Jump to content

What made you realize...?


Purple_Panda

Recommended Posts

Purple_Panda

Just a general question to make sure I'm not alone/weird. 

 

What made you start questioning and/or realize your gender might be different than you thought?

Link to post
Share on other sites

In hindsight, I think I first noticed that something was different in my early teens (but I ignored it). I had fluctuating moments or days where my level of comfort in my own skin would change, which continued for far longer than expected. Most days I didn't care or even think about it, others I almost hated the thought of being "pretty" or getting into anything that resembled femininity. Other times I would almost embrace it. I never referred to myself as a woman voluntarily (it doesn't feel right), nor did I see myself in gender terms... I still don't.

Because of the way society is and has been for quite a while, I never had the chance back then to really question it, mostly because I barely gave it much thought myself; I was always "just me". To be honest, it was a cursory glance through this Gender Discussion forum a few months ago that really had me thinking back on my experiences. As they say: hindsight is 20-20.

 

For the record: I don't think you're weird, nor are you alone. We all question who we are in our own ways, and that's part of what makes us unique. Being similar to everyone else would be boring in my opinion. Whatever you decide fits, just remember that you're still you. :) 

Link to post
Share on other sites

You know, in retrospect I've been questioning my gender since I was born ("If I'm a tomboy, why do I not actually like sports or other tomboyish things? What if I pull my hoodie up so people think I'm a guy? I think I'm going to write ten different stories where the female protagonist disguises herself as a boy!") but it didn't really hit me that that might be my "problem" until I had a butch professor in college. Up until then I'd been sort of awkwardly trying to shoehorn my way into the butch label, despite not really being all that butch, sort of how younger me had clung so desperately and futilely to the label "tomboy." I hate dresses and makeup and I want to be called sir, so I guess I'm butch? But taking her class made me realize just how wide the range of female presentation is, and how even if I got a buzzcut and wore men's clothes for the rest of my life like her, I wouldn't feel comfortable being a woman. I wasn't a masculine woman, I was a not-feminine person. Seeing other people living out their gender and gender presentation--basically, visibility--was what finally got me to realize that the issues I'd been having all my life weren't with presentation, but with how I felt internally. 

 

So getting to the point of exploring your gender can definitely take a while, and be set off by even the tiniest of things--I think it's like a bunch of different moments and thoughts and experiences building up over the years, until finally there's a straw that breaks the camel's back.

 

And remember to just be who you are, regardless of what labels are out there. Labels are helpful if they're helpful, and if nothing fits, then you don't need to find one.

Link to post
Share on other sites
8 minutes ago, Python said:

Seeing other people living out their gender and gender presentation--basically, visibility--was what finally got me to realize that the issues I'd been having all my life weren't with presentation, but with how I felt internally.

This is why representation in media is important.

Link to post
Share on other sites

One of the first clues I had was starting to hate the sound of my birth name. I also began struggling with mild body dysphoria, and also mental dysphoria in the sense that the me I saw inside my head looked wildly different to the me I saw in the mirror. I've yet to change my name, though I'm hoping to talk to my parents about it soon, but I've started trying to work on the body dysphoria and I now use neutral pronouns.

Link to post
Share on other sites
PixleyDust✨
On 3/11/2018 at 8:12 PM, Shadow007 said:

In hindsight, I think I first noticed that something was different in my early teens (but I ignored it). I had fluctuating moments or days where my level of comfort in my own skin would change, which continued for far longer than expected. Most days I didn't care or even think about it, others I almost hated the thought of being "pretty" or getting into anything that resembled femininity. Other times I would almost embrace it. I never referred to myself as a woman voluntarily (it doesn't feel right), nor did I see myself in gender terms... I still don't.

Because of the way society is and has been for quite a while, I never had the chance back then to really question it, mostly because I barely gave it much thought myself; I was always "just me". To be honest, it was a cursory glance through this Gender Discussion forum a few months ago that really had me thinking back on my experiences. As they say: hindsight is 20-20.

 

For the record: I don't think you're weird, nor are you alone. We all question who we are in our own ways, and that's part of what makes us unique. Being similar to everyone else would be boring in my opinion. Whatever you decide fits, just remember that you're still you. :) 

Oh my god, you’re IN MY HEAD I SWEAR. 💕

 

The only thing I would add to this, in retrospect at least, was that the idea of getting pregnant HORRIFIED me. But since I was a teenager, I just chalked it up to normal embarrassment/emotional immaturity. And I know that a lot of cisgender women don’t have the desire to have children, but for me, it was this weird, subconscious fear that everyone would know I was a woman if I ever did, almost like it would be emasculating. I didn’t really know how to interpret this feeling until much later on, since I didn’t understand how a girl, even if she’s tomboyish, could feel emasculated.

