What is the point of saying you’re Asexual?

[fuzzipueo]

On 3/10/2018 at 6:22 PM, Winter McCoy said:

On 3/10/2018 at 5:41 PM, Homer said:

That's the point right there. An asexual person will not have those needs. They might say "I'm asexual but I might choose to have sex with you to please you or to do you a favour or whatever", but they couldn't give less of a shit if they never had sex again. That doesn't rule out that they'll like it once it happens, but it won't stress them at all, ever, if it doesn't happen.

Thank you! Thank you all! God this is so comforting! I joined a Facebook group a week ago and all I’ve had are people going “No Asexual means you don’t feel sexual ATTRACTION! I can like sex itself!” Which was confusing to me, upsetting and made me feel even more freakish and isolated. And then when I said “But I thought Asexuals DONT have a desire for sex” I got internet lynched and told I was excluding people from the community and was offensive. 

Yes, I've seen that nonsense too and find it very annoying.

[ben8884]

I am 33 and have had never sex nor do I have any interest in having sex. Now, do I experience arousal? Yep. Would I like the physical sensation of ejaculation due to sex? Maybe. Does the thought of any kind of sex with a woman terrify and kinda nauseate me? For sure. Make of me what you will, but I call myself asexual. I am trying to be more open about it to create awareness.

[babygyrl09]

On 3/11/2018 at 11:24 AM, MichaelTannock said:

@Winter McCoy

Here's a wild question for you to think about: Is the lack of a sexual orientation a sexual orientation?

Is black/white a color? Is lack of a color a distinct color in and of itself?

[Guest Jetsun Milarepa]

If I'd had this word to describe myself some decades ago, I'd have been able to fend of a load of nonsense. I say 'use it or lose it!'.

[anamikanon]

My ace identifies as ace because he can have and even enjoy sex, but it is relatively rare and it has nothing to do with feeling a connection with his partner. More like masturbating with a partner for the pleasurable sensations instead of porn or erotica. Also, like porn and erotica, he can initiate sex when he wants it, but the porn/erotica/partner can't jump out of whatever sexual compartment and make him want it if he isn't in the mood.

 

For me, as a sexual, a sexual trigger is very likely to make me want sex, even if I wasn't thinking of it a minute ago. He can have sex with me, and I can give him a fantastic climax, but that doesn't mean he'll be in a hurry to repeat the experience. He can be completely oblivious to sex, when not horny for reasons of his own. At the same time, he can very lovingly attend to my sexual needs (without wanting sex for himself)

 

That said, several here have questioned that he is ace. So he may or may not be. He may be gray sexual or something. I found this label "paciosexual" which sounds like him.

 

*shrug* who knows. I call him ace, because that is what he calls himself. 

[mindlife]

On ‎3‎/‎10‎/‎2018 at 6:27 PM, Winter McCoy said:

Ok so I admit I am new to this and I don’t mean to offend at all, I’m just confused. If you like sex and have sex frequently, then what is the point of even telling people you are asexual? To me it seems either pointless or a good way to start a fight, e.g “I’m asexual so I’m not sexuality attracted to you, but I’ll have sex with you because I have needs.” And if you’re romantic and in a romantic relationship, and like sex with your partner, then why bother? 

I am

1. Romantic

2. In a romantic relationship, and

3. yet I'm asexual because I'd really rather not have sex.

I have no sexual attraction and meaningful intimacy is not sexual for me.

Is that asexual? I think so.

Romanticism is not sexual.

And I'm sure there are plenty of sexuals who have no romantic inclinations at all.

 

 

[Mx. Who]

On 3/10/2018 at 7:07 PM, dentedcanoe said:

Depends on the crowd.  Sometimes I mention it in the hopes that people won't prattle on about their sex lives to me or ask about mine.  

I don't have one and I will probably never have one. Just like my social life.

[Mx. Who]

On 3/11/2018 at 8:33 AM, Serran said:

There is something called asexual elitism, which is frowned upon on AVEN. Calling people "true" asexuals tends to be considered elitism. This comes from the fact a lot of people consider only "gold star" asexuals "true" asexuals (celibate, virginal, never been abused, etc). And suggesting others are not "true" asexuals can be invalidation, which is against ToS. 

