Lying about my asexuality and saying that I'm waiting until marriage to lose my virginity.

[guiltykamote]

Hi everyone I just want your opinions about this topic. 

 

I'm an 18 year old girl and every since I was 13, I've known that I am asexual (even though I never really knew what this feeling of repulsion towards sex was even called at 13). I've never felt any sexual connection with people and I could never imagine myself to even have sex! But I'm not out yet to my peers or to my family as an asexual since I'm too baby to tell them. So, when the topic of sex arrives during conversations with my friends, I can't contribute anything towards it because I honestly have no opinions about it, other than I don't really care about it. But when they do ask me about my opinions, I shy away and just say "I'm waiting until marriage." (I genuinely do believe in waiting until marriage because I think it's sweet - this is just my opinion though). But when I do say that I'm waiting until marriage, my friends go crazy and tell me that it's wrong blah blah blah and that what if my partner is bad at sex blah blah >->. Like honestly, why does sex have to be so important in a relationship? Can't people just be in a relationship for the sake of loving that person and because you care about them and not because you want to have sex with them. I understand that for my friends, sex is an integral part of their relationship, but for me I don't believe in that. 

 

So I ask you this, how can I tell my friends to back off about the whole sex thing without having to use the ol' "I'm waiting until marriage" excuse?

[Claire1983]

You could always bring up pregnancy and the myriad of STDs as reasons you don't want to have sex.

[Man of the Stoa]

16 minutes ago, guiltykamote said:

Like honestly, why does sex have to be so important in a relationship? Can't people just be in a relationship for the sake of loving that person and because you care about them

Why not tell them something like this? That is, if they bring up the concern of your partner being bad at sex, you could just say that surely if your love is the primary concern, and that the foundation of your relationship is rooted in this mutual love, then bad sex won't matter?

 

Also, just from an objective point of view, if you only ever have the one point of reference, you probably won't know if they're good or bad. Assuming that the sex isn't so horrifically bad that it's painful, then how would you know if the pleasant experience if less pleasant than average? Just a thought.

[Orianaro]

I'm surprised they're so against you being celibate (saying you're waiting til marriage for sex.) A rather rapid turn around between generations... Personally I've never really had this issue: but partly because I'm a bit of a huge nerd, so people just kind of shrug and essentially attribute my lack of interest in sex and relationships in general to being a geek (which is a little annoying, but it gets them off my back). I'm assuming you don't want to explain asexuality to your friends either and nor would I recommend it, its a hard thing for a sexual person to understand without accidentally stepping on your toes and saying 'oh I get it' while completely missing the point ('You just haven't found the right one', 'You've got to try it first', 'Do you have trauma or something?', etc). I would suggest stressing to them that's its just not a huge priority for you: priority being the key word. Because for them, they can fill in the blanks and assume that you still care about it, you just think of more important things like *gasp* trust and compatibility. Or whatever you're looking for: essentially deflect by letting them assume you care, just not as much as other things. Then they'll probably think of you as the wholesome, maybe more innocent person in the group, but then hopefully they'll eventually pick up on your disinterest and leave off it. 

[Lucas Monteiro]

1 hour ago, Orianaro said:

I'm surprised they're so against you being celibate (saying you're waiting til marriage for sex.) A rather rapid turn around between generations... Personally I've never really had this issue: but partly because I'm a bit of a huge nerd, so people just kind of shrug and essentially attribute my lack of interest in sex and relationships in general to being a geek (which is a little annoying, but it gets them off my back). I'm assuming you don't want to explain asexuality to your friends either and nor would I recommend it, its a hard thing for a sexual person to understand without accidentally stepping on your toes and saying 'oh I get it' while completely missing the point ('You just haven't found the right one', 'You've got to try it first', 'Do you have trauma or something?', etc). I would suggest stressing to them that's its just not a huge priority for you: priority being the key word. Because for them, they can fill in the blanks and assume that you still care about it, you just think of more important things like *gasp* trust and compatibility. Or whatever you're looking for: essentially deflect by letting them assume you care, just not as much as other things. Then they'll probably think of you as the wholesome, maybe more innocent person in the group, but then hopefully they'll eventually pick up on your disinterest and leave off it. 

