What's the one thing that stands out to you before you knew anything about asexuals that made you think you were different?

[Minimintymintea]

For me its thinking back to when I was in school. I always said I was straight because I didn't know about asexuality. I was friends with everyone males and females. I would treat my male friends exactly the same as female friends causing a lot of my male friends to start to want to date me. I was thinking everyone thought the way I did and friends are just friends. I never understood why most of my guy friends eventually wanted to date me when from their perspective I must have looked extremely interested. I always thought once I left highschool I would want to find a boyfriend now that I'm 24 I still don't want a boyfriend but I find myself still doing the same thing. I like these men that I talk to as friends and I like hanging out with them and I assume they just like me as friends and maybe they did at first but eventually I lose good friendships because they want to be with me more than a friend. 

 

Before I knew what it was when people would wonder why I had no boyfriend they would assume that I was lesbian I would eventually say well. I'm just a cloud haha or I'm just nothing.

 

I feel perfectly happy and okay right now with never having a boyfriend but my one worry is that all my friends are getting married and having kids and trying to start a family. Eventually they won't have time for me anymore. Eventually they will be busy with their lives and will kind of be alone.

 

People assume I'm boring or can't joke around once they know this about me or they assume that there is something wrong with me or I'm this way because I'm damaged. Or that one day  right person will come along.

 

I don't even know if this makes any sense.

[NickyTannock]

What stood out to me before I knew about Asexuals, or that I was one, was how interested guys were in female anatomy.

I was regularly hearing comments about how this girl has a nice ass, or that girl has nice boobs, and I didn't understand why.

Likewise, I didn't understand the interest women had in guys or other girls, or the interest some guys had in other guys.

And that made me realise I was different, which was an uncomfortable realisation for me.

[Podsnap]

It was other kids for me also. A friend explained to me when I was so old its almost embarrassing (20) that everyone else is obsessed with all that stuff because it's creating an addictive physical feeling. I was pretty clueless.

 

My friends have all moved on to start families and are busy raising kids or at least have partners or are recently divorced and are reentering the dating scene. I tried a couple of asexual dating sites but no luck.

 

When I was younger people pestered me about my lack of interest in dating and would ask about it or act like they thought it was strange that I spend so much time alone but that seems to have tapered off as people have gotten busy with their own lives and don't have time to worry anymore about what their friends are or aren't doing.

 

I know it's totally weird and abnormal but I actually look forward to getting old. I want to move into an active senior community and just go hang out and be equal and make friends.

[Galactic Turtle]

Before I knew about asexuality I just knew that I thought sex would be the worst thing to ever happen to me in life and raised my eyebrows at the thought of me being in a relationship while at the same time feeling like soggy horse poop constantly being lectured about how I must begin pursuing marriage and get over my hangups about physical contact. Kind of extreme but... discovering AVEN was like getting hit in the face with a submarine of realization.  

[Mafer_Potter]

Well, for me it was quite refreshing discovering there is a name to people like me. I remember when I was a kid that I had no curiosity whatsoever regarding "what grown-ups do). It was a friend who first explained me about sex and I was appalled. Then Hormones came by and I was over surious about sex. I wanted to experiment (and experiment I did) but I didn't find (and still haven't found) what's seems to be so exciting about it. Lerning about (my) asexuality was a relief. 

 

I do fear being lonely, and I do dream with finding someone to share my life with. Even perhaps have children. I wouldn't mind sharing sexual contact with a partner, but I'm certaintly not looking forward to it.

[ben8884]

I was in my 20s when I told a friend that I just didn't want to have sex, but even before then there were signs I never had any interest in learning about sex it always made me either bored or uncomfortable. 

[IceSinger]

For me it was that my parents and sister would always vote to watch some sort of romantic film for family movie night. I didn't know why I was so uncomfortable with those films and felt pretty helpless. I don't know - I found them strangely fascinating but so foreign that I felt ashamed watching them. I would always hide my face in a pillow or overreact in some way. My family started to tease me about that quite a bit and, being totally honest, that still bothers me to this day. I feel so weird about the whole thing and there would be so much to explain that I pretty much just let them get on with thinking I'm a prude, while that actually really isn't the case. On my own, I sometimes do quite enjoy seeing a romantic scene in a movie (absolutely nothing sexual, though!). I don't know.. I feel like I'm hiding how I really feel and am still so awkward around the whole topic that people around me just assume their own stories. Can't blame them to be honest - still too afraid to change it, though.

