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Really want to come out to my mom


SkelBea18

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My mom always told me that I could tell her anything and she would trust and love me no matter what. But I'm terrified to come out to her. My whole family is pretty... well.. everything-phobic and i dont know how they will react. I have a compulsion to tell her but I'm really not sure how. I don't want to make her uncomfortable with all the details of sexual attraction and stuff so I'm really not sure how to go about this. If anyone has any tips, I would really appreciate it. Thanks for reading :cake:

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I don't have any advice, but I understand not wanting to go into all the details.  My parents will be fine but sex is an awkward topics that we never really discuss.  There are some good metaphors that can explain the general concept.  That might be one way to approach it.  I saw a good one about doughnuts.

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17 minutes ago, Claire1983 said:

I don't have any advice, but I understand not wanting to go into all the details.  My parents will be fine but sex is an awkward topics that we never really discuss.  There are some good metaphors that can explain the general concept.  That might be one way to approach it.  I saw a good one about doughnuts.

Yeah I've seen some great metaphors that I plan on using if she doesn't understand very well. I just hope she doesn't ask the typical "Well how do you know if you've never had sex?", or "Is this because of trauma?" stuff.  Hopefully I can give as little detail as possible and she'll understand.

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Think very carefully before you talk with her.   A number of AVEN members have reported that they thought it would go well, but were very disappointed with their parent(s)' reactions.  

 

Ask yourself this:  How would you feel if her reaction was not comforting to you?  Do you think you could deal with that?   Do you think that she really needs to know what your orientation is?  

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22 minutes ago, Sally said:

Think very carefully before you talk with her.   A number of AVEN members have reported that they thought it would go well, but were very disappointed with their parent(s)' reactions.  

 

Ask yourself this:  How would you feel if her reaction was not comforting to you?  Do you think you could deal with that?   Do you think that she really needs to know what your orientation is?  

That's what I'm worried about. I like to think that I'd be able to handle it if she didn't take it the right way but I honestly have no idea. We're extremely close and I don't want to bring up anything that would change that but because of our closeness, I also have this intense urge to tell her. I almost feel like I'm hiding from her now that I'm finally not questioning anymore. Thanks for the advice and sorry if I ramble too much, I haven't talked to anyone about this so it's all spewing out lol.

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You're not rambling too much -- or at all.

 

I'm a mom, and I hope I'd behave supportively whatever my son told me about his orientation.  However, he hasn't done so, and I've not wondered, because from his relationships, he's obviously plain old vanilla heterosexual.  But...I'm not sure I'd really want to know.  Just as kids often don't want to think of their parents as any particular orientation, parents often don't either.  That may be one area where closeness can stumble.

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1 hour ago, Sally said:

You're not rambling too much -- or at all.

 

I'm a mom, and I hope I'd behave supportively whatever my son told me about his orientation.  However, he hasn't done so, and I've not wondered, because from his relationships, he's obviously plain old vanilla heterosexual.  But...I'm not sure I'd really want to know.  Just as kids often don't want to think of their parents as any particular orientation, parents often don't either.  That may be one area where closeness can stumble.

Huh yeah I hadn't thought of it that way. That makes sense though.

 

Another reason I want to tell her is she has a suspicion that I'm being sexual (no idea where that came from, maybe certain parents are just always suspicious of their kids lol) and I want to reassure her I'm not so she can fully trust me again. But maybe it isn't worth it if she's going to see me differently either way. Now that I really think about it, maybe I should just decide which is less devastating to her. 

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You could just tell her you're not interested in having sex right now.  That would reassure her if she's worrying.  

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2 hours ago, Sally said:

You could just tell her you're not interested in having sex right now.  That would reassure her if she's worrying.  

I'm with Sally.

If you told your mum you're not interested right now maybe she'd be less worried and you would've told at least part of the truth to make you feel better. Plus you could kind of test her reaction.

 

If, and only if, you feel it's safe you could (on another occasion) invent a distant acquaintance (neighbour of a friend's or sth like that) who allegedly came out as gay and got a bad reaction despite having had a close relationship with their parents before (or sth like that). Your real friend should of course know about it in case they meet your mum and she asks them about it. Better still: Have your friend talk about it in the presence of your mum, if possible.

 

May I ask your age?

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8 hours ago, Julian of Norwich said:

I'm with Sally.

If you told your mum you're not interested right now maybe she'd be less worried and you would've told at least part of the truth to make you feel better. Plus you could kind of test her reaction.

 

If, and only if, you feel it's safe you could (on another occasion) invent a distant acquaintance (neighbour of a friend's or sth like that) who allegedly came out as gay and got a bad reaction despite having had a close relationship with their parents before (or sth like that). Your real friend should of course know about it in case they meet your mum and she asks them about it. Better still: Have your friend talk about it in the presence of your mum, if possible.