Your advice it's really good but still it's truly sad that we can't openly say that we don't care for sex without people looking weird or thinking that it's the most important thing in a relationship or that at the very least, you can't be in a relationship without doing sometimes. I hope that someday people may accept the idea that not wanting sex it's just as valid as wanting sex. People got so obsessed over being pro-sex that forgot that they would still affect some people who doesn't care for sex or doesn't think it's a huge priority in a relationship. Seriously, just looking over internet you can see thousands of good relationships ending because of the factor sex.

[Guest]

To a sexual person, the advice of don't wait is a good idea... cause sexual incompatibility can and does destroy marriages and you have no way of knowing until you actually have sexual experiences. 

 

But, for an ace, obviously it doesn't matter.

 

So... your friends are giving advice that is accurate from their PoV. But, you can just say you don't consider sex a primary factor so it wouldn't matter to you if the partner was good/bad, as long as they loved you, or whatever.

 

If you do find a partner though be sure to tell them the truth, cause saying waiting until marriage would lead them to believe after marriage it'll be normal. 

[anamikanon]

7 hours ago, guiltykamote said:

I'm not out yet to my peers or to my family as an asexual since I'm too baby to tell them.

Respect your own choices. You chose not to tell them. There doesn't need to be an explanation. You are an autonomous person who decides what you tell others or not. Why I am stressing this will be relevant further below.

 

7 hours ago, guiltykamote said:

So, when the topic of sex arrives during conversations with my friends, I can't contribute anything towards it because I honestly have no opinions about it, other than I don't really care about it. But when they do ask me about my opinions, I shy away and just say "I'm waiting until marriage."

You don't owe anyone conversation on any subject. "Not interested" should work fine. You don't have to provide reasons. If you provide reasons, expect there to be debate about them. An untrue reason will just clutter you up with unnecessary conversations on a subject you want to avoid. Simply refuse. They will accept it sooner or later.

 

7 hours ago, guiltykamote said:

(I genuinely do believe in waiting until marriage because I think it's sweet - this is just my opinion though).

I understand that aces often operate from mental concepts of what is romantic, sexy, etc rather than actual responses to real events. However, I would caution you that in the real world, this is basically a concept that denies women the power to choose a sexual life by committing them to a partner who may be good or terrible, without their knowledge. It is cultural brainwashing that sees "sweetness" in a naive girl entering a life altering gamble completely blind - in essence handing over considerable power over her happiness to her partner. It disempowers people and while it is a mental idea, it is harmless (women actually can get off on rape fantasies, though real rape is invariably traumatic - for example). Just adding this caution, because from what I have seen, aces can be really clueless on the sexual front, and can make some poor choices based on mental images. If you actually get into a relationship, please never wait to have sex after committing to it. A fifteen minute "I do" can take months and years of headaches to undo if it turns out to be a bad idea.

 

7 hours ago, guiltykamote said:

But when I do say that I'm waiting until marriage, my friends go crazy and tell me that it's wrong blah blah blah and that what if my partner is bad at sex blah blah

Your friends are right. They don't know that the waiting for marriage thing is just an excuse you are giving them to cover your disinterest in sex. They are giving you sound advice, except it is based on incorrect information you provided them.

 

7 hours ago, guiltykamote said:

 Like honestly, why does sex have to be so important in a relationship? Can't people just be in a relationship for the sake of loving that person and because you care about them and not because you want to have sex with them. I understand that for my friends, sex is an integral part of their relationship, but for me I don't believe in that. 