 

[Yatogami]

1 hour ago, Minimintymintea said:

For me its thinking back to when I was in school. I always said I was straight because I didn't know about asexuality. I was friends with everyone males and females. I would treat my male friends exactly the same as female friends causing a lot of my male friends to start to want to date me. I was thinking everyone thought the way I did and friends are just friends. I never understood why most of my guy friends eventually wanted to date me when from their perspective I must have looked extremely interested. I always thought once I left highschool I would want to find a boyfriend now that I'm 24 I still don't want a boyfriend but I find myself still doing the same thing. I like these men that I talk to as friends and I like hanging out with them and I assume they just like me as friends and maybe they did at first but eventually I lose good friendships because they want to be with me more than a friend. 

 

This was pretty much the same for me. I treated people equally, and that always led to friends falling in love with me. I myself, being one of those people who was starved for love and attention. So I ended up taking many of their offers, and got into relationships that were very awkward and usually ended with us breaking it off mutually. I got accused of being a flirt quite a bit, but never "putting out". So many thought I was gay. 

 

After highschool though, everything just kinda went neutral and I ended up friendless and didn't really mind. I discovered the joys of the internet, and was able to live out my introverted dreams just fine that way since. 

[Zoaea]

I'm 33 and just heard the term a year ago, figured I fit the definition pretty neatly a few weeks ago. 

 

When I was in middle school/ high school all my friends (male or female) would be obsessing over 'cute' persons or crushing. And I just never did. They called me a late bloomer. I just felt it was all so unnecessary and boring. I didn't figure out till last week but I was also mistaking ascetic attraction for lust, so I didn't realize I've never had sexual attraction. To me I could enjoy the lines of someones face, but I didn't obsess so I didn't understand why my friends would keep on obsessing. (Also I too can't stand blatant sexual content in movies Annis, to this day I usually hide my eye even in a protracted kiss scene). My husband teases me but I don't actually mind it being pointed out. My motto was always, no PDA. =P

[Laplace]

The main thing I noticed was I already knew about human reproduction in like elementary school, and I wasn’t excited in the slightest when we were learning about it in middle and high school. Everyone else was riled up, and I was like, “I already know this 😐. If anything, it’s just weird, not exciting.”

[ripley]

I think it was high/secondary school for me, too. 

 

I was surrounded by friends who were always dating, or talking about crushes or what base they'd got to recently or something and I just ... wasn't interested. I felt hugely left out a lot of the time and like there was something wrong with me, but then I eventually found a new friendship group that was a little more accepting and I felt a lot more comfortable around them. Relationships just weren't the main thing we talked about - sure there were those that were dating, but it wasn't the only thing they discussed like my old friendship group. I never felt left out, and we were always having a laugh. I remember one lunchtime we actually had a pretty big discussion on sexualities - since our group was so mixed - and given that I had no idea asexuality was a thing back then I just said I didn't really know what I was - and no one bothered to question that. I think a lot of us were working things out about who we were.

 

I had one or two crushes during that time, but nothing huge. The funny thing is ... most of the other people I knew in school thought a friend in my new friendship group and I were dating, and that we made a cute couple, so people tended to stop pestering me about if I was dating then. We were just really good friends, and neither of us really cared about the gossip enough to say 'well actually...', but I guess it kept the questioning away! 

[Seadra]

for me personally, i had multiple things that i tended to ignore. in relationships, since i use to identify as bisexual, i loved them so much, in a platonic way. before i got into relationships, i formed a close bond with them, and taking those bonds into relationships always ended up messy and horrible. i thought the problem was me, maybe i was horrible at relationships in general, but with close friends i had the compassion, the trust, the commitment, every single thing a relationship should have, but poured into a friendship, and a platonic way. for sexual activities, i was never interested in them. i thought it was normal to not be interested in having sex with anyone, because the "right person" would come. it never truly did. i understand everyone does want to comfort and reassure you, but i can watch sexual things, and feel turned on, without actually experiencing sexual attraction to engage with another person to "get off". it's not forcing yourself to not do sexual activities, it's just not experiencing sexual attraction to others. most people who aren't asexual or aromantic don't understand it, because they don't experience that themselves, the feeling of not it being there. doesn't mean we're broken, we just don't experience it, and there's nothing wrong with that. i personally love the idea of love romantic and sexual, i don't mind watching it, learning more about it or reading it. i don't mind it at all. but i am personally not interested in doing it myself. it took me quite a long time to accept i was aromantic asexual, because what i grew up learning was sexual and romantic attraction, every single where. society protrays that we should experience romantic and sexual attraction, i love the idea of course, because people do, but for me it's rare to not see sexual and romantic attraction every single where. i thought it was normal, it was something you were suppose to and need to feel, but i didn't, and i realized that's okay. these were just my personal experiences, and in all honesty i'm so glad i got to figure this all out and sort it out. i'm very content and happy with who i am now.

