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Asexual Relationship With A Hypersexual


WhiskeyAce

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Let me start off by saying, I love my boyfriend.

I do.

I know it'd be easier to date an asexual.

I many times wish I fell in love with an asexual.

But I didnt. And here I am.

Also, I'm going to have to share more information here than I'd like, but I feel it's important to have the whole story on the table before asking for advice. So let's get the wretched oversharing over with.

I AM Asexual. I have known this for quite some time now, about 5+ years, but I had struggled with that before. I couldn't tell that it was who I was as I was violently sexually assaulted at the formative age of 14. Before anyone says it, no I'm not asexual ONLY because of trauma. I have reflected on it multiple times for a long time and even when there is no PTSD induced anxiety, I still feel no sexual attraction or libido. So yeah...

The problem lies in the fact that my boyfriend of almost 2 years, is not only sexual, but has a very HIGH sex drive.  (But I think he's demi because he didn't used to be like this, and doesn't seem to act on or experience sexual attraction to anyone else. I mean he's never really had or as far as I'm aware even desired sex outside of a close relationship. But now that he's in one, he just doesn't STOP.)

He knows I'm ace, has the wholetime and we continually talk about it, and he's generally supportive and respectful. Or at least he tries to be....

 

I guess what's bothering me is he kinda... isn't? He accepts my sexuality, never outright says it's invalid, but at the same time he CONSTANTLY thinks there's a way to "FIX" it.

Like I try to have sex with him, because it's important to him and makes him happy, but obviously there's lots of times I really don't want to or certain things set off my ptsd.

And he's generally understanding but he seems to think if he just does things differently, I'll be more into sex.

I also suffer from hypothyroidism, and one of the symptoms of that is low sex drive, so he thinks the answer is getting me on the right thyroid medication. THEN I'll be into sex.

So in his head if I just

-cure my thyroid

-work out my ptsd and anxiety 

And he just 

-does things slow, gentle, and/or whatever to avoid my triggers

That I will want and enjoy sex as much as he does.

I dont. And I don't think any of that will change or fix it.

He literally doesn't understand how I can NOT have sexual attractions or feelings, when I equally don't understand how they consume his every waking thought it seems.

Which is a normal thing when I talk to sexual people...

And I'm getting increasingly agitated with his ideas of "fixing" me or the fact that we can't ever kiss, cuddle, massage or do ANYTHING  without it being sexually charged.

If he doesn't get a certain amount of sex within a certain time frame (varies), his behavior radically changes. He gets moody and complains about it, he becomes more physically insistent (i.e. putting his hand down my pants or up my shirt any time we kiss, and that tooootally doesnt cause my ptsd to spike....*sigh*). 

I've suggested opening the relationship, and am I scared that he'll fall more in love with someone who can actually provide for him sexually? Terrified!

But I just can't keep up with it. The harder I try to compromise the more stressed I become and the less I want to be in this relationship. 

Even worse, he doesn't want an open relationship because it makes him uncomfortable, even tho he agrees the increase sex would help him.

And I hate that I feel that way, because aforementioned i love him and don't actually want to be without him. But I can't take the constant need anymore!

 

So I'm hoping someone else here has some experience with this and someone can offer me advice....

How do I make an exclusive  relationship with a hypersexual work without sacrificing my own sanity?

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14 minutes ago, WhiskeyAce said:

And I'm getting increasingly agitated with his ideas of "fixing" me or the fact that we can't ever kiss, cuddle, massage or do ANYTHING  without it being sexually charged.

Frustratingly there are some sexuals on AVEN who have been trying to insist to people who have experienced this that it doesn't happen, and that asexuals gatekeep sex and intimacy in their relationships. SIGH. It seems impossible for some people to understand that for SOME sexual people (not all) literally any form of intimacy an ace could desire will be sexually charged for the sexual, leading the ace to even want to pull away from those forms of intimacy eventually because they know it'll only lead to their partner wanting some form of sex (and becoming discouraged or unhappy if you won't oblige them, no matter how much sex you give them the rest of the time. grr).

 

16 minutes ago, WhiskeyAce said:

because aforementioned i love him and don't actually want to be without him.

Those same sexual people also tried convincing us we were coerced into the sex etc, but that's not the case. As you said here, you can LOVE someone and not want to be without them, but if they're very sexual and have a very high sex drive then you're kind of stuck having to have sex and being constantly frustrated at all the ways they try to fix you and make you enjoy it etc. *sigh*.

 

Anyway, sorry, had to have that little rant. I've been in that situation and there really isn't any solution I can really think of. Maybe if my ex had been 'different' I could have just done stuff TO him (like give oral), or let him wank ONTO me, without my own body having to be involved, and that might have been easier for me? Do you think you could do something like that, so every time he wants sex you could give him oral, or he could masturbate onto your boobs or butt or something, without actually HAVING sex with (ie penetrating) your body, could that be easier for you to deal with do you think? My ex never would have been okay with that because he was dead set on doing things to try to force me to enjoy it (which always involved my genitals, the one part I feel nothing but pain in), but maybe your boyfriend might be more reasonable and would be okay with those sorts of actions instead of stuff that requires your genitals to be involved? I would have 'enjoyed' sex MORE if my own genitals and arousal/orgasm were not expected to be involved in any way. Sex would just have been easier and taken less of a toll, and I could have done it a lot more with more enthusiasm because it's more having to have stuff done to my genitals that I just can't stand. and being expected to orgasm etc. grr. But the other stuff is a LOT easier as long as I know it won't lead to my genitals having to be involved.

 

I hope you can find a solution that works out for the best for both you and your boyfriend, good luck :):cake:

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I definitely don't enjoy giving oral so that's not really an option, and we did discuss the whole masturbate thing. The problem being he doesn't really stick to it. He constantly asks for more participation from me because "masturbating isn't the same."

