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Kind of like "QPR" with women...but without the P


Vincisomething

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Vincisomething

So, I think I figured it out. I'm a demisexual who is romantically attracted to men exclusively. I spent years wondering about my attraction for women or if it even existed because I didn't have the same attraction for them like I did with men. I often craved sexual relations with women, but I would find that I was never attracted to any woman I met- never had a crush on a girl, never will (meanwhile, I can have crushes on 3 guys at the same time). Then I started thinking about QPR... but without the P. I'm not sure if there's a name for that where a woman and I are in a relationship past the friendship and even best friend level, but it certainly isn't romantic (and we both understand that it would be temporary because still want romantic (and sexual) relations with men). QR relationships? 

 

I'm also not sure if I want to label myself bisexual because I'm not attracted to men and women the same way, especially when it comes to romantic attraction. I'm already tired of trying to explain demisexuality to people (I'm sure you all know how that feels lol). I'm already tired of thinking of explaining, "yeah, I like women, but not like that. No, qpr isn't just friendship... no, she's not my girlfriend. "

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30 minutes ago, Vincisomething said:

I'm not sure if there's a name for that where a woman and I are in a relationship past the friendship and even best friend level, but it certainly isn't romantic

I think a lot of people just call this a relationship.

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1 hour ago, Vincisomething said:

Then I started thinking about QPR... but without the P. I'm not sure if there's a name for that where a woman and I are in a relationship past the friendship and even best friend level, but it certainly isn't romantic

I don’t understand. A QPR is...that. It’s past friendship and to me, past best friend. While not being romantic. 

By QPR without the P, you mean a Queer relationship without the platontic?

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Vincisomething
21 hours ago, ReyGraves said:

I don’t understand. A QPR is...that. It’s past friendship and to me, past best friend. While not being romantic. 

By QPR without the P, you mean a Queer relationship without the platontic?

 

22 hours ago, Wish Bear 🌠 said:

I think a lot of people just call this a relationship.

I'm telling you it's not.... the point of QPR is that it's NOT a romantic relationship... or one I'm comfortable calling a relationship. If I was attracted to women the same way I am with men, I totally would, but I'm not so...

http://aromantic.wikia.com/wiki/Queerplatonic

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Vincisomething
21 hours ago, ReyGraves said:

I don’t understand. A QPR is...that. It’s past friendship and to me, past best friend. While not being romantic. 

By QPR without the P, you mean a Queer relationship without the platontic?

Yes, I was wondering if there was a version where it isn't platonic. The term, "queer relationship" would confuse people and think it means a non cishet relationship, but in this relationship, cishets can be in this type of relationship, too (which is the same for QPR). I'm not romantically attracted to women, so I'm not comfortable calling it that kind of relationship (or calling her my girlfriend because she wouldn't be). However, I know the attraction is sort of QPR, if only there was a term that wasn't strictly platonic. I think from rooted in my demisexuality because I need that deep emotional connection, but that connection doesn't have to be exclusively romantic, especially for women.

 

In between?

Not really romantic?

 

There has to be a term for this because the ones I listed are kind of lame...

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You said without the "platonic," though. That's why we're confused. Adding in the "platonic" before "relationship" makes it clear that it isn't romantic.

 

Also, it's like @ReyGraves said, a platonic relationship is more than a friendship but not a romantic relationship.

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Vincisomething
9 minutes ago, Wish Bear 🌠 said:

You said without the "platonic," though. That's why we're confused. Adding in the "platonic" before "relationship" makes it clear that it isn't romantic.

 

Also, it's like @ReyGraves said, a platonic relationship is more than a friendship but not a romantic relationship.

I didn't say it was romantic, I said the complete opposite lol. I said It's not romantic, but in this case, it's sexual (but it's not just fwb). That strong emotional bond, but lack of romantic attraction is there, just like a QPR. The only difference between what I'm trying to define and QPR is that one is sexual and the other is platonic. I'm trying to find a word for that.

