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When to come out to a potential partner


Claire1983

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What are your thoughts on when to tell a potential partner that you are asexual, I feel like it's best to bring it up sooner rather than later, especially if the other partner isn't ace.  Obviously every relationship is different, but I'm curious how other people approach this.

 

Edit: Sorry I think I was a little vague.  How soon during the process of meeting them and starting to date them do you bring it up, assuming it doesn't come up organically during conversation.

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NerotheReaper

It is better to tell them sooner than later, you don't have to be like "Hi, my name is....and I am asexual!" It is good to let the other person know, it is good to put boundaries regardless of your sexuality. Everyone should be comfortable, and have the same end goal. 

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I also think, it's better for them to know about it. If they care as well, you should end up together regardless.

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50 minutes ago, Yatagarasu said:

I also think, it's better for them to know about it. If they care as well, you should end up together regardless.

Mhm I don't entirely agree on the bolded part. I don't think it's only about caring, it's about knowing your and your partner's needs and boundaries. If the sexual partner finds sex as an important part of a relationship, but the asexual one is, let's say, sex-repulsed and there is no way to compromise (open the relationship, go celibate or anything else), it will hardly be an healthy relationship, because one person will have specific needs that the other partner won't fill.

Personally, if someone I love told me they're asexual (and I hope them they do it pretty soon), I would need to talk to them a lot to understand their boundaries, and then I would evaluate carefully if I'm ok to start a serious relationship with someone who has different needs and boundaries. I don't think I could ever stay with someone touch-averse/repulsed or sex-averse/repulsed: I would never force them to do something uncomfortable, yet my "need for sex with them" wouldn't be met. If I can't see the relationship go much far because of different needs, I would rather remain friends and show my affection/how much I care about them in different ways.

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17 minutes ago, LeDeer said:

Mhm I don't entirely agree on the bolded part. I don't think it's only about caring, it's about knowing your and your partner's needs and boundaries. If the sexual partner finds sex as an important part of a relationship, but the asexual one is, let's say, sex-repulsed and there is no way to compromise (open the relationship, go celibate or anything else), it will hardly be an healthy relationship, because one person will have specific needs that the other partner won't fill.

Personally, if someone I love told me they're asexual (and I hope them they do it pretty soon), I would need to talk to them a lot to understand their boundaries, and then I would evaluate carefully if I'm ok to start a serious relationship with someone who has different needs and boundaries. I don't think I could ever stay with someone touch-averse/repulsed or sex-averse/repulsed: I would never force them to do something uncomfortable, yet my "need for sex with them" wouldn't be met. If I can't see the relationship go much far because of different needs, I would rather remain friends and show my affection/how much I care about them in different ways.

It really depends on a person. If you care, you understand. And mutual understanding is crucial to establish a healthy relationship.

I'm not good at emotions and I'm still learning, but that's what I observed.

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6 minutes ago, Yatagarasu said:

It really depends on a person. If you care, you understand. And mutual understanding is crucial to establish a healthy relationship.

I'm not good at emotions and I'm still learning, but that's what I observed.

Sometimes it doesn't matter how much you care about someone, there are sacrifices that some people just can't make. Sex is very, very important for some sexual people, so it's important you tell them about your asexuality as SOON as there's a possibility things could be moving to 'more than friends' . Or if you're dating, it's important to put it in your dating profile, or mention it on the first date if you're doing 'in person' dating. The reason this is so important is because 1) it means if you're incompatible you'll both be able to move on before too many feelings are involved and 2) you might actually find someone who is fine without sex in which case, you've found yourself a keeper!! But often (for sexual people) with romantic love comes a deep desire to connect sexually with the person they love, and no matter how much they care about that person, if they are denied that connection the pain can literally be too much. Sometimes I've heard sexual people describe it like: ''you're starving and a delicious feast is laid out before, but you're only allowed to smell it but can't ever eat any of the food so the hunger lasts forever and just gets worse and worse''.

 

But yeah, that full and open communication about ones asexuality is sooooo important, the sooner the better!!

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I would tell them by time you know you want to date them more than just the getting to know you phase where people decide if a second-third date is gonna happen. If it's a friend you start to date then before any dates, in my opinion, since the emotions are likely to already be strong. 

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Eeep! I didn't mean to start an argument!  Just to clarify I absolutely think it's something that needs to be addressed and discussed early.  Before questioning if I could be ace I've broken up with boyfriends over sex, so I know that it can be a deal breaker. (and rightly so)  My question was more about timing.

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@FictoVore. it still seems foreign to me, but I appreciate your clarification.

 

@Claire1983 I'm sorry (:3 _ )=

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@Yatagarasu  I perhaps should have been a little more specific in my original post

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39 minutes ago, Claire1983 said:

Eeep! I didn't mean to start an argument!  Just to clarify I absolutely think it's something that needs to be addressed and discussed early.  Before questioning if I could be ace I've broken up with boyfriends over sex, so I know that it can be a deal breaker. (and rightly so)  My question was more about timing.

I'd pretty much want to tell them asap, but I'm not really looking to date anyone.
Definitely think it should be discussed before things get serious

 

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I didn't know I was demisexual when I met my current boyfriend. I knew something was different, but I just thought major trust issues were the cause and that I wanted to take things real slow because of that. I told him that and he respected it. We haven't faced any issues because of this in our, now 3 year long, relationship. Perhaps things would've looked different when I knew about my orientation...

