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i think i might be lithromantic but im so confused and i feel broken


noahkurt25

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hello! i hope someone replies me because im in desperate need of guidance and clarification and im SO glad i found this site because i dont know anyone that could possibly help me irl . im starting to worry that im lithromantic, not that theres anthing wrong with that, im just so confused rn and ive always thought i was a HUGE Romanticist. i love romance books, comics, i ship TV characters and i can feel lust and all that stuff. in fact, ive always considered myself to be the type to get into cute cheesy relationships and ive always wanted a partner to marry and have kids with them. or at least i thought so. i was so caught up in your average teenage flurry of "oooo romanceee, dating! kissing!" all that. until i was 16 years old and i finally got my first date. i was so excited and all that but literally 3 days into our relationship, i tried to deny it, but i felt repulsed by the thought of him coming to see me. i didnt even want to look at him, let alone go out with him. and its not like he did anyhing wrong. i literally just felt repulsed by the thought of him caring for me. in the end i brushed it off as "not having chemistry/ a connection" so, i date a few more people and none of them last more than 2 weeks because shortly into the relationship, i feel the same feelings of wanting to withdraw and feeling repulsed at the flowers and the hugs. i continue to brush all these incidents off as "i havent found 'the one' yet" . so i continue on with this mindset until early this year. theres this guy, the first person id ever had a crush on, the first person i had ever fallen in love with but he didnt feel the same and it broke my heart i was 14. although we are very good, platonic friends now, i always thought id always love him deep down. but this year, after being "platonic?" (was it really?) for 3 years, he finally reciprocated my feelings and initially i was so happy. hes the boy who i literally love. so we get together. and the same pattern follows. literally TWO days after we get together, i start to become extremely repulsed by everything he did. all the cute cheesy stuff i thought i liked? i hated it when he did it. i was in such denial i forced myself to get excited and swoon over the things he did. needless to say, the pattern follows, and i ended things after 1.5 weeks. it ruined the close friendship we built. not due to any awkwardness, in fact, we went back to being friends just fine. but the repulsion i had for HIM never wore off. until now, thinking of him and the things he did while we were together, makes me uncomfortable and sick. it was only after this event did i start to feel like something was wrong with me. all this cheesy romance stuff is the stuff id dream about as a little girl, i invested so much time in FICTIONAL couples and fantasizing about my future boyfriend and all the cute things we'd do. so WHY do i LOVE romantic gestures in theory but when it actually happens to me, i hate it and i feel disgusted. but why do i like it when the guys who are perusing me do cute things, but when we finally get together, i hate it? im actually still okay with romantic gestures in the EARLY stages of dating. but suddenly when things get VAGUELY serious, its like a switch in my brain that goes off and suddenly im grossed out? im so sorry this is so long but i hope someone will take the time to read this and help me out. the internet is the only place i can turn to 

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Hey, I think I can relate to your experience. I have never really wanted to date anyone, but I just kind of assumed I would like it. Same for kissing. But then I found out I was really repulsed by kissing, except I didn't even have to try it to figure that out. I just thought about kissing, and what I thought about it, not what society told me to think about kissing. The whole exchange of saliva thing just gives me the willies!

 

But I did think I felt romantic attraction. At the time, I was unaware of the idea of sensual attraction existing on its own and not being tied to romantic attraction, so now I'm coming to accept that I'm aromantic, but I just like cuddling.

8 hours ago, noahkurt25 said:

and its not like he did anyhing wrong. i literally just felt repulsed by the thought of him caring for me.

That sounds quite possibly aromantic or akoiromantic (the same thing as lithromantic, but you should use the term akoiromantic to avoid appropriating lesbian stone culture).

 

8 hours ago, noahkurt25 said:

initially i was so happy. hes the boy who i literally love. so we get together. and the same pattern follows. literally TWO days after we get together, i start to become extremely repulsed by everything he did. all the cute cheesy stuff i thought i liked? i hated it when he did it.

That sounds really akoiromantic. Do you think it would be helpful for you to keep platonic relationships, and if you have a crush on someone just hide it and keep the relationship platonic? That way, you'd avoid the repulsion once the attraction is reciprocated. But then, it looks like you truly do want to form a romantic relationship. It might just take a lot of time and introspection to figure it out.

 

For me, I thought I was akoiromantic, but then I finally started accepting the notion that I'm probably aromantic and I just thought my desire to get close and cuddly to some people as romantic. It took quite a while to accept it. Akoiromantic is still a valid orientation, but I'm not really sure how to alleviate your angst, other than get in a close platonic relationship with someone, and just think in your head about it being romantic so that way they won't reciprocate.

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8 hours ago, noahkurt25 said:

it was only after this event did i start to feel like something was wrong with me. all this cheesy romance stuff is the stuff id dream about as a little girl, i invested so much time in FICTIONAL couples and fantasizing about my future boyfriend and all the cute things we'd do.

Do you just want to have romantic relationships in your head and not with actual people? There are aromantics out there who also like reading about romance or even thinking about them being in a fictional romance - they just don't want to have a romantic relationship with someone.

