I'm scared

[njm00]

Hello- I don't really know how to start this off so I'll just give some background info. A couple of years ago, when I was 12 or 13, I remember having a "crush" of sorts on this boy in my grade. I say "of sorts" because I don't know if I was really attracted to him at all- I think it was just that we were all expected to like someone and I thought he looked nice? (I don't know if I thought it was sexual or just aesthetic attraction)  Anyways, fast forward past a few awkward conversations and I found out (through one of his friends) that he really like me. I don't know why, but I FREAKEd- like this overwhelming fear and anxiety came over me. I have no idea why- so I kind of ignore and forgot about my "crush" and just feel kind of grossed out. Over the next few months, nothing much happened but we went on a class field trip and all of a sudden these guys (who I had known since I was 6 years old) started calling me gay. Needless to say I was shocked- it just really messed me up. I couldn't help but think "omg do these people know more about me than I know myself? Is that why I freaked out about that boy who liked me? Am I gay? I was super confused and terrified- I felt like I didn't know myself at all. Anyways, these feelings of self-doubt caused me to spiral- I became depressed, cut myself off from my friends, developed a serious eating disorder, etc. Eventually, I was brought to the hospital for my eating disorder and was diagnosed with HOCD (its basically a form of OCD that was causing my self-doubt about my sexual orientation and having a huge amount of anxiety about it) This all happened almost 4 years ago.  I am now on medication to help with my OCD and depression- which is great but I still have this ridiculous amount of fear anytime someone likes me. Basically, I THINK I feel sexual desire, but if they start showing any interest in me/want to touch me I lose it. (so far I have only ever had guys like me so I'm worried that this could be because maybe I'm not straight? But then I start to panic because I start to feel that wave of self-doubt about my sexual orientation. I'm just so confused and so lost- and I'm scared because I don't want to start spiraling out of self-doubt and fear again  I tell myself that whenever a guy likes me, I'll just push past my uncontrollable fear and just let them take me on a date- but I can never do it. Does this inability of wanting to be in a relationship make me ace? Or something else? Or crazy? 

[Yep, me]

47 minutes ago, OptimisticPessimist said:

Welcome .

 

Your not crazy. I’m sorry all of that happened. If you don’t experience sexual attraction that is Asexual, if you experience no romantic attraction that is Aromantic. You may find these areas helpful. Their’s lots of support and advice here. 

 

https://www.asexuality.org/en/forum/90-romantic-and-aromantic-orientations/

 

 

I have the same advice, good luck!