Claire1983 Posted March 11, 2018 Share Posted March 11, 2018 I just started questioning if I could be Ace and strongly leaning toward yes. I'm a ways off from coming out to anyone, but I'm also trying to figure out the best way to explain it to my 65 year old parents who have no fucking clue that asexuality exists. I grew up in a fairly progressive family and I'm sure they'll be supportive, I just know I'm going to get some blank stares when I tell them I'm asexual. We don't really talk about sex so I'd rather not going into a lot of extreme detail if I can avoid it. I need a basic cliff notes version to get my point across. (or three shots of whiskey.) Any tips for coming out to supportive yet uninformed parents? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 11, 2018 Share Posted March 11, 2018 Honestly, I'd suggest showing them a video from Swankivy or one of the other asexual youtubers. They explain things in simple, not overly graphic detail. Link to post Share on other sites
Claire1983 Posted March 11, 2018 Author Share Posted March 11, 2018 4 minutes ago, Serran said: Honestly, I'd suggest showing them a video from Swankivy or one of the other asexual youtubers. They explain things in simple, not overly graphic detail. I'm not familiar with any asexual youtubers but I'll check that out! Thanks for the suggestion Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 11, 2018 Share Posted March 11, 2018 Just now, Claire1983 said: I'm not familiar with any asexual youtubers but I'll check that out! Thanks for the suggestion swankivy's real name is Julie Decker, she wrote a book about asexuality called "The Invisible Orientation", which is also a possibility - it's a simple 101 book for the layman, rather than the more scientific texts like Bogaert or Broto. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Anne Thrope Posted March 11, 2018 Share Posted March 11, 2018 I would start by describing your feelings and experiences, and then tell them that there's a name for people like you: asexual (or whatever label you end up identifying with). By describing yourself first and giving it a name second, it helps people to understand you and listen to you better, as well as making it more likely that they'll accept your term. After giving your label, tell them that there are many more people just like you, and offer them resources if they're like to learn more. As stated above, Julie Sondra Decker's book is an excellent resource (I have a copy). But if course, there are other resources online. Amelia Ace is another YouTuber you can check out. Link to post Share on other sites
Platonic Underdog Posted March 11, 2018 Share Posted March 11, 2018 I don't know how much help I'll be, but I can tell you what happened when I came out, if that helps? 😅 When I came out, my parents (also progressive and very supportive) had no clue what I was talking about. So I just broke it down into segments. It went kind of like this: Me: "Mum, Dad, I'm asexual aromantic" Parents: "..." Parents: "what does that mean?" Me: well, you know how some girls like boys, some like girls and some like both?" Parents: "yes, of course" Me: "well, asexual aromantic means I don't like anyone. I don't experience physical attraction and I don't experience romantic attraction." Parents: "so you don't like anybody in that way?" Me: "Nope" Parents: "you just want friendship" Me: "yeah, I mean of course. I can still care. I care about my family, my friends and my pets. I just don't want a partner in any way, shape or form." Parents: "are you happy this way?" Me: "of course. I want to be alone, I don't want to date or anything like that" Parents: "then that's all that matters" Me: "thank you guys. I just wanted to tell you because you're my parents and I care about and respect you guys." At this point mum and dad told me that I'm their daughter no matter what and that they will support me whatever way I end up swinging (which is what they always told me growing up. Turns out, I don't swing at all 😂). They asked questions, I answered what I could. Their main concern was my happiness. I didn't have any resource to show them, I just found a post on tumblr, went "MY PEOPLE", learnt more about it and came out right away. This was four years ago now. There's more resources now, so you might be able to go down that road if that suits you better. I almost wish I knew about them but I kind of like how I came out. It went great and I was and am still able to make jokes about it ("well, the car's not straight. Eh, neither am I so we can match" 😄) Nowadays I say things like "some people swing one way, some the other and some swing both or all ways. I just don't swing at all." or "I'm basically stuck in my cooties phase perminately" when I do come out. Again, sorry if I wasn't much help. But this is what I did when I came out. Probably helps that I was always hysterically upset when people made jokes about me having a boyfriend or a girlfriend. I would cry hysterically, so it probably answered why I had such a negative reaction to the mere idea of it. They later told me it was like a lightbulb went off in their head ("oh so that explains that negative reaction"). They also knew they were never getting grandchildren from me so I don't think they were too surprised. Best of luck to you. I hope it goes well 😊 Link to post Share on other sites