 

8 hours ago, noahkurt25 said:

so WHY do i LOVE romantic gestures in theory but when it actually happens to me, i hate it and i feel disgusted

You're romance repulsed. You can continue to like romantic gestures in theory, but now you know to stay away from romantic relationships. If you don't like dating, then don't do it. But since you do like romance in theory, I understand how it can be difficult to figure out what to do about it. For me personally, I'm starting to shift my label from akoiromantic to aromantic because I think I can attain everything I could want in a relationship without anything romantic.

 

I encourage you to explore more of what you think of as romantic - maybe you'll come to accept you are akoiromantic, maybe you'll come to accept you are aromantic. It's a learning experience. Keep on asking questions! It's good to get to know yourself. Also feel free to PM me if you want.

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On 3/13/2018 at 9:43 AM, Beaver Boy said:

Do you just want to have romantic relationships in your head and not with actual people? There are aromantics out there who also like reading about romance or even thinking about them being in a fictional romance - they just don't want to have a romantic relationship with someone.

 

You're romance repulsed. You can continue to like romantic gestures in theory, but now you know to stay away from romantic relationships. If you don't like dating, then don't do it. But since you do like romance in theory, I understand how it can be difficult to figure out what to do about it. For me personally, I'm starting to shift my label from akoiromantic to aromantic because I think I can attain everything I could want in a relationship without anything romantic.

 

I encourage you to explore more of what you think of as romantic - maybe you'll come to accept you are akoiromantic, maybe you'll come to accept you are aromantic. It's a learning experience. Keep on asking questions! It's good to get to know yourself. Also feel free to PM me if you want.

hi! im still new to this site and im still not so sure on how to "reply" to you, but thank you so much for taking the time to read and reply to this :') thank you so much for validating how i feel, it means so much. i will continue to explore who i am. how i feel now is like if youve loved the idea of eating apples your whole life and you finally get to eat an apple, only to find out that youre allergic to them and your body literally REJECTS it. but i do love the tension that i feel with another person when i like them and i know they like me back, the flirting, and stuff. but when it comes to getting together and the "i love you" and UGH i hate hate hate it, is that still considered romance repulsed? 

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Hey Noahkurt25

 

Welcome to AVEN! Make yourself at home (:

 

What you are feeling may be uncommon among the hetero-normative society, but it should not make you feel invalid. I can understand your frustration because I fear that I may be lith too. We adore love and romance in theory but in practice we can never feel ourselves. I guess in these situations we need to be cautious of the distance and the intensity of our relationships - whether they are romantic or platonic.

 

Just know that you are not alone in the way you feel (:

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4 minutes ago, noahkurt25 said:

how i feel now is like if youve loved the idea of eating apples your whole life and you finally get to eat an apple, only to find out that youre allergic to them and your body literally REJECTS it. but i do love the tension that i feel with another person when i like them and i know they like me back, the flirting, and stuff. but when it comes to getting together and the "i love you" and UGH i hate hate hate it, is that still considered romance repulsed? 

It looks like you are romance repulsed when your romantic attraction is reciprocated, so it seems akoiromantic. But if you feel the romantic attraction before actually forging the romantic relationship, that doesn't necessarily make you aromantic. So I'd say you are only romance repulsed when the romantic attraction is reciprocated / whenever you actually start getting into a romantic relationship.

 

I like the apples analogy you supplied. Maybe you're best off if you just have romantic relationships in theory and never actually tell anyone you want to get romantic? But then maybe the tension would hurt too much because you really would want to form a romantic relationship?

 

Who knows what you'll come to accept. But it looks like you would be leaning towards akoiromantic or possibly aromantic.

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2 hours ago, Beaver Boy said:

It looks like you are romance repulsed when your romantic attraction is reciprocated, so it seems akoiromantic. But if you feel the romantic attraction before actually forging the romantic relationship, that doesn't necessarily make you aromantic. So I'd say you are only romance repulsed when the romantic attraction is reciprocated / whenever you actually start getting into a romantic relationship.

 

I like the apples analogy you supplied. Maybe you're best off if you just have romantic relationships in theory and never actually tell anyone you want to get romantic? But then maybe the tension would hurt too much because you really would want to form a romantic relationship?

 

Who knows what you'll come to accept. But it looks like you would be leaning towards akoiromantic or possibly aromantic.

thank you so so much youve literally been so helpful and i feel so much more validated <3  

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3 hours ago, Gldlynch said:

Hey Noahkurt25

 

Welcome to AVEN! Make yourself at home (:

 

What you are feeling may be uncommon among the hetero-normative society, but it should not make you feel invalid. I can understand your frustration because I fear that I may be lith too. We adore love and romance in theory but in practice we can never feel ourselves. I guess in these situations we need to be cautious of the distance and the intensity of our relationships - whether they are romantic or platonic.

 

Just know that you are not alone in the way you feel (:

thank you so much, im so glad i found this community (:

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3 hours ago, noahkurt25 said:

thank you so so much youve literally been so helpful and i feel so much more validated <3  

Your always welcome to sort out your thoughts here. I’m glad you found a good community here.

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  • 1 month later...

I mean... Same :D If you wanna talk about it, you can message me here.

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