Strange situation

[Tarfeather]

Not sure whether to post this here, or in Tea & Sympathy or where ever, but I figure since this involves the peculiar strangeness of being in a relationship with a person with neither romantic nor sexual attraction to you, I'll post this here.

 

So, some of you may know that before my relationship with my current asexual partner, I was basically a virgin with no success with women and no experience with relationships. Despite not getting my sexual and romantic needs met in my relationship, that's never really bothered me, because I'm poly-oriented, and there's never really been an opportunity I've missed out on because of it anyway.

 

So now there's a strange thing going on, and basically I'm wondering how my relationship fits into all this. Basically, my mom and an acquaintance of hers started this thing where they thought it'd be a good idea for me and the daughter of that acquaintance to get to know each other. My response was basically like "So an attractive woman will write me, and I don't have to do anything for it? Sure, why not". I didn't think it'd happen. But then it'd actually happen.

 

We sent each other a few messages, and I felt a lot reminded of the early times when I was a teen, chatting with girls who were just as new to this stuff as I was. So I was open about myself, the fact that I'm a massive nerd with weird interests, and assumed that I'd stop hearing from her. But that didn't happen. In fact, even as I ended up half ignoring her (more out of fear of rejection than out of genuine disinterest), she kept initiating conversations. I never felt that we clicked particularly well, nor that she was interested much in me as a person, but she definitely seems to place value on this getting to know each other process. She even suggested that we meet in real life for some cooking together or some such.

 

Today I also learned a bit more about why this might be happening. Basically, she's grown up in an extremely sheltered way (wasn't even allowed to see completely harmless movies and that kind of stuff). She said that someone told her that she basically is still a child (she's in her mid-twenties), and that she thinks that might be true, and that she's in the process of growing up.

 

And that kind of made sense to me as an explanation of what's going on. Like, those young girls I was reminded of I chatted with when I was a teen? Probably right now she's in exactly the phase those girls were back then. Just trying to figure out this dating and getting to know guys stuff. Testing the waters.

 

I also sent her a picture of myself (I'm no beauty), and she didn't bail then, either. Instead she actually sent me a picture of hers. She's very attractive. "Why's she even talking to me" kind of attractive.

 

So, now I'm a bit unsure about this situation. My intuition is that this is a "It's not that serious" kind of situation. Like, almost a roleplay kind of thing? We're both just messing around, more curious about this unusual situation, than actually being interested in each other. So I haven't really mentioned the fact that I have a partner, because frankly, it doesn't feel relevant. It'd be "breaking character", basically.

 

On the other hand, that's just my impression. She's really very innocent and kind. I wouldn't want to deceive or hurt her. And then there's this genuine question of.. If it did end up mattering, would I even want to stay in this relationship? I mean, me and C. aren't romantic or sexual partners. We're essentially best friends, to the point of being life partners. She already told me, that if we broke up because I wanted to be with another woman, she would be okay with that, just as long as we stayed friends.

 

So, yeah, very complex situation. But I don't know if that complexity matters, and if any of it matters, how I should explain it. Is just letting things continue as they are right now morally okay? It seems to me like it is. Probably I should just let this go, and think about it if I get the impression that things are getting to a place where it's a little more serious? Yeah, that's probably what I should do. Jesus, I'm way overthinking this.

[Cobie]

53 minutes ago, Tarfeather said:

... I'm poly-oriented, ...

 

... I haven't really mentioned the fact that I have a partner, ...

 

... Is just letting things continue as they are right now morally okay?

IMHO it is not morally o.k. at all; I think you are deceiving her.

 

For it to be moral, you’d need to tell her that:

1 you are currently in a relationship (and how long you have known and how you feel about your aro ace)

2  you are poly-oriented.

[Guest]

Hm. I think one date if nothing like kissing happens would be ok. But beyond that you need to tell her. She might not be poly oriented. She might not be OK being the other woman, even with permission. 

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Tarfeather said:

So I haven't really mentioned the fact that I have a partner, because frankly, it doesn't feel relevant. It'd be "breaking character", basically.

You need to tell her you have a (long term) partner if either of you think this is anything other than 'just friends' or might be going that way. It's not okay to deceive her and if she's got or is getting feelings for you, she could be deeply hurt to learn you're in a relationship and didn't tell her this from the start. Even IF she happened to be poly oriented (which isn't that common) she may still feel you'd been deceiving her about having a long-term girlfriend and not be able to trust you anymore, even as a friend. I personally wouldn't want to be talking privately (in the way you two are I mean) with any man who had a girlfriend, so if she's anything like me she'd be utterly gutted to learn you kept that from her. I'm not saying she is like me, but it's not that uncommon for women to feel that way in a situation like this (and men too of course).