Constant hand jobs are equally exhausting and not satisfactory for him (I mean obviously for the moment it works, but in the long run he doesn't calm down.)

And yes, that's one of my biggest problems. I LOVE physical contact. I like making out, and massages, and cuddling. The problem is I could do all these things NAKED and still feel no sexual attraction or desire.

He could be in an Alaskan snow suit and the second any physical contact is initiated, he tries to direct it to sex.

So i REALLY wish romance was less sexual to him. I somewhat see how the two are intermingled but is it really impossible for them to be separated for a sexual? Because they're completely separate to me.

 

And like I said he gets so insistent. He never really cared before, but now it's almost every day he complains about the lack of sex,  even if we just had sex! Literally! If he wants to go 2 rounds and I didn't even want the one he's disappointed!

And physically he's getting more insistent. I have to constantly tell him to back off because the second we kiss he's grabbing boobs or genitals. It's making me anxious.

I just want romance without sex every once in a while. Platonic cuddling, massages that actually make my back feel better instead of lazy rubbing to use as "foreplay."

I feel like I compromise as much as I can, and I know it's not enough for him but it's already driving me crazy so I can't possibly give more. And I just wish he gave me a little on return. I'm not contact repulsed, I just hate sex. I wish we could cuddle for a few hours and I could just feel safe and loved instead of pressured for sex. I wish we could kiss and feel romance and love without a tongue being shoved in my mouth and being groped. Like just once in a while it DOESN'T transition to any form of sex. If that makes sense.

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Like today, we were kissing and he started getting handsy with my boobs. I asked him to stop, we keep kissing, he tries throwing a hand in my pants, I tell him NO.... He rolls over and goes to sleep. Like apparently kisses can only be pecks where we separate right after (i.e. goodbye pecks) or get naked within minutes and it irritated me.

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25 minutes ago, WhiskeyAce said:

The problem is I could do all these things NAKED and still feel no sexual attraction or desire.

He could be in an Alaskan snow suit and the second any physical contact is initiated, he tries to direct it to sex.

So i REALLY wish romance was less sexual to him. I somewhat see how the two are intermingled but is it really impossible for them to be separated for a sexual?

 

17 minutes ago, WhiskeyAce said:

Like today, we were kissing and he started getting handsy with my boobs. I asked him to stop, we keep kissing, he tries throwing a hand in my pants, I tell him NO.... He rolls over and goes to sleep. Like apparently kisses can only be pecks where we separate right after (i.e. goodbye pecks) or get naked within minutes and it irritated me.

That's EXACTLY how me and @Serran felt in our past sexual relationships with our exes. We were shot down by some sexual members here the other day telling us sexual people aren't like that, but some most definitely are and it's an extremely difficult situation to be in when you're an ace and love your partner, but you're having a hard time coping with so much sex. Some people say that an aces needs are always met in a mixed relationship and a sexual person's needs rarely are, but they just don't understand what it's like when you as the ace desire snuggling and kisses and cuddles (and could even be naked doing that) but start feeling like you have to pull away from that intimacy because it will literally ALWAYS lead to sex, it's like those things don't even exist or matter for your partner unless they lead to sex. So your needs are NEVER met even though you're constantly trying to meet the needs of your partner. Even holding my exes hand was a trigger for him that sex would happen soon, or if I asked for a foot rub it would be on the condition that sex happened after (even though I gave him sex twice a day every day already *sigh*).

 

Anyway, it's certainly not like this for all sexual people. @Chimeric, for example, is very happy with her ace partner and would never *expect* sex from him or anything like that. As far as I know they're completely celibate yet she still often makes posts on AVEN about how much she loves him etc. So there are definitely sexual people out there who are the OPPOSITE to what your boyfriend and my ex are like.. however it doesn't help when the one that you love is the one that wants all the sex *sigh*

 

Weirdly for me, after leaving my ex in 2011, I remained celibate for years and was IDing as asexual.. then a couple of years ago I met someone here who didn't expect sex from me at all, in any way, yet was still open to it if I wanted it. That 'awoke' something in me that made me start desiring some forms of sexual intimacy with him.. it was like the LACK of that desire awoke the desire within me, and it did the same for him to. We would still never *expect* sex from each other, but that lack of expectation helps us both feel much more sexually open with each other (even though we're at a distance right now, not physically together). But we could hug and snuggle and kiss (even naked) literally aaaaaaaaall day, and we both know neither of us would try to push that towards sex, or need sex as a result of that contact, and that's such amazing feeling after having that constant sexual pressure over you for years.

 

I can't really give any advice other than the masturbating thing unfortunately, and I understand what you're saying about 'it not being enough' for him. I wish he could see that you're at least trying to meet him halfway with those kind of compromises, and there is a much higher chance of the relationship surviving if he could find a way to be happy with that (like masturbating on your boobs or whatever) instead of constantly wanting that to go further. Maybe if you said to him you may have to end the relationship if he keeps wanting it to go further, when you've explained it's just too much for you, he might realize how serious you are and if he really wants to be with you, he'd find a way to be happy with what you can give? And if not, maybe it would be better for you both to break up so he can find someone who is more compatible sexually, and you can try to find an asexual partner (which will be a LOT harder for you than finding a sexual partner will be for him unfortunately) but you'll have a chance at sexless romantic love which would be amazing for you (because you get all the snuggles you want and no need for sex ever!).. You'll be missing the person you love for a while, but you won't have to put up with constant pressure for sex all the time which might help you feel so much better :/

 

Anyway, sorry, my advice probably isn't very good (no one wants to be told to leave the person they love, I know!!), but I hope you find a solution that can work out for the best for both you and your partner :cake:

 

 

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7 hours ago, WhiskeyAce said:

I definitely don't enjoy giving oral so that's not really an option, and we did discuss the whole masturbate thing. The problem being he doesn't really stick to it. He constantly asks for more participation from me because "masturbating isn't the same."