 

QPR:

- a relationship that has a strong emotional bond, but isn't romantic in nature

- platonic

 

Whatever the heck I'm trying to define:

- a relationship that has a strong emotional bond, but isn't romantic in nature

- not platonic

 

 

I've been trying to say I'm NOT romantically attracted to women, but there is an emotional attraction. 

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Vincisomething
3 minutes ago, Wish Bear 🌠 said:

You don't seem to be understanding what we're trying to communicate.

And what is that because I'm saying the same thing at you guys. There's obviously a miscommunication somewhere. Just so we're on the same page, what did it sound like i've been trying to ask? Because from my end, it sounds like I'm being misunderstood.

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Alejandrogynous
22 hours ago, Vincisomething said:

I'm also not sure if I want to label myself bisexual because I'm not attracted to men and women the same way, especially when it comes to romantic attraction. I'm already tired of trying to explain demisexuality to people (I'm sure you all know how that feels lol). I'm already tired of thinking of explaining, "yeah, I like women, but not like that. No, qpr isn't just friendship... no, she's not my girlfriend. "

A lot of bisexual people experience their attractions to men and women in different ways. It's also very possible to only have sexual feelings for one gender and only romantic feelings for another (homoromantic heterosexual or visa-versa) or sexual feelings for both but only romantic feelings for one. I think that latter case is actually a fairly normal bisexual experience, though I am not bi myself so don't take my word over theirs. If you like to sleep with both women and men, that's the definition of bisexual, regardless of who you fall in love with.

 

23 hours ago, Vincisomething said:

So, I think I figured it out. I'm a demisexual who is romantically attracted to men exclusively. I spent years wondering about my attraction for women or if it even existed because I didn't have the same attraction for them like I did with men. I often craved sexual relations with women, but I would find that I was never attracted to any woman I met- never had a crush on a girl, never will (meanwhile, I can have crushes on 3 guys at the same time). Then I started thinking about QPR... but without the P. I'm not sure if there's a name for that where a woman and I are in a relationship past the friendship and even best friend level, but it certainly isn't romantic (and we both understand that it would be temporary because still want romantic (and sexual) relations with men). QR relationships? 

I'm confused too, honestly. A Queer Platonic Relationship without the P is literally just Queer Relationship. Which is what queer people call... well, a relationship. A relationship that's more than friendship but not romantic is literally what the P is meant to express.
 

I'm not sure if what you're describing would be called that, though... I mean, I don't know you, but. In my understanding, the biggest defining factor of QPRs IS the exclusivity of them. They're not a temporary thing while both people wait for other partners - they are each other's partners. It's a commitment. Having a sexual relationship with someone you don't have romantic feelings for but still care about deeply is just (in my opinion), a very close friend that you sleep with.


Relationships are messy, they're not always easily defined or put in boxes. That's why "It's complicated" is such a cliche. 

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Vincisomething
Just now, Alejandrogynous said:

A lot of bisexual people experience their attractions to men and women in different ways. It's also very possible to only have sexual feelings for one gender and only romantic feelings for another (homoromantic heterosexual or visa-versa) or sexual feelings for both but only romantic feelings for one. I think that latter case is actually a fairly normal bisexual experience, though I am not bi myself so don't take my word over theirs. If you like to sleep with both women and men, that's the definition of bisexual, regardless of who you fall in love with.

 

I'm confused too, honestly. A Queer Platonic Relationship without the P is literally just Queer Relationship. Which is what queer people call... well, a relationship. A relationship that's more than friendship but not romantic is literally what the P is meant to express.
 

I'm not sure if what you're describing would be called that, though... I mean, I don't know you, but. In my understanding, the biggest defining factor of QPRs IS the exclusivity of them. They're not a temporary thing while both people wait for other partners - they are each other's partners. It's a commitment. Having a sexual relationship with someone you don't have romantic feelings for but still care about deeply is just (in my opinion), a very close friend that you sleep with.


Relationships are messy, they're not always easily defined or put in boxes. That's why "It's complicated" is such a cliche. 

