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If your ex found out they were Ace..


Sweet Potato

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Sweet Potato

I didn't find out I was Asexual until after I left my very sexual husband. Now I'm wondering if I should tell him that I'm Ace. I know my lack of interest in sex caused him to feel inadiquate, ugly, etc. I have no intention on trying to get back with him (not ever!) but shoud he know that he was not the problem?

 

 Allosexuals, if your ex found out they were ace, would you want to be told?

 

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I will never tell either one. I only talk to one of my two exes, and that's only occasionally. I've posted before that it's not likely I ever come out to anyone except to another ace. I don't do long explanations (about anything). She was and still is convinced I was "getting some on the side". Any explaining now would likely not be well received. 

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This has crossed my mind as well.  I have no idea how to contact my last ex (it was 10 years ago!) but I broke up with him because I didn't want to sleep with him and I feel like it would be courteous to explain that it really had nothing to do with him.  I can't say if I would want to know, but I understand where you're coming from.

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Telecaster68
50 minutes ago, Sweet Potato said:

I didn't find out I was Asexual until after I left my very sexual husband. Now I'm wondering if I should tell him that I'm Ace. I know my lack of interest in sex caused him to feel inadiquate, ugly, etc. I have no intention on trying to get back with him (not ever!) but shoud he know that he was not the problem?

 

 Allosexuals, if your ex found out they were ace, would you want to be told?

 

If he still feels like that, then yes. But if he's moved on and is happily with someone else, I'd let sleeping dogs lie. 

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Depends on your relationship at the moment...

 

When I talked to my first boyfriend again after two years we resparked a friendship and we went through the whole apologies and finishing up loose ends from the romantic break up to clear the air. But, I wouldn't tell my exes I don't talk to anything, honestly.

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If it feels like an unresolved thing between you two, do it (it may be, since you're thinking of it enough to bring it up). 

 

But otherwise... I wouldn't see it as relevant to him, if both of you have moved on. This is something you discovered about yourself later. No particular need to keep him updated on your life, self-knowledge and etc. For all practical purposes, you didn't desire him and still don't. He couldn't take it and probably still can't. Telling him doesn't change much.

 

It is the same logic I'd apply to not telling ex-partners that I am now openly stated polyamorous. Sure, I felt restless in the relationship and I never really bought in to the monogamous belief, etc and that may have made them feel insecure or something that I never acted jealous or possessive about them. Who knows. They may have thought I didn't love them enough. But at the end of the day, a relationship doesn't break over one thing and if it is over, it is over.

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Well, my most current ex(as of a year ago, knew from the start that I was demisexual/at times Gray Ace), but as for my first ex, I don't think he'd care if I was asexual. He was quite a jerk, to put it mildly!

Regards,

Rosendust

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My ex is ace actually. :lol:

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  • 2 weeks later...

I've been thinking the same thing recently. I've had 2 long term girlfends in the past with many arguments and uncomfortable conversations over why it had been weeks or months without having sex, why they always initiated it, why I seemed disinterested during etc. I left my last ex for other reasons and would gladly go the rest of my life without speaking to them.

 

However the relationship with my first ex ended because of this and not much else. We've met a few times since then and were very open and friendly with each other, even giving each other relationship advice. I've not spoke to her for about a year now but since I've recently realised I'm asexual, I've been contemplating getting back in touch and having a catch up with her.

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  • 2 weeks later...
DemiSexual_me

I don't know what your relationship was like. If it was abusive I would say no don't get in contact, but if this man loved you and tried to make it work he deserves to know! I just got out of a relationship with a women who I now believe was Gray-Sexual/ maybe even Asexual.  It caused me so much confusion and frustration, self loathing and self doubt. I am on the spectrum myself identifying as a Demisexual so I can't even emotion what your partner must have felt.  

 

If they are a decent person they will forgive you and and themselves for the misunderstand. We are all learning about these things now and its so important for us to share so that others don't find themselves in similar situations. 

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