Constant hand jobs are equally exhausting and not satisfactory for him (I mean obviously for the moment it works, but in the long run he doesn't calm down.)

And yes, that's one of my biggest problems. I LOVE physical contact. I like making out, and massages, and cuddling. The problem is I could do all these things NAKED and still feel no sexual attraction or desire.

He could be in an Alaskan snow suit and the second any physical contact is initiated, he tries to direct it to sex.

So i REALLY wish romance was less sexual to him. I somewhat see how the two are intermingled but is it really impossible for them to be separated for a sexual? Because they're completely separate to me.

 

And like I said he gets so insistent. He never really cared before, but now it's almost every day he complains about the lack of sex,  even if we just had sex! Literally! If he wants to go 2 rounds and I didn't even want the one he's disappointed!

And physically he's getting more insistent. I have to constantly tell him to back off because the second we kiss he's grabbing boobs or genitals. It's making me anxious.

I just want romance without sex every once in a while. Platonic cuddling, massages that actually make my back feel better instead of lazy rubbing to use as "foreplay."

I feel like I compromise as much as I can, and I know it's not enough for him but it's already driving me crazy so I can't possibly give more. And I just wish he gave me a little on return. I'm not contact repulsed, I just hate sex. I wish we could cuddle for a few hours and I could just feel safe and loved instead of pressured for sex. I wish we could kiss and feel romance and love without a tongue being shoved in my mouth and being groped. Like just once in a while it DOESN'T transition to any form of sex. If that makes sense.

Have you two talked about this outside of the in the moment? 

 

For my ex, a large part of it was that he was never actually satisfied with what we did, even if it was oral or PiV sex, because I wasn't into it. So, frustration actually built in him, no matter how much sex we had (and one time, it was seven times in a single day...). So, it was like always starving for him, because what he truly desired (being desired back) wasn't possible. 

 

And for me, it was constantly being force fed, cause what I truly desired (not being desired sexually) was not possible. 

 

So, in the end what we did was I  stopped touching him completely, he just did things as quick and leave me alone as possible and we split after about a year of that. Without any forms of intimacy, it's hard to keep a relationship going.

 

And I get the struggle of trying to get them to stop groping during kissing. My ex was the same way. Hand on the boobs, move it. Hand goes to the butt, move it. Hand goes to the crotch... get frustrated. When I talked to my ex about it he said it was a natural reaction and he would try to stop his body doing it. Never actually was successful. I Just wanted his hands on my hips when we kissed! Or around my waist when we cuddled. But, honestly, even the act of laying against him was too much for him because breathing or natural movement would turn him on if I was pressed against him cuddling. :mellow:

 

I can tell you, if you can't find a solution, this is going to probably get worse. I spent 10 years in the relationship with my ex. By the end, even being in the same room as him caused anxiety cause I just could not stand the idea of sex and everything I did turned him on - even wearing sweatpants with my hair a mess seemed to do it. And I can't help with finding a solution. My ex would acknowledge what I said and say he'd try and it always failed, cause he just couldn't stop himself wanting sex and being sexually frustrated, which ruined everything we tried to do for me. But, talking is the only thing I can think to suggest. 

 

As for the trying to "fix" - that's wishful thinking. And, again, been there. My ex thought if he just got me the right sex toy I'd like it. If he just gave me oral right I'd like it. If he just ... but no, I didn't like it, I didn't want it and he just couldn't get it. He never got it. Not until I left and got in a new relationship and was so happy that my new partner was totally on board with the no sex thing. And it's frustrating for someone to always be trying to make you enjoy something you hate. 

 

Edit: The only solution I know is to break up. But, if you want to try, I wish you luck. Just don't do anything that will be harmful or make your PTSD worse. 

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I've been with my boyfriend for three years. I don't hate sex, but I'm indifferent and would rather be doing other things. Oh and I have like pretty much no libido. Anyhow, he considers himself as a very sexual person and PIV is the only way he can orgasm so while hand and mouth stuff feel good to him, they just get him more worked up. I'm not sure how he has been going without regular sex, but he says he loves me more than sex and through time his libido just kind of went down a bit. We've also been through some stressful things together and separately which may have affected his libido as well. He doesn't pressure me and we cuddle a lot and kiss and it's works somehow.  However, your partner seems to be pushing you more and more. I hope you can find a solution and really express how you feel to him so he understands and hopefully changes his act somehow or you find another solution. I'm sorry you're in this situation. Good luck!

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Sweet Potato

I have no advice on how to make it work, my relationship was alot like yours, he wanted sex all the freaking time and I did not at all. if I said no when he tried to initiate sex he would get mad and frustrated. I wanted kisses and snuggles without sex he believed those were just a prelude to sex, and failure to have sex was leading him on.

my solution was to leave, and Im glad I did

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On 3/12/2018 at 3:06 AM, WhiskeyAce said:

Let me start off by saying, I love my boyfriend.

I do.

I know it'd be easier to date an asexual.

I many times wish I fell in love with an asexual.

But I didnt. And here I am.

Also, I'm going to have to share more information here than I'd like, but I feel it's important to have the whole story on the table before asking for advice. So let's get the wretched oversharing over with.

I AM Asexual. I have known this for quite some time now, about 5+ years, but I had struggled with that before. I couldn't tell that it was who I was as I was violently sexually assaulted at the formative age of 14. Before anyone says it, no I'm not asexual ONLY because of trauma. I have reflected on it multiple times for a long time and even when there is no PTSD induced anxiety, I still feel no sexual attraction or libido. So yeah...

The problem lies in the fact that my boyfriend of almost 2 years, is not only sexual, but has a very HIGH sex drive.  (But I think he's demi because he didn't used to be like this, and doesn't seem to act on or experience sexual attraction to anyone else. I mean he's never really had or as far as I'm aware even desired sex outside of a close relationship. But now that he's in one, he just doesn't STOP.)

He knows I'm ace, has the wholetime and we continually talk about it, and he's generally supportive and respectful. Or at least he tries to be....

