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Demisexual/strong ace(??) Aid in the social realm


Specialkay

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Hello, I appear to be in a bit of a pickle, if anyone is willing to offer their two cents..

I have a boyfriend of almost 2 years, decent person, though his want of much sexual types of contact has caused tension numerous times. I also have this closer friend of the opposing gender. I recently have enjoyed his company more, and went to him in favour of my significant other when my childhood dog was euthanized recently. Despite this, I can only think of him as a friend. A really good friend, that I want to snuggle and have fun with, but cannot imagine anything sexual with him like I can with my partner.

Context done, a few things I fear: 

My boyfriend developing jealousy and fear that I'm cheating on him.

That my friend might be weirded out by my probably more sudden touchiness and friendliness.

That my friend has sheepishly admitted to having sexual attraction for me (plays into problem 2)

That I develop a sexual want for him down the line (though this isn't really able to be helped I think)

 

I dunno guys, this is almost a rant and I apologize, it just feels like I can't talk to anyone else about it, and I just wanted to see if anyone had any helpful advice, or has been in a similar situation before. Thanks for reading! +cake

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Hey Specialkay

 

Sounds like quite the pickle. My main advice in terms of those scenarios is to keep it clean and keep it honest. It's important to clarify where your romantic attraction stands and where your platonic attractions stands.

 

About your friend, do you like him like a brother? (That would be the ultimate friendzone statement). It might be a good idea to introduce your boyfriend to words like "squish" which sounds like the situation with your friend. There is nothing wrong with having friends among all genders but if you feel that your boyfriend is the jealous 'type', I would bring the matter up sooner rather than later - diffuse any potential bomb before it goes off.

 

Best of luck!

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If I may ask for some clarification..

What do you mean by where they stand? As far as what activities are involved, or what emotion is What? 

 

As far as an answer, it might frustrate to hear, but I'm actually not quite sure if I regard him as a brother or not.. 😅 

 

And I fear that though I may reintroduce squishes (I did actually mention them a long time ago unrelated to these events) he may forget or not believe me subconciously (as in he wouldnt openly say so or admit it) in the end.

Thank you so much!

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Several angles to this:

 

  • A partner is able to sense distance in the relationship. This may or may not be related to your relationship with your friend. If the relationship with your partner is stressed (because of sex, perhaps?), they will sense your attraction to someone else as a threat - particularly if you are monogamous, but really, even in a poly relationship, if the original relationship is not going well, partners tend to be insecure. For this, you would have to resolve issues with your partner on a priority basis, so there isn't a sense of discontent between you making him insecure and possessive for fear of losing you.
  • If you don't desire sex and you are attracted to this friend AND are having a problem on the sexual front with the partner:
    • Are you falling out of love with your partner and in love with your friend? If so, you will have to figure that one out.
    • Is intimacy with the friend important in the face of your partner's distress/insecurity? Only you can answer that. If the answer is yes, you may want to look at the previous point more closely.
    • If you do not with to leave your partner and you also sense that you could develop feelings for your friend, unless you are in a poly relationship, I'd advice establishing distance NOW. This, basically is how cheating relationships develop. Most often, people have no intention, but closeness simply happens and grows.
  • About your friend:
    • Your friend feels sexual attraction to you. You are getting intimate to them, while distant from a partner you are apparnetly in a sexual relationship with. You also say you could get sexually attracted to your friend. RED FLAG You could be sending mixed messages here.
    • What happens, if your friend gets more attached to you?
    • What happens if you get more attached to the friend?
    • If your friend is attracted to you, you could be attracted to them, you have sexual problems in your relationship with your partner, what do you expect your partner to think in this situation? The obvious seems to be what he has done. If there is an alternative explanation, you are going to have to explain it to him.

A quicker solution may be to toss a coin in the air, if it is heads, you want your partner, if it is tails, you want your friend. Toss it up, and before it falls, catch what you are hoping the answer will be :P Jokes apart, you could probably drift along in this situation for a while, but sooner or later, you are headed for causing heartbreak to all three of you if you proceed without clear thought. Don't drift along into something that you could end up regretting badly.

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In reply to anamikanon, I suppose some clearing up could help with a few bullet points (as many of your questions I am to ask myself, yes?). My friend admitted that he does have some sexual attraction for me, and my fear of being attracted to him might be wanton as with demis a very close bond developed over much time can cause sexual attraction, but not always. Ex. I can't imagine doing anything remotely  sexual or even really romantic with said friend, gross :P.  And the sexual troubles with my problem lie not in sex specifically ,(we both agreed not for a good year or two) but with him sorta smothering me with wanting to do more and more all the time. I have let him know recently that I am going through another 'recession' in wanting that sort of thing (where I feel it's diluting the love again) and he says he's ok with that. To note he does not feel jealous at the present, but it is a fear of mine. Thanks a bunch for your detailed response!

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Basically, if there is distance between you and your partner, he will not be able to help himself from comparing with where you are choosing to not be distant. You will probably have to reassure him in some manner.

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