 

1 hour ago, Tarfeather said:

my mom and an acquaintance of hers started this thing where they thought it'd be a good idea for me and the daughter of that acquaintance to get to know each other.

Do they not know you're in a relationship?

[lazypanda]

You need to be honest with her before she emotionally invests deeply in you. 

I am a bit like her,very sheltered,not exposed to a lot of things that is normal for people my age. And you know what,actually approaching a guy for the first time and talking to him  is a very big step for girls like us to take. If it fails,its going shatter her. She's going to get into defensive mode,build walls around her heart and its going to be very hard for her to get out of there. Don't let that happen. And we are a bit sensitive as well. It breaks my heart when someone betrays my trust(even friends). 

Good luck.

[Tarfeather]

48 minutes ago, Serran said:

Hm. I think one date if nothing like kissing happens would be ok. But beyond that you need to tell her. She might not be poly oriented. She might not be OK being the other woman, even with permission. 

It's so strange having you call this a "date". I'm not sure that's what it is. But yeah, that's exactly what I did last time and that was fine. If I feel that we're just hanging out as friends I'll ask her to confirm. If I notice any interest from her side I'll obviously tell her.

 

10 minutes ago, FictoVore. said:

do they not know you're in a relationship?

Yes they do. That's a fair point now that I think about it. Because my mom relayed that on to her acquaintance. And apparently he said that was fine (by which I understood she was generally looking to get to know new people not specifically dating). But today I learned the same dude was apparently upset how I could be ignoring his "beautiful daughter".. So something is kinda fishy there.. wut

[Guest]

1 minute ago, Tarfeather said:

Yes they do. That's a fair point now that I think about it. Because my mom relayed that on to her acquaintance. And apparently he said that was fine (by which I understood she was generally looking to get to know new people not specifically dating). But today I learned the same dude was apparently upset how I could be ignoring his "beautiful daughter".. So something is kinda fishy there.. wut

Yeah that's the first thing that stuck out to me even before the other stuff about telling her you were in a relationship. That seemed quite odd to me  You'd think they at the very least would have told her ''this guy is in a relationship but he's very nice and quiet so maybe you could get to know him a bit better for friendship's sake?'' or something.. so you'd think in that case she would already know about your girlfriend? And if they didn't tell her about your relationship then I'm just like.. 'eh?'. I've never actually heard of parents 'setting their sheltered daughter up' with someone who is already in a relationship. I've heard of the whole 'setting up' part quite a lot (there are ace girls on AVEN who are often annoyed that their parents are trying to set them up with this or that guy who is a son of their friend) but the guy is ALWAYS single.. and if it was literally just meant to be friends, why would the dad be taking issue?? So I have no idea what's going on there :/

[binary suns]

@Tarfeather naturally, yell at me and ignore me if I'm oversimplifying it, but the situation doesn't seem that weird to me.. perhaps being in it for you is unexpected and feels a little not-standard. But to me it seems like this:

 

1. you have a partner who is also a best friend, who is connected with you on a level that will last long-term if you both remember to place the value you both already hold on the QPR. 

2. You have a friend who their friend identified you would be a trustworthy person to help her have experience of friendship and companionship to help her open up and recover from being socially behind (I'm envious of her wish I could've managed to have that)  

3. you're dancing around not-saying that there is a chance for romance or sexual activity with the newer, less-close friend, whether in person or just over the wire, because you don't want to expect it to happen and you don't want to try to force it. You don't want to cross her boundaries and you don't want to be let down. 

4. You feel unsure about all this. 

 

I dunno what kinda advice or answer you're looking for but hopefully framing it that way helps bring clarity - you have a QPR who isn't exclusive as long as that QPR stays real; you have a new friendship that's blooming. They both feel unusual and unexpected to you, but IMO you seem to actually have a sense of what to do already - and just lack trust in where it's going and if you should do something else. 

 

It seems like you want to go along with the new friendship, and be patient to allow it to unfold at the pace she sets, within reason for any way your pace in it needs time too. It seems like you care about your QPR, and might be worried that that QPR is threatened?* And it seems like the nature of how things are unfolding for your life are unexpected for you and you need to talk about it and have a little time adjusting your frame of expectation to match what's happening. 