BULL

I CALL BS

[dentedcanoe]

4 hours ago, imahappynothing said:

I don't have one and I will probably never have one. Just like my social life.

you can have whatever you want

[Orianaro]

Okay I see the asexual label normally as "I don't get sexually attracted" as in you don't look at people and think "I want to have sex with that person." Not to say you couldn't still have a high libido/sex drive, and so maybe you've found a way to enjoy sex anyways. Most asexuals seems to both not be attracted and also not have a desire for sex. In fact I've never really seen an asexual who has had a desire for sex because that sounds like its encroaching on sexual territory, but enjoying sex for the literal physical pleasure can still happen sometimes. A lot of asexuals who still have a sort of sex drive will be perfectly content just masturbating, because thinking of another person they know will actively turn them off but their body is still getting urges. So I see it as there are some asexuals who hate the idea of sex and will refuse to participate at all, asexuals who will do it to please or keep a relationship together or because they felt coerced, asexuals who let sex happen and then like it anyways because it physically pleases them (orgasm, etc) - and this is the sort that confuses you why they would say they're asexual anyways. They'll still act differently, because while they're having sex, they don't normally really care that its this specific person giving them sex (beyond "I care that it's my partner", otherwise its getting into sexual attraction) and so that often affects the partner because they will often be kind of indifferent to them specifically, or almost a lackluster reaction on par with "that was a wonderful cake, but I don't really care that you made it." The partner isn't feeling sexually desired or sought out, so that can seriously hurt their ego that they're not actually getting reciprocation, they just seem to be along for the ride. They could also be offended that they don't see it as being as important to their relationship as the sexual person does (its like the same behaviour as when a girl says she's fine, and gets offended that you don't already know what's wrong.) The difference in priorities has thrown the sexual person off, so for some people, that's important to clear the air beforehand that "I'm going to enjoy this, but if it doesn't happen, I don't prioritize this like you do." Its like your partner being absolutely obsessed with music and their whole life revolves around it and you just kinda pat them on the back and say "that's nice, dear" as supposed to "you have wonderful passion and feel free to share it with me, but please understand that I won't ever appreciate this as much you do and it is only important to me because it is important to you, and no more."

 

So yes, some people are a little annoying and even when they're maybe grey or demi sexual with the one person they'll still call themselves asexual. For actual asexuals, I think that difference of priorities is still an important change to acknowledge, because there are definitely relationships and people that will feel affronted and put off that they aren't liked in the same way and to the same degree. But to people who are more demi or grey, maybe they like the label better, maybe it's easier to explain, maybe they've never really considered changing or omitting it as unimportant. Our identities, particularly sexual and romantic identities, can become very close to us and important even when it doesn't seem immediately relevant. If they want to share, then it probably means it's important to them.

 

And if they think saying they're asexual if flaunting something, then let them flaunt it because its only a drop in the bottom of the bucket to overcompensate how much people value being asexual. If they think its a badge of honour even if its not relevant, then cool, I'm kinda honoured that they value it so much. I think asexual people are pretty cool too  

[wavewall]

I wonder if some people say they have a desire for sex when what they really mean is that they desire (1) sexual release, (2) physical closeness with someone they're romantically interested in, and (3) to make their partner happy. That's not the same sort of "desire for sex" that a non-asexual would have--the sort that stems from sexual desire for someone.

[Telecaster68]

1 minute ago, wonk said:

I wonder if some people say they have a desire for sex when what they really mean is that they desire (1) sexual release, (2) physical closeness with someone they're romantically interested in, and (3) to make their partner happy. That's not the same sort of "desire for sex" that a non-asexual would have--the sort that stems from sexual desire for someone.

 

 

I'm a non asexual and I'd describe the reasons I want to have sex pretty much exactly those terms. The sexual desire is for the partner, and person I'm romantically interested in, as you include in your reasons.