 

I guess what's bothering me is he kinda... isn't? He accepts my sexuality, never outright says it's invalid, but at the same time he CONSTANTLY thinks there's a way to "FIX" it.

Like I try to have sex with him, because it's important to him and makes him happy, but obviously there's lots of times I really don't want to or certain things set off my ptsd.

And he's generally understanding but he seems to think if he just does things differently, I'll be more into sex.

I also suffer from hypothyroidism, and one of the symptoms of that is low sex drive, so he thinks the answer is getting me on the right thyroid medication. THEN I'll be into sex.

So in his head if I just

-cure my thyroid

-work out my ptsd and anxiety 

And he just 

-does things slow, gentle, and/or whatever to avoid my triggers

That I will want and enjoy sex as much as he does.

I dont. And I don't think any of that will change or fix it.

He literally doesn't understand how I can NOT have sexual attractions or feelings, when I equally don't understand how they consume his every waking thought it seems.

Which is a normal thing when I talk to sexual people...

And I'm getting increasingly agitated with his ideas of "fixing" me or the fact that we can't ever kiss, cuddle, massage or do ANYTHING  without it being sexually charged.

If he doesn't get a certain amount of sex within a certain time frame (varies), his behavior radically changes. He gets moody and complains about it, he becomes more physically insistent (i.e. putting his hand down my pants or up my shirt any time we kiss, and that tooootally doesnt cause my ptsd to spike....*sigh*). 

I've suggested opening the relationship, and am I scared that he'll fall more in love with someone who can actually provide for him sexually? Terrified!

But I just can't keep up with it. The harder I try to compromise the more stressed I become and the less I want to be in this relationship. 

Even worse, he doesn't want an open relationship because it makes him uncomfortable, even tho he agrees the increase sex would help him.

And I hate that I feel that way, because aforementioned i love him and don't actually want to be without him. But I can't take the constant need anymore!

 

So I'm hoping someone else here has some experience with this and someone can offer me advice....

How do I make an exclusive  relationship with a hypersexual work without sacrificing my own sanity?

Wow, this is an interesting perspective to read about because I am a sexual with ptsd that makes sex challenging. I think you need to make clear that your asexuality and ptsd are two seperate things. You don't need "fixing".. For either of them. I think he is putting pressure on you, without realizing it. 

He doesn't seem like a bad guy, and especially if he is demi like you think, he is equating sex/sexual attraction as an expression of love. As a (even hyper)sexual person, I wouldn't want my ace partner(or even other sexuals) to feel like they have to have sex. That is a bad feeling for anyone, ESPECIALLY if you have been forced to have sex through violence. 

 

So what to do? Talk about other ways he can express his love in non sexual ways. If you're comfortable with lots of physical contact, there are plenty of non sexual stuff that can be really intimate, even to us sexuals. *Obviously this depends on the person, every ace is different, every sexual is different. Don't misunderstand me hehe. 

 

He will probably never fully understand how you can't experience sexual attraction, similarly, unless he were to experience a traumatic event and to develop ptsd, he may have a hard time understanding even if he is supportive. The key thing is, he should be acceptant of your asexuality. It's not something you need to change, it's who you are. I feel like you know all this already but hopefully with the trauma examples interwoven it can shed some light.

 

The key to every relationship is compromise and communication. Both are skills we usually need experience developing. Sensitively talk about how he can ask questions without being invalidating.

 

On the actual physical front, given both of your (legitimate!) reasons to not want sex, I think you should maybe suggest that for your own comfort, you could initiate things. Especially in the case of trauma, often it is the reminder of that time someone took our automy away, so staying "in control" can make us more comfortable. Works for me anyways! Start simple.. Don't just have sex with him if you don't want to. Maybe ask him if you can watch him do himself lol! Help him out a little with kisses or touches. Something you're comfortable with. Or put on a little show for him. That sort of thing is the closest thing to an in between, without hopefully comprising your comfort. I think a loving hypersexual partner would appreciate efforts like that... Libido can be satisfied through many things... And the desire for intimacy can be solved through non sexual things!

 

 

TLDR;

You don't need fixed. Make it clear that the PTSD could be there forever, and your asexuality is not something to be cured. I don't think he thinks of it as a burden, but the way he talks may make you feel unconsciously like that's the case. I think that by the sounds of things he associates sex with love. However they don't entail each other.. 

 

Good luck! 

 

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2 hours ago, Delusory said:

The title of the thread alone looks like a recipe for disaster.

It is but tbh but these are the cards I'm dealt.

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Update:

 

I sat him down and explained that I need more non-sexual romance.

I apologized for asking more of him as I know that just giving up sex more often than not is a lot to ask of someone, but after some reflection on the matter I realized that I need more than that.

Because having the sex is one thing, but it was really driving up my anxiety from both being asexual and having ptsd, that I felt his constant need for sex and disregard for any other romantic interactions was causing me to feel like all I was good to him for was sex. Well with the ptsd, that was obviously severely anxiety inducing. Being nothing but an object for sex is definitely not something I could handle or be happy with.

So i told him, I need more affection that's more platonic/romantic and NOT sexually charged. More intimacy without sex.

He listened, but I'm not sure it quite sank in.... 

Time will tell.

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bisexual-girl-loves-an-ace

I am proud of you for asserting your own needs and communicating about something can be guilt wrenching! I hope he takes it well! Best of luck.

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2 minutes ago, WhiskeyAce said:

It is but tbh but these are the cards I'm dealt.

If these are the "cards" you're dealt with, it may be time for you to 'fold'...

 

 

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It is hard to see how you can make it work if he lacks comprehension beyond his own hard on.