 

May I ask your age?

Yeah, I was considering telling her that. But that's just a really uncomfortable conversation considering we've never even talked about sex.

 

 One of my friends actually came out and got a bad reaction and we talked about it. She gave a surprisingly supportive view on it but the next day went back to being her usual slightly homophobic self. Knowing her, she'll probably react one of two ways; either not understanding and telling me I haven't met the right person, I'm too young, etc. or understanding the concept but not fully grasping that it describes me. And knowing this, I still want to tell her but have no idea why. But I'll probably hold off until a situation arises where it makes sense to tell her. I'm 16, 17 in a couple months.

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10 hours ago, Sally said:

You could just tell her you're not interested in having sex right now.  That would reassure her if she's worrying.  

It would be uncomfortable but I'm considering it.

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2 hours ago, SkelBea18 said:

It would be uncomfortable but I'm considering it.

This is a bit hypocritical coming from me (I suck at talking about my feelings) but it's a difficult conversation worth having, isn't it.

I've never been very close to my mum but if I were I wouldn't risk that relationship not addressing something standing between the two of you.

This video is to encourage you to have that hard conversation:

Spoiler

 

 

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2 hours ago, Julian of Norwich said:

This is a bit hypocritical coming from me (I suck at talking about my feelings) but it's a difficult conversation worth having, isn't it.

I've never been very close to my mum but if I were I wouldn't risk that relationship not addressing something standing between the two of you.

This video is to encourage you to have that hard conversation:

  Reveal hidden contents

 

 

Yeah I really don't want to risk that. Thank you so much for all of your help!! I really appreciate it ^_^

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If you haven't had a conversation about sex, there is no need to have one on disinterest in sex, IMO. 

 

That said, I also understand wanting to tell her, like you'd have told her if you had a boyfriend, for example. It is a discovery on the sexual front, even if the discovery is an explanation for the lack of interest. So you could just tell her. "I have realized something about myself, which explains a lot of things I was puzzled about..... I am asexual. Which is why I don't .... etc. I feel quite relieved ...." etc.

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I just got an ace ring and I'm too scared to wear it with my family. I only wear it when I'm out by myself or at school. I don't know why I'm scared of it, but I don't really see the point in a coming out when it's just a disinterest.

 

Coming out as gay I could see, because you are saying that you want to have sex with the same sex. But saying that you want to have sex with no one? To me I don't see the point.

 

If you think they will react badly, don't do it and wait a while. I found that after you realize your sexuality for a while the nagging feeling that you need to come out will dwindle away. If even after you've waited a while you still feel the feelings very hard, and you thought about the pros and cons of coming out, do it if you want. I can't guarantee the reaction will be good, but at least you finally got it off your chest.

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2 hours ago, squaggly said:

I just got an ace ring and I'm too scared to wear it with my family. I only wear it when I'm out by myself or at school. I don't know why I'm scared of it, but I don't really see the point in a coming out when it's just a disinterest.

 

Coming out as gay I could see, because you are saying that you want to have sex with the same sex. But saying that you want to have sex with no one? To me I don't see the point.

 

If you think they will react badly, don't do it and wait a while. I found that after you realize your sexuality for a while the nagging feeling that you need to come out will dwindle away. If even after you've waited a while you still feel the feelings very hard, and you thought about the pros and cons of coming out, do it if you want. I can't guarantee the reaction will be good, but at least you finally got it off your chest.

I totally relate to the ring thing. Even though my family has no idea what the symbolism is, I'm afraid of "outing myself", so to speak.

 

I do think I'll tell her one day but, now that I've had some time to think, right now probably isn't the best time. I do like being open with her and discussing important things with her, but it might be too much for her right now. I don't think she'll react too badly, like kicking me out or anything, but I think she would question the validity and that's not something I can deal with right now. 

Hoping that nagging feeling goes away like you said. Thank you for the input!

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I hope it goes well for you! Tell us how she takes it if you decide to go through with it.

 

Honestly, nothing would make me happier as a parent than having a kid coming out as asexual.

 

Seriously, can a parent take this badly? Homophobia is horrible, but I can get how culturally-backwards people can work it out.

 

Is the same true for asexuality? I think it's a much different kind of coming out. Instead of saying "I'm doing this instead of what's socially accepted", you're saying "I'm doing nothing at all. Just living my life without a sexual component."

 

Are there really cases here of people who've had bad experiences confessing their asexuality to their family? :(

 

That's really sad, but I'd like to hear more about it, because I've always been very open about it and maybe I should be more careful before talking about it?

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1 hour ago, Masterman said:

I hope it goes well for you! Tell us how she takes it if you decide to go through with it.

 

Honestly, nothing would make me happier as a parent than having a kid coming out as asexual.