[binary suns]

3 hours ago, wonk said:

I wonder if some people say they have a desire for sex when what they really mean is that they desire (1) sexual release, (2) physical closeness with someone they're romantically interested in, and (3) to make their partner happy. That's not the same sort of "desire for sex" that a non-asexual would have--the sort that stems from sexual desire for someone.

 

 

Sort of. This is why it’s important to see words as subjective. Any sexual would probably be happy to say all three of those statements and they’d be referring to their sexuality. 

 

But those three statements could be stated by an asexual romantic as well. They would simply have a little different of context. Especially the one “to make their partner happy” would have the most difference of meaning imo. 

[wavewall]

1 hour ago, float on said:

Sort of. This is why it’s important to see words as subjective. Any sexual would probably be happy to say all three of those statements and they’d be referring to their sexuality. 

 

But those three statements could be stated by an asexual romantic as well. They would simply have a little different of context. Especially the one “to make their partner happy” would have the most difference of meaning imo. 

I view meaning as depending in part on context, which I'm guessing is a variation of what you mean, but I also assumed (perhaps erroneously) that people here would know what I intended above.

 

I'll admit that why I'm a bit concerned about this thread; I can imagine lots of possible reasons some people might like sex. Not all of them have to do with sexual attraction, and I am one of those people who view sexual orientations, including asexuality, as being defined on the basis of sexual attraction rather than behavior.

[Telecaster68]

There are situations where behaviour - enjoying sex physically, valuing the physical closeness, and wanting to pleasure your partner, enjoying their pleasure - are pretty much indistinguishable from anything a sexual person would describe as sexual attraction though. Which leaves 'attraction' as apparently some mysterious thing asexuals don't understand but saying they don't have. And that doesn't sound terribly credible. 

[binary suns]

Yeah I really like to advise people to be careful when it gets close. There can be some aces who can be fine with sex and even enjoy it.... but chances are you aren’t ace before we even get there, and when we do get to the point of enjoying sex... chances are that’s attraction.  

 

Really if in doubt just go grey imo. It’s no big deal really. You’re still you. 

 

Like only 1% of humans are ace. I bet only 1% of them enjoy sex enough to initiate ...  and really you gotta appreciate Occum’s Razor. 

 

[binary suns]

Erg, the catch is that if a person’s body responds to touch, any physical stimulation can generate some pleasure. Anyone with common sense can then go, “oh that felt good. Let’s do it again”

[Galactic Turtle]

There are many posts I've seen on aven/ace groups that have confused me. I'll highlight three of them.

 

1. This girl loves sex. Would have it three times a day with her boyfriend if he could keep up. But she said she wasn't attracted to him, he just happened to be there and that if they broke up she'd find someone else to have sex with but said if she had to never have sex again she could. I really didn't get the point of her adopting the ace label solely on the basis that never having sex again wouldn't kill her.

 

2. Girl has a boyfriend. She likes to have sex with him to gain emotional closeness but tells him one day she's ace/not attracted to him. After that he stops initiating sex due to lack of confidence and she's confused why. She wanted him to know about her identity while at the same time wanted him to have sex with her because without the sex she felt rejected. In this case I also thought "what's the point?"

 

3. Recently I saw a group made for aces who like having sex because in the main group they were upset posts were made that implies that ace people, if given a choice generally speaking, would not have sex. I'm assuming in the group they talk about how great sex is. But again, what's the point?

 

I think a lot of this stems from people using ace when they mean gray or just not understanding how sexual people feel. I even saw one person say "you can be ace but still experience sexual attraction!" Ok then, what's the point???

 

People will do what they want. Doesn't mean I won't find it confusing. *shrugs*

 

[wavewall]

36 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

There are situations where behaviour - enjoying sex physically, valuing the physical closeness, and wanting to pleasure your partner, enjoying their pleasure - are pretty much indistinguishable from anything a sexual person would describe as sexual attraction though. Which leaves 'attraction' as apparently some mysterious thing asexuals don't understand but saying they don't have. And that doesn't sound terribly credible. 

Desires aren't behavior, though. And I think behavior is a poor way of determining a sexual orientation because there are so many possible motivations for individual behaviors.