My only thing is that the attraction I have for close friends and the attraction I would have for a woman I share that emotional bond with is different. For example, I'm not sexually attracted to my best friend or other close friends I have. I think it's valid for you, but it's not how it relates to me. I was also saying in my scenario it would be temporary because I still want to be in a romantic relationship with a male, not that QPRs are temporary. I don't know, it makes sense in my head, but apparently, I have a hard time trying to explain it. Ugh, why is this all so complicated. I thought explaining demisexuality to people was already hard enough 😩. 

 

I was also hesitant of calling it bisexuality because I didn't want people to think I also want relationships with women like I do with men mostly because I feel tired just thinking of explaining how my attraction towards men and women are different (e.g. I wouldn't put men and women as my facebook option). Both require that level of deep emotional connection, hence my demisexuality, but I'm only romantically attracted to men while I can feel "emotional bonding that's past even close friendship, but isn't romantic" with women at best

 

But if bisexuality doesn't care about the romantic attraction, I guess I have to go with bi and explain to people, that this hypothetical woman is someone "I share an emotional bond/attraction with but it's not romantic. Yes, there is sexual attraction but we're not a wlw couple."

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Why don't you just experience it and live it, without trying to explain it.   Do you feel like you have to explain it to other people?

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@Vincisomething I think the distinguishing factor between your friend(s) and a woman is the sexual attraction. Of course you wouldn't feel exactly the same about your friend that you don't want sex with.

 

The emotional connection sounds like infatuation, if you don't want anything lasting with her like a friendship or romantic relationship.

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Alejandrogynous
14 minutes ago, Vincisomething said:

My only thing is that the attraction I have for close friends and the attraction I would have for a woman I share that emotional bond with is different. For example, I'm not sexually attracted to my best friend or other close friends I have. I think it's valid for you, but it's not how it relates to me. I was also saying in my scenario it would be temporary because I still want to be in a romantic relationship with a male, not that QPRs are temporary. I don't know, it makes sense in my head, but apparently, I have a hard time trying to explain it. Ugh, why is this all so complicated. I thought explaining demisexuality to people was already hard enough 😩. 

And that's all fine! You do you, however you feel best expressing your feelings. Just, to me, saying you want a temporary QPR is like saying you want to get married but only for a little while. :lol: Kind of impractical and a misrepresentation of what being married means, right? People in QPRs build lives with each other, or at least that's the intention, just like with conventional relationships.

 

In my experience, trying to find that perfect obscure label to define something really just makes it more confusing for both you and others. I have much better luck keeping things simple, like "Yeah, we sleep together. Nah, we're not dating. We're close but not like that, ya know?" Even without the details, people generally get the gist of that pretty well. If they ask why, you can say you just don't think of each other that way. Because what else can they say to that, really? And if they don't believe you, so what? It's your relationship, not theirs, they don't need to understand it.

 

14 minutes ago, Vincisomething said:

I was also hesitant of calling it bisexuality because I didn't want people to think I also want relationships with women like I do with men mostly because I feel tired just thinking of explaining how my attraction towards men and women are different (e.g. I wouldn't put men and women as my facebook option). Both require that level of deep emotional connection, hence my demisexuality, but I'm only romantically attracted to men while I can feel "emotional bonding that's past even close friendship, but isn't romantic" with women at best

 

But if bisexuality doesn't care about the romantic attraction, I guess I have to go with bi and explain to people, that this hypothetical woman is someone "I share an emotional bond/attraction with but it's not romantic. Yes, there is sexual attraction but we're not a wlw couple."

People like to sleep with people, and you can want to sleep with someone without wanting to date them. People understand this. Saying you like to sleep with both but only date men isn't confusing - at least no more confusing than being bi in a sexual AND romantic sense is to some people, lol. You don't have to call yourself bi, though, I was just saying that you're not excluded from the label just because you don't want to romantically date women.

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So a woman could be a “friend with benefits” but technically “queerplatonic partner with benefits”?

 

So I think I understand, you get as emotionally close to woman as people in QPRs get but on top of that there’s sex involved?

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2 minutes ago, ReyGraves said:

So a woman could be a “friend with benefits” but technically “queerplatonic partner with benefits”?

