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Asterias

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A week ago today, I officially started my first serious romantic relationship. I've known that I'm hetero romantic ace for more than five years, and I've come out to my family and friends and generally don't hide my ace up the sleeve. But this is my first relationship, with anyone, in any sense, and I don't really know what to do. 

 

We have been friends for about three years, and he's a great guy. I have been aware of him liking me for quite some time. When he first confessed, I turned him down because I didn't feel the same, but it opened my eyes to the possibility of a relationship. Around valentines I started thinking i might like him too, and while I was trying my best to figure out what "like" really means and feels like, he kissed me. Now,  my brain and heart just sort of stopped functioning and I was so confused I didn't talk to him for a couple of days. When I couldn't avoid him anymore we had a talk, and I told him that I didn't know how I felt. We have been in some kind of limbo until last week, when I decided that my worrying about my not liking him would hurt him was a sign I actually cared for him and we made it official. 

 

I'm a bit awkward when it comes to social situations and still just getting used to the whole "boyfriend/girlfriend" thing. We have talked about boundaries on a small level, but one thing that worries me is that he is so much further into the relationship than I am. While I'm still not 100%sure about "like", he has already told me he loves me. And I know that he has liked me for a long time, and that it's sort of who he is, but I feel like a really bad person when he says that. The reason I was so reluctant to start the relationship in the first place was because I was afraid that I would end up hurting him because I don't know the first thing about having a partner. I know that I should tell him, but it feels so weird having to say cleanse, don't say you love me, it makes me feel bad". Part of me feel like I'm just stringing him along and that I'm just with him because I like the thought of a relationship, not because I like him. 

 

Relationships are hard, and I don't really know how to proceed without either hurting him or making me feel like a horrible person... 

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I think you should say these things to him.

Also it seems to me that you’ve been really eloquent in expressing how you feel.

Relationships ARE hard (says the person with no experience), anything similar to what you’ve described has terrified me, only by finding Ace have I begun to consider I might want a relationship. Still terrifying.

Sending you hugs and cake.

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General policy no 1: It is fine to be in love with me, as long as I am not expected to do anything about it.

 

General policy no 2: Everyone is responsible for their own choices and emotions.

 

General policy no 3: We owe ourselves the responsibility of making the choice that addresses our well being.

 

Going by these three that I swear by (I just invented them), I don't see a problem. You have been honest. He is in love. You are in like. Great. Nothing like a nice, attentive man to make you feel special. But be sure that you make choices that you are ok with.

 

Only area to watch out for may be kissing you before you made up your mind. If you think you will be expected to do something about his being in love with you, whether you feel ready or not, cut and run. A spontaneous kiss is no big deal, but if his horniness is somehow your responsibility - as in a pattern where you get blindsided by sexual actions, you don't have to take it. He isn't being attentive to you.

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Thank you both for your encouraging word, it helps a lot! <3

 

Sadly, I've only gotten even more confused. I went to a small house-party with some of my closest friends and had some really deep conversations. Well, I mostly listened and said some encouraging words, but if was great none the less. I had wanted to talk to them about my... Current predicament, but I never found the courage. Afterwards I got to thinking and realized that, though I have always wanted a romantic relationship, I may like the thought of liking him more than I actually like him.

 

The problem is that he's a great guy, and I do like him, weather or not it is in a romantic way. He's very nice and understanding and whenever I tell him I'm uncomfortable with something he always answers with something along the lines of "I understand and I'm here for you.". I mean, he's so nice I feel bad telling him I don't want to do the things he wants to do. And I know that I shouldn't be with him if I don't feel comfortable with all the things that a relationship involves, and this whole thing has got me racking my brain like crazy and feeling like a horrible person. But at the same time, I don't want to end things early just to figure out later that I actually liked him, and I feel like a super horrible person for considering breaking up after only a week when we have been in this sort of relationship-limbo for so long. And I know just how much he likes me, and it makes it so hard!

 

I just don't know what to do, and even though I'm leaning towards going back to just being friends, I just don't have the heart to tell him. I hate being so indecisive and not knowing what I feel or what I want! It sucks big time. 

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3 hours ago, Leviawolf said:

I may like the thought of liking him more than I actually like him.

My ace is like this too. He operates in concepts. The idea of a relationship, a family, an adopted child, and so on. Your mileage may vary, but they bring him real joy. He got attracted to me literally as a "fantasy" of sorts. I was a social media celeb he followed for a few years without me knowing. When chance interactiosn resulted in a friendship, he had a crush. When he felt understood by me, he was in love.... just like that. And yet, on another level, he is ace, he is "emotionally blind" - he feels things, but is not easily aware of them unless extreme, nor easily able to articulate. He barely knew me more than the pedestal he had put me on. There were things he admired about me for a long time, but they were more about the sort of ethics or actions of public people you admire, the relationship was largely in his head in the beginning. 

 

I liked him well enough, but didn't see him more than a fan with a crush till he stopped idolizing me and started relating to me as a person. (The imaginary relationship he was reacting to, was not actually present for a while)

 

That said, with time, there is also a real relationship that has built. Where I have a very legit and unique place in his life and he has learned to put words to what he feels with time. 

 

In the sense, he jumped into an imaginary relationship very rapidly, but his actual emotions took time getting there. But as the relationship lived up to his expectations or surpassed them in some ways, it slowly started becoming more and more real.

 

His sex drive still remains almost completely conceptual. A certain situation is sexy, a certain action at a specific time is sexy, and so on, because they are mental scenes he finds erotic. It is near impossible for me to be able to seduce him. Or for him to feel desire without those concepts being involved in some way - if only the idea of "in a sexual relationship with a hot woman" - outside that situation, he won't even find me hot, though he finds me unfailingly attractive.

 

Not pretending this isn't stormy or easy...we have almost broken up a couple of times, there have been times when one or both of us have felt completely broken/defective as lovable people over the "gaps" in how we relate. But today, it feels very worth it.

 

I wanted to write an optimistic post, but ended up writing a realistic one, I guess. Not easy, no guarantees, but possible.

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I don't know if it is similar for you, but if it were my ace describing a relationship with someone they like, but suspect may be more about the idea of liking them than actually liking them.... I'd tell him to see where that idea went. Sometimes, his feelings manifest as concepts in his mind, before he is aware of actually feeling them. With him, it is possible that what would normally be attraction if say... I felt it.... seems like "a suitable person" to his mind. He is not aware of feeling the attraction directly, but his mind recognizes some form of potential in a somewhat "removed" way.

 

So, not knowing if it was real or not, i'd suggest he test it and see what it was.

 

If it turns out not to be so, no harm, no foul. 

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