 

So yeah, it's difficult to think about what's the best thing to do. I still think being honest is the best thing to do though, especially in the beginning. Then everyone knows what to expect. 

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IrishArcher

I definitely think the subject should be broached as soon as possible, or as soon as there's an opportunity to do so. That way you'll learn early on whether or not someone is going to respect your boundaries. A guy asked me out a little over a year ago, and I prefaced the date by saying I was asexual and didn't like him like that (over text), but he told me he wanted to date me anyway. When we met up in person, he proceeded to tell me asexuality didn't exist, and said I was just "uninterested." At first, I thought, whatever, as long as he knows I'm not interested, I can deal with this at least for one date. By the end of the date he had kissed me several times and gotten extremely handsy, which was beyond uncomfortable for me. So yes, I think it's important to establish boundaries as early as possible, because some people are going to want things from you as early as the first date.

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@IrishArcher Yikes, yeah, every situation is different.  Someone on another post said that they have a three date rule which I like.  I feel like anyone who is going to try to get me in the sack on date one isn't going to get a second date anyway, so I'd rather wait until I know if there's any possibility of it turning into something before I tell them.  For me, the third date seems like the sweet spot where I know them but no one is overly invested.

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I now personally tell any man who's asked me straight away,  it would be pointless to let them think otherwise. Even if they don't expect me to sleep with them on a first date they are naturally going to assume it will happen at some point and tbh I think I would be being a bit naive if I didn't expect that, it is for most people a natural progression. It would be a waste of my time and theirs not to be upfront.

It means I basically don't go on dates lol but why let people believe me to be something I'm not, that's not fair to anyone.

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I've been thinking about this topic quite a bit lately. I am just now, at the age of 47, coming to terms with my asexuality (homoromantic asexual), having previously identified as gay. I had given up on dating about 15 years ago because I just couldn't figure out the whole sexual attraction thing. Basically, I was lost.  At the time, I didn't understand that sexual orientation was much more complex than just straight, gay, or bi. I had no idea that asexuality existed. Loneliness finally drove me out of my hermit cave and I've started exploring the the various apps that are out there for dating, etc. This effort coincided with my discovery of AVEN and the concept of asexuality, in general. My dating app profile has gone through several iterations, since I created it. The first iteration didn't mention anything about being asexual and lead to me being overwhelmed by responses from VERY sexual guys, some of them aggressively sexual. I went on one date that ended in a very uncomfortable sexual situation that freaked me out and prompted me to delete the profile and do a mini retreat. After 15 years of hiding from the gay male dating scene, this was way too much for me to handle.

 

The second iteration or my profile was WAY ACE. I really went into great deal of detail (too much!) about my newfound understanding of my orientation. The response was quite dramatic. It put a stop to most of the aggressively sexual responses, but it also opened me up to a few somewhat negative responses, in a form that I'm sure many other asexual people have encountered ("have sex with me and I'll fix you!", etc.). It did also put me into a position of educating some folks on the subject of asexuality. I had quite a few responses from people, wanting to know more and wanting to understand my experience. Those interactions were quite positive, but also a little uncomfortable because I am so new to the subject of asexuality. I could only answer their questions from the perspective of my own experiences and send them links to other ACE resources (AVEN included!) for more information. I really didn't feel comfortable stepping into the role of asexuality educator/representative on that dating app. I feel like I'm too much of an asexual newbie for that :D

 

The current iteration of my profile is pretty barebones. It doesn't mention my asexuality but does specify that I am looking for friends only.  I've been chatting with several really nice guys, that I came out to fairly soon after we started chatting. They are clearly very sexual, so romance seems unlikely, but it's always nice to make new friends. I'm considering another profile revision, mentioning my orientation as "homoromantic asexual" again, but not going into as much detail as I did before. 

 

At any rate, I do agree that it is best to come out as early as possible.

 

 

 

 

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I think it would be different for someone that I knew before hand verses someone that I had just met prior to going on a date.  I think my issue is when to BRING it up.  If the subject comes up sooner, I would go ahead and tell them my thoughts.  If someone tried to make a move on the first date, I would go ahead and tell them then, but if it doesn't come up before the third date, I would bring it up before things go beyond the point of no return.

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36 minutes ago, Claire1983 said:

I think it would be different for someone that I knew before hand verses someone that I had just met prior to going on a date.  I think my issue is when to BRING it up.  If the subject comes up sooner, I would go ahead and tell them my thoughts.  If someone tried to make a move on the first date, I would go ahead and tell them then, but if it doesn't come up before the third date, I would bring it up before things go beyond the point of no return.

Yes, this is deffinitely a tricky topic to navigate. I’ve been out of the dating scene for so long, it’s difficult enough rejoining without having to also having to grapple with the question of when to come out as asexual.  Also, in my particular situation, trying to meet people through a gay dating app that is definitely geared toward sexual gay guys, is probably a fool’s errand. Doh!

 

I should probably focus my energy on making fantastic new ACE friends and postpone dating until I’m a little bit more comfortable with my revised orientation. 

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@Jaycezon  Yeah, I can see how that would make things difficult!  I thought I was straight and just sucked at dating and sex.  I have a better idea of what I want now but I'm not sure how to go around looking for it.

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