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Relief/grief after over a decade of painful answers?


anisotrophic

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anisotrophic

Hi all. I've been lurking and reading some of the posts in AVEN for a couple weeks now. I wanted to say hi, thank everyone here, and - I guess - do a cathartic share.

First, a "thank you": A broad but enormous thank you, to the asexual communities, AVEN forums and this sub-forum in particular, and all the groups that have raised awareness of asexuality. I came to this first (not my spouse), and I found diverse resources. (I started with What To Do If You Think Your Partner Might Be Asexual, moved to the Asexuality Archive, read some AVEN threads, bought and read The Invisible Orientation, and shared it with my spouse.)

(And I suppose the rest is "cathartic share".)

 

Up until recently, I identified as heterosexual and female. (I'm in my late 30s, I have borne two children, and I feel like I've given the gender a decent tour.) As of the start of this year, I'm done with being female. I am AFAB non-binary (agender? genderfluid?) and androphilic to date. I'm pretty happy about it, but I thought therapy might be wise. By the end of the second session, the conversation had turned to a more painful element in my life: my LGBTQIA+-wise therapist asked, "Is [spouse] asexual?"

"I don't know. Maybe," I said. I hadn't done much research. So I did research. (And I hope what I summarize presents a fair summary of asexuality.)

I hadn't understood that someone might experience arousal, and experience sex as physiologically pleasant, but still not experience "sexual attraction". That an ace may engage in sex, and may be "neutral" or even "favorable" to it – just as a heterosexual may choose to engage in homosexual sexual behavior, and vice versa. It was revelatory to see this as an orientation.

And I should confess: it's confusing, distinguishing this from "low libido". I think it was hard to come to, and hard to maintain, in the face of viewpoints that dismiss "aces that have sex" as somehow "not actually ace". But there was a fruitless search for other answers – giving him time, waiting for stresses to end, taking initiative and trying to spark responsive desire. It is painful, to keep searching in vain. Having my partner tentatively agree that he is asexual has come as an enormous relief.

(I also felt anger, which has passed. Why was it me that had to solve this? Why was I given so many other reasons, excuses, and requests for patience over the years? Strung along, hoping for an end to painful rejection? But awareness of asexuality is a recent thing, and growing. My partner has not shied away from learning and understanding it together with me.)

Also I've felt like an idiot. I'd slept with others – I wasn't unadventurous! – I'd had a "friends with benefits" and slept with several men before him, usually separately. How did I end up here?

And did being starved of a responsive partner contribute to my loss of a "female" identity? Or was the absence of female identity something that drew me to him? Maybe my own discomfort in the feminine role found comfort in his lack of sexual interest in feminine performance. (Alas, it was a lack of sexual interest, full stop.)

I think there's a stark truth that's revealed, when my partner can hold me as I cry. I think I grieve for my decade-long hope that he would "rediscover" his sexual attraction to me.

He is romantic, and there is still love, more than ever. And friendship, and loyalty. And there is still sexual intimacy – and I am thankful for it – but it's fitful and confused. I want him to have space. (I had been taking initiative – perhaps in a more "male mode" – am I genderfluid now? I've backed off.) And I have a lot of trouble accepting the sex I wanted. I feel sick and disempowered. I want to be wanted (in a sexual way), and I can never have that.

He has now explicitly opened the door, to allow me to court others. I don't expect to walk through it any time soon. We're busy, we have kids, full time jobs. I might want to take testosterone. And realities are messy (not wanting the burden of being someone else's primary), but the hypothetical of it is nice to have. It makes my future feel less hopeless.

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