 

So I think I understand, you get as emotionally close to woman as people in QPRs get but on top of that there’s sex involved?

"Friend with benefits" means sex without romance.  It doesn't  mean platonic.

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1 hour ago, Sally said:

"Friend with benefits" means sex without romance.  It doesn't  mean platonic.

Yeah, but adding QP adds the platontic in there.

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34 minutes ago, ReyGraves said:

Yeah, but adding QP adds the platontic in there.

"benefits" means sex.

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49 minutes ago, Sally said:

"benefits" means sex.

I know what friends with benefits means. Unless I’m still massively misunderstanding something here, OP is romantically and sexually attracted to men. But also has sexual relations with woman, but not romantic ones? However, they feel that the bonds they could make woud be more along the lines of a QPR. Thus instead of just friends with the “benefits” of sex. It’s a QPR with the “benefit” of sex. I’m bascially just replacing the type of relationship that has the added “benefit”. I don’t understand what you’re trying to correct me on. (PM if you want to continue I don’t want to keep filling up this thread with debate.)

 

I apologize to the OP if I’m way off track with understanding your attraction.

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Vincisomething
20 hours ago, ReyGraves said:

So a woman could be a “friend with benefits” but technically “queerplatonic partner with benefits”?

 

So I think I understand, you get as emotionally close to woman as people in QPRs get but on top of that there’s sex involved?

Yes! It's exactly that. The part where someone said, "but it's not romantic." confused me because I was like, "but I said that...?".

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Vincisomething
17 hours ago, ReyGraves said:

I know what friends with benefits means. Unless I’m still massively misunderstanding something here, OP is romantically and sexually attracted to men. But also has sexual relations with woman, but not romantic ones? However, they feel that the bonds they could make woud be more along the lines of a QPR. Thus instead of just friends with the “benefits” of sex. It’s a QPR with the “benefit” of sex. I’m bascially just replacing the type of relationship that has the added “benefit”. I don’t understand what you’re trying to correct me on. (PM if you want to continue I don’t want to keep filling up this thread with debate.)

 

I apologize to the OP if I’m way off track with understanding your attraction.

Well, I never had sex or had those types of emotiona attractions yet, but I know I have those types of attractions. I was confused about the "platonic means it's not romantic" because I was talking about how the P in platonic means non-sexual. Saying QPR with sex benefits would be an "I guess?" solution, but platonic means it's not sexual. That's where my confusion came from.

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Vincisomething
22 hours ago, Sally said:

Why don't you just experience it and live it, without trying to explain it.   Do you feel like you have to explain it to other people?

I don't feel like I have to, but the label is for me and my convenience. It feels like I know myself better and I figured out my identity- it's like I have a handle on it and I know who I am and those that are familiar with the term would get it too (if they didn't, I could just direct them to Google lol).  Before I knew the word "genderflux," it was "some days I'm female, sometimes I'm agender." Because I couldn't find a word for it at the time, I felt like it was something I made up. Like it wasn't concrete. Idk, it just solidifies everything for me.

 

It's a lot easier for someone to say, "I'm a pansexual homoromantic trans man" (assuming they're talking to someone who knows what those words mean) than, "I'm sexually attracted to all genders, but I exclusively date people that are of my gender. I was also assigned female at birth, but my true gender is of that of a male" every time they meet someone. 

 

And it's a shorter label to put on my facebook about me ;)

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Vincisomething
22 hours ago, Wish Bear 🌠 said:

@Vincisomething I think the distinguishing factor between your friend(s) and a woman is the sexual attraction. Of course you wouldn't feel exactly the same about your friend that you don't want sex with.

 

The emotional connection sounds like infatuation, if you don't want anything lasting with her like a friendship or romantic relationship.

I always assumed infatuation meant crush, which for me was a basis of a romantic attraction. 

 

... Did I have the wrong definition for infatuation this whole time?? 