 

Now I know it’s because I’m not just tomboyish. 

 

I’m actually genderfluid, which means I have a masculine side that needs to be nurtured too. 💙

Link to post
Share on other sites
Ms. Carolynne

I don't know, as far as anything specific.

 

It's just something that I started thinking about recently. I feel that "cisgendered male" is incomplete, even restrictive, for how I view myself.

 

Recently I've really been noticing this feminine side in my mind (I guess that might be what got me questioning).

 

Like something latent, that co-exists with my male identity. Like a bi-gendered sort of thing, but maybe the male part is more dominant?

 

I'm not sure how best to describe it.

 

But I have also felt maybe I'm more so agendered (or perhaps demigendered) at times. I've always seen gender as restraining in a way, and have felt it sometimes doesn't strongly apply to me.

 

I'm not really sure, and am still questioning. I used to not think about it too much, so cisgendered used to work.

Link to post
Share on other sites
binary suns

Someone telling me that gender isn’t always feeling a certain way, that sometimes it is instead needing to be a certain way to be oneself. 

 

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
11 hours ago, Pixley said:

The only thing I would add to this, in retrospect at least, was that the idea of getting pregnant HORRIFIED me. But since I was a teenager, I just chalked it up to normal embarrassment/emotional immaturity. And I know that a lot of cisgender women don’t have the desire to have children, but for me, it was this weird, subconscious fear that everyone would know I was a woman if I ever did, almost like it would be emasculating.

I have the same horrifying fear of pregnancy, to the extent that I call it "body horror" (which is actually a phrase I've seen other afab nb people using). The idea of it is so physically repulsive that it makes me squirm just to think about it. When I was a teenager I thought it was because I didn't want kids--so why would I want to be pregnant?--but it's not the child that terrifies me, it's the changes that would happen to my body. Like you said, suddenly people would see me as a woman (like they don't already), and my body would turn into a woman's body that wasn't mine. It's like hypothetical body dysphoria?

Link to post
Share on other sites

@Pixley Yeah, I don't ever see myself wanting to go through the process of childbirth either; I saw my sister's experience three years ago, and it was a little strange to see her so high on medication to simply distract her from all of the pain. And I really hate pain. I'd rather adopt a puppy instead. 

 

I've never experienced a full-on masculine side (although I'm not sure if I'd be able to tell, to be honest), but I do imagine myself as a guy every once in a while, or just feel like I'm wearing my own body as a costume (weird, I know, but the sudden awareness of myself can be a bit unnerving sometimes, and it's the only phrase I can think of to describe it). Maybe that part is a demiguy? I'm not sure...

 

I feel like, outside of my usual neutral mode of being neither/both/not caring, I slide closer to the feminine part of the spectrum without feeling completely female - but I'm not sure if that's just because of how I was raised, or if it really is how I am. Does that make any sense?

 

@Python It sounds like it might be. Just thinking about all the science behind it makes the whole process creepy...

And I can relate with the point you made about presentation and the dissonance between internal and external perceptions. Rather than labeling myself as a tomboy (like some others had), I just called myself a nerd most of the time around other people. :D

 

@G1P0 That makes sense. If the male part is dominant, perhaps the female part is more demigirl? When that side of you surfaces, how closely do you feel to it, is it strong? Maybe comparing your connections that way would help narrow it down. There are so many different label options available to explain things, and I hope that whatever you decide, things will get easier for you later on.

 

Using cisgender pronouns in person is what I've ended up doing since I've figured myself out (and what I assumed of myself before then). With where I am and certain people I know, I'm not sure how they'd react if I asked them to use neutral ones instead (that and, I already automatically answer to the initial pronouns). Kind of makes me wish I'd been given a neutral name from the start, but I'm used to it now (and that's a lot of paperwork to change, which I find a bit daunting)... 