 

This may sound excessively blunt and pessimistic, but it is going to be very hard for you to keep refusing in the face of a barrage of requests. Reminds me of a case of domestic abuse I'd helped counsel a woman. She suffered marital rape without knowing it. Her husband simply didn't allow her to sleep till they had sex. Every single night. Whether she was tired or not. He never "forced" her. He simply kept saying please and pawing at her "seducing" her till she gave in out of sheer resignation in order to be able to sleep. She was horrified to hear me call it marital rape, because her husband "loved" her, it was the in-laws that were "bad". Fact remained that she didn't want it, but was not allowed to rest unless she engaged in sex. PIV or anal always. Point is, a lot of immature men, actually think this crap is "romantic" - they are "hot" for the partner they are so devoted to, etc. I told her point blank that sleep deprivation is among torture methods used to break hardened criminals. This may not be your story, but I am sharing this as an example of how far entitled oblivion can go. And there is little you as the "object of their love" can do about it, that goes through hard skulls.

 

I would recommend flat out calling a halt on all sex till he is able to control his dick.

 

And yes, I am demisexual AND probably hypersexual when in a relationship and with an ace who doesn't mind offering sex when he is able and masturbating me otherwise when I want it.

 

I will say point blank here that my ace can never "satisfy" me sexually. He isn't even on the same planet, no matter how willingly and lovingly offered, simply because he isn't sexual. He doesn't feel the urge, he doesn't feel the urgency. He is doing it as a caring action, when a sexual person does it as a fairly primitive connection. The energy is completely different and I wouldn't recommend any ace even bother to try to "satisfy" oversexed partners.

 

That said, we do have a "good" sex life (when it works, lol), but that is because I am able to take things at his pace or I am frustrated, but at no point am I pushing him to have sex beyond his capacity. To some extent I understand the constant demands and dissatisfaction - sex simply does not feel the same. There is no mutual energy. But that is the nature of the relationship and throwing a tantrum about pouting body parts is not going to help anyone.

 

If he is able to see that you are ASEXUAL, understands what it means and accept the hit to his sexual ego that you do not ever want it the way he does, it is a good starting point for him to discover what and how much you wouldn't mind. But till then, I'd seriously recommend calling a halt to all sex and flat out refusals to engage when you are not in the mood anyway. If you can't penetrate the fog of lust, I'd recommend being downright hostile if he touches you without your consent. Leave the room, push him back, whatever. If he really loves you, he'd prefer to be stopped rather than distress you. If he doesn't, you're better off if he walks off in a huff. Don't raise expectations you can't fulfill longterm. What is missing is comprehension. Let him find that first. 

 

Then you can negotiate between your zero and his 24/7 to see if there is a livable overlap for both of you.

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Sorry if that came across as too negative. i just meant to point out that an ace can definitely satisfy a sexual partner in our need of intimacy from the sexual act. Perhaps satisfy a partner with a low libido in terms of sexual drive as well, but you are just going to fatigue your mind and body if you're trying to meet a hypersexual on their terms. You will not be able to sustain it long term - as you are seeing already. 

 

Even if you are able to engage in sex every single time they ask for it, the "satisfaction" can still be elusive. I know I have been in a complete puddle after a mind boggling series of orgasms with my ace (not PIV), and have still sat looking at the wall, wondering why it still doesn't fill the hole in me. Finally, I've whipped out my trusted vibrator and had a completely mundane climax before falling asleep, no closer to the answer. Many times.

 

Over the years I have realized it doesn't fill the "hole" in me, because that need is to feel him wanting me as desperately as I do - it is never going to happen. He is ace. I have found some peace recognizing other forms of desire that scream he loves me and wants me in his life, even if it isn't sexual desire.

 

More effort is not going to result in a perfect answer. You will wreck yourself trying and only end up setting even higher expectations that you are nowhere near capable of fulfilling. Don't do it. He is your partner. You deserve his understanding and love. Insist on it.

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BTW, if you're trying to make a go of this relationship (or even otherwise) working on the thyroid and PTSD+anxiety can't hurt. For one, it will show him that you aren't unwilling to try what he believes can help. For another, it actually can help. Trying to deal with a hypersexual can be hard even for sexuals. For an ace, it is a big challenge. Why add a thyroid issue to the mix? Same with PTSD/anxiety. If you can work on it and it can help you not flip out with him more often (you will flip out some of the time anyway), it will still help you cope better.

 

The odds are already stacked against you. You might as well take up all possible options to keep yourself strong and physically/mentally healthy while you try to address them.

 

It will also help him see that you being ace is separate from these issues and while addressing them helps you, it doesn't help his goal on the sexual front anyway - which he is going to have to learn to accept.

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Well of course I'm trying to fix my thyroid and ptsd. They aren't exactly things I enjoy living with.

And, no, im not 'folding' just yet. Like I said, i want it to work with this guy. I love him, I don't want to be without him, and I DEFINITELY do not want to deal with everyone else in my life saying I pushed a great person away because of my ptsd. That in itself has cost me plenty of relationships and other problems that I don't need to deal with again. Let alone how only he and my best friend really know about my sexuality because I know everyone else will just say I'm a prude, or it's a phase, yada yada yada.

I don't think he realizes how much pressure he's putting on me, so I guess that's my fault for wording it entirely from my point of view. But I can't just not compromise and expect him to be ok with it. Compromising doesn't necessarily mean I have to force myself to have sex. Compromising could just be manning up and talking about my feelings, and opening myself up emotionally to make this work.

I'm just frustrated and hoped that someone else had experience with something like this and could help me with what to say and do to communicate my issue like a damn adult who actually is actually willing to try and make a relationship work, and not just be told what everyone tells me.

"Just break up and date another ace!"

A. I only know of 2 aces within a 25 mile radius of me, and I'm one. The other is my best friends little sister. So, ya know, til I find an ace dating site for my area, I'm kinda stuck with the opportunities handed to me.

And you know, just because 2 people have the same sexuality, doesn't mean they're into each other, compatible, each others type, or even happy together.

