Claire1983 Posted March 15, 2018 Share Posted March 15, 2018 ALL OF THESE ENCOUNTERS WERE 100% CONSENSUAL! MY QUESTION IS NOT ABOUT CONSENT. I CONSENTED! MY QUESTION IS ABOUT MY FEELINGS AND WHETHER I SHOULD COUNT OR DISCOUNT THEM UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES! So I'm trying to sort through some of the finer points of being asexual and I keep thinking back to basically every sexual encounter I've ever had, and they were pretty much all alcohol induced minus a few times making out with a boyfriend or someone I was talking to. I do remember a few times having the urge to jump into bed with someone but I was really drunk. Some of the less drunken times I do remember it being kind of awkward once we started doing stuff. I never really initiated things, that I remember and just kind of followed their lead. Sober, I usually can't get to the point of wanting to have sex, although I do enjoy the foreplay stuff. I used to think this was anxiety, but now I suspect it could be that I'm asexual, but I'm not sure if these drunken experiences negate that or if I can dismiss them because I wasn't thinking clearly. So what are your thoughts on drunken sexual experiences? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gldlynch Posted March 15, 2018 Share Posted March 15, 2018 Hey Claire Being drunk can be all fun and games but a lot of the time, the intoxication does lead to a cloud in judgements. There is nothing wrong with having a sexual experience while being drunk, I'm sure it's quite common. Personally I have never experienced a sexual encounter while under the influence, but I've witnessed plenty - as long as both/all parties mutually consent the situation I don't think there is anything wrong with, usually people do it to "experiment" and that should be fine my all means (: Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Claire1983 Posted March 15, 2018 Author Share Posted March 15, 2018 3 minutes ago, Gldlynch said: Hey Claire Being drunk can be all fun and games but a lot of the time, the intoxication does lead to a cloud in judgements. There is nothing wrong with having a sexual experience while being drunk, I'm sure it's quite common. Personally I have never experienced a sexual encounter while under the influence, but I've witnessed plenty - as long as both/all parties mutually consent the situation I don't think there is anything wrong with, usually people do it to "experiment" and that should be fine my all means (: No, yeah, it was totally consensual. My predicament is that I don't know where it fits in with the idea that I could be asexual. Does feeling something while drunk invalidate that or does the drunkenness mean I can ignore what I think I was feeling at the time. I do think I may have been trying to "not suck at being straight" and have the wild sex life that I thought a healthy young woman should have, so it's hard to know if I was really feeling it or just tricking myself into thinking I did. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ReyGraves Posted March 15, 2018 Share Posted March 15, 2018 Wanting/having sex does not negate the ace identity. Can you remember if you actually attracted to the person you were with? Was it them you found attractive and thus wanted to have sex? Wanting/having/enjoying sex does not disqualify a person from being ace. (But if you’re still unsure then maybe look into grey asexual?) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gldlynch Posted March 15, 2018 Share Posted March 15, 2018 25 minutes ago, Claire1983 said: No, yeah, it was totally consensual. My predicament is that I don't know where it fits in with the idea that I could be asexual. Does feeling something while drunk invalidate that or does the drunkenness mean I can ignore what I think I was feeling at the time. I do think I may have been trying to "not suck at being straight" and have the wild sex life that I thought a healthy young woman should have, so it's hard to know if I was really feeling it or just tricking myself into thinking I did. Alcohol does weird things to our concentration so it might have been the "tricking myself" idea. Even if you did feel a sexual attraction, it doesn't invalidate your orientation - you might just be grey-ace. I guess it's a blurry scenario to deal with... being drunk often unfilters our thoughts and what is being said through our mouths however being sober is when we are able to think the most straight. Don't overthink it too much. Don't let a few nights of drunken judgements make you feel paranoid about your sexual preferences. Asexuality is all about attraction, not action. I still think you are part of the asexual family (: 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
