I don't feel anything

[Ubertness]

Okay, I don't quite understand myself and considering I'm here you can probably tell why. Thing is, when I was younger, my family would tell me that I would some day get married to a girl and give my parents grandkids. Eventually, this one girl got a crush on me and my family essentially started shipping me with her. Thing is though, I didn't feel anything towards her. No attraction, no lust. Nothing. I felt bad about it. So  one night I told myself I should be finding her attractive. I told myself over and over. Then I felt something. I thought, "these must be hormones" for awhile I kept thinking that. Then, the day came where I had my first kiss. I heard the stories of how amazing it is I was building it up more than the idea of sex. Then I had my first kiss... and it was just divoid of any enjoyment. I thought this must be a mistake, it was supposed to be the most amazing moment of your life. I told my family, and they exploded with excitement. But my mom was the biggest voice. She told me how proud she was of me and how I should treasure the memory forever. I felt ashamed. I tried kissing the girl some more but nothing worked. I just couldn't enjoy kissing.

 

I thought about it some and I realized, the hormones I felt weren't hormones at all. They were a placebo. I Never actually felt real hormones I just pretended to feel them.

 

I began to dig deeper. I made the placebo go away, (which was REALLY easy) and I tried looking at and masturbating to certain photos and giving them an honest score on how appealing they were. These photos included some people. But also some everyday items like toothpaste or frying pans. The scores at the end were weird. Photos of men and women were about the same on averagevonly women were just slightly higher. But the humans didn't win. The winner, was toothpaste. Toothpaste is more appealing to me than a boob.

 

As I carried out these experiments I began to worry that if I am asexual... what happens? Will I never be able to go out with people? But even if the answer is no there is a good reason to want sex. Children. I want to be a father eventually. Anyone I happen to date would need to be willing to not have a hungry animal for a boyfriend. But, I love children. I want to raise a family. I want to get them ready for a first day of school. I want to accidentally walk in on them masturbating to celebrities. I want to eventually see them go to college and have a great future. This is what I want. But that desire cannot work without that desire for sex. 

 

When I realized this I tried putting that placebo back. But I couldn't. The placebo only worked because I thought it would. So I've been trying to return it one way or another. I've tried watching porn to see if it would bring it back. Which doesn't seem to be working. My brother recently walked in on me watching it. And being in a christian family gave the predictable response. He still thought I was heterosexual. Not surprised. Since removing the placebo I've just been pretending. It's not hard. I've learned how people with sex drives act after years of interaction with them. Actually, when he walked in. I felt no genuine guilt or even shame. I don't know if it's a symptome of being asexual but I really didn't. But I understood heterosexual people to the point where I could imitate them. My brother began telling me that I seemed flustered, kind of hoping he didn't see what I was looking at. But that was not really true. I pretended to. I knew he saw it. I didn't care. But I knew something like that would seem odd, so i pretended to feel embarrassed. Honestly, I'm kinda glad he saw it because now. (hopefully) they'll think I'm a hungry heterosexual who thinks about sex to the point he must watch porn constantly. Honestly, porn isn't enjoyable nor is it disgusting. I also barely ever watch it.

 

I know the deal. I should just be who I am, not what my family wants. But I should have you know, it's not my family who made me want to be a father. I just love children. I want to raise my own child one day. But now I fear I'll never be able to have children. I don't care if it was me lying to myself... if i could go back to having that placebo, I would trade everything I've ever had to get it back. But I realize now, that will never happen.

[Homer]

Hi

 

It looks like you're a little harsh towards yourself here, tbh.

 

So your family tried to "ship" you with this girl, but you didn't have feelings for her... fair enough. That's not a bad thing at all and there's no reason to blame anyone for this. It happens all the time. You can't just make yourself feel something because that's what you want to; that's not how feelings work. Even if you take the first kiss into consideration, that's just two people you didn't click with. Telling yourself that you "should" feel something will just add unnecessary pressure to the situation whereas most people would tell you that relaxation is key. Those things are meant to make you enjoy yourself more than they serve any other purpose, but telling yourself "c'mon dude, enjoy yourself! Now!" will work just as well as telling yourself to "sleep, dammit" or "I must relax" or "Whatever you do, don't think about purple elephants in the sky".

 

Tension won't lead to relaxation. Getting rid of these placebos was a good thing. It's just that, a placebo. It doesn't work; even if it might make you think that it works, it doesn't help anything and it won't improve anything. So it's an obstacle you got out of the way, which is 100% a good thing Lying to others might work for a while, but lying to yourself won't get you anywhere, ever.

 

I believe that you should work on getting rid of this pressure you put on yourself first, no matter whether you find a way to do it yourself or with the help of someone else. Only then will you have the chance to truly explore your feelings.

 

All the best