 

Seriously, can a parent take this badly? Homophobia is horrible, but I can get how culturally-backwards people can work it out.

 

Is the same true for asexuality? I think it's a much different kind of coming out. Instead of saying "I'm doing this instead of what's socially accepted", you're saying "I'm doing nothing at all. Just living my life without a sexual component."

 

Are there really cases here of people who've had bad experiences confessing their asexuality to their family? :(

 

That's really sad, but I'd like to hear more about it, because I've always been very open about it and maybe I should be more careful before talking about it?

Unfortunately there are some very bad experiences for people coming out as asexual.

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Is there a thread about that?

I'd love to know people's experiences about it before coming out more frequently, as I had intended.

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The most important thing to remember is that if you feel uncomfortable or unsafe about coming out, make sure you have a support system in place. Also, remember that you don't necessarily have to come out now if it's difficult. You will come out to many people over the course of your life and there will be some people you will never tell. And that's okay. ^_^ Like my mum says - you don't owe anyone your story, because it only belongs to you. There is no formula for this kind of thing, unfortunately, but ultimately it is always your decision and you should never feel forced into it.

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Conspiracy_Web

I tell my mom everything, but I haven't told her that I'm Ace. I'd be careful, you said your mom is kinda homophobic, even though she reacted well about that friend. Unfortunately a lot of people are okay with people being gay, as long as it's not their own kid. 

That being said if you really want to tell her I'd wait until after collage, or after you move out. As long as that may feel, I honestly think it's the safest way to go about this. If your mom doesn't react well it won't effect you so much if you no longer live in her house. 

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Extroverted Introvert

I recently told my parents and I kind of wish I hadn't, personally. My parents didn't seem to believe that asexuality was even a thing, so to them what I was telling them was that I was fine being single. It didn't seem like a big announcement to them; they assume one day I might meet the right guy and I'll change my mind. I don't know your mom's views on marriage or anything. Maybe if there is pressure to be in a relationship, I would tell them because it might remove some of the pressure. My parents weren't upset about what I told them and they are totally fine if I never get in a relationship. But I realized that them understanding that asexuality exists was really important to me. They didn't seem to understand that so it felt like a rejection in a way - like they didn't accept what I was saying about who I am. So I don't know that the conversation actually resulted in anything positive. My parents saw it as a total "non-issue" whereas I walked away from the conversation very let down.

 

What I'm trying to say is, I think you need to decide what you want to get out of the conversation. How will you feel if your mom doesn't accept it or doesn't believe it? Is it a risk you want to take - is the potential gain going to be worth it? I think things were fine between my parents and me before the talk. They are mostly fine now. But I think the conversation might have been a waste of time for me.

 

But you aren't me. I don't know your exact situation or your specific reasons for wanting to tell your mom. How important is it that she knows? And I realize that in my case, I was coming out as both aromantic and asexual. You seem to  to be just referring to coming out as asexual and you seem to identify as androromantic. So, again, our situations aren't the same.

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The best advice I could give you is to not force it and let it come naturally, don't force yourself to tell her until you feel ready. I was worried when I came out to my mom too, she always told me the same things your mom did but I was nervous too. My grandparents are pretty old-fashioned, so I have never told them because I feel like they wouldn't understand.

 

Luckily my mom and I are super close and she was very accepting of it. If you are worried about things changing between you two, let her know that whenever you do tell her and get all your feelings out in the open. I hope things go well for you!

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On 3/12/2018 at 11:04 PM, SkelBea18 said:

Huh yeah I hadn't thought of it that way. That makes sense though.

 

Another reason I want to tell her is she has a suspicion that I'm being sexual (no idea where that came from, maybe certain parents are just always suspicious of their kids lol) and I want to reassure her I'm not so she can fully trust me again. But maybe it isn't worth it if she's going to see me differently either way. Now that I really think about it, maybe I should just decide which is less devastating to her. 

This same thing is happening to me right now. My mother and stepmom thinking that I'm being sexual with my best friend, who is a boy (I'm a girl). I want to tell her but I don't really think she would understand. My stepmom has started tracking me through my phone and she asks me questions whenever she sees me go to his house. I'm scared of being seeing differently too. You are still the same person, sexual or not, and that's what she needs to understand. 

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As a mom, I'll say that having a son or daughter tell you that they are not the standard vanilla orientation can make you worry for their sake.   If they're gay, you may worry that they will be discriminated against or even hurt physically or emotionally.  And if they're asexual (and you know what that means), you may worry that they will be alone all their life because it will be hard for them to find a partner.  If my son had come out to me (he's obviously sexual), I would express support but I would also feel very worried.  a son 

 

Even if a son or daugher would like to have their parents know about their asexuality, the parents themselves probably don't need to know, or, actually, want to know.  It's something that can wait until things become obvious.  

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