ayeitskate Posted March 13, 2018 Share Posted March 13, 2018 Okay, well first off, hiiiiiiii! I'm Kate. I'm 25 years old. So, I'm going to ramble a bit because all my thoughts are colliding at warp speed and my words can't keep up with them. Apologies in advance for the incoherent nature of my bumbling thoughts. Unsurprisingly for a post on the Welcome Lounge, I'm new to this. Asexual is a word that's been bouncing around the back of my skull for almost a year now, but I only recently did some serious research after a failed halfway relationship. I'm sure some of you have been there: great person, we got along great, and on paper everything should have meshed well. Then the dreaded moment. It all came crashing down when he kissed me and I almost physically pushed him away. It felt like putting my lips against a fish. This isn't the first time, either, so I know it's not just this one guy. I really thought I liked him, but I think now I had just convinced myself that I did. I talked myself into feeling emotions that weren't there, because I didn't understand why they weren't. Considering this is about the eighth time this has happened to me, I concluded that I'm just terrible at dating, and let it go for a couple months. But I couldn't stop knocking around the idea that there was something wrong. That I just didn't function that way. I'm not gay, either, which I had thought years ago might be a possibility. I always felt confused when friends talk about how attractive someone is, or how jeans hug someone's butt. I just... don't notice those things. I thought maybe I just didn't care? I'm a bit of a dreamer and tend to be selfish, so I just assumed I don't notice those things about other people because I'm always so focused on myself and my thoughts. Anyways, suffice it to say, after reading countless posts and testimonies, I've tentatively agreed that I'm some form of asexual. What type, specifically, remains to be seen. I don't think I'll ever fully "label" myself because I just don't see the point. Asexuality seems to be defined by a lot of gray areas, and every person seems to be unique. So instead of fitting myself into a box painted by others, I'm just going to be who I am, and be okay with that for once. The thing that is freaking me out the most right now, isn't that I'll be alone for the rest of my life. I'm somewhat of an introvert, and I enjoy my own thoughts and company. I would be fine to read books all day long for the rest of my life. No, what's panicking me at night, is the fact that I'm not financially stable enough to support being alone forever. In light of all this self discovery, that just seems like a petty thing to be worried about. However, it seems to be what's weighing on my heart the most right now. It's just... everyone else has someone. I don't have a person. Someone who will drop everything just to listen to me ramble, or pick me up when my car breaks down. I don't have that support in life. I still want a partner. i want someone to have my back. I want someone to put my needs above everyone else's, and vice versa. I just don't want all the rest that comes with being in a relationship. I currently live with my best friend and her boyfriend (who is also a close friend), but they are expecting a baby in about 6 months and I don't know how that will affect my living situation. They're not financially stable enough to live on their own at the present time, but who's to say that won't change in a year or two and then I'll be out of luck. I've moved about 8 times in 5 years, and I just don't know how long I can keep doing this. I always thought that eventually I'd meet someone, settle down and we'd live together, maybe adopt some kids together (I've never wanted my own kids - not when there are so many children in foster care who need loving homes). Now? I just don't know. I feel like I've finally accepted myself and that's a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. However, the answer to all these questions about myself adds so many other burdens, that it's almost worse. I don't know where to go from here. I feel simultaneously lost and found. I finally understand so much about myself, but I don't know how to live the rest of my life like this. I just feel... conflicted. So, yeah. If you read this far into my confused and potentially very damaged psyche, thanks. Drop me a line if you can relate to any of my psycho babble or have any thoughts on my disjointed, garble mumbo jumbo. Thanks, ya'll. Link to post Share on other sites
Dj91 Posted March 13, 2018 Share Posted March 13, 2018 Welcome! There are a lot of asexuals that will be in the same boat in terms of what they want. Different people are comfortable/want different amounts of physical affection. Don't give up with finding someone who is right for you 🙂 Link to post Share on other sites