B. This guy and I have been friends since high school. And have been dating almost 2 years. And that 2 years have been hellacious. There are few people in this world I could have a stronger bond with. I'm not giving up til he does.

C. In that almost 2 years he has never been this needy for sex. I've never seen him be sexual outside of a relationship, so I'm also trying to get to the bottom of his sudden rocket of sex drive, and yeah currently reflecting on the nonexistence of mine. Maybe that is the ptsd, or the thyroid, but I'll never know and the problem will never be fixed if I just run every time a relationship gets hard.

And yeah, maybe we won't work out. Honestly, with my myriad of problems, we probably won't. I wouldn't blame him in the slightest..

But maybe, just maybe we will work it out. And I have to hope and strive for that because the rest of my life is going nowhere because it was doomed from the start.

But I HAVE to TRY. 

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1 hour ago, WhiskeyAce said:

i want it to work with this guy. I love him, I don't want to be without him

Good luck. He must be awesome.

 

1 hour ago, WhiskeyAce said:

I DEFINITELY do not want to deal with everyone else in my life saying I pushed a great person away because of my ptsd. That in itself has cost me plenty of relationships and other problems that I don't need to deal with again. Let alone how only he and my best friend really know about my sexuality because I know everyone else will just say I'm a prude, or it's a phase, yada yada yada.

This is not a set of good reasons to be in a relationship. I understand the exhaustion of having to deal with unfavorable opinions of others, but you really cannot live your life for others. Yes, you have a challenging set of circumstances and you would like to have a relationship. The situation with your challenges is such that you will end up kissing a lot of frogs compared with princes, but don't settle for less than a prince, because of opinions of others, or because he is currently the only person who knows about you. The upshot will be that when you find a prince, he will be really superb. Your challenges will have cut out a lot of undesirable qualities others may compromise for thinking they are minor. So it may be tedious, but it could be very superb eventually.

 

1 hour ago, WhiskeyAce said:

I can't just not compromise and expect him to be ok with it. Compromising doesn't necessarily mean I have to force myself to have sex. Compromising could just be manning up and talking about my feelings, and opening myself up emotionally to make this work.

You will likely have to compromise sexually too, but at the moment, the compromise you are doing is one you can't afford. You need to find a compromise you can sustain.

 

1 hour ago, WhiskeyAce said:

I'm just frustrated and hoped that someone else had experience with something like this and could help me with what to say and do to communicate my issue like a damn adult who actually is actually willing to try and make a relationship work, and not just be told what everyone tells me.

My response to you was as someone who would be happy to have sex several times a day if my ace were game. Easily. I am currently trying to find an additional poly partner. We are currently in a "good when it works" sexual relationship. From that frequency to being masturbated every alternate day or so, is what one could call a "crash" if it were plotted on a graph. And this is without PIV sex, which can be once every week or two. Everyone's mileage may vary. My ace actually seems confident of masturbating me more often than this. We will see. He would definitely run for the hills if we had PIV sex more often. Everyone's mileage will vary in these things and the frequency is more a placeholder than a prescription.

 

The point here is that it is not about you or my ace trying. What I want, in terms of S-E-X is a case of "if wishes were horses, beggars would ride" - it isn't even fair to be sexual with him every time I feel sexual about him, because he'd start feeling like the whole relationship was about sex - as you do - which it isn't. This is not something you or my ace can help. It is up to your partners to understand that you do not operate at that frequency. Even saying NO 6 times a day can feel like a violation when the "no" doesn't appear to "stick" to you, while for us, it is a brand new spontaneous desire for sex each of the six times and we are really respecting each "NO".

 

I hope you see that this cannot be solved by more effort on your part, your partner WILL have to learn to back off. And back off fairly drastically. This is actually harder while you continue to compromise, because we will continue to spontaneously attempt. Calling a halt on sex allows both of you to find the equilibrium and negotiate comfort before action. This does not mean you have to dump him, but you can't really operate under pressure on one end, and in a constant state of desire on the other. Communication will be harder like this. Asserting your needs will be harder, because the "asexual" part of it will feel like a mixed message even if he gets it intellectually.

 

If I were in a constant state of desire and the relationship was being stressed by it, a hard halt would sober me up to allow some important thinking to happen. If my partner said yes some of the time, hope would keep me trying and THUS, not really acting on the knowledge of his asexuality.

 

You doing more does not necessarily mean a sexual compromise or expressing yourself alone. You can take charge of the situation and call for a SOBER discussion.

 

1 hour ago, WhiskeyAce said:

the problem will never be fixed if I just run every time a relationship gets hard.

Running from problems is not a problem unless you do it every time, regardless of your own interest. Otherwise it is just called picking your battles.  What others think is irrelevant. They have their own lives to live and they can go do that. You have bigger problems of your own than worry about their sensitive opinions.

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and I DEFINITELY do not want to deal with everyone else in my life saying I pushed a great person away because of my ptsd. That in itself has cost me plenty of relationships and other problems that I don't need to deal with again. Let alone how only he and my best friend really know about my sexuality because I know everyone else will just say I'm a prude, or it's a phase, yada yada yada.

As the post above me was basically stating, you must keep in mind that relationships are about the two people in the relationship, not about anyone else.

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11 hours ago, Philip027 said:

As the post above me was basically stating, you must keep in mind that relationships are about the two people in the relationship, not about anyone else.

Ok I'm not saying it's about other people. My mother, who we currently live with the to that whole hellacious luck thing, is very emotionally abusive and torments me regularly. She would be back on telling me what a heartless, worthless piece of shit for dumping someone and that depressed me.

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12 hours ago, anamikanon said:

Good luck. He must be awesome.

 

This is not a set of good reasons to be in a relationship. I understand the exhaustion of having to deal with unfavorable opinions of others, but you really cannot live your life for others. Yes, you have a challenging set of circumstances and you would like to have a relationship. The situation with your challenges is such that you will end up kissing a lot of frogs compared with princes, but don't settle for less than a prince, because of opinions of others, or because he is currently the only person who knows about you. The upshot will be that when you find a prince, he will be really superb. Your challenges will have cut out a lot of undesirable qualities others may compromise for thinking they are minor. So it may be tedious, but it could be very superb eventually.