Gldlynch Posted March 11, 2018 Share Posted March 11, 2018 I'm yet to come out to my parents, but I've somewhat educated them about it. Last year I took my mum to a local LGBTQ+ seminar. It was arranged by a person we mutually knew and I simply said I wanted to go "to support them" however I wanted to mildly introduce the subject to my mum also. Whenever I see articles about queer matters I usually bring up the "oh I came across an interesting article today!" and slowly warm up the topic. I remember one time I asked about an autistic boy my mother used to care for - if he had any stereotypical teenage urges towards romance. She replied no, which is lucky because many people who are handicapped are still capable of experiencing sexual attraction and interaction - this can lead to having a child who they struggle to care for due to their disability, etc. When she said the boy seems very uninterested in anything romantic and sexual, I introduced her to the term "aro" and "ace". Link to post Share on other sites
Beaver Boy Posted March 11, 2018 Share Posted March 11, 2018 1 hour ago, Platonic Underdog said: Nowadays I say things like "some people swing one way, some the other and some swing both or all ways. I just don't swing at all." or "I'm basically stuck in my cooties phase perminately" when I do come out. Speaking of funny ways to explain being ace or aro, I think this is a funny, weirdly accurate in a specific way (yet still grossly inaccurate): Im straight when I’m around the same sex, then I turn gay when I’m around the opposite sex. Then I turn straight again around the same sex. yeah, I know it’s probably not helpful in a practical sense, but it’s funny. Link to post Share on other sites
Claire1983 Posted March 11, 2018 Author Share Posted March 11, 2018 2 hours ago, Miss Anne Thrope said: I would start by describing your feelings and experiences, and then tell them that there's a name for people like you That's actually the scenario I was hoping to avoid. My parents and I don't talk about sex and my mom is a bit of a prude. I think it would be simpler to throw out terms THEN explain how they related to me. If I try it the other way around, they'll be confused, I'll be nervous and the whole thing will just be a disaster. Link to post Share on other sites
Claire1983 Posted March 11, 2018 Author Share Posted March 11, 2018 2 hours ago, Platonic Underdog said: I don't know how much help I'll be, but I can tell you what happened when I came out, if that helps? 😅 When I came out, my parents (also progressive and very supportive) had no clue what I was talking about. So I just broke it down into segments. It went kind of like this: Me: "Mum, Dad, I'm asexual aromantic" Parents: "..." Parents: "what does that mean?" Me: well, you know how some girls like boys, some like girls and some like both?" Parents: "yes, of course" Me: "well, asexual aromantic means I don't like anyone. I don't experience physical attraction and I don't experience romantic attraction." Parents: "so you don't like anybody in that way?" Me: "Nope" Parents: "you just want friendship" Me: "yeah, I mean of course. I can still care. I care about my family, my friends and my pets. I just don't want a partner in any way, shape or form." Parents: "are you happy this way?" Me: "of course. I want to be alone, I don't want to date or anything like that" Parents: "then that's all that matters" Me: "thank you guys. I just wanted to tell you because you're my parents and I care about and respect you guys." That's actually about how I imagine this going. Link to post Share on other sites
DJS05 Posted March 11, 2018 Share Posted March 11, 2018 Not a chance in hell I will ever tell my folks. Heard all the church sermons before about the bible and marriage. So much so that it would go smoother if I said something like, "hey, I'm joining the Mafia because they don't pay taxes..." and they would just roll their eyes at that. Tell 'me I am an ace and explain what that means and they would likely have a heart attack. Link to post Share on other sites
Claire1983 Posted March 11, 2018 Author Share Posted March 11, 2018 @DJS05 Yikes! I'm lucky that my parents went to one of the few open minded churches in town growing up so I'm sure they wouldn't have any problem with me not being straight, The most likely reaction is "well that explains a lot." Link to post Share on other sites
DJS05 Posted March 11, 2018 Share Posted March 11, 2018 My brother would probably be like "ok bro, whatever". But my mom would die. Her brother, my uncle, had 4 kids (3 boys, 1 girl). The oldest boy came out as gay and the girl (the youngest of the kids) came out as lesbian. He threw them both out of their house, took the car keys from them, cut them out of his will, and refused to speak to them or even say their names for rest of his life (like 20 some odd years). Link to post Share on other sites