Sex does not have to be important in a relationship IF both partners agree. One partner thinking sex is important and another not is a recipe for disaster and those who are able to feel sexual attraction see it as a very powerful source of intimacy in a relationship. To a sexual, "why does sex have to be important in a relationship" makes about as much sense as "why do people want to live in the same home just because they love" or "why do you have to repeat I love you? I am not deaf, I heard you the first time months ago" or "why is hugging important to expressing love?" - because it is like that to us, it is natural, instinctive behavior when in love/attracted. It does not have to make sense for it to be very important.

 

A sexual may knowingly agree to give up sex because you matter to them, but assuming that it wouldn't matter to them is going to be a huge problem. It comes across to us as a rejection or not valuing our love, etc.

 

If both partners don't want sex, it won't matter at all, but don't consider this something you can dismiss lightly without confirming that a potential partner does not want sex, because if you get into a relationship with a sexual assuming that they will dismiss sex as easily as you, you'll sign both of you up for some very difficult times and heartbreak.

 

7 hours ago, guiltykamote said:

 

So I ask you this, how can I tell my friends to back off about the whole sex thing without having to use the ol' "I'm waiting until marriage" excuse?

"Not interested" is your best bet. You don't have to explain everything to everyone. Inventing reasons to give them will only result in valid arguments on their part that put you in a spot. You don't have to give reasons, and when you do, it usually works out better to state the truth. Some of this confidence also comes with age and you are still young. But it is fine to assert your space and tell people to back off from it.

[plasticapollos]

Tell them that you haven't met anyone hot enough to even bother wanting to have sex with. Then look them directly in the eyes, don't blink. And stare for a good minute. Then preferably sip some sort of beverage. 

Uncomfortability is your best weapon :3 Honestly, it sounds like they're trying to have more of a religious debate, seeing you as some fragile doll who they need to push out in to the world. Especially if you use the phrase "waiting till marriage" because of the connotation. However, to you, this debate has more to do with your asexuality and what you're comfortable with, your priorities, and the things you take pride in.  So I see why you're stuck.

I mean, it's hard to explain without a 10 page paper about what asexuality is and a billboard. So they're just not going to understand despite what excuse or explanation you make simply because they THINK they already know you and why you're making those decisions. But since it bothers you, I think the best thing you can do is be confident in your true choices, and blow off any attempt to change you, with a laugh and a smile. 

And know that there are people who cherish you for the way you are. LIKE US!  Stay strong. <3


 

[Shadow007]

One other way I can think of to get them to stop asking you about these kinds of things is to change the subject. It may seem a bit strange and counter-intuitive, but it's a slightly more passive way of expressing your disinterest and discomfort in the topic. If you do that often enough I guarantee that they'll learn to stop pestering you about it and move on to something you prefer discussing. Whether you make the subject change abruptly obvious or more subtle is up you, but it is another option available to you.

 

Of course, you could also just tell them that the subject makes you really uncomfortable, and can they please talk about something else?...

[binary suns]

easier to tell the truth than to string together a series of increasingly complex lies 

[guiltykamote]

On 14/03/2018 at 11:21 PM, Man of the Stoa said:

Why not tell them something like this? That is, if they bring up the concern of your partner being bad at sex, you could just say that surely if your love is the primary concern, and that the foundation of your relationship is rooted in this mutual love, then bad sex won't matter?

 

Also, just from an objective point of view, if you only ever have the one point of reference, you probably won't know if they're good or bad. Assuming that the sex isn't so horrifically bad that it's painful, then how would you know if the pleasant experience if less pleasant than average? Just a thought.

Thank you for the reply! I agree with what you’re saying about how I should just tell them that sex shouldn’t be the most important aspect of any relationship. But unfortunately I have already, they disagree with me. We sat at a table at this niche Thai restaurant discussing about the issue (a very appropriate place to have this type of conversation 😂)  and I told them about how I felt, and yet they insist that I’m wrong. I don’t believe them though since they are definately entitled to their opinion, as I am with mine.