 

I'd also like to note that wanting to make your partner happy is very different from wanting to [sexually] pleasure them. Someone could potentially be willing to pleasure a partner sexually because of a desire to make them happy. Likewise, enjoying having an orgasm is also different from enjoying all of sex, physically.  That's part of the distinction I was trying to make in my first post here.

[Telecaster68]

The difference sounds pretty academic to me. 

[Alejandrogynous]

7 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

The difference sounds pretty academic to me. 

Shhhh, you'll summon you-know-who.

[Guest Jetsun Milarepa]

Could it be that they don't have the attraction precisely because they don't understand it?

[Guest]

On 3/11/2018 at 1:27 PM, Winter McCoy said:

Ok so I admit I am new to this and I don’t mean to offend at all, I’m just confused. If you like sex and have sex frequently, then what is the point of even telling people you are asexual? To me it seems either pointless or a good way to start a fight, e.g “I’m asexual so I’m not sexuality attracted to you, but I’ll have sex with you because I have needs.” And if you’re romantic and in a romantic relationship, and like sex with your partner, then why bother? 

I haven't read anything else in this thread, I'm doing my grocery shopping online but saw it pop up so have to say: Yeah if someone is like that then there's no point in them identifying as asexual. I mean, they're no different than anyone else who may not get 'aroused' just from seeing their partner, but can still desire and enjoy sexual intimacy with them. I certainly don't get all wet between the legs from seeing someone attractive, but I do desire some sexually intimate acts for pleasure which is why I stopped identifying as asexual  - the moment I realized I could want and enjoy some aspects of sex was when I realized I'm not asexual. Generally the point of identifying as asexual is to make it clear that you're not interested in sexual intimacy, so you're identifying the issue before you get into a relationship (if you were lucky enough to realize beforehand), and the other person can decide if they still want to go forward into a relationship with someone who won't want sex with them (even if the ace is willing to compromise, that's still not the same as them actively wanting sex with you for their own pleasure). If you're just like everyone else sexually and enjoy frequent sex etc, then... I see no need for special labels.

[Telecaster68]

No, that's petty academic. 

[Lord Jade Cross]

If its irl, I dont mention Im an ace. Better to make up some predictiable story like the thousands you hear about failed relationsips so that people dont hound me for never being seen with anyone or talking about anyone.

 

In here, its mostly just a label. It does explain or at least help explain so you dont have to sit and say the same thing again over and over. 

 

[Guest]

On 3/17/2018 at 5:11 AM, mindlife said:

I am

1. Romantic

2. In a romantic relationship, and

3. yet I'm asexual because I'd really rather not have sex.

I have no sexual attraction and meaningful intimacy is not sexual for me.

Is that asexual? I think so.

Romanticism is not sexual.

And I'm sure there are plenty of sexuals who have no romantic inclinations at all.

 

 

The question wasn't about whether or not you're romantic though, the question was if you're in a relationship and ''If you like sex and have sex frequently'' which is very different than just having sex with your romantic partner because you know THEY like it (but if they stopped wanting it, you wouldn't be unhappy or anything, you'd actually be happy about the sudden lack of sex!). A lot of people who responded to this thread seem to have missed the 'like having sex frequently' part of the question

[wavewall]

3 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

The difference sounds pretty academic to me. 

Which difference? Because I live both, and they're more than theoretical to me.

I personally enjoy having orgasms and yet have absolutely 0 desire for sex with another person and have never felt sexually attracted to anyone. I'm also not interested in touching someone else's sexual organs, nor am I interested in having my own be touched.  My relationships have all been sexless for that reason despite my masturbating throughout each of them.

 

Further, I will never actually want to be involved in anyone else's sexual pleasure, but if I ever am, it will purely be because I need to do so in order to keep someone I love happy.

[Guest Jetsun Milarepa]

Yays for @OptimisticPessimist! I'm right with you on respecting people's identity. Coming to AVEN  and invalidating other people defeats the purpose of AVEN. When I see comments that invalidate any of the diverse identities here, to me, it's like an attack on AVEN itself.