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discussion on sexuality and trans (TW)


binary suns

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binary suns

(it is complex and we are starting to see a need to improve our sexuality terminology) 

 

It's important for any human to be accepting of their own sexuality. When this sexuality is attraction to a transperson, things can be a little confusing, and even uncomfortable. That's fine and please set boundaries when needed! Please respect others' boundaries when stated!

 

But the attraction itself, is healthy and okay. For me, and others, they might not appreciate it, but that doesn't make the person attracted wrongful.. just because we feel creeped out by there attraction, doesn't make who they are creepy

 

 

... at least not inherently. there are creepy ways to express and act upon attraction. 

 

 

 

But let's give two examples of theoretic situations someone is attracted to me, and the discourse between us is healthy and good: 

 

 

1. physical attractiveness to women

 

If a cis female and a trans female are dating. And after a while, the cis female says, "I'm sorry but, because you don't have physical qualities I need in a woman, I can't keep dating you - my attraction just isn't expressing for you as strongly as it could be."

 

this is her being honest to here emotional needs. I don't meet her attraction as strong as she needs it to. Some attraction is based on personality - and such people are very happy to date most trans people they're attracted too. But some attraction is more influenced by physicality - and if my physicality does not meet what a partner needs, it's healthy for her and for me for us to split up. 

 

 

A metaphor... being with the wrong partner is like being born the wrong gender. It's a little off at best, and confusing and possibly hurtful at worse. I know they are not literally the same, and I'm understating it, but I am simply trying to give a way to empathize with each other... the fact that something doesn't quite fit who you are as a person. 

 

Me, I have to reconcile who I am with my identity. I have no choice otherwise. But someone else has the choice to be with someone better fitting. Sucks for me, but it's for the best for the both of us in the end - their dating me would be off for both of us. 

 

 

2. chasers

 

Let's say a chaser likes me because she thinks I'd have a part she likes. I find out this is what she's after, and I'm not okay with this - I don't want to be attractive for that part, and know that eventually it'll go and then she'll leave too. Not gonna date with her sorry! But, it's just the way she's attracted. So what? I mean yes, it disgusts me and triggers me a little, but she is as she is and I accept her for being honest with her own sexuality. It's a very healthy thing to do! 

 

It honestly grosses me out. But, that's on me, not on them. Their interest in me is their interest. If they have respect, they'll make advances when it's appropriate to do so, and they'll respect my boundaries when I set them. But in and of itself, their attraction to me is not wrong or phobic. 

 

 

 

 

I am unimaginative. There are more ways in which being "of mixed gender sexually" due to transition impacts sexuality, as in, who is attracted to me. That's... that's okay. It can be handled poorly for sure, but in and of itself, attraction is as it is. 

 

 

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Because of this, I find it easier to just call myself bi or pan.

 

I'm bi/panromantic, so I can be in a relationship with people of basically any gender. But with sex, I can only get attracted to...dare I say...people with a penis. Which makes the terminology a bit shaky because I do not want to exclude trans females, but do want to exclude AFAB. Having sexuality defined with biological sex seems uncomfortable for trans folk, but defining with gender causes issues like this.

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In regards to chasers, I do find it questionable somewhat, but as long as people are respectful, then I’m fine with that. Though personally, I probably wouldn’t want to date them.

 

I understand people can’t help who/what they’re attracted to. Though there are a couple reasons I find it questionable. One is fetishization, second is how could someone even tell if someone is trans unless specifically told so? 

 

And for people who aren’t attracted to trans people, that’s okay. I understand. Though one doesn’t have to be a jerk about it by saying something like “Oh, I won’t date you because you’re not a ‘real man’” or “I won’t ever date a trans person because they’re gross”. That’s just rude and disrespectful.

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