 

You will likely have to compromise sexually too, but at the moment, the compromise you are doing is one you can't afford. You need to find a compromise you can sustain.

 

My response to you was as someone who would be happy to have sex several times a day if my ace were game. Easily. I am currently trying to find an additional poly partner. We are currently in a "good when it works" sexual relationship. From that frequency to being masturbated every alternate day or so, is what one could call a "crash" if it were plotted on a graph. And this is without PIV sex, which can be once every week or two. Everyone's mileage may vary. My ace actually seems confident of masturbating me more often than this. We will see. He would definitely run for the hills if we had PIV sex more often. Everyone's mileage will vary in these things and the frequency is more a placeholder than a prescription.

 

The point here is that it is not about you or my ace trying. What I want, in terms of S-E-X is a case of "if wishes were horses, beggars would ride" - it isn't even fair to be sexual with him every time I feel sexual about him, because he'd start feeling like the whole relationship was about sex - as you do - which it isn't. This is not something you or my ace can help. It is up to your partners to understand that you do not operate at that frequency. Even saying NO 6 times a day can feel like a violation when the "no" doesn't appear to "stick" to you, while for us, it is a brand new spontaneous desire for sex each of the six times and we are really respecting each "NO".

 

I hope you see that this cannot be solved by more effort on your part, your partner WILL have to learn to back off. And back off fairly drastically. This is actually harder while you continue to compromise, because we will continue to spontaneously attempt. Calling a halt on sex allows both of you to find the equilibrium and negotiate comfort before action. This does not mean you have to dump him, but you can't really operate under pressure on one end, and in a constant state of desire on the other. Communication will be harder like this. Asserting your needs will be harder, because the "asexual" part of it will feel like a mixed message even if he gets it intellectually.

 

If I were in a constant state of desire and the relationship was being stressed by it, a hard halt would sober me up to allow some important thinking to happen. If my partner said yes some of the time, hope would keep me trying and THUS, not really acting on the knowledge of his asexuality.

 

You doing more does not necessarily mean a sexual compromise or expressing yourself alone. You can take charge of the situation and call for a SOBER discussion.

 

Running from problems is not a problem unless you do it every time, regardless of your own interest. Otherwise it is just called picking your battles.  What others think is irrelevant. They have their own lives to live and they can go do that. You have bigger problems of your own than worry about their sensitive opinions.

Aforementioned, I have ran from this problem before. And at least I wasn't attached to those guys. But this one I actually like and want him to stick around 

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Ok I'm not saying it's about other people. My mother, who we currently live with the to that whole hellacious luck thing, is very emotionally abusive and torments me regularly. She would be back on telling me what a heartless, worthless piece of shit for dumping someone and that depressed me.

That's basically what I mean though.  The way you're putting it, it sounds like you're allowing what would be the reactions of other people to influence your relationship.

 

If you're gonna hang onto the relationship, it should only be because YOU want it, not because you're afraid of what other people would say.

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Depressed1980

I’m not going to say I read the entire thread, I didn’t. I’m the hyper-sexual in my relationship, and I can tell you the only reason I’m keeping it going is my child. I’m to the point of not even asking for an open relationship (we’ve talked, she’s denied asexuality, but she doesn’t want an open relationship). It’s not fair to deny myself basic needs so I’ll just get it elsewhere. You should have been open from the start and probably fallen in love with another asexual because most sexuals (especially a hyper sexual.... I don’t think he is because i don’t care if I’m in a relationship or not. I want sexual contact daily or get irritated and frustrated.) will eventually ask for the open relationship or cheat. Either way they will leave because everyone wants to be loved by their partner (and yes, sexuals believe part of love is physical). 

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@WhiskeyAce i don't understand how your boyfriend could say being asexual is invalid when clearly to him it is valid and will never be invalid

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2 hours ago, AustinJ said:

@WhiskeyAce i don't understand how your boyfriend could say being asexual is invalid when clearly to him it is valid and will never be invalid

I'm confused at what you mean here. He's never said it's invalid.

 

3 hours ago, Depressed1980 said:

I’m not going to say I read the entire thread, I didn't.

You probably shouldn't respond then. Because if you'd read you'd see I did offer to open the relationship.

 

3 hours ago, Depressed1980 said:

You should have been open from the start and probably fallen in love with another asexual

Again, try reading. I was open from the start. And everything seemed fine.

We had sex once before we got together, he knew I wasn't at that time looking for a relationship so we coined it a "friends with benefits" situation. However, when we did that, I IMMEDIATELY informed him of my asexuality and sec related ptsd. He pursued a relationship anyway, and everything was fine until the past month.

He knows I don't like sex or marriage and yet he's been weirdly obsessed with both as of late....

I guess this was just too complex of an issue to think that people could give advice, or care about. So I'll probably just close down the thread. I'm getting tired of this.

7 hours ago, Philip027 said:

That's basically what I mean though.  The way you're putting it, it sounds like you're allowing what would be the reactions of other people to influence your relationship.

 

If you're gonna hang onto the relationship, it should only be because YOU want it, not because you're afraid of what other people would say.

Clearly you're not understanding. This isn't about people's opinions. Ffs.

If I left him, I would be depressed. I'm usually in a state of mild to moderate depression (woot woot thyroid and ptsd problems), so I know leaving him would hurt me. 

And you think that in that mental state I'd be able to handle someone telling me that I'm a heartless monster who didn't love him enough to put aside my problems so that he could get his dick wet?

Because last time I had this conversation with her, I DIDN'T love the guy and was very  HAPPY to leave him. But her constant berating, lead to me believing I really was a loveless monster and attempted suicide twice.