 

Also yes, sex isn’t bad! I’m just not that into it 😂

[guiltykamote]

On 15/03/2018 at 6:24 AM, anamikanon said:

Respect your own choices. You chose not to tell them. There doesn't need to be an explanation. You are an autonomous person who decides what you tell others or not. Why I am stressing this will be relevant further below.

 

You don't owe anyone conversation on any subject. "Not interested" should work fine. You don't have to provide reasons. If you provide reasons, expect there to be debate about them. An untrue reason will just clutter you up with unnecessary conversations on a subject you want to avoid. Simply refuse. They will accept it sooner or later.

 

I understand that aces often operate from mental concepts of what is romantic, sexy, etc rather than actual responses to real events. However, I would caution you that in the real world, this is basically a concept that denies women the power to choose a sexual life by committing them to a partner who may be good or terrible, without their knowledge. It is cultural brainwashing that sees "sweetness" in a naive girl entering a life altering gamble completely blind - in essence handing over considerable power over her happiness to her partner. It disempowers people and while it is a mental idea, it is harmless (women actually can get off on rape fantasies, though real rape is invariably traumatic - for example). Just adding this caution, because from what I have seen, aces can be really clueless on the sexual front, and can make some poor choices based on mental images. If you actually get into a relationship, please never wait to have sex after committing to it. A fifteen minute "I do" can take months and years of headaches to undo if it turns out to be a bad idea.

 

Your friends are right. They don't know that the waiting for marriage thing is just an excuse you are giving them to cover your disinterest in sex. They are giving you sound advice, except it is based on incorrect information you provided them.

 

Sex does not have to be important in a relationship IF both partners agree. One partner thinking sex is important and another not is a recipe for disaster and those who are able to feel sexual attraction see it as a very powerful source of intimacy in a relationship. To a sexual, "why does sex have to be important in a relationship" makes about as much sense as "why do people want to live in the same home just because they love" or "why do you have to repeat I love you? I am not deaf, I heard you the first time months ago" or "why is hugging important to expressing love?" - because it is like that to us, it is natural, instinctive behavior when in love/attracted. It does not have to make sense for it to be very important.

 

A sexual may knowingly agree to give up sex because you matter to them, but assuming that it wouldn't matter to them is going to be a huge problem. It comes across to us as a rejection or not valuing our love, etc.

 

If both partners don't want sex, it won't matter at all, but don't consider this something you can dismiss lightly without confirming that a potential partner does not want sex, because if you get into a relationship with a sexual assuming that they will dismiss sex as easily as you, you'll sign both of you up for some very difficult times and heartbreak.

 

"Not interested" is your best bet. You don't have to explain everything to everyone. Inventing reasons to give them will only result in valid arguments on their part that put you in a spot. You don't have to give reasons, and when you do, it usually works out better to state the truth. Some of this confidence also comes with age and you are still young. But it is fine to assert your space and tell people to back off from it.

Thanks for this! I’ve honestly felt incredibly uncomfortable when the topic of sex arrives, which is where the passive replies stem from. I just need to find the confidence to explain my discomfort. It is always easier said then done, however. 

[gisiebob]

just say "I..uh...have teeth. um...down there..."

 

they deserve to be uncomfortable too! =^,^=

[NewAce7]

It's actually non of there business.
How does me having sex or not add to their lives?

- So i say sorry, i don't want to tak about it.

[Liro]

I have lied so many times for my friends about my sexuality, telling them crazy stories about how I like BDSM and kinky sex, so they wouldn't ask me more, but that was really suffocating. When I realized that I was ACE and that there was nothing wrong with it, I started to be proud of my asexuality and stopped to be embarrassed of my "non-existing sex life". I know it sucks, specially at this age (18) when everybody is having its first sexual experiences and wants to shout out loud to the world. What I can say is that we support you and you shouldn't do anything you don't want to.