Lichley Posted March 13, 2018 Share Posted March 13, 2018 Welcome! You don’t have to be alone forever just because you’re asexual. You could find someone else who is asexual, or someone willing to compromise with you, that you could get int9 a relationship with. Asexuality doesn’t mean you’ll be alone, it means you don’t experience sexual attraction. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobie Posted March 13, 2018 Share Posted March 13, 2018 13 hours ago, ayeitskate said: ... what's panicking me at night, is the fact that I'm not financially stable enough to support being alone forever. ... seems like a petty thing to be worried about. ... @ayeitskate Not petty at all, finances are important. I found in my life that just doing one day at a time and slowly gaining experience, it got easier as I got older. Best wishes to you. 🍀 Link to post Share on other sites
Claire1983 Posted March 13, 2018 Share Posted March 13, 2018 I can definitely relate. I'm 34 and thought I was straight until a month ago, so I'd always assumed at some point that I'd find someone. Now that I realize I'm probably asexual, I'm reevaluating my romantic feelings and I still definitely want a partner. Someone who makes me a priority. And I'd be lying if I didn't say that the practical stuff of who will pick me up from the auto mechanic, who will drive me to the hospital when my clumsy ass falls down the stairs, who will go out and buy me ginger ale when I'm hallucinating with a fever from the flu. I still want to find a relationship, and I'm actually more confident about it now since I know why my previous relationships didn't work out. Link to post Share on other sites
Pallid Posted March 13, 2018 Share Posted March 13, 2018 9 hours ago, ayeitskate said: The thing that is freaking me out the most right now, isn't that I'll be alone for the rest of my life. I'm somewhat of an introvert, and I enjoy my own thoughts and company. I would be fine to read books all day long for the rest of my life. No, what's panicking me at night, is the fact that I'm not financially stable enough to support being alone forever. In light of all this self discovery, that just seems like a petty thing to be worried about. However, it seems to be what's weighing on my heart the most right now. It's just... everyone else has someone. I don't have a person. Someone who will drop everything just to listen to me ramble, or pick me up when my car breaks down. I don't have that support in life. I still want a partner. i want someone to have my back. I want someone to put my needs above everyone else's, and vice versa. I just don't want all the rest that comes with being in a relationship. Aaaahhh, get out of my head! That's exactly the thing that has been bothering me. I just want someone there who will have my back, could watch my cats when I go on long trips, and share the financial burden of life. Rent is expensive. Food is expensive. Cars are expensive. It's a lot to handle on your own. So you are not alone! Welcome to the forums! Have some cake . Link to post Share on other sites
StreetlightDawn Posted March 13, 2018 Share Posted March 13, 2018 Hi and welcome! I completely relate to your post, especially the want for someone to just share life with. I see you're also in Northern California where the rent is IMPOSSIBLE so no your anxieties are absolutely not petty and HI, I share them with you. I've recently realized I am asexual and it is so freeing to really know who you are, but yes it opens up a lot of fears and uncertainties about where to go from here. The world suddenly feels too open, if that makes any sense. Feel free to drop me a PM if you ever want to chat more (or just vent about the cost of living in California)! Link to post Share on other sites
ayeitskate Posted March 13, 2018 Author Share Posted March 13, 2018 6 hours ago, Claire1983 said: ... I still want to find a relationship, and I'm actually more confident about it now since I know why my previous relationships didn't work out... Okay, I guess i hadn't really thought of it like that! Knowing what DOESN'T work is really important! Thanks for that! Link to post Share on other sites
Claire1983 Posted March 13, 2018 Share Posted March 13, 2018 4 minutes ago, ayeitskate said: Okay, I guess i hadn't really thought of it like that! Knowing what DOESN'T work is really important! Thanks for that! I'm sure it won't be quite as simple as I think, but it does take some of the pressure off of me being able to say upfront "We can date, but you're not going to get laid." If they say no right away, at least it didn't take me months to find out things weren't going to work. I kind of feel like my love life is a video game and I'm just now going back and playing the tutorial because I kept running into walls and never got past level one. Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Carolynne Posted March 14, 2018 Share Posted March 14, 2018 I haven't even booted the game @ayeitskate I can definitely relate to your financial situation, even here in Utah (I've heard cost of living in CA is hell), I've been trying to get into a position to move out of my parents house. The kick in the teeth part is, over a year and a half ago, it was on the table. Work was going well, and I made decent money. But the company I worked for made some bad decisions, business started declining, and I then braced for unemployment. I was right, about six months later they filed for bankruptcy and ceased operations in the US. The worst part is, they fronted like our employment was stable, that we would still have a job. Before shutting down, they announced a rebranding, and said we would be a part of it. Nope, that was just for the Canadian facilities. They just wanted to discourage the few workers left at that point from leaving for another job while they still needed us. Now I work fast food, and although the owner of the facility is generous and pays well for what it is, I couldn't live on my own with this job. I'd have to have a roommate splitting the bills as things are now. I eventually will have to find a better paying job, and with any luck one that pays as well as my previous job did. I can definitely relate to not being able to fully support yourself right now, some things are inaccessibly expensive if you don't split the costs. 