 

@Sergeant_Turtle I hope that the name discussion works out for you. 🤞

 

@Purple panda You're welcome :) 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
Purple_Panda

@Shadow007, I don't think I've ever been full-on male either. I do have what I call "male days" where my gender seems to shift more toward male, but I never fully lose my female gender either. I don't know if that's simply because of fear or not understanding or what, but it's confusing. I just received two bracelets that I bought to subtly let myself and my counselor who I am seeing for my gender issues know what I am feeling that day. Most of the time though, when I do try to ask myself "Male or female?" I never get an answer. So confusing and stressful. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
Purple_Panda

@AustinJ, that's what my counselor says too but it's too big of a term for me to grasp, so I'm trying to find something smaller, but I start looking and get overwhelmed and have to stop looking. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

you got overwhelmed that sucks i'm a trans male (FTM) i hope you find your gender some day 

Link to post
Share on other sites
Purple_Panda

@AustinJ, thank you. I thought I was FTM when I first started questioning my gender. Now I think I just want to be both genders at once (like the Greek god Hermaphroditus), or I did think that. Now I don't know what I want. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

i think you might actually be bi gender tbh i don't mentally understand the word "i don't know" i have autism

Link to post
Share on other sites

and welcome my name is Austin

Link to post
Share on other sites
PixleyDust✨
14 hours ago, Python said:

I have the same horrifying fear of pregnancy, to the extent that I call it "body horror" (which is actually a phrase I've seen other afab nb people using). The idea of it is so physically repulsive that it makes me squirm just to think about it. When I was a teenager I thought it was because I didn't want kids--so why would I want to be pregnant?--but it's not the child that terrifies me, it's the changes that would happen to my body. Like you said, suddenly people would see me as a woman (like they don't already), and my body would turn into a woman's body that wasn't mine. It's like hypothetical body dysphoria?

UGH YES. YOU GET IT. 💖

 

That’s accurate tapping into body horror. Exactly right. 

 

In fact, I didn’t even think of it that way, and that totally explains the feeling of emasculation a little more deeply for me, so thank you. 😊

Link to post
Share on other sites
PixleyDust✨

@Shadow007 Makes sense to me. 

 

And I’m totally on board with the puppy idea.

 

Love it. 💕

Link to post
Share on other sites
InfiniteNull

When I was in early adulthood I came out of the closet as a gay-man. I didn't really pursue relationships but I participated in the community and expressed femininity and found myself being more expressive and open and social and blossom-ee... I started to realize that it was the idea of a feminine expression and identity that was causing me to be myself and be more expressive. One day when looking in the mirror I recognized a few feminine traits to my body and thought "yep... I'm a woman alright"... 

 

Fast-forward a decade and a half later with various in-and-out of the closet/transition statuses... I started to be more and more OK with some of my masculine interests and behaviors... I thought "maybe it's OK to not just be binary trans"... and I started engaging in discussions / community associated with the NB gender movement. 

 

I've been working with a therapist on neurodiverstiy and gender and I think I've started to discover... at my base, in my soul... not so gendered... probably agender on a natural level... all of the gendered things in my life were piled on intentionally, they are things I chose and enjoyed. Beneath those intentionally gendered things, is not really a gender at my core. I prefer to think femininely, but I present masculine-ish and even have some boyish hobbies. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
Janus the Fox

Only ever recently, the more realization of the physical bodied self was a turning point of the gender identity.  The big step was the loss of weight and becoming body conscious after several medical warnings.

Link to post
Share on other sites
LeondreCheney

There are many different ways to know your gender isn't the one you suspected, for example look at your child hood were you ever considered the opposite sex you were, for example he/she or were you ever called tomboy etc. I figured my gender is gender fluid because when I was younger I went through phases of being one gender to another, I fluctuated even if it was after a couple months, days, or weeks. Ask family members how you were when you're as a kid, you might be able to gather information to find out what gender you are maybe. 

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
ElasticPlanet
On 16/03/2018 at 11:48 AM, InfiniteNull said:

all of the gendered things in my life were piled on intentionally, they are things I chose and enjoyed. Beneath those intentionally gendered things, is not really a gender at my core.

I so relate to the 'no gender at the core' thing, if I understood you correctly...

 

I suspect what I call my my 'social gender' may be analogous to your 'core' in some ways. What I'm talking about is my sense of how I need other people to think of me and categorise me. This is the part of my gender that I managed to understand first and most clearly, and that matters most to me. It alone is so important that it's the basis of my identity as agender. I want out of the boy club without being forced to join the girl club. Socially I want to mix freely with members of both those clubs as if there had been no such clubs in the first place.