fall Posted March 15, 2018 Share Posted March 15, 2018 Hi Claire1983, I feel like it doesn't really count if you were under the influence of something like alcohol. If you were to give consent to having sex with someone while extremely inebriated, then they probably shouldn't treat it as a definitive yes. In my opinion, consent while drunk is NOT the same as consent while sober. I've never drank before as I'm underage, so I can't really relate, but alcohol can do some pretty strange things. Besides, if you felt awkward / unattracted during sexual encounters, then you may be asexual. Try to look into it more! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Claire1983 Posted March 15, 2018 Author Share Posted March 15, 2018 10 minutes ago, ReyGraves said: Wanting/having sex does not negate the ace identity. Can you remember if you actually attracted to the person you were with? Was it them you found attractive and thus wanted to have sex? Wanting/having/enjoying sex does not disqualify a person from being ace. (But if you’re still unsure then maybe look into grey asexual?) Lol, I don't think I was in any state to remember much of anything! However, based on my thoughts when I'm sober it could simply be that I enjoy the attention and feeling wanted. So that could be the attraction. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Claire1983 Posted March 15, 2018 Author Share Posted March 15, 2018 7 minutes ago, Alex G. said: Hi Claire1983, I feel like it doesn't really count if you were under the influence of something like alcohol. If you were to give consent to having sex with someone while extremely inebriated, then they probably shouldn't treat it as a definitive yes. In my opinion, consent while drunk is NOT the same as consent while sober. I've never drank before as I'm underage, so I can't really relate, but alcohol can do some pretty strange things. Besides, if you felt awkward / unattracted during sexual encounters, then you may be asexual. Try to look into it more! Ok, the issue here isn't consent. There was definite consent. The issue is was there ATTRACTION on my part and if I kind of may think there might have been was that what I was really feeling or just the alcohol talking. I've been looking into it quite a bit, i'm just trying to reconcile some experiences that don't line up completely. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted March 15, 2018 Share Posted March 15, 2018 A gay friend of mine used to say 'you know the difference between between being straight guy and gay? About five pints of beer'. In other words, asexuals aren't the only ones whose sexual behaviour changes under the influence. Personally, I've never felt an inclination to do anything homosexual however drunk I've got, but it does make me less inhibited as a straight guy. That's what alcohol does, of course - suppress inhibitions. Knowing that does make me wonder whether some aspects of asexuality are therefore about inhibitions, just as some men who are for most purposes straight lose their inhibitions about being bi after they've had a drink, maybe something similar can happen with some asexual people. Does that make those people actually bi or sexual but normally too inhibited to express it? 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Tercy Posted March 15, 2018 Share Posted March 15, 2018 You hear plenty of stories of straight men who end up having sex with each other after a night of drinking, but I don't think it's the case that straight men suddenly find themselves attracted to men or that all straight men are just bisexuals in denial. It's probably (generally) just that they feel horny or want some affection or want to do something life-affirming - and they don't care (due to intoxication) who's on the other end. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Claire1983 Posted March 15, 2018 Author Share Posted March 15, 2018 16 minutes ago, Tercy said: You hear plenty of stories of straight men who end up having sex with each other after a night of drinking, but I don't think it's the case that straight men suddenly find themselves attracted to men or that all straight men are just bisexuals in denial. It's probably (generally) just that they feel horny or want some affection or want to do something life-affirming - and they don't care (due to intoxication) who's on the other end. This sounds a little closer to my experience. Perhaps I just wanted some cuddles and let it go further than I would feel comfortable with sober. I'm 34 and just recently learned about asexuality so I didn't know NOT feeling sexual attraction was a thing. So it didn't really occur to me that I could be feeling something else. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Claire1983 Posted March 15, 2018 Author Share Posted March 15, 2018 1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said: A gay friend of mine used to say 'you know the difference between between being straight guy and gay? About five pints of beer'. In other words, asexuals aren't the only ones whose sexual behaviour changes under the influence. Personally, I've never felt an inclination to do anything homosexual however drunk I've got, but it does make me less inhibited as a straight guy. That's what alcohol does, of course - suppress inhibitions. Knowing that does make me wonder whether some aspects of asexuality are therefore about inhibitions, just as some men who are for most purposes straight lose their inhibitions about being bi after they've had a drink, maybe something similar can happen with some asexual people. Does that make those people actually bi or sexual but normally too inhibited to express it? Well that's been the biggest question is what was stopping me, social anxiety or asexuality? Sober I'm pretty I'm not sexually attracted to anyone, but I definitely experience romantic, aesthetic and I'm pretty sure sensual attraction, so I'm trying to work out if the booze was over riding my anxiety or making me confuse other attractions that I didn't realize were separate from sexual Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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