Beaver Boy Posted March 11, 2018 Share Posted March 11, 2018 5 minutes ago, DJS05 said: My brother would probably be like "ok bro, whatever". But my mom would die. Her brother, my uncle, had 4 kids (3 boys, 1 girl). The oldest boy came out as gay and the girl (the youngest of the kids) came out as lesbian. He threw them both out of their house, took the car keys from them, cut them out of his will, and refused to speak to them or even say their names for rest of his life (like 20 some odd years). Whoa, that's egregious. Don't tell your parents, but feel free to say anything or ask anything to us AVENites! Link to post Share on other sites
DJS05 Posted March 11, 2018 Share Posted March 11, 2018 4 minutes ago, Beaver Boy said: Whoa, that's egregious. Don't tell your parents, but feel free to say anything or ask anything to us AVENites! Thanks. Yeah, I thought that was really shitty, too. He didn't speak to two of his own kids, and me and my brother didn't speak to him after that. Link to post Share on other sites
banana monkey Posted March 11, 2018 Share Posted March 11, 2018 May I ask why you feel the need to tell your parents? I am now openly out to most people but I have never specifically told my parents. (I'm pretty sure my dad guesses though from comments he made - though he may not know the name.) I like you dont talk to my parents about sex. There is kinda an understanding that it might happen at our age if in a relationship but not really mentioned past that. I personally dont feel the need or want to tell my parents. I will tell others if it comes up in conversation (which as above, tit doesnt with my parents!) If we know why you want to tell them it may help us advise. Link to post Share on other sites
Claire1983 Posted March 11, 2018 Author Share Posted March 11, 2018 7 minutes ago, banana monkey said: May I ask why you feel the need to tell your parents? I am now openly out to most people but I have never specifically told my parents. (I'm pretty sure my dad guesses though from comments he made - though he may not know the name.) I like you dont talk to my parents about sex. There is kinda an understanding that it might happen at our age if in a relationship but not really mentioned past that. I personally dont feel the need or want to tell my parents. I will tell others if it comes up in conversation (which as above, tit doesnt with my parents!) If we know why you want to tell them it may help us advise. Well for one I'm terrible at keeping secrets and I have absolutely no poker face. I just feel like they should know. it's kind of a big thing and I'd feel guilty about keeping it from them. I don't have to worry about them disowning me or anything so I don't really see a reason not to be honest with them. It's really more of an issue of how to tell them without dying of embarrassment. If I were a lesbian, they know what that is, and I could just say that and we move on. With this, I'll have to explain it because I'm pretty sure they've never heard of it, and I'm looking for the simplest quickest cleanest way to make them understand so we don't have to delved into too much detail of what I haven't or haven't done. Also I have mental health issues which they are aware of and I previously believed that those were responsible for my lack of success in relationships. Now I feel it might be more related to this and I'm kind of happy to be able to tell them that I'm not as messed up as I originally thought. Link to post Share on other sites
banana monkey Posted March 11, 2018 Share Posted March 11, 2018 @Claire1983 ok, I kinda understand a bit more. I dont really see it as being dishonest because it never comes up in conversation. If my parents were to specifically ask me "Are you asexual" or "Do you like girls?/are you a lesbian" "Do you ...." (insert name of sensual act) "why are you not in a relationship" I wouldnt lie or be dishonest. I totally would explain. I dont think that will every happen though, and I dont feel the need to specifically bring it up, Its not a secret and I'm not keeping one, its just they never asked. If they did, ok fine but then I suppose I dont really see it as a big thing and think they dont really need to know about my sex life, but if they ask fine. unless it comes up in conversation I get shy and it gets difficult. If it comes up though, I'm totally fine coming out. I understand about letting them know it may not apply to MH issues though. Guess that may give you more of a reason for doing it. Like I say, I dont come out unless it comes up in conversation, (like when me and a colleague were talking about wanting/not wanting kids the other day) but have come out to a few people. I tend to explain, I am ace. Then ask them if they know what that is or if they want me to explain. If they need me to, I just explain in relation to other orientations something along the lines of above. "So you know about heterosexual and Homosexual right" "Yes" so Heterosexual means being sexually attracted to different gender, homosexual same gender and asexual no sexual attraction at all. That pretty much covers it and is accepted. Nice simple explanation. Very rarely do I get more questions but these come with the always proviso of tell me if this is too personal, in which case I do, but usually I dont mind answering as far as I am comfortable as they dont specifically ask about my sex life and what I do/do not do. Most people know you dont discuss that with others. I know I wouldnt get those kinda questions from my parents any how. Its very uncomfortable for either of us to discuss sex in any regard. They also respect that I am an adult have my own life and that sort of stuff is private to almost everyone. I think that is more of the reason why they never ask me. Link to post Share on other sites