So you're really not getting that I CAN'T HANDLE THAT AGAIN. 

It's not "Oh, what will my mother THINK!"

It's "oh, how long will it take her to get me on watch again... because this time she's right. I threw away someone I love."

 

And AS I'VE STATED SEVERAL TIMES,

I AM in this relationship because *I* want it. I am struggling to make this work because *I* want to. You think I'd just go through all this bs to maintain appearances?

 

Yeah really, I'm just gonna shut down this thread.

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Because last time I had this conversation with her, I DIDN'T love the guy and was very  HAPPY to leave him. But her constant berating, lead to me believing I really was a loveless monster and attempted suicide twice.

So you're really not getting that I CAN'T HANDLE THAT AGAIN. 

It's not "Oh, what will my mother THINK!"

It's "oh, how long will it take her to get me on watch again... because this time she's right. I threw away someone I love."

Again... the bolded is pretty much exactly what I'm saying.  The bolded clearly shows you're allowing a third party to influence how much effort/energy you're putting into this relationship because you're afraid of the backlash if it fails... basically, you're caring about what she'll think.  So what you're saying comes across as a "no, except yes" scenario to me.  :blink:

 

If your own mother is berating you for once leaving someone who was very clearly not a good match for you, then obviously her opinion is worthless.  Why would you then, knowing that, proceed to let her opinion about another relationship affect you to the point where it makes you question your own judgment?  Depression fucking sucks, I know, I have it too, I know how it can have you buying into overblown negative opinions about yourself that others might have.  But that doesn't change the fact that a relationship is (and should be) held and maintained by the two people in it, not anyone else.  I imagine you're just going to continue to brush this point off, but your relationship is never going to be what I'd call a healthy one so long as your position within it is cemented by people like her.  Sure, it helps that you yourself actually want this relationship too, but sometimes that alone is just not going to be enough to get around major sexual incompatibilities, like what you two seem to have.

 

I personally don't get why a sufferer of PTSD and trauma from sexual assault, while claiming to be trying to overcome it, would devote themselves to making it work with someone who doesn't really seem to respect it at all -- what with the way he keeps trying to "grope" you and push your boundaries.  You're not going to find many positive stories from people in relationships like yours because... surprise, relationships don't usually turn out positively when one person is blatantly, and seemingly unrepentantly, disrespected and disregarded by the other.  That's just universal.  Life is too short to bother with that shit.  Even if it doesn't necessarily go as far as domestic violence or abuse or anything like that.  (Not that anyone really deserves a prize if the best thing they can say about themselves is that they didn't assault their partner.)

 

To me, this all rather comes across like a person having two other people in their life that are really mentally/emotionally damaging and unhealthy for them, but for some reason is striving to keep them in their life anyway.  So yeah, you're right, in a sense -- I'm not understanding, here.  But that's just my interpretation on things... take it or leave it.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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4 hours ago, WhiskeyAce said:

I'm confused at what you mean here. He's never said it's invalid.

 

You probably shouldn't respond then. Because if you'd read you'd see I did offer to open the relationship.

 

Again, try reading. I was open from the start. And everything seemed fine.

We had sex once before we got together, he knew I wasn't at that time looking for a relationship so we coined it a "friends with benefits" situation. However, when we did that, I IMMEDIATELY informed him of my asexuality and sec related ptsd. He pursued a relationship anyway, and everything was fine until the past month.

He knows I don't like sex or marriage and yet he's been weirdly obsessed with both as of late....

I guess this was just too complex of an issue to think that people could give advice, or care about. So I'll probably just close down the thread. I'm getting tired of this.

Clearly you're not understanding. This isn't about people's opinions. Ffs.

If I left him, I would be depressed. I'm usually in a state of mild to moderate depression (woot woot thyroid and ptsd problems), so I know leaving him would hurt me. 

And you think that in that mental state I'd be able to handle someone telling me that I'm a heartless monster who didn't love him enough to put aside my problems so that he could get his dick wet?

Because last time I had this conversation with her, I DIDN'T love the guy and was very  HAPPY to leave him. But her constant berating, lead to me believing I really was a loveless monster and attempted suicide twice.

So you're really not getting that I CAN'T HANDLE THAT AGAIN. 

It's not "Oh, what will my mother THINK!"

It's "oh, how long will it take her to get me on watch again... because this time she's right. I threw away someone I love."

 

And AS I'VE STATED SEVERAL TIMES,

I AM in this relationship because *I* want it. I am struggling to make this work because *I* want to. You think I'd just go through all this bs to maintain appearances?

 

Yeah really, I'm just gonna shut down this thread.

You are right in the sense of not finding useful support here. What you are describing is a fairly out of control situation with anxiety, depression and likely your PTSD thrown in as well. If you are in a fragile state right now and feeling unable to bear the consequences of any choice available to you, you need to work on this one on one with a really good therapist in order to find a way you can move forward feeling secure with yourself - whether with this partner or not is secondary. Also, it might help to involve an emotionally wise person in your day to day life. To spend time with, to confide in, and if necessary, to invite home gracefully with some discrete SOS signal, so you aren't left with him one on one when you are not able to take it.

 

In the meanwhile I would advise reducing the time you spend with him privately as a direct way of at least reducing the time you spend confronted with sexual demands. Socializing more, having friends over and such things can all offer much needed interference.

 

But it is an emergency measure because you are sounding overwhelmed. It won't replace good solid self-work with a competent professional.

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Kay ffs I'm done with this thread. Just everyone leave it alone. I can't figure out how to delete it but I unfollowed it and will no longer read or reply to this bullshit.

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You can't find a way to delete the thread because there isn't one.  Moderators can lock threads by request though.

 

Next time you ask for advice, if you just admit upfront that you're looking for an echo chamber and that you'll only tolerate the advice you like while needlessly berating everyone else who gives the "bullshit" advice you don't like, you'll save people a whole lot of time and effort.

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