[XYZ96]

it wasn't one thing that made me go, aha, I seem to be different, it was more a constant thing that slowly made it more obvious the older I got... So I didn't get crushes, everyone else did. When I was ten, and my friends were having crushes, I just figured it was because they were pretending/exaggerating (I still think they mostly were..), later when I was 16+ I came to the conclusion, either the whole world mad, or am least romantic person I have met (probably was both..), I know asexuals can have crushes, but that was probably the first thing that pointed to maybe I'm not completely in the norm in areas of sexuality.. The second thing, was, I had friends who sometimes looked at pictures of dudes, and would talk about how attractive they are and how this one or that one is more attractive then the other, and I'd be there thinking: that one looks male, that one looks male,that one looks like he uses way to much hair gel...  

So I think it was mostly those two things... 

[Ytterbium]

I have Asperger's, so for me, being different is completely normal, so nothing particular really stands out for me.

[Guest]

Thinking back on it after finding out about asexuality and aromanticism, I realized there were all sorts of hints but somehow I thought I was like everyone else.

 

•  I've always been repulsed by sex jokes but the people around me have never reacted like I do to them
•  I figured someday I would get married and have children because that's what people do, but I didn't really get that that was something people want
•  I thought feeling admiration combined with aesthetic attraction and the fact that I masturbated meant that I wanted to have a relationship and sex
• Once this guy who was negging me asked how I ever expected to get laid after I turned down an invitation to a party from him and I responded that I was waiting until marriage and of course didn't understand that that would be a struggle for someone actually interested in sex
•  I thought everyone else was experiencing what I was experiencing but just exaggerating (though I still think a lot of people make too big of a deal out of it, and I've had sexuals confirm this)

[utca]

One of my high school classmates was complaining that she hadn't gotten laid recently enough. I was shocked to realize people my age (and I was 18 at the time) were having sex. It had literally never crossed my mind. That was the first warning sign I can remember.

[Kelpie]

My interest in fetish-y stuff when I was super young I guess. 

[NickyTannock]

@Kelpie involving cake?

 

Sorry, I couldn't resist.

[DayDreamer~]

Before I had ever heard the term asexual, there were a couple of things:

 

1.) Didn't understand why learning about sex was so 'scandalous' to the other kids, because for me I literally just considered it a biological process for having kids, which I didn't want so I just didn't care.

2.) Was thrown for a loop when I realized that sex wasn't just considered an extra thing in a relationship, it was considered almost unavoidable.

3.) When I told a friend who kept pestering me that I didn't want to have sex and she said 'but then how will you ever get married' and I was completely confused, because I thought relationships and marriage were strictly emotional and worked just fine without sex if neither person wanted kids (relates back to #1).

 

There were a ton of warning signs that I never understood until I found this website, and finally realized I wasn't somehow insane, I was just different.

[Stray_Cat]

Well, I actually really wanted to have (and still want) a boyfriend for cuddles. When I started high school I didn't realize that being in a relationship meant sex. I just wanted someone to hold hands with or just have fun conversations and tease each other. But that wasn't something the other boys wanted.  Once my crush said that a relationship is nothing without sex, I was confused. I always said that I was heterosexual without the sexual and God I was happy when I found the term, Asexual.

When I learned the entire biology process on how a baby is formed, I was disgusted. I mean, I knew about the whole sex thing, but it really just made me uncomfortable while all my female friends were pretty interested in the whole thing. I thought that if you really wanted a baby, then you had sex and when the baby was born, you didn't do it ever again. Boy, I was wrong.

Another warning was the fact that I didn't know what sexual attraction meant. I really tried to understand, but I couldn't wrap my head around it;  why would you feel like that towards someone you don't even know? and welp, now I can say with extreme confidence that I'm ace to the core.

 

[Yatagarasu]

1. I thought my disinterest in sex applies to every person

2. I cringed every time my mother wanted to give me "the talk"

3. Later on, I thought I might be homosexual, because the idea of having sex with the opposite gender seemed foreign to me (didn't really click either though)

4. I didn't even realize that I struggle with romance too, because I was too young to understand romantic attraction (I still don't get it completely, but shh)

5. Speaking of romance, I thought that what we call platonic partnership is what a real relationship looks like

[ripley]

36 minutes ago, Stray_Cat said:

When I learned the entire biology process on how a baby is formed, I was disgusted. I mean, I knew about the whole sex thing, but it really just made me uncomfortable while all my female friends were pretty interested in the whole thing. I thought that if you really wanted a baby, then you had sex and when the baby was born, you didn't do it ever again. Boy, I was wrong.

 

Ah, yeah. That was a big turning point for me too now that I think back on it. The whole idea of going through pregnancy also makes me feel rather blergh too, which I think only added to my discomfort. (Don't get me wrong, I highly respect those that go through pregnancy - and my god those that experience it more than once are tough cookies in my book - and good on them! Kids are absolutely great if you 100% know you want them and can provide for them! But on a personal level for myself it's just something I've always felt a strong sense of 'nope' about). I remember talking to a friend when I was really little and she said something like 'yeah but you get a baby out of it!' and my instant response, even at that age was 'I could always adopt. There's way more kids out there in the world needing good homes'.

