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I'm falling in love with my friend who is ace


bisexual-girl-loves-an-ace

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bisexual-girl-loves-an-ace

When I first met him I thought he had the most beautiful face. He is a quiet person but he has an amazing sense of humour. Dry and sarcastic, I find it so hilarious. We've been good friends for months now... A few months ago he told me that he is asexual. I already knew a bit about asexuality so it didn't surprise me. It suddenly made sense why he acts the way he does. 

Thing is, I've started to develop romantic feelings for him. We spent decent amount of time together. And he has been my shoulder to cry on. I've also been by his side when he's been stressed or feeling down. He never shows much emotion.. He is always afraid to be a burden. But he isn't to me. I love being around him. 

We've talked before, and he isn't looking for a relationship because it is too hard to find someone he likes romantically and someone okay with him being asexual. He isn't aromantic.

One time, he asked me if it was okay if we could cuddle. Now we cuddle a lot. His cuddles are the best I've ever experienced. I've never felt safe in someones arms before. He strokes down my spine very gently with two fingers and then traces upwards again. I told him I love him, in a platonic way... But the truth is I just love him.  He knows I'm a very sexual person. Sometimes I feel this chemistry between us... But I can't tell if I'm special to him. I wish I could let him know without jeopardizing our friendship. Sex is something that is a love-hate relationship for me because of some trauma.. And with how I feel I would be more than okay if we never had sex. Even though he mentioned that he would probably have sex occasionally with a future romantic partner. 

I guess what I'm asking is, how should I approach this. Should I just wait and take things slowly... If I was lucky enough to have my feelings reciprocated, what kinds of things could I do to make him feel comfortable?

Ahh, I'm such a mess over this.

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How you approach this depends on certain things. Most importantly, if he doesn't feel the same way, are you going to be ok with being just friends? I ask, because sometimes it can make asexual people feel more comfortable during a confession if they don't feel an excessive amount of pressure to reciprocate or answer right away. It can really make it easier to decide how to feel if you know you aren't going to lose something because you can't force feelings. Sometimes, people need time to sort out their feelings when met with a surprise confession. Have a set time frame in your head of how long you will feel comfortable waiting on an answer. But DONT give them  strict deadline, because that feels like an ultimatum! Just be aware of a point of time when you need to reapproach the topic to reassure them that it's ok to just be friends. This can be even more important when you act as a primary emotional support for your crush.

 

In regards to being comfortable with not having sex, make sure NOT to phrase it as giving something up, even by accident. Some asexual people feel really guilty at the idea of asking someone else to give up sex. He might not, but just be careful with how to phrase it because that can be a bit of a mine field. If he keeps insisting on "helping you out", due to guilt, or because he actually likes the idea or unreciprocated sex(some ace people do), here is an idea of how to approach this: You can always say that in the event that you do crave sex in the future, you can always renegotiate the terms of your relationship, as equal partners. Let him know that you would be honest with him about it does come up. And if you're not worried about that because the ides of being with him makes you happier then sex ever could? Then tell him that!

 

If your feelings ARE returned, make it clear that he can tell you when you overstep a boundary.  Asexual people have different touch tolerances and comfort levels with nudity. Some ace people love to be touched, others only like it a little bit. Some, don't care about nudity, but others need a bare minimum of underwear to feel comfortable. Sometimes they have a easy time telling people these things, but other asexuals really struggle to voice boundary issues due to guilt. This usually fades over time, but not always. You may need to do some body language reading if they have trouble voicing discomfort. 

 

Also, if he feels comfortable enough to cuddle with you, didn't overreact to a confession of platonic love, and has told you his asexual and romantic orientation... then you are in pretty good standing to have your feelings returned. It's not a guarantee, but those are very good signs.

 

Take all of this will a grain of salt, because asexuals are not one size fits all, and I don't know either of you. I hope everything works out for you!

 

 

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bisexual-girl-loves-an-ace

Thank you so much! This is great advice. With how things are now, I'd be happy to stay friends with him and not pursue anything romantic. I just have this overwhelming feeling of wanting to be there for him. He is someone who won't let him burden others, and always wants to take care of other people. Including me. Sometimes when I hold him or hug him, I feel this almost maternal kind of love. Yet at the same time, he is the kind of person with every trait I admire.

I think I will just take things slowly. He would be worth waiting for. Plus I need to just work on myself, not ready to jump into a relationship... I don't want him to feel the pressure that we might lose what we have because he can't reciprocate feelings. He is my best friend. Even if that is all he'll ever be.

Thank you so much for your advice.

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I'm sorry I have no advice except to be as honest and straightforward as you can. But I just wanted to say good luck! From what you've described I think you guys have a real shot at happiness and I'm rooting for you guys! 

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On 12/03/2018 at 11:10 AM, bisexual-girl-loves-an-ace said:

When I first met him I thought he had the most beautiful face. He is a quiet person but he has an amazing sense of humour. Dry and sarcastic, I find it so hilarious. We've been good friends for months now... A few months ago he told me that he is asexual. I already knew a bit about asexuality so it didn't surprise me. It suddenly made sense why he acts the way he does. 

