the ticking biological clock. I am female, I am a deadline for my "fertility" I feel stuck. Knowing about the existence of aromanticism doesn't help with my "problem". It's muddying the waters. I know I should just stop trying to find someone because I keep getting stuck at the same hurdle but I've been waiting for 30+ years. I'm afraid if I just wait, it will just pass me by. And i don't even get to experience this major part of what's normal to so many other people. Is there any Singaporeans here who can point me to the right place for a local network of aromantic people? Google is shit for this. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Gldlynch Posted March 16, 2018 Share Posted March 16, 2018 Hi nat84 Welcome to AVEN! Make yourself at home. Feeling feelings suck, but sometimes having the complete absence of feelings can feel even worse. You are not alone with your set of emotions. Sadly I am not from Singapore, so I don't know any local network of aromantic people, but I understand common Asian expectations as a whole (I'm Japanese). Many areas are still very conservative and expect us to meet, marry, settle down and procreate. I can only imagine the struggle of being aromantic, it probably feels like there's a certain love you want to offer a significant somebody but that love is not the romantic stuffing, just platonic stuffing. Perhaps you want to find a life companion and settle down that way. I'm sure you are destined to meet someone in due time. Don't let the pressures of society or your family force you into a situation of unhappiness. If your 'aro' situation feeds your anxiety, I'm sure sitting down with your family and friends and opening up with them will help. You don't have to put yourself into a vulnerable position if you aren't ready but just remember, speaking the truth is not a bad thing. There is a reason why "honesty is policy" is a social go-to phrase. There is nothing wrong with you, and there will be someone out there searching for a person just like you. Whilst you are looking to aromantic people in your society, maybe start off by finding people who are part of the queer community? Best of luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Lichley Posted March 16, 2018 Share Posted March 16, 2018 Welcome! Maybe you should check out the Meetup Mart if you want to meet others in your local area Link to post Share on other sites
nat84 Posted March 16, 2018 Author Share Posted March 16, 2018 That's a great idea I shall Link to post Share on other sites
Lia Posted March 16, 2018 Share Posted March 16, 2018 Hello there, and welcome to AVEN! As part of my welcome to you, I'd like to point out some important threads that might be helpful in your first few days here. The Terms of Service is here. We recommend you read it over, and if you have any questions please don't hesitate to send either myself or any other administrator or moderator (the "admod" team, as we're called) a message. Also, there's a handy forum called Site Info, which has some useful information including a thread outlining who moderates which forum. If you ever need something done in or have questions about a specific forum, please message the mod of that forum. And if you have problems with the site in general, or any single member, please message any admod. The following are also nifty links to take a look at: Welcome Lounge Mini Manual | Welcoming 101 | Quick Guide to the Forums | Asexuality FAQ's Again, welcome to AVEN and I hope your stay is everything you hoped! Link to post Share on other sites
banoffeepie Posted March 16, 2018 Share Posted March 16, 2018 13 hours ago, nat84 said: Is there any Singaporeans here who can point me to the right place for a local network of aromantic people? Google is shit for this. Thank you. I've sent a message to an aro in Singapore with your username. I'm pretty certain there are no groups there. She's never mentioned a group. Link to post Share on other sites
gaogao Posted March 16, 2018 Share Posted March 16, 2018 I'm from SG, but I'm not aromantic or living in the country at the moment. I am asexual - but in a relationship with another girl. I am sure you might have an idea of how this would go down with my family... Since I'm not in SG I don't think I can help you with finding a community, but I understand your POV and wish you all the best - I agree that finding queer communities might help. I've definitely seen a few threads on Singapore in the meetup mart here as well. I also know the Straits Times has actually done an article on Asexuality at some point a few years ago (it was picked up on here at AVEN) though I haven't kept up to date with that sort of thing so much... Either way, good luck!!! Link to post Share on other sites
nat84 Posted March 17, 2018 Author Share Posted March 17, 2018 Thank you for everyone who replied. It helps to know that I am not alone in feeling this way. Link to post Share on other sites
rosace Posted May 14, 2018 Share Posted May 14, 2018 Hi Nat, I am from Singapore too! It brings me comfort to know that I am not the only aromantic individual, especially in our conservative country. I grew up on the whole Disney romance, hoping one day it will be my chance to experience butterflies in my stomach, but as the years passed, I wondered why has it not happened yet. I had been waiting for this to happen for the longest time, but deep down I knew that romantic attraction was never going to be part of my identity. It's been a few years since I opened up to all my friends, and they brushed me off, saying that I had a "fear of commitment" and I "haven't met the right guy". To them, I am not a valid person because of the whole romantic narrative so ingrained in the human psyche. Am I broken? Is there something I lack? Thinking about this just gave me pain, that wouldn't all this suffering go away if I was just...normal? If I fell in love with a normal guy, live a normal life, have a normal family, and pass away peacefully. Sometimes I think I would have been better if I was gay; at least I was 'normal' for feeling romantic attraction. This despair still haunts me to this day. But it brings me hope to see other aromantics expressing their lack of romantic attraction. I know that I am not alone in this world. Perhaps, one day, I can find my purpose in life. That I can fully accept myself, as a 'normal' human being, and change the world for the better. Link to post Share on other sites
mitsukuni Posted May 14, 2018 Share Posted May 14, 2018 Hi! I am from Singapore too! I am also aromantic but struggling to understand if I may be asexual. I never had crushes before and it was difficult for me to understand what romance feels like. I found myself finding both gender attractive and wondered if I was bisexual at one point. Personally, I like the way I am. It only pains me when my mum blamed herself because she somehow felt it may be my upbringing that caused it. It is indeed a struggle trying to explain it to people because of how foreign the terms are. Link to post Share on other sites
NickyTannock Posted May 14, 2018 Share Posted May 14, 2018 @nat84 @rosace @mitsukuni Welcome to AVEN! Link to post Share on other sites
paperbackreader Posted May 14, 2018 Share Posted May 14, 2018 Hello @nat84, @rosace, and @mitsukuni -it sounds like we have quite similar experiences in different variations, and it's amazing to hear from all of you :-) Like most people from the ASEAN region - I can highly relate to the 'filial piety' conundrum. I got over it by accepting that I didn't choose my inherent orientation - it is something that just is. From a moral point of view, the impact is biggest on myself rather than hurting others, so there isn't a big basis for pretending or trying to be someone that I'm not. On the subject of 'Parents expressing guilt for bringing us up wrong'... This really gets at me too. I think it's important to tell our parents that we value their upbringing, and that we think it's amaze-balls by comparison to others. But to gently remind them also that they aren't dictators of us, and they have to accept that their kids are gonna be their own person - and that difference is not always negative, nor always influenced by them. Personally, I don't think you have to 'give up trying to find someone', although it would probably help if you accepted that you may not find someone that's gonna give you that 'Disney' feeling, and that missing out on that is OK. 'Normal' doesn't really exist as a singular, but as a range. Purpose in life is self-defined and can be so much bigger than finding a lifelong partner and having kids! As is tradition on AVEN - here's some happy nyonya kuehs (cake) for you guys, enjoy your stay here - you know you're definitely not alone! If there isn't a current Singaporean meetup, planning / proposing one sounds like a mighty good idea Link to post Share on other sites
Goonie Posted May 15, 2018 Share Posted May 15, 2018 hey welcome aboard I'm no where near Singapore, but understand what it's like from areas where there isn't a local network. Like has been pointed out earlier, meetup mart might be your place to start searching. Here's hoping you find some answers to the questions you seek and those you didn't know you had yet. Link to post Share on other sites
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