 

Guess my being ace has always been there, even when I didn't really know what sexuality was 

 

[Rhaenys]

When I was 5 I never wanted to get married never understand why in a lot of Disney stuff I watched, marriage was the end goal.

[Haze.]

When I had my first crush and my mom had to have a talk with me about making good decisions and waiting until marriage, I was so utterly repulsed by the idea of him being sexually interested in me that I started avoiding him.

[Robin Hood]

This is hauntingly familiar to me. I was both Ace and Aro in high school. I always made such good friends, but it would always end because they wanted more. I couldn't force myself to have sexual or romantic feelings. So, I stopped trying to make friends all together. I didn't understand why people couldn't be happy with just friends. Being just friends was the best!

 

When I went off to college I shifted into being panromantic, but still ace. I still have no idea why I suddenly developed a romantic orientation. At first I felt relived because I thought maybe I would develop the same sexual interest as my peers. Maybe I could even date someone and then I would have an "acceptable" reason to turn people down. A reason better than "I just don't feel that way". A reason that might allow me to keep them as friends past the crush stage. Of course, this didn't actually make anything easier. I still never developed any sexual attraction to people; and that was often a deal breaker for the people I was romantically attracted too. And for the most part I get that! I wouldn't want anyone to have to give up a part of themselves to be with me. It still seems a little strange to me though. Why isn't either friendship or love good enough for so many people? Even when people I have romantic feeling for turn me down, I never have to urge to cut them out of my life or push. I cry into a tub of icecream for a while and then go back to being just friends. Because it's still awesome!

 

Also, can we talk about why this happens at all? Why does me treating people well so often make so many of them develop an interest in me? I'm not flirting or trying to lead anyone on. I treat everyone the same. Is it the same instinct that makes playing hard to get so effective? Or is it that sexual attraction sometimes causes allosexuals to forget to treat the person like a person? If so WHY!? That makes no sense to me. Why would people be rude when they flirt? Who is that even for? Maybe that's what always struck me the most? The poor way people behaved around their crushes?

[Yeast]

When I was 10 I vowed I would never had sex. Thus, I never did. I knew some people never married so if that was OK then not having sex was OK too. I them spent the next 48 years of my life completely unconcerned about the way I chose to live it. I found AVEN and learned I was something called an "asexual". OK. Curiously once I began reading the forums I began to ask questions for the first time in my life. Can I be auto sexual and asexual at the same time? 10 years prior to this I don't think I would have cared because I was still working and enjoyed the company of my coworkers. Now retired I found myself alone. What I think happened was that knowing I had a label meant I was part of a larger community. I no longer had to feel so alone.

[Beaver Boy]

4 minutes ago, Yeast said:

When I was 10 I vowed I would never had sex

hahaha. In my high school, our sex education was abstinence only. Then when I came to college where they actually had decent sex education during freshman orientation, they literally threw condoms at us, and I was freaking out inside.

[Pallid]

When it got to the point that my mom would point guys out and say something like "he's cute!" and give me a look, or "those guys just checked you out" and I had no clue how to respond. I didn't think the guys were cute, and I don't know when people 'check me out' because I'm not looking at them like that myself. She kind of gave up on that, told me it was okay for same sex relations in an offhand comment as if to draw something out of that, but I just shrugged it off. 

 

I always thought that maybe I was disillusioned by Disney princesses though, waiting for my prince charming to come in and I'd fall in love. But yeah...sex was always a biological act meant to produce babies and I don't want to push a baby out.

[Robin Hood]

3 hours ago, Pallid said:

When it got to the point that my mom would point guys out and say something like "he's cute!" and give me a look, or "those guys just checked you out" and I had no clue how to respond. I didn't think the guys were cute, and I don't know when people 'check me out' because I'm not looking at them like that myself. She kind of gave up on that, told me it was okay for same sex relations in an offhand comment as if to draw something out of that, but I just shrugged it off. 

 

I always thought that maybe I was disillusioned by Disney princesses though, waiting for my prince charming to come in and I'd fall in love. But yeah...sex was always a biological act meant to produce babies and I don't want to push a baby out.

Many of us who have somewhat open-minded parents get the "It's ok to be gay" talk. You are not alone. Actually, my mother definitely would have preferred if I was at least into something. It would make her worry less. 

[Fantastic Name]

I remember being eight years old and asking my dad why all the songs I heard were about love and dancing. It's something that still sorta confuses me, even though I know now what they really meant by "love and dancing". I mean, don't people ever get tired of hearing songs about the same stuff over and over and over again? I think that's part of the reason why I hate pop music with a passion. It's all the same to me!