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1 hour ago, Vincisomething said:

Well, I never had sex or had those types of emotiona attractions yet, but I know I have those types of attractions. I was confused about the "platonic means it's not romantic" because I was talking about how the P in platonic means non-sexual. Saying QPR with sex benefits would be an "I guess?" solution, but platonic means it's not sexual. That's where my confusion came from.

Couldn’t ‘friends’ also be implied to be non-sexual? Like, when you say you’re friends then people don’t assume that your having sex. And if you tell someone you’re in a QPR (assuming they know what that means) then it’s assumed non-sexual? But I see your point, having platontic directly in the name of the relationship does throw it off, huh. 

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When you say you're friends, people assume that you are NOT having sex.  

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binary suns

A QPR is a platonic, close relationship that might appear romantic due to sharing each other's life, or being friends who are unusually close, but it isn't a romantic relationship. 

 

If it isn't P, it's not platonic... meaning it's either a romantic relationship or a sexual relationship. 

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18 hours ago, Vincisomething said:

I always assumed infatuation meant crush, which for me was a basis of a romantic attraction. 

 

... Did I have the wrong definition for infatuation this whole time?? 

I actually studied infatuation, so I might be able to contribute here if not to the larger discussion. One of my favorite explanations is from Sternberg's triangular theory of love. Short version: there are three possible components of love--passion (where this means intensity of feeling rather than necessarily a desire for sex), intimacy, and decision/commitment. He suggests infatuation is just passion alone. So it could lead to what's called limerence, or the emotional part of an obsessive crush, but it could also be strong sexual attraction. It doesn't have to be both.

 

So the short answer is... if you buy what some psychologists and philosophers are saying, you had a partial definition. :)

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binary suns
On 3/15/2018 at 10:00 PM, Vincisomething said:

 

I'm telling you it's not.... the point of QPR is that it's NOT a romantic relationship... or one I'm comfortable calling a relationship. If I was attracted to women the same way I am with men, I totally would, but I'm not so...

http://aromantic.wikia.com/wiki/Queerplatonic

aromantic people can be in romantic relationships. I advise not to let romance repulsion get in the way of acknowledging romance in your relationship, if it is there. Denial of any kind can be dangerous, don't let your discomfort or fears create denial... it'll be okay don't worry :) you don't have to be alloromantic or to find the relationship romantic or to want it to be romantic... but if it is romantic for her, that needs to be something she knows you recognize. 

 

romance isn't "I find it romantic" - romance is certain behaviors and closenesses. Aromantic people either do not want those, or do not find them romantic. an aromantic person can function in a romantic relationship and still remain aromantic. 

 

Maybe you are in a mixed relationship? If so, then talk to your partner if you would prefer to call it a QPR, mixed, or romantic. Come to an agreement with her and be consistent with her.

 

 

You've stated you don't want to call it romantic - but be willing to acknowledge its romance if it is there, between you and her - assuming she is romantic that is - but then tell her that you either want to call it a QPR - or a mixed relationship. People in mixed relationships often call it "QPR"

 

If you and her are both aromantic, just call it a QPR, or a partnership, or a relationship. 

 

call her your partner. call her anything. no one requires you to call her your gf. "partner" is a term even used for business partnership, so it indicates a serious relationship when used personally, but does not intrinsically imply romance. 

 

 

 

if you feel that the relationship being sexual implies it can't be platonic, then call it a relationship or a partnership. call her your partner perhaps, or some other word. I'm sorry if none of my suggestions settle with you.. I hope they do tho... if they don't I'd be curious enough to try to work out some words you're comfortable using ;) But IMO I think "partnership", "relationship". "mixed relationship" or "qpr" all would be fine to use .

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Vincisomething
21 hours ago, ReyGraves said:

Couldn’t ‘friends’ also be implied to be non-sexual? Like, when you say you’re friends then people don’t assume that your having sex. And if you tell someone you’re in a QPR (assuming they know what that means) then it’s assumed non-sexual? But I see your point, having platontic directly in the name of the relationship does throw it off, huh. 

Yeah, and also with friends, it's assumed we don't have that really deep emotional connection. And if i say QPR, like you said, it's assumed to be nonsexual.

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