17 hours ago, ayeitskate said: snip Now? I just don't know. I feel like I've finally accepted myself and that's a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. However, the answer to all these questions about myself adds so many other burdens, that it's almost worse. I don't know where to go from here. I feel simultaneously lost and found. I finally understand so much about myself, but I don't know how to live the rest of my life like this. I just feel... conflicted. snip Yeah, I feel you on this But at least you better understand yourself and what you want in life / relationships, hopefully you're comfortable with yourself despite how bleak your prospects may be (or at least seem), that for me is the greatest gift bestowed on this path of self discovery. I'm actually considering dating now that I understand myself better, although it certainly won't be easy being asexual and demi / gray romantic. I'm not really sure, honestly, I just have really enjoyed the few times I've experienced romantic attraction, and love the idea of a romantic relationship, at least in theory. But then again, I am happy being single, and don't know where to start anyway as the conventional dating scene seems a blind roulette, and definitely not for me. Obviously, it's better suited to allosexuals/romantics, and I assume it makes more sense from those perspectives. I feel the way I socialize doesn't help. I prefer to keep to a close knit circle of friends. I also suffer from social anxiety, especially around new people. I'm not even sure if I'm actually demiromantic, or if it's just that my discomfort around people I don't know well prevents me from developing a romantic attraction. I'm actually still kind of romantically confused, so to speak. Anyway... I really digressed there, and rambled a bit, sorry about that, your post got me thinking Here, take another slice Link to post Share on other sites
ayeitskate Posted March 14, 2018 Author Share Posted March 14, 2018 @G1P0 I totally feel you on that part. I don’t make friends easily and clearly conventional dating is not for me, so it’s this awkward balance of trying to put myself out there to meet people and have new experiences, but also I’m an awkward being who just struggles to say how I feel to other people. It’s a never-ending paradox and I WANT to get out of it, I just don’t know how. Also, yeah, the money thing. I’m a shift supervisor at a Starbucks and also a server and I STILL don’t make enough money to live on my own. I work like 60 to 70 hour weeks and I’m still struggling. My rent is like $800 for a literal bedroom. It sucks, because I don’t have a backup when this situation changes, which it definitely will eventually. Link to post Share on other sites
Missyisms Posted March 14, 2018 Share Posted March 14, 2018 Hey! Been there. It sucks. I did the whole "I'm straight, I'm gay, what am I?". Until I decided to start every new relationship with "I want a monogamous relationship for the rest of forever, just without sex." (Not in so many words, obviously.) Eventually when I said that to someone he shrugged and said "Cool with me." Six years later we have a stereotypical relationship, minus the sex. Don't give up hope! Link to post Share on other sites
ayeitskate Posted March 14, 2018 Author Share Posted March 14, 2018 @Missyisms that’s so awesome actually! It’s good to hear about the successful relationships because most of what I’ve read so far is.... disheartening to say the least. Link to post Share on other sites
Lia Posted March 14, 2018 Share Posted March 14, 2018 Hello there, and welcome to AVEN! As part of my welcome to you, I'd like to point out some important threads that might be helpful in your first few days here. The Terms of Service is here. We recommend you read it over, and if you have any questions please don't hesitate to send either myself or any other administrator or moderator (the "admod" team, as we're called) a message. Also, there's a handy forum called Site Info, which has some useful information including a thread outlining who moderates which forum. If you ever need something done in or have questions about a specific forum, please message the mod of that forum. And if you have problems with the site in general, or any single member, please message any admod. The following are also nifty links to take a look at: Welcome Lounge Mini Manual | Welcoming 101 | Quick Guide to the Forums | Asexuality FAQ's Again, welcome to AVEN and I hope your stay is everything you hoped! Link to post Share on other sites
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