 

Other parts of all this (body, gender presentation) are such a complicated mess for me. Clothing (for example) was gendered by other people, not by me. I'm so used to decades of resenting that gendering while wanting to be allowed to wear all the different things, and at the same time being aesthetically and romantically attracted to people who were allowed to wear things I wasn't. I've barely got started figuring out the differences (if for me they exist much) between wanting to be like that person and wanting to be in a relationship with them. In the last couple of years I've been trying out some ways of presenting more femme, and have been much happier with how I look, to an extent I could never have predicted... but the 'why' questions aren't getting answered easily...

Link to post
Share on other sites
InfiniteNull
2 hours ago, ElasticPlanet said:

I so relate to the 'no gender at the core' thing, if I understood you correctly...

 

I suspect what I call my my 'social gender' may be analogous to your 'core' in some ways. What I'm talking about is my sense of how I need other people to think of me and categorise me. This is the part of my gender that I managed to understand first and most clearly, and that matters most to me. It alone is so important that it's the basis of my identity as agender. I want out of the boy club without being forced to join the girl club. Socially I want to mix freely with members of both those clubs as if there had been no such clubs in the first place.

 

Other parts of all this (body, gender presentation) are such a complicated mess for me. Clothing (for example) was gendered by other people, not by me. I'm so used to decades of resenting that gendering while wanting to be allowed to wear all the different things, and at the same time being aesthetically and romantically attracted to people who were allowed to wear things I wasn't. I've barely got started figuring out the differences (if for me they exist much) between wanting to be like that person and wanting to be in a relationship with them. In the last couple of years I've been trying out some ways of presenting more femme, and have been much happier with how I look, to an extent I could never have predicted... but the 'why' questions aren't getting answered easily...

 

Close... What I mean by like the gender at the core of my being is more like... if you take away anything that is gendered about me by choice. Things I said "I want to think femininely about this" or "I want to have this male-stereotype hobby" etc... that what is left is kind of a genderless self. It's like if gender wasn't part of my human operating system as a default, but I've installed gendered software along the way by choice but none of them are built into that human-operating-system. None of it is hard-coded. It's just by choice and because I liked the feeling of it. 

 

It would be like if I were to just start having sex tomorrow... I could pretty much choose if I wanted to be with men, women, NB folx, or all of the above. Because sex isn't really a natural interest for me. So I might behave like an androsexual, but at my core I'd still be asexual underneath those choices.

Link to post
Share on other sites
ElasticPlanet
13 hours ago, InfiniteNull said:

if you take away anything that is gendered about me by choice. Things I said "I want to think femininely about this" or "I want to have this male-stereotype hobby" etc... that what is left is kind of a genderless self.

Have you been able to figure out whether you wanted the male stereotype hobby more because of its male stereotype, or because of other things about it? I'm getting a feeling it's more the latter for you, whereas my problem is I can never tell which it is, and I want to know. That's what I meant my not being able to answer the 'why' questions.

Link to post
Share on other sites
InfiniteNull

It's a mix really. I am more likely to choose female stereotyped choices influenced by the stereotype... for example, I think that hello kitty is super cute and I love hello kitty branded stuff because it's girly and cutsey. In contrast I have a thing for cars, but not because it's something boys do but instead because cars are pretty and it's fun to drive like a crazy person sometimes! In the past I have selected masculine stereotyped interests on purpose (like picking a favorite football team) in order to be compliant with maleness during deeper stealth closeted times. More often I just miss the whole point I just find myself interested in something and then notice "wait, there aren't any girls or women doing this... I wonder why"... 

Link to post
Share on other sites
ElasticPlanet

@InfiniteNull: Makes sense. I mean, I don't remember ever deliberately adopting a gendered role just to avoid being hassled for not conforming... but gendered presentation, yep, done that and learned to live with it by forcing it to the back of my mind and pretending it wasn't too much of a problem. My experience of "there aren't any girls or women doing this" usually came with a bit of resentment too. As in: why was there no chance of me ever meeting a potential girlfriend at the model glider club? That made no sense whatsoever to me. Aren't *all* kinds of people interested in that which is interesting?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Interesting enough, I realized I wasn't cis  when I was setting up my profile for AVEN. I started to fill in 'female' but it just didn't feel right. Even though I had never really thought about it, I just knew that it wasn't me. After some time of exploring my gender, I learned that I was nonbinary, specifically demigender. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
On 3/16/2018 at 10:51 AM, Shadow007 said:

 

@Sergeant_Turtle I hope that the name discussion works out for you. 🤞

 

Sure did. :D

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...