Sweet Potato Posted March 11, 2018 Share Posted March 11, 2018 Not sure if I will ever tell my parents. My dad would be fine with it, my mom... she is ultra conservative and homophobic. The best I could do its sugar coat it as "Im straight, I just dont want sex, like ever" though being asexual and straight at the same time is oxymoronic. Link to post Share on other sites
Masterman Posted March 18, 2018 Share Posted March 18, 2018 On 3/11/2018 at 8:52 PM, Sweet Potato said: though being asexual and straight at the same time is oxymoronic. I'm not sure if I necessarily agree with that. I identify as both. I'm 100% asexual, but I'm also attracted by the opposite gender, and thus I'm hetero (I dislike the term "straight" since it implies int's the only right way to go). Of course, I can't say I'm heterosexual, but heteroasexual feels quit right for me. So I think I could say I'm "straight". After all, is sex the only valid way to be attracted to someone? Link to post Share on other sites
Rosendust Posted March 18, 2018 Share Posted March 18, 2018 This was my own personal experience, so yours may vary. I told my mom(her reaction): "You'll find someone, soon" "You just haven't found the right person yet, et al." But my Dad on the other hand, he's been super supportive & definitely has become an ally of sorts! And with him, There's no pressure to want a relationship right now, because most people in my area wouldn't even understand what asexuality/Demisexuality, et al, would even mean. I have absolutely no plans to come out to my extended family, because I couldn't imagine what derogatory things they'd say. It's harsh enough to hear what they say about my cousin, who is gay. Sorry if I derailed your thread @Claire1983, but some things need to be said. (PS-my parents are around the same age range, only a couple years apart from each other so I understand your trepidation to say anything). And that's also why I haven't told them about my romantic orientation, yet as well. Regards, Rosendust Link to post Share on other sites
Claire1983 Posted March 18, 2018 Author Share Posted March 18, 2018 @Rosendust I’m not so much worried about a bad reaction as I am an awkward sex conversation with my mom. I honestly don’t think they’ll react badly, but I’m sure they’ve never heard of it so I’m looking for the simplest explanation Link to post Share on other sites
Rosendust Posted March 18, 2018 Share Posted March 18, 2018 7 minutes ago, Claire1983 said: @Rosendust I’m not so much worried about a bad reaction as I am an awkward sex conversation with my mom. I honestly don’t think they’ll react badly, but I’m sure they’ve never heard of it so I’m looking for the simplest explanation Ah, I understand! Can I pm you about something? @Claire1983 Regards, Rosendust Link to post Share on other sites
Claire1983 Posted March 18, 2018 Author Share Posted March 18, 2018 18 minutes ago, Rosendust said: Ah, I understand! Can I pm you about something? @Claire1983 Regards, Rosendust Sure Link to post Share on other sites
arden_jay Posted March 23, 2018 Share Posted March 23, 2018 I did a lot of research before I talked to my parents about it. The doughnut metaphor was useful in talking to my dad. Link to post Share on other sites
Claire1983 Posted March 23, 2018 Author Share Posted March 23, 2018 1 minute ago, arden_jay said: I did a lot of research before I talked to my parents about it. The doughnut metaphor was useful in talking to my dad. The doughnut one is probably useful for my family. I was also considering making up my own with wine. Link to post Share on other sites
arden_jay Posted March 23, 2018 Share Posted March 23, 2018 Really it's whatever food you think is appropriate at the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Claire1983 Posted March 23, 2018 Author Share Posted March 23, 2018 Just now, arden_jay said: Really it's whatever food you think is appropriate at the time. Food is the universal language. I may bake a cake for the occasion. Link to post Share on other sites
arden_jay Posted March 23, 2018 Share Posted March 23, 2018 That's actually brilliant. Make it ace flag colours, maybe? Link to post Share on other sites
Claire1983 Posted March 23, 2018 Author Share Posted March 23, 2018 1 minute ago, arden_jay said: That's actually brilliant. Make it ace flag colours, maybe? Perhaps! Although I'll have to substitute chocolate for black. Black icing is gross and no one will want to eat it. Link to post Share on other sites
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