 

 

 

*If that is the case, it is you who will find the answer for that - if you worry about that ask me anything and I might help guide you but that worry is pretty broad without specification so I don't wanna confuse this response answering it in this post. 

[binary suns]

also - I agree with ficto's post too - one thing I wonder - but I don't want to suggest it 'cause I do not personally know anyone involved other than you @tarfeather, is there a chance that somehow one or both of the people that helped initiate this new friendship, somehow believe that you deserve a better partner, or that your QPR isn't really a partner, but just a good friend? IF you trust them not to make that mistake about your relationship, then it's definitely safe to assume this new friendship is intended to be a friendship. and even if you don't trust them about that, it seems to me more like this is a friend. And it seems to me like you suspect this as well? 

[Cobie]

20 hours ago, float on said:

... is there a chance that ... one or both of the people that helped initiate this new friendship, ... believe ... that your QPR isn't really a partner, but just a good friend?

@Tarfeather that's a very good point @float on makes here.

 

Outside of AVEN, most people are not aroAce/poly, and interpret behaviour differently to you. So yes, unless you made it explicit, they would think it's just a good friend you have. You are aware of the way the majority thinks, but you cannot expect them to be aware of all of the plethora of new orientations. Therefore I put the onus to elucidate on you, and see a failure to do so as deliberate deception by you.

[Telecaster68]

7 hours ago, float on said:

is there a chance that somehow one or both of the people that helped initiate this new friendship, somehow believe that you deserve a better partner, or that your QPR isn't really a partner, but just a good friend? 

This was my first thought, too. And given the hoops you've jumped through for C, @Tarfeather, I can kind of see their point. It's natural for parents to want to help their kids, however misguided their kids may feel specific help might be.

[anamikanon]

1. Parents setting up a poly relationship is .... too good to be true. You probably need to check that they aren't presenting you with an alternative or think that your relationship is not serious.
2. The girl needs to know. There is no getting around that. You don't have to make a big confession of it, simply casually mentioning C will do the trick. If she wasn't informed, she'll pick up on it and ask. Whether she is to be your friend or a more serious interest, hiding existing partners is poor form. 
3. If she is sheltered and really likes you and doesn't know you have an existing partner, discovering it after she gets too attached to you could disillusion her badly. Prince turns into married frog, etc. Even if she were to be cool with a poly relationship, discovering it too late would make her see you as dishonest. This is best avoided.
4. If she can't handle poly, discovering about your partner allows her to gracefully disengage without trauma to her and drama overall.
5. I would not recommend breaking up with C over the new girl, merely as a way to avoid a difficult disclosure. It is likely to mar your relationship with C in ways difficult to recover from, and as the poly community repeatedly cautions, taking major decisions (breaking up with existing partner when new comes on scene counts as one) while in NRE (New Relationship Energy) is a bad, bad idea. You are basically acting under the influence of powerful brain chemicals at this point. Enjoy the high, but don't drive while high.

[Guest]

23 hours ago, float on said:

somehow believe that you deserve a better partner, or that your QPR isn't really a partner, but just a good friend?

As far as I know Tarfeather's partner isn't exactly a QPR, because they have sex? Not all the time, nor as much as he would like, but Tarfeather mentioned in other posts that sometimes his girlfriend has sex with him and even get's some kind of emotional satisfaction etc from it, so that's definitely boyfriend/girlfriend as opposed to 'friends that live together' I would think?  

[Tarfeather]

Thanks guys.

 

So I subtly asked today what she already knows about me. She said, where I live and what I do, and other than that only what I told her.

Me: [fuck that douche didn't tell her about my relationship] "May I ask why you want to get to know me?"

She goes on to explain that she'd like to have a relationship once, that she hadn't been interested in it until now, but that she was very interested in it now, but that it was hard for her to find a "nice man" and that's why she asked her father.

Me: [shit shit shit] *goes on to explain everything about my relationship* thinking to myself I'm never going to hear from her again

 

Her response: "Can you tell me about your girlfriend? She can come along when you visit me. We can just be friends, too. Relationships are so complicated."

 

Spoiler

 

So yeah. She's totally still interested in getting to know me. And C., too, for that matter. Apparently she's never been in love with anyone, and she's never been able to "open up to a guy", so I guess I'll be talking to her about the concepts of aromance and asexuality pretty soon.. Oh man. But I'm glad it went down this way. Looks like I might have found a woman I can actually be friends with. That'd be a nice change for once.

[anamikanon]

Happy for you, @Tarfeather