Thing is, I've started to develop romantic feelings for him. We spent decent amount of time together. And he has been my shoulder to cry on. I've also been by his side when he's been stressed or feeling down. He never shows much emotion.. He is always afraid to be a burden. But he isn't to me. I love being around him. 

We've talked before, and he isn't looking for a relationship because it is too hard to find someone he likes romantically and someone okay with him being asexual. He isn't aromantic.

One time, he asked me if it was okay if we could cuddle. Now we cuddle a lot. His cuddles are the best I've ever experienced. I've never felt safe in someones arms before. He strokes down my spine very gently with two fingers and then traces upwards again. I told him I love him, in a platonic way... But the truth is I just love him.  He knows I'm a very sexual person. Sometimes I feel this chemistry between us... But I can't tell if I'm special to him. I wish I could let him know without jeopardizing our friendship. Sex is something that is a love-hate relationship for me because of some trauma.. And with how I feel I would be more than okay if we never had sex. Even though he mentioned that he would probably have sex occasionally with a future romantic partner. 

I guess what I'm asking is, how should I approach this. Should I just wait and take things slowly... If I was lucky enough to have my feelings reciprocated, what kinds of things could I do to make him feel comfortable?

Ahh, I'm such a mess over this.

Where is the problem? Looking like even if you do nothing, that is where you two are headed. He asked you for cuddles. You accepted. It is now a regular thing. You are already in a sort of intimate relationship. Matter of recognizing it and talking formally to actively engage in more things together. It might go better like this, because both of you already have a sense of being ok with where you are. Once you recognize it, you'll be able to talk about more things you can do or not do together.

 

If you are ok with not having sex and he's ace but fine occasionally having sex with an eventual romantic partner, I think it a very workable overlap on the sex front. It is fine to leave the sex discussion till later and focus more on what you would like to share in addition to what you already have. Particularly since it is causing you anxiety when in reality it is not the focus for either of you. Both of you will be able to talk about differences more easily without anxiety or defensiveness if you first have an experience of easy negotiations in areas that do matter to both of you.

 

Other things you may want to discuss is whether the two of you want to be exclusive or present publicly as a "couple" or just very good friends. Where do you see this going - as in serious relationship, let us grow old together or this is fun, let us do more of this and see where it goes. Also whether the two of you are in a position in life to commit to a serious relationship.... these things would be more important than sex, which is a non-issue anyway and mostly a mental bait, because it is a difference on a very "taken for granted" subject about relationships in general, even when not applicable to yours. You two are already intimate and sex is already not on the table. No need to overthink this, IMO.

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bisexual-girl-loves-an-ace

UPDATE:

 

We have talked and redefined our friendship into something more. I am very happy... Got worries of course but.. Hoping for the best.

 

I was lucky enough to get a kiss or two from him 😁

 

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4 hours ago, bisexual-girl-loves-an-ace said:

UPDATE:

 

We have talked and redefined our friendship into something more. I am very happy... Got worries of course but.. Hoping for the best.

 

I was lucky enough to get a kiss or two from him 😁

 

that's great to hear, hope it works out :)

 

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Yaaaaaay! I’m so happy for you!

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binary suns

I'm not the best person to advise because I lack experience. But, as a demiromantic, one of the things I have to be prepared for, is the first time I fall for someone - before I've only fallen for people who we've parted ways. ironic right? I did fall for one friend - and told her - and then her lack of reciprocation was too hurtful for me and I had to break the friendship off. I couldn't handle it. 

 

So I have to at least have some kind of theory or plan to curb the danger of strong romantic feelings - one of those is recognizing that if a partner falls for me and I don't fall for them, that I'm okay with that. Not everyone would be tho! and the other thing I have to be prepared for - is if I fall for someone who doesn't want to be with me. I don't even know the full extent of how those feelings are. But I hope that, knowing in advance to look out for this - I am both prepared to try to have feelings for someone and still be their platonic friend, and also to respect their boundaries and let a friendship fade if my feelings put too much pressure on either of us. 

 

Part of this is aided by the way my sexual attraction is. When it really comes down to it, I feel sexual attraction - but I don't desire to act on it. outside of making out and cuddling, I don't want to be physical - I enjoy appreciating the emotional and physiological experience of my sexual attraction, but am happy without even masturbating or anything. After some time with it I get used to having these feelings - and not acting on them - and it makes me happy. But, this only comes because I actually don't want to act on it, and my acting on it before was harmful to me. So I don't know how it'll be different for feelings that do want action. Surely it will be difficult, and perhaps intrinsically undo-able.

 

But the theory learned from this all is, three strategies to test out and see which works: 

1) can you be in love with them and slowly get accustomed to these feelings while only being their friend? 

2) can you be their friend or do you need to have space for your own health?

3) can you tell them? if so - if they don't mind and still want to be friends - negotiating how much attention you can give them without overwhelming them or baiting yourself into hurt is key. If they don't mind trying dating - then you can express your romance to some extent - and finding the balance of what is okay for both of you is what you'd work on.

4) And... if either of you aren't okay with how things go.. accepting that and moving on is key. 

 

 

But like I said... this is the theory I have right now going forward with my demiromantic greysexual self. If the theory ain't one that works for you... I'm sorry I couldn't be of help :( and good luck either way! 

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